What is MW thinking?

[delirious]

If I were her and you professed your love for me and wanted me to leave my husband of 17 years, I would have doubts about your true feelings. I mean you really have not had time on your own enough to realise exactly how you feel. Here you have someone in your life to take away the hurt and make you feel better, you said you are content with that for now. Give it time, don't pressure her. She maybe loves her husband but is in love with you, there is a difference and it is confusing.

[Gamine]

InRepair, honestly I do not think this is healthy or normal behavior for a woman. That isn't to say that she doesn't care about you, however there are serious red flags concerning her normalcy. If find it peculiar... almost bordering on a plural marriage mindset. Not terribly different than men who have two families going along in parallel universes. She has a similar thing going on with you and frankly it is disturbing and forgive me for being so blunt... but extremely weird.

 

She has you like husband #2. I hope that you meet and fall in love with a kind, monogamous woman with whom you have a fulfilling and joyous life. If you remain and 'win her' you are stuck with yet another woman who is not monogamous and who thinks nothing of living a double life if it serves her interests. Frankly everyone deserves better than that.

 

Best wishes to you...

[Darth Vader]

norajane, I was listening to your answer when you first gave it, and that is why I responded and tried to explain the situation again. I know that the broad-brush answer to my question is that she is a cake eater and she just enjoys having us both... but(yes, but), what is so enjoyable about the way she is doing it? I could easily accept that answer if she was just sneaking over here for sex or an ego boost before she heads home to hubby, but that is not the case.

 

I guess I will let it go until one of us has had enough. At the end of the day I am still just the OM and our relationship is still just an affair, no matter how it is carried out. Though it does seem strange to me, as she already "had us both" before this new behavior started.

 

 

Has it occured to you to drop 2 quarters in a pay phone to inform her husband that his wife's been riding you in his own bed for however long?

 

Since it bothers you so much, at least give him the ability to get out of his pathetic sham of a marriage!

 

I say do it! Tell him what his wife's up to, and that you're the one she's banging, (no need to give your name), inform him that his wife will deny it of course, and when it's been happening.

 

Reason being is, one day he could just come walking in on you both while she's riding and screaming in orgasmic extasy in his bed, the next and last thing you both hear is a shot gun blast behind her and seeing her guts splatered all over you, and seeing your own guts through a gaping hole in your torso!

 

This kind of thing happens more than people are willing to admit! Think of your own sorry pathetic life, apparently your MW is only thinking of hers, and what she can get, or whatever man she can do!! She probably just wants a little strange,but, her poor hubby has to remain faithful? Sounds like your STBXW.

[sugarmomma]

IR

 

Welcome to LS. You ask the question of "what is MW thinking"? Who cares what she's thinking. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!!!!!

 

She does sounds just like your STBXW. It is not surprising that you wind up with a woman who is unfaithful just like her. They are the same, just different faces. You picked this woman because of your own woundedness.

 

Usually when a R ends there should be a natural grieving process that follows. This would have given you an opportunity to reflect and find yourself and what you really want in a R. You never gave yourself a chance to heal and examine your shortcomings in the R, that's why you can't make a decision now.

 

Because you didn't want to deal with the pain of being alone with yourself and the breakdown of the M you decided to dip your stick in an illusion.

 

I don't want to sound harsh but this is what happens as a result of being vulnerable and wounded from a broken marriage. You have totally fell for the fantasy and now you live in denial. I know how uncomfortably comfortable that can be.

 

You keep asking why she's acting as if you guys are in a real R when it should have been a FWB situation.

 

You probably want someone to say that she loves you more than her H and you should just wait it out.

 

Well, I won't say that because she doesn't love anyone, not even herself.

 

I will write you a check though- a REALITY check that is-

 

She is married and still with her H.

 

You cannot escape the pain. The only way out is THROUGH.

 

I wish you the best. I hope you let her go and deal with yourself (Nora said it better than I ever could).

 

I know how painful it can be but there is also freedom and true peace on the other side.

 

Good Luck to you!!

[lkjh]

Oh come on. She is just like every cheater. I know you don't want to believe that now but give it some time and you will see her true colors. There will always be some stupid reason why she won't leave or tell her H. But the truth is she just wants you on the side. She wants the fantasy and not the real thing. Right now she is enjoying the "taking care of you" after your wife's affair. When this is exposed she will make you out to be the aggressor, she will tell everyone that she was trying to help you and you took advantage of her.

 

Just remember what it was like to be in her H's places, think about the example you are setting for your kids. Your kids deserve at least one honest parent. I presume you are friends with her H too? If you are that makes what you are doing 10X worst. Do the right thing and tell her H, at least have some more class than your wifes OM

[In_Repair]

Wow, I didn't expect this one to come back to the top. Thanks to everyone for their responses so far. The two responses from MistyK and norajane after my last post made me do a lot of thinking. Maybe it is just a matter of how the two sexes are wired differently.

 

I also really appreciate the advice from everyone else too, even if it happens to be a little harsh sounding. Believe me, I am fairly level headed and I have managed to keep my head out of the clouds concerning this thing. I've never had an affair before though, and the progression of how it is carried out has really perplexed the hell out of me.

 

As for looking out for myself right now... my life changed dramatically after my wife left, for reasons other than MW. I just happened to have a full physical scheduled the week she moved out, and it was not a good one. They found a couple of minor issues and determined that my primary symptoms were because I am hypoglycemic. In addition, I was diagnosed with primary hypogonadism(sp?) and a testosterone count that was about 1/4 of what it should be for a man my age. Which was surprising to everyone, as I never had any of the normally associated sexual symptoms. After a month of being on the various treatments, I felt ten years younger and I was happier with myself than I had been... well, for what seems like forever. I've dropped 35lbs in the last 5 months and I haven't even dieted. I've recently started swimming again, which was a huge passion for me when I was a teenager. I'm also getting ready to drag my old Jeep out of storage and get back to work on it - something my wife wouldn't let me do. I redecorated the house and made it my own... I'm taking all of the steps that you would expect someone to do when putting their life back together after the end of a marriage. To be honest though, the best part of it all is how my new found positive attitude pisses off the ex. I giggle like a school girl every time she says some backhanded comment about how happy she is that I'm so much better off without her. She looks like hell, BTW, which makes it even sweeter in my sick and twisted mind. LOL

 

To the people who have expressed concern about my kids: My main focus in life is my children, and I have to be the stable one in their lives right now. Unlike my STBX, I have absolutely no intention of introducing anyone to them under the label of my "special friend", or any crap like that, until I am legally divorced from their mother. My MW would be allowed to come around my children, IF she leaves her husband, but not until. The only reason I would allow that is because my daughter knew and really liked my MW before my wife left, but I haven't allowed them to be around each other since then. She knew MW as mommy's friend, not daddy's friend, and I don't want to confuse her even further, especially with the high probability that my relationship with MW could end at any time.

 

Again, thank you all. Even with all of the disagreements, "tough love" comments, and the constant bitching around here... it is still a great resource for people like me, and I appreciate that.

[MistyK]

I have absolutely no intention of introducing anyone to them under the label of my "special friend", or any crap like that, until I am legally divorced from their mother. My MW would be allowed to come around my children, IF she leaves her husband, but not until. The only reason I would allow that is because my daughter knew and really liked my MW before my wife left, but I haven't allowed them to be around each other since then. She knew MW as mommy's friend, not daddy's friend, and I don't want to confuse her even further, especially with the high probability that my relationship with MW could end at any time.

 

Good for you. Glad to hear you are getting your life back together. It is cathartic to change around the old marital house isn't it? I agree about the kids, I made that same resolution when my M ended. Good for you!

 

Be aware though that once the joy of your newfound freedom wears off, you may start find yourself increasingly drawn to share it with someone - meaning you will be increasingly unhappy with the MW's lack of movement. That is the point at which I fell into a deep depression that I am only now starting to crawl out of. Take care.

[sugarmomma]

Wow, I didn't expect this one to come back to the top. Thanks to everyone for their responses so far. The two responses from MistyK and norajane after my last post made me do a lot of thinking. Maybe it is just a matter of how the two sexes are wired differently.

 

I also really appreciate the advice from everyone else too, even if it happens to be a little harsh sounding. Believe me, I am fairly level headed and I have managed to keep my head out of the clouds concerning this thing. I've never had an affair before though, and the progression of how it is carried out has really perplexed the hell out of me.

 

As for looking out for myself right now... my life changed dramatically after my wife left, for reasons other than MW. I just happened to have a full physical scheduled the week she moved out, and it was not a good one. They found a couple of minor issues and determined that my primary symptoms were because I am hypoglycemic. In addition, I was diagnosed with primary hypogonadism(sp?) and a testosterone count that was about 1/4 of what it should be for a man my age. Which was surprising to everyone, as I never had any of the normally associated sexual symptoms. After a month of being on the various treatments, I felt ten years younger and I was happier with myself than I had been... well, for what seems like forever. I've dropped 35lbs in the last 5 months and I haven't even dieted. I've recently started swimming again, which was a huge passion for me when I was a teenager. I'm also getting ready to drag my old Jeep out of storage and get back to work on it - something my wife wouldn't let me do. I redecorated the house and made it my own... I'm taking all of the steps that you would expect someone to do when putting their life back together after the end of a marriage. To be honest though, the best part of it all is how my new found positive attitude pisses off the ex. I giggle like a school girl every time she says some backhanded comment about how happy she is that I'm so much better off without her. She looks like hell, BTW, which makes it even sweeter in my sick and twisted mind. LOL

 

To the people who have expressed concern about my kids: My main focus in life is my children, and I have to be the stable one in their lives right now. Unlike my STBX, I have absolutely no intention of introducing anyone to them under the label of my "special friend", or any crap like that, until I am legally divorced from their mother. My MW would be allowed to come around my children, IF she leaves her husband, but not until. The only reason I would allow that is because my daughter knew and really liked my MW before my wife left, but I haven't allowed them to be around each other since then. She knew MW as mommy's friend, not daddy's friend, and I don't want to confuse her even further, especially with the high probability that my relationship with MW could end at any time.

 

Again, thank you all. Even with all of the disagreements, "tough love" comments, and the constant bitching around here... it is still a great resource for people like me, and I appreciate that.

 

This comment is total fluff. Wow!

[taylor]

As for looking out for myself right now... my life changed dramatically after my wife left, for reasons other than MW. I just happened to have a full physical scheduled the week she moved out, and it was not a good one. They found a couple of minor issues and determined that my primary symptoms were because I am hypoglycemic. In addition, I was diagnosed with primary hypogonadism(sp?) and a testosterone count that was about 1/4 of what it should be for a man my age. Which was surprising to everyone, as I never had any of the normally associated sexual symptoms. After a month of being on the various treatments, I felt ten years younger and I was happier with myself than I had been... well, for what seems like forever. I've dropped 35lbs in the last 5 months and I haven't even dieted. I've recently started swimming again, which was a huge passion for me when I was a teenager. I'm also getting ready to drag my old Jeep out of storage and get back to work on it - something my wife wouldn't let me do. I redecorated the house and made it my own... I'm taking all of the steps that you would expect someone to do when putting their life back together after the end of a marriage. To be honest though, the best part of it all is how my new found positive attitude pisses off the ex. I giggle like a school girl every time she says some backhanded comment about how happy she is that I'm so much better off without her. She looks like hell, BTW, which makes it even sweeter in my sick and twisted mind. LOL

 

To the people who have expressed concern about my kids: My main focus in life is my children, and I have to be the stable one in their lives right now. Unlike my STBX, I have absolutely no intention of introducing anyone to them under the label of my "special friend", or any crap like that, until I am legally divorced from their mother. My MW would be allowed to come around my children, IF she leaves her husband, but not until. The only reason I would allow that is because my daughter knew and really liked my MW before my wife left, but I haven't allowed them to be around each other since then. She knew MW as mommy's friend, not daddy's friend, and I don't want to confuse her even further, especially with the high probability that my relationship with MW could end at any time.

 

Actually, this post is very telling, especially with regard to where the OP is emotionally in his life.

 

You are rebounding, OP, and using a married woman to do it with.

 

You found a quick replacement for your wife..a willing female to step in to fill the void your wife left...from providing a listening ear, to cleaning your house, to meeting your sexual needs.

 

Of course she makes you feel good..you just went thru alot of trauma with your STBXW. You are hurting. You are grieving. The MW soothes your pain, boosts your damaged ego, and curbs your loneliness. Of course you feel like you are in love with her. She has been your savior.

 

But, you are not over your wife. I can tell by reading your post above that you still have strong feelings for her. When you can be indifferent to your wife, that is when you will be "over" her.

 

While it's quite natural to seek comfort in the arms of another woman after, it isn't in your best interests. Or hers.

 

You took a wrong turn by jumping so quickly into another relationship. And your really took a wrong turn by getting involved with a married woman.

 

You are very vulnerable right now. You need to guard your heart.

 

My advise is to back away from the affair. Tell your affair partner you need to take some time to heal from your broken marriage.

 

Get divorced. Then start dating single, available women.

 

You will do yourself and another woman far more good doing it this way.

 

If you stay in the affair, one of you will get hurt. Either she will end the affair - guilt or because her husband finds out.

 

Or you will use this woman until you are healed enough to stand on your own two feet. Then you will be ready to explore more romantic opportunities. You will dump her and she will get hurt.

 

I am a married woman who had an emotional affair. I will tell you this MW of yours is getting some emotional needs met by you that she is not getting met at home. She jumped at the opportunity to have these needs met by you when your marriage fell apart.

 

You are getting emotional needs met by this woman as well. Men going thru divorce feel beat up..especially their egos.. They are vulnerable and will latch on to the first woman who makes them feel good about themselves.

 

So, for right now, the affair is "working." But like real relationships, affairs progress. And at some point in time, the affair will no longer "work." At some point, the two of you will no longer be able to continue meeting each other's increasing needs.

 

I see more heartache in your future.

[In_Repair]

Sugarmomma, how exactly is my above post "fluff"? Nothing that was typed is a lie, and I have no need to sweeten things up for anyone here. My original "D day" regarding my wife's affair was in October of 2007, and my marriage would have ended then also if were not for the fact that she was pregnant with my son at the time and having difficulties with the pregnancy. I emotionally detached from her at that point though and I had lots of time to figure stuff out and make plans for when we finally split. I'm doing pretty good, other than being hung up on a married woman.

 

Taylor, I get what you are saying about my affair and I know that you are probably right. I'm not arguing.

But concerning my wife: I am at the point where I am indifferent, for the most part. I really don't give a rat's ass what she does as long as it does not harm my children in any way. The reason I get pissed or feel anger towards her sometimes is because of her hostile attitude towards me even to this day, after leaving me. For the most part, it is entertaining and I have a good laugh about it later, but sometimes it's over the top. She stood in my front yard at about 9:00 one night and, at the top of her lungs, accused me of screwing two different married women that live on my street, one directly across the street and they were all home at the time. She has made phone calls to a couple of women that she thinks I started dating after she left, granted... one of those calls was to my MW... but still. She has lied to everyone that we know and tried to convince them that I was a closet drug addict... or drunk... or abusive... or I was screwing around on her... anything she can think of. She walked into my house recently to drop the kids off and saw a vase of flowers on my dining room table. She actually turned to my four year old daughter and said "Daddy has turned into a homosexual, look at his pretty flowers". Don't get me wrong, she is usually level headed and I'm not trying to make her sound crazy or anything, but she has been lashing out at me pretty hard since she left. If it's not an outright attack, it's some sarcastic remark or backhanded compliment. Wasn't leaving me for another man, keeping my kids from me for half of every week, and stealing all of my money enough? It's like she wanted me to curl up and die when she left, and now she's pissed that I didn't.

[taylor]

Sounds like you and your wife hold alot of bitterness and resentment for each other..and you are both relishing in your abilities to take jabs at each other at every opportunity.

 

Your wife aside, however, I still feel you moved too quickly into another relationship with the first woman willing to step up as a replacement.

 

You are making great progess in moving on...getting in shape, resuming your favorite activities, keeping busy, redecorating.

 

But getting tangled in a rebound relationship that is an affair as well, is NOT progress. It's not a positive step. You are setting yourself up for a major setback.