pie_eater Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I don't think I can keep this from being unbearably long but still include a lot (certainly not all) of the details but here goes: I was with a girl for over 3 years. We were living together since the 8 month mark, or so. It was great for a long time. For the last 4-6 months, we didn't spend much quality time alone together and this was largely my fault. Our time alone was largely domestic though pleasant. As this was going on, she began pulling away and I compensated by spending even more time with my friends. This made her feel neglected and she pulled away even further and built up negativity towards me over any little thing that she didn't like (and some not so little things, but things that could have been dealt with if mentioned). She hid this up until the last month, however, and kept saying that she loved me even when we tried to talk about her being unhappy. She was hanging out alone with a mutual friend of ours more and more over the last few months. I had known him for 5 years and didn't feel the need to worry about the situation. She said that she needed to move out and we gave notice on the apartment. We hung out a lot for a week and then I went on a 10 day trip alone that she was supposed to go on and her stuff was gone when I got back. We talked and she said that, among other things, she was no longer attracted to me. I wanted to leave her alone and give us both space, until I found out that she would be leaving town in one month due to job loss (which has since changed, BTW). I made a package for her that explained how I had learned a lot of things about myself, etc. etc. and that I would like to start something new with her since the old situation was clearly not okay for either. She said that she was now happy and didn't want to meet with me. I told her that I had a few things to say and so we met the following day. I explained the realizations I had about how I handled the relationship and apologized. I said that I wasn't asking her for anything, I wasn't asking to get back together and didn't feel I was owed anything, but I just wanted her to know how much she meant to me and that I was sorry for not showing it earlier. She said that she wasn't against the idea of having a relationship with me in the future, but that she would have to get over a lot of negativity that she had built up. She also hinted that there was someone else. I told her that I would not contact her, and that she can contact me when she's ready. A week and a half later, we saw each other when we handled the final apartment stuff with the landlord. * We had a nice conversation about nothing in particular and it felt good. A week after that, I found out that she is seeing and sexually active with the aformentioned mutual friend. Two weekends later, another mutual friend was in town and wanted to get together with the in town friends. My ex knew I would be there. She showed up late after everybody was there. I talked with the group for 10 minutes while she was there and then said goodbyes and went to leave. She pulled me aside to talk. She said that she heard I was told that she is dating this guy and she said that it started after we broke up. She said that she didn't want me to be hurt. I don't really know her intentions because I don't know what she thought she would say that would make any difference. I told her that the break-up was for the best so she needs to do whatever makes her happy. I left it at that and went away wishing I hadn't seen her. This was last weekend. I won't lie and say that I don't still want a relationship with the person she used to be when things were great, but her actions have caused me to be the one with the negativity now I'd only take her back if I was convinced that she came to some realizations herself, as I did. I know that this is unlikely to happen. It sucks that she is acting all happy now as that is the girl that I loved to be around, not the unhappy one during the last several months. I'm not worried about this other guy, because there is no way that it can work out and he isn't a valuable person not even considering this recent situation. The only thing he had going for him is time and that's what she needed. Otherwise, they aren't really compatible. My problem is this. A good friend's wedding (I'm the best man) is coming up in 2 weeks. She had said after the break up that she still wanted to go if that was okay. I would guess she would only go to the ceremony and not the rehearsal dinner or reception, but she was formally invited and accepted to both. If she were to go to the reception where we would have to interact, I'm sure there would be some tension at first, but then we would have a lot of fun because I know that she still likes me even though she doesn't feel in love. The problem is that I don't want to be the guy on the side and it bums me out to see her now. I also think it sets me back in terms of dating other women. Add to that the fact that I thought I was going to marry her and dredging this up at a wedding doesn't sound appealing at all. I guess my options are to just suck it up and hope she doesn't go, but try to have a good time if she does. Or I can tell her not to go, though I don't want to contact her. I can tell her through a mutual friend, but I prefer not to pass messages in such a way. Finally, she doesn't have all of the details for the events, so if she does want to go, she will probably email me to ask the details. Not sure what I should do here.
NopeNah Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 If she contacts you for details stay NC. It's not your place to give them to her. If they want her there she can get it from them.
mark982 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 if you tell her not to go, she'll know that she can get to your feelings. you're going to have to man-up, fake it if you have to.
asuman Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I'm not understanding why you're tied to her for this wedding. If she goes, fine, but she can go separately from you. You'll have to deal with that situation just as you would any social engagement where you would have to see her. Basically, just ignore her and don't really talk to her during the evening. Not like you're pouting. But just keep busy with other people. You're the best man so I'll assume you will know lots of people there.
Author pie_eater Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 We were invited and accepted together so we would be seated together. I may be able to change that, though. Also, she doesn't know anyone else there besides my friend's family so she would probably hang around me. Basically, I don't even want to see her even if Im not tied to her. Especially since it is a situation where I have to be there for hours.
Hannah86 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 You didn't invite her, your friend and his girlfriend did. If she wants to go to the reception and the ceremony, let her. If you can, I think you should request that she not sit at your table because you still have confused feelings about her. Your friend should be understanding. If you are seated next to her, you should be cordial, but don't flirt, and don't dance with her. Let her initiate contact and answer her questions and be nice. Imagine she is the ugly girl from the back of math class that you're nice to but just...not interested in. It sounds like these are mainly your friends, and she will already feel awkward and silly for coming. It is not your place to make it worse and be cold to her and rude, but it is also not your duty to make her feel totally welcome.
Author pie_eater Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Well, if anyone is curious, I checked with my friend to make sure we would be at different tables and they had already planned that. The ex sent me a text 5 hours prior to the rehearsal dinner asking what time the dinner was (not even "hi", just "what time is the rehearsal dinner?"). I decided that she is not my guest and I am not the host who invited her so I didn't need to be her information source; I didn't reply. I don't know if that text was a feeler but she didn't show to the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, the reception, or the day-after lunch at a pub.
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