Thomas X Forever Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I know how everyone is so quick to go NC here. NC is the bible of loveshack. If there's anything that is consistent with this site, it's that you can count on being told to go NC. So how many people HAVEN'T? How many people have called their ex's? How many people have told them they won't leave them alone? How many people here have called them, and told them they want to fight? How many people haven't accepted no for an answer? How many of YOU have just not GAVE a damn if your ex is with someone new? You argue with them and ask what the hell they have that you don't? How many people aren't afraid? Because I know how many of you went NC.
NopeNah Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I went NC after doing all those things you just listed. Those got me nothing... Except more pain!
Author Thomas X Forever Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Why didn't you still push further? Why did you take no for an answer? Someone much higher up on the psychology chain told me to fight for the person you want to be with, and never give up. Period
NopeNah Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Why didn't you still push further? Why didn't you not take no for an answer? Someone much higher up on the psychology chain told me to fight for the person you want to be with, and never give up. Period I have some self respect and when someone tells me it's over, I take them at their word. I know I can't controll her feelings, emotion, or love. It's called free will. She still wants to see me when it's convienant to her. I don't play second,sorry.... You sure like to throw the "psychology" card alot,huh?
boogieboy Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I know how everyone is so quick to go NC here. NC is the bible of loveshack. If there's anything that is consistent with this site, it's that you can count on being told to go NC. So how many people HAVEN'T? How many people have called their ex's? How many people have told them they won't leave them alone? How many people here have called them, and told them they want to fight? How many people haven't accepted no for an answer? How many of YOU have just not GAVE a damn if your ex is with someone new? You argue with them and ask what the hell they have that you don't? How many people aren't afraid? Because I know how many of you went NC. So youre asking how many people are stalkers.....good one.
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Yes I do quite love the psychology card. But the person who told me it is much greater at psychology than I probably ever will be. He's a neuro psychologist, and has been for 25 years. When did you guys decide to give up? What MADE you give up? I do want to hear your side.
NopeNah Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Yes I do quite love the psychology card. But the person who told me it is much greater at psychology than I probably ever will be. He's a neuro psychologist, and has been for 25 years. When did you guys decide to give up? What MADE you give up? I do want to hear your side. 1: I didn't give up. She did. 2. She gave me NO choice besides moving on. She's her own person and does whatever she wants.
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I know how everyone is so quick to go NC here. NC is the bible of loveshack. If there's anything that is consistent with this site, it's that you can count on being told to go NC. So how many people HAVEN'T? How many people have called their ex's? How many people have told them they won't leave them alone? How many people here have called them, and told them they want to fight? How many people haven't accepted no for an answer? How many of YOU have just not GAVE a damn if your ex is with someone new? You argue with them and ask what the hell they have that you don't? How many people aren't afraid? Because I know how many of you went NC. I'm sure there are those who have done it and have just gotten restraining orders put against them or the person just blocks them from every avenue in life...I know I would anyway if someone did that to me. I mean I feel like we all have done that up to a point but then your senses and pride kicked in.
Exit Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 It's been about 10 weeks for me and I've contacted her fairly often to try to get her back. Only now after the last letter she sent me am I probably backing off for the most part. I may still write back to her, I don't know. I will probably post my own thread later tonight to wrap up my situation. But yes, I did fight for her. I explained things a million different ways. I thought it would simply surpise her that I never gave up, that after over 2 months I never got to the point of saying "you're a stupid #%#, forget it". I just kept trying and maintained my patience and my determination. Did it work? Not so far. But do I feel better than trying NC this entire time? Definitely. I ONLY do it because I know I did wrong in the relationship. I know so much of what she says to me, as hurtful as it can be, is too true. I'd be lying to myself if I just said "her loss" and walked away. This is definitely MY loss. I had a great girl and I blew it. I would never fight for someone who didn't deserve it. It's up to the individual to decide who is worth fighting for.
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Why didn't you still push further? Why did you take no for an answer? Someone much higher up on the psychology chain told me to fight for the person you want to be with, and never give up. Period Are you being facetious? I feel like you are but I can't tell for certain. With matters of love....it is all about freewill and choice...one person can't be fighting and pulling all the weight. It is a 2 way street, so if one person doesn't want it, it is beating a dead horse. It will get you nowhere besides them thinking you are insane.
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 It's been about 10 weeks for me and I've contacted her fairly often to try to get her back. Only now after the last letter she sent me am I probably backing off for the most part. I may still write back to her, I don't know. I will probably post my own thread later tonight to wrap up my situation. But yes, I did fight for her. I explained things a million different ways. I thought it would simply surpise her that I never gave up, that after over 2 months I never got to the point of saying "you're a stupid #%#, forget it". I just kept trying and maintained my patience and my determination. Did it work? Not so far. But do I feel better than trying NC this entire time? Definitely. I ONLY do it because I know I did wrong in the relationship. I know so much of what she says to me, as hurtful as it can be, is too true. I'd be lying to myself if I just said "her loss" and walked away. This is definitely MY loss. I had a great girl and I blew it. I would never fight for someone who didn't deserve it. It's up to the individual to decide who is worth fighting for. That puts a different spin on things. I do think that if you know you fawked up in the relationship...then it might be worth a shot to try to prove yourself. However, if you didn't do anything wrong...if it just ended for random reasons and they don't want you back....then it's a totally different matter.
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 No I wasn't kidding. This psychologist is a close friend of mine, and could destroy me in every aspect in comparison. (As far as psychology goes). He said call them, don't give up. Argue, fight for them. I told him I don't want to be a stalker. He said too bad
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 No I wasn't kidding. This psychologist is a close friend of mine, and could destroy me in every aspect in comparison. (As far as psychology goes). He said call them, don't give up. Argue, fight for them. I told him I don't want to be a stalker. He said too bad LOL... Well psychologist or not, he is having an off day with that advice.
Ingenue Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 With my last ex, I had almost immediately instituted NC, save for a week or so where I emailed and called him to inquire what the heck had gone wrong with the relationship. He had not provided me with any sort of reasonable (but what's reasonable to the dumpee right?) explanation, but had ended it via email. I thought that if I spoke to him, I wouldn't feel like I was in limbo and perhaps I could convince him otherwise. What stopped me from continuing on my path of desperation was joining LS and genuinely reflecting on why I was so distraught. I was by no means becoming a stalker, but I realized that I was not going to be any person's sloppy seconds. In retrospect, I regret even sending those 3 post-break-up emails. There is something to be said for maintaining dignity and self-respect. No relationship is worth compromising that.
boogieboy Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I do think that if you know you fawked up in the relationship...then it might be worth a shot to try to prove yourself. . I did that, didnt work. I dont like to chase people. I like it better when my ex tries to get my attention thru text to use me for an ego boost, rather than me begging her, giving her a bigger boost.
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 With my last ex, I had almost immediately instituted NC, save for a week or so where I emailed and called him to inquire what the heck had gone wrong with the relationship. He had not provided me with any sort of reasonable (but what's reasonable to the dumpee right?) explanation, but had ended it via email. I thought that if I spoke to him, I wouldn't feel like I was in limbo and perhaps I could convince him otherwise. What stopped me from continuing on my path of desperation was joining LS and genuinely reflecting on why I was so distraught. I was by no means becoming a stalker, but I realized that I was not going to be any person's sloppy seconds. In retrospect, I regret even sending those 3 post-break-up emails. There is something to be said for maintaining dignity and self-respect. No relationship is worth compromising that. *Applause* So very true. I too emailed my ex several times, confronted him in IM, on the phone...and now I so wish I had not. If I knew then what I know now...I would not have. But you live and you learn and I will NOT do that again with another ex. I might ask for an explanation once...and only ONCE. I would try to wait until I had all my questions and put them out there once and then leave it alone.
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 With my last ex, I had almost immediately instituted NC, save for a week or so where I emailed and called him to inquire what the heck had gone wrong with the relationship. He had not provided me with any sort of reasonable (but what's reasonable to the dumpee right?) explanation, but had ended it via email. I thought that if I spoke to him, I wouldn't feel like I was in limbo and perhaps I could convince him otherwise. What stopped me from continuing on my path of desperation was joining LS and genuinely reflecting on why I was so distraught. I was by no means becoming a stalker, but I realized that I was not going to be any person's sloppy seconds. In retrospect, I regret even sending those 3 post-break-up emails. There is something to be said for maintaining dignity and self-respect. No relationship is worth compromising that. *Applause* So very true. I too emailed my ex several times, confronted him in IM, on the phone...and now I so wish I had not. If I knew then what I know now...I would not have. But you live and you learn and I will NOT do that again with another ex. I might ask for an explanation once...and only ONCE. I would try to wait until I had all my questions and put them out there once and then leave it alone.
jqb05443 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I am the biggest failure of NC. We broke up over 2 months ago, hung out a few weeks after break up and things were really great between us. He even commented how good we were getting along. Until I gave him a letter 2 weeks ago pouring my heart out and telling him I wanted to get back together. He told me he would think about it and let me know when I got back from vacation. When I got back he told me that we both should move on. I text him if we could be friends and he ignored my texts. So I pushed one more time and text him 2 days later after he ignored my texts and invited him to a broadway show with me July 18th that i already had tix for. I was expecting him to ignore me or text me no i told you we need to move on but to my surprise he text me back yes he would go with me. I was going to go NC until 2 days before the show to make arrangements BUT as I am a failure I text him today to confirm if he is going with me since I am going away again tomorrow and he didn't respond. So I call him and to my surprise he picks up (since we broke up he has maybe answered my calls maybe once) and he sounded genuinly happy to hear from me. Maybe its because I lasted NC for one week lol. That's as long as I have ever gone. He told me where he was, where he was going tonight and with who, even though I didn't even ask and he told me that he did want to go with me to the show. So I will see him again in 3 weeks and I will keep you guys updated on what's going on. That's my story of failure to be NC and still trying to win him back. If he really wanted me out of his life he wouldn't go with me..that's my take on it anyway.
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I am the biggest failure of NC. We broke up over 2 months ago, hung out a few weeks after break up and things were really great between us. He even commented how good we were getting along. Until I gave him a letter 2 weeks ago pouring my heart out and telling him I wanted to get back together. He told me he would think about it and let me know when I got back from vacation. When I got back he told me that we both should move on. I text him if we could be friends and he ignored my texts. So I pushed one more time and text him 2 days later after he ignored my texts and invited him to a broadway show with me July 18th that i already had tix for. I was expecting him to ignore me or text me no i told you we need to move on but to my surprise he text me back yes he would go with me. I was going to go NC until 2 days before the show to make arrangements BUT as I am a failure I text him today to confirm if he is going with me since I am going away again tomorrow and he didn't respond. So I call him and to my surprise he picks up (since we broke up he has maybe answered my calls maybe once) and he sounded genuinly happy to hear from me. Maybe its because I lasted NC for one week lol. That's as long as I have ever gone. He told me where he was, where he was going tonight and with who, even though I didn't even ask and he told me that he did want to go with me to the show. So I will see him again in 3 weeks and I will keep you guys updated on what's going on. That's my story of failure to be NC and still trying to win him back. If he really wanted me out of his life he wouldn't go with me..that's my take on it anyway. Or maybe he wants to go to a free show more.... Not to be pessimistic...but I mean you are giving him free tickets to BROADWAY...I am sure he does not hate you so of course he would go. Doesn't mean he wants to be your boyfriend again though. Just like when you hung out and it was great...he didnt want to date you again then. In truth: the only guarantee they want you back is when THEY say it. Because most of our exes will probably still hang with us, tell us we're pretty, have sex with us, go out with us but won't get back in a relationship wth us. So those things don't really mean much....
jqb05443 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Yea but he offered to go to dinner after the show (which he is obviously paying for). I know he is not going to say let's get back together that day. But I am going to be optimistic. I asked other guys if they really wanted a girl out of their life would they go..and all of them said NO. Granted everyone is different and everyone's situation is different. When we were hanging out after the break up, he was being such a gentle men almost like he wanted to start over. He would hold me and kiss me on my forehead constantly. He would walk me to my car, hold things for me, I mean things he did when we were first dating. He told me when I gave him the letter that he was hanging out with me and talking to me because he wanted to see if things changed. He wanted to see if we were going to get back together he wanted it to happen on its own. I scared him off with the letter as so many people told me. So after that, I decided to give it one more try. So lets see what happens. This is the longest we went without talking and its going to be the longest we have gone without seeing eachother. I never gave him time to miss me during the break up so maybe its what we both need. I am not getting my hopes up but I am going to be positive
carhill Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Someone much higher up on the psychology chain told me to fight for the person you want to be with, and never give up. Period Such a dynamic takes two. After 14 months of MC, our psychologist suggested we were done. Wisdom comes in a myriad of vehicles.
Battlewax Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Why didn't you still push further? Why did you take no for an answer? Someone much higher up on the psychology chain told me to fight for the person you want to be with, and never give up. Period I did this with a woman about years ago. Her and I were off again on again. The thing is we loved each other but coudn't make it work. She wasn't willing to change the things that drove us apart. I tried to, but after 2 years of back and forth I gave up. We had both started seeing other people. She got pregnant and moved away. We started talking again after about 2 years. Now we are fairly good friends, but there had to be time and distance. As for my current, I think there may be a possiblity of getting back. Just not right now. The things that drove me insane about her are still there. We do limited contact but after I see her I get the worst ache. She's going through a stressful phase and isnt' open to anybody. According to her, not even her best friend. As for willing to figh? I have things I need to figure out first, things like do I want to fight? The NC and LC has given me time for reflection that I dont' think I would have gotten had I keept fighting an uphill battle. I've notived alot of negative thinking on this board with talk about reconsiliation. I won't do that, I can only give what advice I've learned through experience. I'll never say, "do this or do that." I will always say, "this is what I've done." One thing I've learned is, never say never.
Exit Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I don't know where NC got so intertwined with the idea of "dignity", but I don't think there's anything indignant about pursuing someone you don't want to lose. Of course there are different ways to go about it, you can maintain your dignity by sending a calm email stating your case. Following them to work and waiting for them outside is not dignified. Again as I said before it's up to the unique circumstances of the relationship. No you should never have to fight for someone if you truly did nothing wrong. You should never apologize if you don't even know what you're apologizing for. But if you get dumped and after the dust settles you sit there and realize it WAS your fault, I don't think sweeping that under the rug and going NC for the sake of NC is necessarily best. Face the truth, give it a shot, tell them you're sorry, and see what happens. I think email or snail mail is the best way to go about it. Phone calls trap the person into talking to you. Text messages lead to misunderstandings or stressing out when they don't answer right away. Surprising them in person is definitely not a good idea. And of course, you need to consider their feelings about the matter. If they don't seem to mind talking to you, or if they seem receptive to any part of what you're saying, then I don't see any harm. If they are BEGGING you to go away, or worse yet threatening you or using key words like "stalking", then you get the hell out of that situation. I've pursued my ex because she kept giving me enough slack to think there was hope. I'd ask for my things back, she'd hesitate for 2 weeks and not bring them. I'd send her an email saying goodbye, she'd tell me she wanted to write back. Only now with the last letter she sent me did she really put it into clearer terms "I'm done, I've moved on, so should you". She could have saved both of us a lot of time if she had said that right away, but she doesn't know how to communicate. Even in this same letter she is still saying things like "there's a million things I could say but I don't know how". What an unfortunate condition to suffer from if you can't get your own thoughts out of your brain and out your mouth. No wonder the relationship failed.
asuman Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Yes I do quite love the psychology card. But the person who told me it is much greater at psychology than I probably ever will be. He's a neuro psychologist, and has been for 25 years. When did you guys decide to give up? What MADE you give up? I do want to hear your side. Why would a neuropscyhologist be an expert on relationships? To answer your very valid questions though, I learned the sense and logic behind NC not from this website, but from my life experience. When I was young, in my 20s, a girlfriend I loved dearly broke up with me. I fought tooth and nail to "win" her back. I called her a lot, and because she cared about me she put up with it. I even did manage to win her back for a brief period of time, through my clawing back into the relationship. But it didn't last. She was done with me. All I accomplished with all my efforts was drag the situation on for months longer than it really needed to be. I learned then that if someone doesn't want to be with you, you can't trick, campaign, persuade or force them to change their mind. They either feel it or they don't, once you reach that point. Leave her alone. If she loves you, she'll come back of her own accord.
NopeNah Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 He said call them, don't give up. Argue, fight for them. I told him I don't want to be a stalker. He said too bad That sounds INSANE!!! I don't care what he does for a living. He obviously has no real world knowledge or several restraining orders against him.
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