How many of you have actually tried FIGHTING!!!

[ON MY OWN]

So youre asking how many people are stalkers.....good one.

LOL

[sb129]

Because sometimes flogging a dead horse is exhausting and counter-productive.

 

You may WANT to be with someone, but if they don't WANT to be with you, there isn't a great deal you can do to change that fact.

[NopeNah]

I don't know where NC got so intertwined with the idea of "dignity", but I don't think there's anything indignant about pursuing someone you don't want to lose. Of course there are different ways to go about it, you can maintain your dignity by sending a calm email stating your case. Following them to work and waiting for them outside is not dignified.

 

Again as I said before it's up to the unique circumstances of the relationship. No you should never have to fight for someone if you truly did nothing wrong. You should never apologize if you don't even know what you're apologizing for. But if you get dumped and after the dust settles you sit there and realize it WAS your fault, I don't think sweeping that under the rug and going NC for the sake of NC is necessarily best. Face the truth, give it a shot, tell them you're sorry, and see what happens.

 

I think email or snail mail is the best way to go about it. Phone calls trap the person into talking to you. Text messages lead to misunderstandings or stressing out when they don't answer right away. Surprising them in person is definitely not a good idea. And of course, you need to consider their feelings about the matter. If they don't seem to mind talking to you, or if they seem receptive to any part of what you're saying, then I don't see any harm. If they are BEGGING you to go away, or worse yet threatening you or using key words like "stalking", then you get the hell out of that situation.

 

I've pursued my ex because she kept giving me enough slack to think there was hope. I'd ask for my things back, she'd hesitate for 2 weeks and not bring them. I'd send her an email saying goodbye, she'd tell me she wanted to write back. Only now with the last letter she sent me did she really put it into clearer terms "I'm done, I've moved on, so should you". She could have saved both of us a lot of time if she had said that right away, but she doesn't know how to communicate. Even in this same letter she is still saying things like "there's a million things I could say but I don't know how". What an unfortunate condition to suffer from if you can't get your own thoughts out of your brain and out your mouth. No wonder the relationship failed.

Glad to see you got some closure. It makes a world of diference.

[Beeotch]

Why would a neuropscyhologist be an expert on relationships?

 

To answer your very valid questions though, I learned the sense and logic behind NC not from this website, but from my life experience.

 

When I was young, in my 20s, a girlfriend I loved dearly broke up with me. I fought tooth and nail to "win" her back. I called her a lot, and because she cared about me she put up with it. I even did manage to win her back for a brief period of time, through my clawing back into the relationship. But it didn't last. She was done with me. All I accomplished with all my efforts was drag the situation on for months longer than it really needed to be.

 

I learned then that if someone doesn't want to be with you, you can't trick, campaign, persuade or force them to change their mind. They either feel it or they don't, once you reach that point. Leave her alone. If she loves you, she'll come back of her own accord.

 

That precisely is it!

 

I can't bother with the tomfoolery...people are not idiots...they know what they want and just like perhaps in the beginning when they wanted you they made it clear...why would it all of a sudden be hidden under secret messages that you have to decode and pursue them to figure out???? It doesn't make sense.

 

If you can't tell what they want by their actions...it is clear that whatever it is, its not you as if it were it would have been explicit and they would have tried to make you get it.

 

I stopped saying well he said this and he said that...it could mean he wants me back, it means he cares. Oh whatever! When we first started dated and were together I did NONE of that. His actions and words were explicit. He wanted me to know he wanted me and he made it clear....no decoding, chasing him down via email/text to figure it out.

 

As u rightly said...if and when they decide they want you it will be clear. Come hell or high water they will let you know...so don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.

[Thomas X Forever]

I am glad to hear all your sides. I do think that my neuro psychologist friend is a genius, far more intelligent than me. But...I have to side with you all this time.

 

I sent a TXT to my first girlfriend upon his advice, though. The first girl I ever loved, whom I broke up with about a year and a half ago.

 

Here's how it just went.

 

Me: "Hey sup! It's thomas"

Person: "Who are you lookin 4"

M: "April?"

P: "Can you please tell all your friends and everyone you know that this isn't April?"

M: "?"

P: "I got this number, and people keep calling, looking for her. I'm not her. I'd appreciate it if you stop talking to me now."

 

 

*Shrug*

 

Not all the psychological knowledge in the world permitted me to know whether it was her lying, or whether it really was someone else.

 

If it was her, though, then I will purchase a fairly large tuna and beat her across the head with it.

[boogieboy]

I am glad to hear all your sides. I do think that my neuro psychologist friend is a genius, far more intelligent than me. But...I have to side with you all this time.

 

I sent a TXT to my first girlfriend upon his advice, though. The first girl I ever loved, whom I broke up with about a year and a half ago.

 

Here's how it just went.

 

Me: "Hey sup! It's thomas"

Person: "Who are you lookin 4"

M: "April?"

P: "Can you please tell all your friends and everyone you know that this isn't April?"

M: "?"

P: "I got this number, and people keep calling, looking for her. I'm not her. I'd appreciate it if you stop talking to me now."

 

 

*Shrug*

 

Not all the psychological knowledge in the world permitted me to know whether it was her lying, or whether it really was someone else.

 

If it was her, though, then I will purchase a fairly large tuna and beat her across the head with it.

 

Try facebook, fight the good fight!

[downsouthhustla'sgrl]

Really dont know were to start but after several yrs of marriage and a couple of kids we called it quits......he didnt want it, I did.... Even after the divorce we continued to see each other even tho we dated other people.... we pursued each other like a swing pendulum...he cheated on his girl with me and i really never got serious with anyone cause i wasnt over him....... well one day while surfing the net i ran into his girlfriend's xhusband...Now I had no idea at first until we started talking about past relationships and realized we had just walked into the twilight zone... what were the ****ing chances of all the people i meet...her x. he sexy too:love:

.....I got all the dirt i ever wanted on this chic.that i feelhe dont even care about her like that she just something to do.... he express that he wants to take it slow and put our family back together......but back to her x.... we decided after drinking and talking about how both x partners did us to **** and DAMN ME:eek: the Shyt was awesome..... I wouldntdare tell my xabout him nor is he gonna squeal..... but this is seriously like some Lifetime Movie type plot..... I can only wonder how this gone turn out...........HMMMMMM!!!!!!

[NopeNah]

Try facebook, fight the good fight!

HAHA!!

[asuman]

I am the biggest failure of NC. We broke up over 2 months ago, hung out a few weeks after break up and things were really great between us. He even commented how good we were getting along. Until I gave him a letter 2 weeks ago pouring my heart out and telling him I wanted to get back together. He told me he would think about it and let me know when I got back from vacation. When I got back he told me that we both should move on. I text him if we could be friends and he ignored my texts. So I pushed one more time and text him 2 days later after he ignored my texts and invited him to a broadway show with me July 18th that i already had tix for. I was expecting him to ignore me or text me no i told you we need to move on but to my surprise he text me back yes he would go with me. I was going to go NC until 2 days before the show to make arrangements BUT as I am a failure I text him today to confirm if he is going with me since I am going away again tomorrow and he didn't respond. So I call him and to my surprise he picks up (since we broke up he has maybe answered my calls maybe once) and he sounded genuinly happy to hear from me. Maybe its because I lasted NC for one week lol. That's as long as I have ever gone. He told me where he was, where he was going tonight and with who, even though I didn't even ask and he told me that he did want to go with me to the show. So I will see him again in 3 weeks and I will keep you guys updated on what's going on. That's my story of failure to be NC and still trying to win him back. If he really wanted me out of his life he wouldn't go with me..that's my take on it anyway.

 

That's your take on it but that's not necessarily reality.

 

Dumpers have their own set of emotions they have to deal with. They include: guilt for dumping (even though the decision was the right one in their mind), guilt for seeing you suffer, and guilt for constantly having to reject you since you keep asking him to take you back. There's also a certain attachment that forms with someone you've been in a relationship with, not to be mistaken with a loving bond that will actually mean the relationship will continue. This is why dumpers sometimes want to be "friends" with you. Most likely your ex agreed to go to this show with you for a combination of all these factors.

 

I'm not saying he wants you "out of his life" per se. What he's told you is that he wants you out of his life in a romantic sense. I guess you will find out soon enough whether he's somehow changed his mind about that. But you are setting yourself up to be strung along in this situation because you're remaining in contact with him, and you won't start grieving and then healing until later than you could as a result.

[adamt]

I went straight into NC, we talked for 2 hours on why she was breaking up but my head was all over the place and so i didnt want to make any bad decisions. I then read forums which recommended NC. I just didnt see the point in keeping contact. the ex knew how i felt the day we split up. whatever you say their decision has been made and probably been madea while ago and they were jsut tryign to find the courage to end it.

 

However, NC rarely works at getting them back permanently. My ex hasnt been incontact after 5 weeks of NC. I'm not expecting her to. NC is just there to help you get over them quicker as the ex's memories fade. I'm 38 and feel at that age you should both be mature enough not to play games and know exactly what you want.

[asuman]

I went straight into NC, we talked for 2 hours on why she was breaking up but my head was all over the place and so i didnt want to make any bad decisions. I then read forums which recommended NC. I just didnt see the point in keeping contact. the ex knew how i felt the day we split up. whatever you say their decision has been made and probably been madea while ago and they were jsut tryign to find the courage to end it.

 

However, NC rarely works at getting them back permanently. My ex hasnt been incontact after 5 weeks of NC. I'm not expecting her to. NC is just there to help you get over them quicker as the ex's memories fade. I'm 38 and feel at that age you should both be mature enough not to play games and know exactly what you want.

 

Exactly. I'm around the same age. My ex was very direct in conveying her decision to me that it was over. I toyed with the idea that maybe she would change her mind if I let things go with NC for a while, but I have no idea why I thought that would work. Still, I toyed with it, but NC allowed me to deal with the situation without making a complete ass of myself to her. A few weeks later, I found out she was with someone else. Thank God I shut my big mouth.

[adamt]

I just believe that the dumper will have been thinkign about dumping you for a while, they will have thought it through and there is no way they will change their mind. back when i was a teenager NC was a lot easier, no internet, no mobile phones. just plain old landline and writing letters. These days so easy to be able to find that ex that it is harder to maintain NC. No matter what you do or say you wont get them to change their mind or get the answer to the problem. I just accept they fell out of love with me and grew apart or the dumper changed.

[Lyssa]

To answer your OP - I did fight in the past but after a while, it was exhausting and knowing that that person does not want you nor is in love with you anymore - it isn't worth it. It's a waste of time. I'd rather concentrate on myself and date new people.

[asuman]

I just believe that the dumper will have been thinkign about dumping you for a while, they will have thought it through and there is no way they will change their mind. back when i was a teenager NC was a lot easier, no internet, no mobile phones. just plain old landline and writing letters. These days so easy to be able to find that ex that it is harder to maintain NC. No matter what you do or say you wont get them to change their mind or get the answer to the problem. I just accept they fell out of love with me and grew apart or the dumper changed.

 

This is basically true.

 

People do change their minds sometimes. Usually it's when they are completely freed from the situation and left to their own devices. In other words, when they dump someone and that person goes into NC, given the dumper actual time and space to think about their decision on their own terms. If they miss you and regret their decision, they'll come back (or try to come back). If they don't, which is usually the case, life goes on.

 

Life is too short to spend energy and time on people who don't want to be with you.

[adamt]

Put yourself in the dumper's shoes, what will you think of someone who keeps hassling for answers? keeps sending texts and emails. wont get the hint..etc You would start to think they have a screw loose, bordering on stalking,sad,lonely,depressed,dependent, weak. it will just make the dumper realise even more that dumping you was a right decision.

 

Accept it with maturity and they are more likely to respect you. However the chances of getting together are still remote. But at least you keep yourself respect and over time they will talk to you rather than avoid you

[asuman]

I got kind of lucky in my situation, but it proved the virtues of NC. She told me we weren't going to continue dating, so I accepted it during that very phone conversation and said goodbye. A few weeks of NC later I found out she was in a relationship, so I sent her an email wishing her well. She wrote back a flowery response full of nice things about me, saying we should get together to say hello some time.

 

Made me feel good. My dignity is intact, and that's worth something. Though I won't write her back again and will not take her up on her offer. (Maybe months from now, if I feel like it).

[LucreziaBorgia]

Oh boy, if I could post some of the crying, begging emails I sent my ex - or if could have recorded those calls... I fought for him. I truly did. This is after he cheated on me, and then a year later dumped me just after my first surgery and the week before chemo. Not only did he dump me, he canceled our plans to buy a townhouse together and start our lives as a legit couple. So, I was stuck - sick and in a place I couldn't afford. What did I do? I fought for him.

 

You know what it got me? Months of long drawn out bouts of false hope and wishful thinking.

 

I actually at one point thought we were back together. I went and stayed with him on the weekends (on 'off-chemo' weeks) and we would do regular couple stuff. Sleep together, have sex, cook dinners together, go shopping, call each other... he would say "I love you" and I would say it back and after a few months of this faux 'back together' crap I asked him...

 

"Do you consider me your girlfriend still" and he said "No, I consider you a friend that I get to have that sort of relationship with".

 

Basically, a girl friend with benefits - all of them, not just sex. I was playing the part of the full blown girlfriend while he was looking around for a "real" girlfriend.

 

What did I do? When the worst of the illness took me over, I went to NC with him. And you know what? It was the most peaceful my mind had been in over a year, even while I was fighting for my life. I didn't speak to him again for at least six months, and when I did - it was devoid of any of the pathetic desperation that I had been showing in "fighting".

 

NC was not a magic trick. It was not a manipulative thing to get him back. It was the thing that healed my mind and my heart of him FOR GOOD.

 

You can fight all you want for someone, and if they don't want to be in a relationship with you - they will take you for all you are worth, take everything you are giving, and will still give nothing real in return.

 

NC is the way to stop that selfish process. A way to detox off of the ex, so that when your mind clears you see that the person you are fighting for is someone that you should have been fighting to get away from.

[asuman]

Well put.

 

NC = detox.

[Thomas X Forever]

Lucrezia, what you went through is insane. As tough as I consider myself due to what I put myself through every day, I must say I pale in comparison to your strength. You fought cancer and also suffered through NC at the same time. Believe me when I say I consider myself stronger than a good 90% of people, but I consider you to be twice as strong at least, than me.

 

That being said, I take your side Asuman, and lucrezia, and everyone else. I want to fight for my recent ex -- I do. But I just think there's nothing I can do. I sent her a letter last week to which she ignored. At this point, I'm pissed at her.

[asuman]

Lucrezia, what you went through is insane. As tough as I consider myself due to what I put myself through every day, I must say I pale in comparison to your strength. You fought cancer and also suffered through NC at the same time. Believe me when I say I consider myself stronger than a good 90% of people, but I consider you to be twice as strong at least, than me.

 

That being said, I take your side Asuman, and lucrezia, and everyone else. I want to fight for my recent ex -- I do. But I just think there's nothing I can do. I sent her a letter last week to which she ignored. At this point, I'm pissed at her.

 

Remain pissed. You are spending energy on someone who doesn't care enough about you to treat your efforts to reach out to her with respect. She's not worth the time anymore.

[Thomas X Forever]

Yes Asuman it's true. You know what the worst part is? And I know you feel me on this. The worst part is you always remember the good, and hardly the bad.

 

I have to remind myself that she basically never communicated. Of over the year of dating we spent, she only told me what was bothering her twice, I think. She kept everything inside, and I even begged her to tell me what was wrong and what she'd like to change. And when she did tell me, I changed it. But she still kept stuff inside, even after the break up.

 

Actually, the worst part isn't that. The worst part is that I would've taken a bullet for her, and changed (within reason) any negative part about me, for her. And she gave that up.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I sent her a letter last week to which she ignored. At this point, I'm pissed at her.

 

Trust me, I wish my ex had ignored me instead of leading me on for months and months like he did.

 

I didn't get pissed for a long time, and when I did - I did. The next time I saw him after that long NC period, he hugged me and said "I miss you, I wish my gf could be more like you" and I just stood there feeling well, nothing. And that, my friend was a nice feeling.

 

I've only seen him once since then, and spoken to him once or twice. Out of sight, out of mind. I am seeing a guy now who put things in such a sharp perspective. I am with someone I don't have to struggle or fight to 'keep' and it wasn't until this point now that I could look back a few years and see just how abysmal my R with my ex truly was.

 

What I thought was happiness was nothing compared to what I feel now.

 

There is not a day (well, week I guess) that goes by that I am not thankful that I had the strength to let go, and take a chance at finding some real happiness.

 

I hope you can get to that point to. It will look great from where you will be, but I understand that things look pretty bleak now.

[Lyssa]

That being said, I take your side Asuman, and lucrezia, and everyone else. I want to fight for my recent ex -- I do. But I just think there's nothing I can do. I sent her a letter last week to which she ignored. At this point, I'm pissed at her.

 

Remain pissed. You are spending energy on someone who doesn't care enough about you to treat your efforts to reach out to her with respect. She's not worth the time anymore.

 

+1. TXF, you need to let go. From some of your posts, you seem pretty strong - hang in there.

[ryanrabl]

I did..I fought for her,I told her I would do anything for her..but in the end it didnt work.It ended up pushing her away (she even told me it was pushing her away).She treated me like **** while I was begging for her to come back.She led me on soon after saying sweet things and even planning on meeting up with me.Guess what happened?I met up with her and she fed me bull**** as too why she cant be with me (while I never knew this at the time...i later found out she was daing some one already,thats why).My heart was crushed.My ex fiancee led me on,and then told me we couldnt be together.It was common sense to go NC.I have been NC for a month and man i feel good.

 

Thomas..it hurts man..but outta sight outta mind brother

[Exit]

Yes Asuman it's true. You know what the worst part is? And I know you feel me on this. The worst part is you always remember the good, and hardly the bad.

 

I have to remind myself that she basically never communicated. Of over the year of dating we spent, she only told me what was bothering her twice, I think. She kept everything inside, and I even begged her to tell me what was wrong and what she'd like to change. And when she did tell me, I changed it. But she still kept stuff inside, even after the break up.

 

Actually, the worst part isn't that. The worst part is that I would've taken a bullet for her, and changed (within reason) any negative part about me, for her. And she gave that up.

 

Wow I feel you 100% on this subject. You could just as easily be talking about my ex, they sound exactly the same.

 

I think she was too proud to ask for what she wanted, the kind of person who feels like "if I have to ask you for what I want, then it doesn't mean anything". It's just a very childish mindset, and I don't think these people will ever find true happiness.

 

I said the same kind of things to her, "why do you find more value in going and trying to find a new boyfriend, when you have someone here who is absolutely willing to change?".

 

If she can't even acknowledge your letter, then just stay mad at her. I'm at that point now. She finally sent me an email and it was just so ridiculous, a real window into her distorted mind, that I can't even begin to respond to it. I'll probably leave it alone.