lumos512 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 My boyfriend and I recently broke up, about two weeks ago. We were together a year and a half, and were good friends about two years before that. It was completely mutual, and there are no hard feelings. We're trying very hard to go back to being friends, since neither one of us wants to be out of each other's lives completely; we just realized that for our lives and futures we wanted very different things, and it was a good time and place to end the relationship. I'm glad we did, and I think we're both handling things very well, and maturely. We are in contact fairly often. we lived together, and I'm moving out, so we do have to talk about our bank account, finding me a new place, etc. And like I said, it's going extremely well, he's helping me land back on my feet, we're polite and get along, and it's genuine, not a farce. But on my end there is a hiccup I'm obsessing about, and I'd like some outside opinions. While we were breaking up, I was talking with a mutual friend of ours, who said that my ex was having some issues (now I understand most of them) but one was "inappropriate lust" with one of the female friends he hangs out with. I DID ask my ex boyfriend if there was another girl he was attracted to, wanted to date, or "hook up" or was while we were ending things, and he says no, he's not ready for that yet, but I can't shake the feeling. It doesn't help that he does normally hang out with TONS of girls. He also hates to be alone, and craves people's company, and has a tendency to try to hide things from me when he thinks it'll hurt my feelings. We're broken up, so it's none of my business, and as a friend, he'll tell me when he wants or feels he needs to. I'm trying desperately to not obsess or be a jealous ex, because that's not where I want to be. But what I don't know is worse than what I do know. What do you think? Does it sound like a rebound? Or a fling? Or something to get over "us?" Or nothing? I'd just like some feedback. Having some idea would give me the piece of mind I want/need.
Exit Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Don't let one little thing ruin the fact that you're having a fairly smooth/easy break up. Who knows if this other girl even pays attention to him. All you know is that he lusts over some other girl. You're broken up and have no right to be jealous. This is why immediately becoming friends usually doesn't work, because no matter what there are still lingering feelings which lead to jealousy and other heartbreak. You shouldn't be friends with someone until time has passed, you will know when you're ready to be friends when you hear they are dating someone else and it DOESN'T bother you. Ask him about it if you want, but like you said, he will only tell you what he feels like telling you. You might be better off leaving it alone. What is there really to be jealous over? You decided this guy is going down a different path in his life. If another girl wants to walk that path with him and you didn't, why be jealous.
boogieboy Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Im pretty sure she cant help thinking about what he might be doing, Ive been there. If there are girls throwing themselves at him, he very well could be indulging. But he might be confused as to how he feels about you, he might not want to deal with new girls, or he might be lying to you. Seriously though, If you have these feelings, it might not be a good idea to keep in touch with him until you can handle the thought of him sleeping with all those women he hangs out with.
Thomas X Forever Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Ah, I love when people say things like "we're handling the break up great" or "it's going well" or "I'm glad its happening like this." I hope you're wearing a parachute, because you're about to fall, and you're about to fall hard. Hope you aren't scared of fire.
asuman Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 My boyfriend and I recently broke up, about two weeks ago. We were together a year and a half, and were good friends about two years before that. It was completely mutual, and there are no hard feelings. We're trying very hard to go back to being friends, since neither one of us wants to be out of each other's lives completely; we just realized that for our lives and futures we wanted very different things, and it was a good time and place to end the relationship. I'm glad we did, and I think we're both handling things very well, and maturely. We are in contact fairly often. we lived together, and I'm moving out, so we do have to talk about our bank account, finding me a new place, etc. And like I said, it's going extremely well, he's helping me land back on my feet, we're polite and get along, and it's genuine, not a farce. But on my end there is a hiccup I'm obsessing about, and I'd like some outside opinions. While we were breaking up, I was talking with a mutual friend of ours, who said that my ex was having some issues (now I understand most of them) but one was "inappropriate lust" with one of the female friends he hangs out with. I DID ask my ex boyfriend if there was another girl he was attracted to, wanted to date, or "hook up" or was while we were ending things, and he says no, he's not ready for that yet, but I can't shake the feeling. It doesn't help that he does normally hang out with TONS of girls. He also hates to be alone, and craves people's company, and has a tendency to try to hide things from me when he thinks it'll hurt my feelings. We're broken up, so it's none of my business, and as a friend, he'll tell me when he wants or feels he needs to. I'm trying desperately to not obsess or be a jealous ex, because that's not where I want to be. But what I don't know is worse than what I do know. What do you think? Does it sound like a rebound? Or a fling? Or something to get over "us?" Or nothing? I'd just like some feedback. Having some idea would give me the piece of mind I want/need. Exhibit A of why people can't be friends with exes so soon after a relationship ends. 1. It's none of your business. If he wants your advice he can ask you about it. 2. Your feelings will prevent you from giving him good advice anyway. A real friend would be able to tell him, "Dude, you're kind of lusting after her but hey she is hot so go for it." I don't see you saying that to him, somehow. It's not a real friendship when emotions are so high.
Beeotch Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 My boyfriend and I recently broke up, about two weeks ago. We were together a year and a half, and were good friends about two years before that. It was completely mutual, and there are no hard feelings. We're trying very hard to go back to being friends, since neither one of us wants to be out of each other's lives completely; we just realized that for our lives and futures we wanted very different things, and it was a good time and place to end the relationship. I'm glad we did, and I think we're both handling things very well, and maturely. We are in contact fairly often. we lived together, and I'm moving out, so we do have to talk about our bank account, finding me a new place, etc. And like I said, it's going extremely well, he's helping me land back on my feet, we're polite and get along, and it's genuine, not a farce. But on my end there is a hiccup I'm obsessing about, and I'd like some outside opinions. While we were breaking up, I was talking with a mutual friend of ours, who said that my ex was having some issues (now I understand most of them) but one was "inappropriate lust" with one of the female friends he hangs out with. I DID ask my ex boyfriend if there was another girl he was attracted to, wanted to date, or "hook up" or was while we were ending things, and he says no, he's not ready for that yet, but I can't shake the feeling. It doesn't help that he does normally hang out with TONS of girls. He also hates to be alone, and craves people's company, and has a tendency to try to hide things from me when he thinks it'll hurt my feelings. We're broken up, so it's none of my business, and as a friend, he'll tell me when he wants or feels he needs to. I'm trying desperately to not obsess or be a jealous ex, because that's not where I want to be. But what I don't know is worse than what I do know. What do you think? Does it sound like a rebound? Or a fling? Or something to get over "us?" Or nothing? I'd just like some feedback. Having some idea would give me the piece of mind I want/need. I mean for one: your friends need to stop carrying stories to you. Tell them you do NOT need a play by play of what your ex is doing. I am actually upset this person used "inappropriate lust"....WTF??? He is an adult, he can lust. She is not his sister so how is it inappropriate? Anyway, I know you are going to be jealous etc. He probably is attracted to this other person and likes her but as he rightfully said, he is not ready for a new relationship etc. People's feelings can change though. But yea...you should ask your friends not to inform you about what he is doing and really try to keep yourself in the dark about it. What you don't know is better. Trust me. If you find out he is seeing this person, esp if you know her...won't make you feel any better.
Beeotch Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Ah, I love when people say things like "we're handling the break up great" or "it's going well" or "I'm glad its happening like this." I hope you're wearing a parachute, because you're about to fall, and you're about to fall hard. Hope you aren't scared of fire. LMAO Harsh but true. We're humans, you got attached to this person, you cared about them, shared yourself and life with them...even if you mutually broke up there are still going to be feelings of jealousy, possessiveness etc. That is kind of why you need that time to untangle emotionally...as everything is usually peachykins when no one is seeing anyone else..but the true feelings, anger, hurt, hostility, etc come out when one person starts to move on esp with someone else.
Author lumos512 Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Eh, sorry, I was trying to give background info, I guess it got in the way of me being really clear. 1. Obviously i have no say in who/what he wants to do with his life unless he feels like sharing it with me, I know that. We split up, so his life is now his, not "ours." I'm not saying/thinking I do....I just can't help being curious and wanted opinions. 2. Of course those feelings are still there, it's only been two weeks, so this is hard. I'm not trying to be friends right now, (I don't think it's possible for me right now), just...friendly, and on our way there, I hope. 3. I'm dying to know what's going on with this girl, true, but that's not what I was asking. I was just asking does it sound like a rebound or nothing or something? "Inappropriate lust" was the term our friend used, I still don't know what that exactly means, but I thought it was a weird turn of phrase so I put it in. But what I'm getting is regardless of everything else, just give myself time.
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Out of sight...out of mind! That is what has worked for me. I used to follow him on Twitter and trust me...seeing all he was doing, where he was going, whom he was flirting with....did NOTHING but upset me and turn my stomach. So...I just stopped. I stopped following him. My friends who do follow him, I ask them to please refrain from telling me about what he is saying/doing. It gives me peace.Yes there is a curiosity...but that curiosity allows me to fill in my own blanks. I can think whatever I want: he could be depressed at his house etc lol. I don't know...but atleast I don't have to hear and see him having a grand time. Esp. online...people can deliberately put up pictures and a front if they know you are looking. So I don't look. I have NO CLUE what he is/isnt doing. It is an amazing relief.
CaliGuy Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Most everyone asks if their ex's new relationship is a rebound for one purpose only: To keep up the hope that they'll come back. So I have some advice for you. Once you're back on your feet, end the friendship. At least for a while. You need time and separation from him before you guys can ever go back to being friends -- if ever. The more you are in contact with him the more the "bad taste" of the relationship will linger meaning if someone new was to walk into your life, you'd miss them completely. Get over this ex, don't worry about what he is up to or who he is dating. You have absolutely ZERO control over any of that. The only thing you control in this life is yourself. Put your focus there. Onward and upward (not backwards). Cheers.
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 yeah my ex went over another guys house the day after we broke up so i assumed that she as been talkin to him for a while and may be partially why she wanted to break it off to see if she can connect with him..in reality i am checkin emails and phone records stalking her etc i have neva done this over a female she got me hooked but really i need to stop and so should u it will cause nuthing but stress in ur life ..*** it let them do them u do u and be happy by urself with urself and if u decide to give it another shot then try but u will be happier inside and should it not work there will be less heartbreak dont worry about what he is doin worry about how u can become better.
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