loony Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I just got contacted by someone and I just don't know what to do anymore. Here's some more background info: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79408/ We did not stay in contact. In December 2007 we had contact again, which lasted until January or February 2008 and then I broke off contact with him again like I have done a dozen times before. I think he's a good person, but he is controlling, pushy, he twists words, he insults me, he has not only one, but probably a dozen huge chips on his shoulder, he makes unfounded claims, he manipulates me (of course, it's just for my best, because I just need someone to tell me what is good for me). The last time we started to have contact again I told him I was in a sensitive mood and that I could not take too much pressure. He completely ignored it. He started pushing and pressuring me again. I broke off contact when he claimed that I had agreed to hang out with him when I didn't and when he started shouting at me on the phone that I could not treat people like that. Initially he wanted to meet me for a tea and then it suddenly became hanging out at his place, having dinner and watching a movie. He got angry at me for standing him up while I had not arranged for such a meeting at all. I really feel as if insanity is creeping into my mind when I talk to him. I really try to be a nice person and to be clear. Before this break, we had a break of maybe a year. It was me who had re-initiated contact before that break. I send him an email, apologizing that I should have realized that he had feelings for me, that since he was the one with the feelings and I was in the stronger position being not in love with him that I should have addressed this problem and resolved it. Don't ask me why I did that. If I had talked to him, he would have denied his feelings for me and he would have called me presumptuous for believing that everybody who wants to be her friend is in love with her. I try to remind myself that people will only lash out at you, because they are hurt, but really, I'm somewhat tired of hearing ****, whenever I try to be nice. Anyway, what I meant to say with this is, I don't feel as if I have any kind of energy left for him. I've done so much and I always get this **** back. I don't know what to tell him. I don't want to have contact with him. At the same time I don't want to hurt his feelings. I tried telling him before that his behavior is stressing me and he kept on telling me that since we were friends I had to forgive him and that I also said nasty things to him and yelled at him. Well, I yelled at him, because I wasn't able to stand his **** anymore. I just couldn't stand the pressure he put on me anymore. I just don't know what I should do anymore. If I explain my feelings to him, he will discard them and say I have to forgive him since we are friends and since he also forgives me. And I have already explained my feelings to him, it was completely useless. He kept on insisisting that he had a right to behave as he wanted to and that it was me who needed to be more tolerant. I was the one who needed to work on her tolerance while he insisted that he had no guilt when he crossed the limits that I had made very clear to him. This moron is trampling on my feelings and insists he has a right to do it and I have to forgive him. (Good grief, just writing about this upsets me.) If I ignore him it will hurt his feelings. I know how it is to get ignored. If I reply that I don't want contact he will either say something absurd that upsets me or hurt my feelings or he will make me pity him. I really don't want to hurt his feelings, but I just don't know what to do anymore. We've known each other for 6 or 7 years and half of that time we did not have contact. Suggestions?
Amy22 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 hun, you are worried about hurting his feelings when he obviously doesn't care about hurting yours. Regardless of how sensitive he is and his feelings might be hurt, it doesn't make it okay for him to treat you how ever he wants. You have feelings to. If he was worried that much about being hurt by you leaving, he would be making an effort to be nicer to you and he isn't. I would get this guy out of my life and not feel guilty at all. What about what you owe to yourself? What about how you deserve to be treated? You owe it to yourself to stop being around someone who treats you like crap and doesn't care about your feelings. You need to find someone who cares about your feelings as you care about his. I feel for you because it sounds like you are in a hard spot and I can tell this is really weighing on you. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you realize how much you are worth, how much your feelings are worth, how you deserve better and get rid of this guy.
Forever loving life Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I agree with Amy, I had a similar situation with a man years ago and realized how important it is to be around a man that cares about my feelings and wants the best for me, since that is what I would want for him. It is great that you consider other people's feelings, however, you shouldn't dismiss your own feelings the way that he seems to be dismissing them. Do what is best for you! Be as nice as possible, but get your point across to him. Don't let him walk on you or treat you like you don't matter. Anyone that is worth your tears, won't make you cry.
D-Lish Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I think he's a good person, but he is controlling, pushy, he twists words, he insults me, he has not only one, but probably a dozen huge chips on his shoulder, he makes unfounded claims, he manipulates me (of course, it's just for my best, because I just need someone to tell me what is good for me). On one hand you say he is controlling and manipulative, and on the other you claim he is a good person... What's the real deal? I think you're a little like me- you have boundary issues. Perhaps your need to make others feel comfortable outweighs your own need to do what is best for yourself. When you break this down- he has treated you pretty badly. You are able to write it out, articulate it- you know he doesn't deserve anything from you. Really, what you are telling him by remaining neutral, or polite- by breaking down and letting him back into you life, is significant. You are letting him know that the way he treated you was okay. You are letting him know that he can go ahead and do it again and get away with it. What would happen if you told him to go away? If you ignored him? You can be a compassionate person and still stand up for yourself.
Author loony Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Thanks everybody for your replies and your concern! He is a genuinely good person, but nevertheless he talks ****. I've wondered the last couple of days how to tell him that I do not want to have contact with him and well, I still haven't replied. Whatever I say, however I try to be nice, he will lash out at me or he will say that he is really sad and that's probably how he feels at that moment. A couple of days later he will get upset again and tell me that I'm so unforgiving an that he always forgives me, because we are friends despite my temper tantrums, blablabla... Just because I'm not in love with him, doesn't mean that hearing these accusations doesn't hurt my feelings. I'm not going to say anything...
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