reservoirdog1 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Hi all. Been dating a woman for about 4.5 months. (I'll call her my GF, but there's even a bit more to THAT.) Things came together between us pretty quickly. We've seen a lot of each other in that time, we've talked nearly every day, she's slept over many times. I have two kids, 11 and 8, who live with me 2-3 days per week. She has a 16-year-old daughter who was living with her father (but who still talked to my GF every day and saw her every other day); now she's living with my GF. (She'd raised her daughter on her own until the daughter was about 14, then the girl's dad came back into her life and agreed to have the daughter live wtih him and actually act like a dad towards her.) Anyway... It's a bit strange perhaps, but GF and I have avoided calling each other BF/GF and have avoided calling this a "relationship". It's a bit of a joke between us; we've often just referred to it as "this thing of ours". She's very independent, works full time and goes to university full time (she's in her 30s, as am I). Plus she's a mom. Very busy life. I have a pretty demanding career. She doesn't like being dependent on anyone. We've been sexually exclusive since basically the beginning. After dating about a month or so, she told me she loved me. I told her the same thing. Lots of affection between us. A few weeks ago, she and I had a phone conversation in which she seemed fairly distant, quiet and unresponsive. The conversation wasn't going anywhere, so after a number of uncomfortable silences (which are unusual for us), I indicated I needed to get going, and the call ended. She phoned me back a few minutes later and said we needed to talk. She asked if I wanted to see other people. I told her I didn't, and I wasn't sure where the question was coming from. It had surprised me, so I asked her if that's what she wanted, and she didn't want to answer. We kept dating; things seemed to go back to normal for a couple of weeks. In the last week or two, it's gotten a bit strange again. She's been working a LOT of nights, which is fine -- that's the way it goes. Mid-last week I sent her a text message saying I wanted to take her on a "proper" date again soon, and to let me know when she was free, no pressure. (She doesn't deal well with pressure situations as between us, as she has a lot of it in her life from other sources.) Never heard back from her. Turns out she had Friday night free (first one in several weeks), but I didn't know this until she called me on Friday evening to see what I was up to, by which time I'd made plans and was way out in the suburbs with friends. I suggested we get together for breakfast on Sunday morning between 7 and 8, when she was coming off a night shift and heading to another job. (She works in the mental health field.) On Saturday, her daughter gave me a call to see if we were still on for dinner Sunday night, which was something we'd discussed previously. I said yes. And in so doing, I forgot about the Sunday breakfast idea. (We'd never nailed down a place for that, or any specifics.) I talked to her around 11 AM on Sunday and she said I'd forgotten about Sunday breakfast. Which I had. I apologized profusely. Dinner was still a go, though she nearly cancelled that. She, her daughter, and her daughter's BF came for dinner on Sunday, but GF was tired (not surprising, she'd worked for 24 hours straight) and not very communicative. Last night (Monday) I phoned her, and she was very uncommunicative and quiet, lots of uncomfortable pauses. I was in the car and I signed off when I arrived where I was going. Anyway, a few minutes later, I got a text from her. She said she thought we had a great friendship, but that there are "things I do and say that don't add up" (no idea what she's referring to) and wanted to offer a "guilt free easy out" if I wanted to see other people. I responded that I didn't, reminded her what I'd said the last time she'd asked me this, and said I wanted to know HER response to that same question. She avoided answering, and said we'd have to discuss it on Sunday, which is the next time she's free. I have no idea what's going on. Is she just trying to get me to break things off so she doesn't have to? What's with the "guilt free easy out" thing -- simply an acknolwedgment that she's way too busy for a relationship and understands if I want to see other people, or just too chicken to say she wants to end it? Given her inability/refusal to give me a straight answer yesterday, I'm not sure what to think, but I've sort of steeled myself to the idea that it's ending. I don't think she's playing games, but I'm still tired of the back and forth stuff and lack of a simple answer. This is rambling... anybody have any thoughts?
boogieboy Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Either she saw unusual behavior you did to make her suspicious, or she wants to see other people, and is trying to make it look like youre the one who wants to break it up. I dont know why a grown woman would wanna do that, but Ive seen that before. either way could explain her distant behavior. Thats all I can think of offhand.
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Hi all. Been dating a woman for about 4.5 months. (I'll call her my GF, but there's even a bit more to THAT.) Things came together between us pretty quickly. We've seen a lot of each other in that time, we've talked nearly every day, she's slept over many times. I have two kids, 11 and 8, who live with me 2-3 days per week. She has a 16-year-old daughter who was living with her father (but who still talked to my GF every day and saw her every other day); now she's living with my GF. (She'd raised her daughter on her own until the daughter was about 14, then the girl's dad came back into her life and agreed to have the daughter live wtih him and actually act like a dad towards her.) Anyway... It's a bit strange perhaps, but GF and I have avoided calling each other BF/GF and have avoided calling this a "relationship". It's a bit of a joke between us; we've often just referred to it as "this thing of ours". She's very independent, works full time and goes to university full time (she's in her 30s, as am I). Plus she's a mom. Very busy life. I have a pretty demanding career. She doesn't like being dependent on anyone. We've been sexually exclusive since basically the beginning. After dating about a month or so, she told me she loved me. I told her the same thing. Lots of affection between us. A few weeks ago, she and I had a phone conversation in which she seemed fairly distant, quiet and unresponsive. The conversation wasn't going anywhere, so after a number of uncomfortable silences (which are unusual for us), I indicated I needed to get going, and the call ended. She phoned me back a few minutes later and said we needed to talk. She asked if I wanted to see other people. I told her I didn't, and I wasn't sure where the question was coming from. It had surprised me, so I asked her if that's what she wanted, and she didn't want to answer. We kept dating; things seemed to go back to normal for a couple of weeks. In the last week or two, it's gotten a bit strange again. She's been working a LOT of nights, which is fine -- that's the way it goes. Mid-last week I sent her a text message saying I wanted to take her on a "proper" date again soon, and to let me know when she was free, no pressure. (She doesn't deal well with pressure situations as between us, as she has a lot of it in her life from other sources.) Never heard back from her. Turns out she had Friday night free (first one in several weeks), but I didn't know this until she called me on Friday evening to see what I was up to, by which time I'd made plans and was way out in the suburbs with friends. I suggested we get together for breakfast on Sunday morning between 7 and 8, when she was coming off a night shift and heading to another job. (She works in the mental health field.) On Saturday, her daughter gave me a call to see if we were still on for dinner Sunday night, which was something we'd discussed previously. I said yes. And in so doing, I forgot about the Sunday breakfast idea. (We'd never nailed down a place for that, or any specifics.) I talked to her around 11 AM on Sunday and she said I'd forgotten about Sunday breakfast. Which I had. I apologized profusely. Dinner was still a go, though she nearly cancelled that. She, her daughter, and her daughter's BF came for dinner on Sunday, but GF was tired (not surprising, she'd worked for 24 hours straight) and not very communicative. Last night (Monday) I phoned her, and she was very uncommunicative and quiet, lots of uncomfortable pauses. I was in the car and I signed off when I arrived where I was going. Anyway, a few minutes later, I got a text from her. She said she thought we had a great friendship, but that there are "things I do and say that don't add up" (no idea what she's referring to) and wanted to offer a "guilt free easy out" if I wanted to see other people. I responded that I didn't, reminded her what I'd said the last time she'd asked me this, and said I wanted to know HER response to that same question. She avoided answering, and said we'd have to discuss it on Sunday, which is the next time she's free. I have no idea what's going on. Is she just trying to get me to break things off so she doesn't have to? What's with the "guilt free easy out" thing -- simply an acknolwedgment that she's way too busy for a relationship and understands if I want to see other people, or just too chicken to say she wants to end it? Given her inability/refusal to give me a straight answer yesterday, I'm not sure what to think, but I've sort of steeled myself to the idea that it's ending. I don't think she's playing games, but I'm still tired of the back and forth stuff and lack of a simple answer. This is rambling... anybody have any thoughts? Welll it seems as though she wants to end things for whatever reason but doesn't want to come out and do it so is posing the question to you..hoping you would end it so she won't feel bad. I can't see why someone wouldn't have answered the question TWICE if that wasn't the case. So far she seems to be the only one who is acting distant and strange...and nitpicking. So I do think you should brace yourself....
asuman Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 This is just a bizarre situation that only communication and time will shed more light on. I don't know what to make of it.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Shortly after posting this, she and I talked. That conversation ended with us both agreeing that we liked each other a lot and had become really good friends, and wanted that to continue -- but just as friends. I'd detected that she'd lost interest in there being something more than friendship, and though I wasn't feeling the same way, I liked her more than enough as a person to want to stay friends and still hang out. We talked on the phone in the next day or so. We acknowledged that we were going to stay friends, and that was a good thing. Then she asked "since we're not 'losing' each other as friends -- and since we've never called this a relationship -- why do I feel a bit crappy right now? Do you feel that way too?" I did, and I told her so. So, this past Tuesday, we got together to hang out as friends. When we first saw each other, we hugged -- like we hadn't hugged in weeks. Felt really good. We were hanging out at my place and talking, having a good time. Then we started cuddling a bit, getting closer and closer. We started talking about what had gone wrong between us; her view is that we'd slept together too soon and that had kind of taken over and become the dominant characteristic of what we had, and that it had gotten in the way of getting to know each other. I agreed with that, and said so. Then she started crying. I've been in that situation with women before, where during or after a breakup they start crying, and it's usually very uncomfortable -- you just want to get out of the situation because it's awkward. But I didn't feel like that. Instead it was like my heart opened up to her. I found I wanted to hold her and never let go. And we kept talking. And discovered that the whole thing had been a huge miscommunication: each of us thought the other had lost interest, and had adjusted their behaviour accordingly and started distancing. That was on Tuesday, and we've seen each other every day since, and it's been wonderful. We agreed that we're not going to simply leave this as "our thing" -- it's a relationship. And it feels great.
Trialbyfire Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Somehow, I missed this thread first go-around. Glad to hear that things panned out and you managed to figure the problem out. If any woman offers you an easy out like that, she`s doing one of those pre-emptive rejections. She`s not deliberately playing games, as in making you the one to break up. She`s just uncertain of your feelings, and words to actions.
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