mammax3 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 If so, this really sucks. This uncertainty and back and forth as two people try and figure out how to be in each others lives. Maybe a bit of fear and insecurity as this plays out. Really. Last time I was single I was a teenager, and that was much different than trying to date with 3 small kids in tow. Not only does it feel like much more is at stake with exposing my children to my dates there's also the question of do i want to spend money on a babysitterfor a potentially lame date? I think the same line could be drawn that all of us are trying to navigate these confusing waters of beginning relationships and other people. It's emotional and frustrating and unsure and ugh! It's odd, but I think I feel lonlier after meeting men and it not panning out than before when I wasn't even thinking of dating. I guess there's no really question, more of a vent or a check to make sure that it is actually this confusing for everyone. Thanks for reading - and any advice you can offer on how to do this while trying not to be so serious!
dreamergrl Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Welcome to the world of dating. I think we all experience confusion and frustration while dating. It seems like it should be so much easier.
Author mammax3 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I would have thought it was much easier, exactly. The reality has crashed into my expectations. I thought it'd be a few different guys, just hanging out, having fun, no real emotions or anything. Just lightness and fun. Not at all. I forgot (or didn't realize) the beatings that an ego takes when a guy has other plans, or doesn't call (or return calls). I don't know what I thought. I guess I still wander around with the LTR formula in my head. I can understand why you'd go on a dating strike - it still doesn't alleviate the confusion and hurt feelings, though.
dreamergrl Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I would have thought it was much easier, exactly. The reality has crashed into my expectations. I thought it'd be a few different guys, just hanging out, having fun, no real emotions or anything. Just lightness and fun. Not at all. I forgot (or didn't realize) the beatings that an ego takes when a guy has other plans, or doesn't call (or return calls). I don't know what I thought. I guess I still wander around with the LTR formula in my head. I can understand why you'd go on a dating strike - it still doesn't alleviate the confusion and hurt feelings, though. Nope it doesn't, but it gives my feelings time to heal properly. With that said, dating isn't all that bad. It's fun meeting new people, and while I've gotten hurt plenty enough, I wouldn't erase much. I'm who I am because of what I've gone through, relationships, or else wise. Plus, the excitement of a great date is wonderful! Meeting new people. Learning more about what you want/need out of a SO. Learning more about yourself. It really is all worth it in the end.
skjd1220 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I completely agree with how you are feeling. You meet a ton of people, feel like you might actually have a connection with a small few and when that doesn't work out, it's just so disappointing. I'm personally at a point where I just feel like I can't start up again- it's really emotionally draining to keep meeting new people, putting yourself out there and going through the steps to end up with nothing. I never thought dating would be this hard but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one going through it.
Alan430 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I would have thought it was much easier, exactly. The reality has crashed into my expectations. I thought it'd be a few different guys, just hanging out, having fun, no real emotions or anything. Just lightness and fun. Not at all. I forgot (or didn't realize) the beatings that an ego takes when a guy has other plans, or doesn't call (or return calls). I don't know what I thought. I guess I still wander around with the LTR formula in my head. I can understand why you'd go on a dating strike - it still doesn't alleviate the confusion and hurt feelings, though. Wow OP me and you are in the same place. I just decided i am not ready for dating yet and will put off for now.
sumdude Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Hi Mammax.. I remember you from the Divorce boards when you were going through the big "D". It's a whole different world out here isn't it? Hard to let go of the marriage program in your head after you've been used to it for so long. The thing to try to wrap your head around is that some relationships aren't supposed to last, which we learned the hard way . Some last ten years, some ten days and some just ten minutes. It isn't you it's just the way it is. One of the toughest things I've run into is the 'multi dating' thing. After being in a monogamous relationship for so long being Ok with seeing more than one person at a time or the idea that the other person may have other irons in the fire is a challenge.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 This is why I have never dated people I don't know that well. When I am single and ready to mingle, my approach is to get out and do the things I love to do (open mics, dancing, tennis, exploring the city, etc.). Then, I naturally meet guys who have similar interests, and I can decide whether to get to know a man better from there. This approach could be beneficial in your case, I think, because then you wouldn't have to worry if the babysitting expenses and so on were worth it -- because you'd be doing it for you.
Author mammax3 Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Plus, the excitement of a great date is wonderful! Meeting new people. Learning more about what you want/need out of a SO. Learning more about yourself. It really is all worth it in the end. Ok. That's a pretty big positive. Thanks. Hi sumdude! Great to hear from you! That's one of the challenges, going from monogamy to not. I keep expecting a lot of the same intimacy and instant emotional knowledge. It is a game - but I keep thinking that the other person is as open as I am. I like your idea, Ruby. And thinking of Alpha's 'lame mixer' success, I think meetup is a good way to start looking around for interesting events. How do you stop yourself from being so serious and analytical - is that just one of my personality traits, or is that common to dating?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 How do you stop yourself from being so serious and analytical - is that just one of my personality traits, or is that common to dating? I am by nature serious and analytical. Anytime I follow people's advice to "lighten up and be casual", I just get into trouble and disappointment. Be you!
stepka Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I would have thought it was much easier, exactly. The reality has crashed into my expectations. I thought it'd be a few different guys, just hanging out, having fun, no real emotions or anything. Just lightness and fun. Not at all. I forgot (or didn't realize) the beatings that an ego takes when a guy has other plans, or doesn't call (or return calls). I don't know what I thought. I guess I still wander around with the LTR formula in my head. I can understand why you'd go on a dating strike - it still doesn't alleviate the confusion and hurt feelings, though. I love the way you put that--about going around with the LTR formula in your head--it's like it's programmed into us. I'm back into dating again after spending half my life married, and I realized that my goals are now different--almost chased a perspective boyfriend away the other night b/c he thought I was looking for something much more long term--I realized I was spouting part of the formula and that I'm really not looking for that right now. I'm just dipping my toes in the water really, and I've already been hurt, but not quite ready to take a sabbatical yet. I read a book about getting back into dating, and the best advice offered is to not place such high stakes on each date going in--just expect to go have fun and to get something out of it. I try to make a new friend each time, and have been successful at that at least half the time. So if there's no chem, but you guys get along and have similar interests, you could always go hang out sometimes. Also, I'm trying to harness the power of negative thinking--no matter how well the date went don't expect to hear from them again, b/c sometimes you won't.
Jilly Bean Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Oh, if you mean it SUCKS, then yes, this is dating. Every time I have a crappy first date, I lament breaking up with any number of old boyfriends and ask myself why I left them, and maybe it's not too late to go back. lol
dreamergrl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Oh, if you mean it SUCKS, then yes, this is dating. Every time I have a crappy first date, I lament breaking up with any number of old boyfriends and ask myself why I left them, and maybe it's not too late to go back. lol Or a crappy second or third date :lmao:
Jilly Bean Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Or a crappy second or third date :lmao: Oh, yes. That, too.
dreamergrl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Oh, yes. That, too. Heck, I'll up it even more, a month of good dates, then suddenly it all goes wrong.
pandagirl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Yeah, dating can really suck, and it's emotionally exhausting. But what I've discovered is if I just calm myself down, takes things for what they are, it really isn't that bad. The WORST thing that can happen is things don't work out, and in the grand scheme of things, I can handle that and it's not the end of the world. I've been through some really heartbreaking dating experiences, and I know I can deal with whatever is thrown my way.
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