In_Repair Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I've been around LS for a long time now, just lurking and taking in the advice, but I'm rather new to the OM/OW board. I'm having trouble understanding the situation I have found myself in, and I have been unable to find a similar situation by doing a forum search, so I'm turning it over to the experts... I was a BS. My wife had an EA that started a couple of weeks before she got pregnant with my son. It ended before he was born because I found out, but then it resumed a few months afterwards. She put me through hell before finally leaving to be with the other guy, and I was thoroughly broken down from it... well, one of her married friends wound up stepping in to comfort me, and things have progressed from there. She is now having a full blown affair with me... yes, I'm that prick. I'm honestly ashamed of what I am doing to her husband, as I've felt that pain myself. This post isn't about that though, I just need to know what the hell is going on, and if anyone from a similar situation can possibly shed some light on the issue. I just don't understand what she is thinking. We initially crossed the line with an understanding that it would never be anything other than a FWB situation. It grew way beyond that. Her and her husband's schedules have allowed her to start living a double life, and I fear that will make our situation stay where it is forever. I'm content with our setup for now, but I want her to eventually make a choice and decide what she wants. She comes to my house at least a couple of days a week while I am at work. She is there now, while I sit here at work typing this, haha. She cleans, watches TV, waits for me to come home for lunch. She spends the night with me sometimes when our schedules allow. We always talk throughout the day, and we meet in private several times a week. Sometimes it almost feels like she is my wife and we just work different schedules. Her closest family and friends know all about me. She professes her undying love to me and has even referred to me as the love of her life. She wants to meet my family and be in my children's lives... but she still says she just can't leave her husband. I'm to the point though where I can see how unfair this is to him and I've urged her to simply tell him and let him move on. I think she is afraid that he is incapable of moving on or that he will simply go off the deep end or something, and she is probably scared to death herself... which I do understand. The whole thing is confusing the hell out of me, but I'm not going to pressure her. I try my best to avoid those talks and I guess I am waiting for her to "see the light" on her own. Like I said earlier, I am fairly content for now... but I fear she will eventually burnout if she keeps up the pace of living a double life. Opinions?
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Why on earth would she give one of you up when she has it all? She's got TWO men meeting all her selfish needs. She's living a double life, getting all the benefits of both. YOU need to decide what it is you want. Don't wait for her to decide if/when she is going to leave her husband..You could be waiting for years. This situation is a mess and a ticking timebomb waiting to go off. Alot of innocent people are going to be hurt by this too, especially if they have children.
Author In_Repair Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 No children on her side. I have two, and I have 50% custody of them. I know what I want, but I can't offer her an honest and open relationship right now either. My divorce won't be final until November. Plus, it would not be fair to introduce my children to a married woman and let them get attached, considering it could all come to a screeching halt tomorrow. You have to complete a one year physical separation before you can get divorced in this state. Even if she left him today, she will still be a married woman for another year. So, I don't push the issue yet.
Owl Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 You said: This post isn't about that though, I just need to know what the hell is going on, and if anyone from a similar situation can possibly shed some light on the issue. With that said...are you just wondering what she's getting out of this situation...or are you looking for advice on what you should do from here? If it's just wondering what she's thinking...you got your answer from WWIU, and it's a sure bet that this is EXACTLY where MW is at. Case closed, nothing to it. If you're wanting advice...well...that response will wait to see if that's what you're looking for.
whimsical_memory Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 No children on her side. I have two, and I have 50% custody of them. I know what I want, but I can't offer her an honest and open relationship right now either. My divorce won't be final until November. Plus, it would not be fair to introduce my children to a married woman and let them get attached, considering it could all come to a screeching halt tomorrow. You have to complete a one year physical separation before you can get divorced in this state. Even if she left him today, she will still be a married woman for another year. So, I don't push the issue yet. I am sure that my opinion will not be popular or met with understanding. However, it amuses me (not really) that someone who is cheating on his wife is concerned about offering an open and honest relationship. Not only have you been cheated on, you aided someone else in cheating on her husband! And, you are BOTH already married. I do not know why someone would want to be in a relationship with a married person, or why they would expect a relationship like this to work out. You have both already cheated on one spouse, what is to stop you or her from cheating on each other?
hopesndreams Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 She is there now, while I sit here at work typing this, haha. Well, haha, back at ya. but she still says she just can't leave her husband. The yolks on you then pal. The whole thing is confusing the hell out of me, but I'm not going to pressure her. I try my best to avoid those talks and I guess I am waiting for her to "see the light" Confuses you? Makes my head hurt just reading what you wrote...but hey, keep avoiding those "talks" and wait forever for her to see the "light" What a couple of saddos. Go ahead. Click the alert button.
Author In_Repair Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I'm not arguing with any of you... because I can't. I know it's wrong, we both do. I would have typed the same responses a year ago... I was mostly hoping to hear from a MW who had done the same thing, or maybe even another OM who had similar experience. I'm not sitting around pining away for this woman and I accept that the whole thing could end at any minute, considering the circumstances. I do love her though, and I want her in my life.
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Do a site search here on LS on the username stampdaddy. His posts hopefully will give you some insight. She isn't going to leave her husband because the bottomline is, she doesn't want to.
White Flower Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Do a site search here on LS on the username stampdaddy. His posts hopefully will give you some insight. She isn't going to leave her husband because the bottomline is, she doesn't want to. I wondered if he was stampdaddy, lol. Just kidding. In Repair, she is living a double life which is a step further than 'just an A'. I say that because in stampdaddy's stories, we learned that the difference made the R seem that much more capable of resulting in an eventual divorce and marriage for stamp and his gal. This plan did NOT happen and 5 years later ALL or in deep pain.
fooled once Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 What exactly are you hoping for? She will leave her husband? Why in the world did you think getting involved with her was a good idea? Weren't there any other women you could be FWB's with? You KNOW what it feels like to be cheated on
norajane Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 but I want her to eventually make a choice and decide what she wants. She's already decided. She's getting exactly what she wants. You and her H, for whatever each of you brings to her life. She and her H have no children, so it's really just a matter of her not wanting a divorce. Since she has all this free time to be with you and to clean for you and make lunch for you, should we assume she doesn't have to hold down a job and her husband is footing the bill for both of them, perhaps in a style to which she has become accustomed and does not wish to change? She's not scared to leave him; she's lying that she "can't" leave him. She doesn't WANT to leave him. She likes what she's got going. The whole thing is confusing the hell out of me, but I'm not going to pressure her. I try my best to avoid those talks and I guess I am waiting for her to "see the light" on her own. Like I said earlier, I am fairly content for now... but I fear she will eventually burnout if she keeps up the pace of living a double life. Opinions?Be honest with yourself about why you are avoiding a discussion. You don't really WANT to hear her tell you she's not planning to leave her husband. Because then YOU would have to make a choice - continue the affair indefinitely on her terms, or leave her for the unknown that perhaps you are afraid of facing alone and divorced with kids. Revenge and rebound relationship for you so soon after your wife left you? Scared of being divorced and alone? Or does this arrangement suit you well enough because it doesn't require you to fully invest and give your all to a woman after you've been so badly burned by your wife? Whatever it is, you are getting a pseudo-wife who cleans for you and listens to you talk and has sex with you without requiring any type of commitment. If it weren't for the damage you and she are doing to her husband and whatever ethical and moral guilt you might be feeling about that, you've got it made. All the perks without any of the responsibility.
tami-chan Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Hello In repair...welcome to the board! It is going to be a tough ride for you ( as most of us immoral people have experienced here ). I was a BS ( many times over) who one day decided to have an affair wth an MM, lucky for me his W ( now exW) didn't not care as they have lived separate lives for a while. So there was not much drama on that. I am not an expert though, but would like to share some of my thoughts with you. well, one of her married friends wound up stepping in to comfort me, and things have progressed from there. She is now having a full blown affair with me... yes, I'm that prick. I'm honestly ashamed of what I am doing to her husband, as I've felt that pain myself. This post isn't about that though, I just need to know what the hell is going on, and if anyone from a similar situation can possibly shed some light on the issue. I just don't understand what she is thinking. Your MW probably always was attracted to you and took the opportunity to come into your life knowing how vulnerable you are at that time...you just lost your wife to infidelity...it was kinda "vulturish" of her. Sorry, you probably didn't want to hear that. We initially crossed the line with an understanding that it would never be anything other than a FWB situation. It grew way beyond that. Her and her husband's schedules have allowed her to start living a double life, and I fear that will make our situation stay where it is forever. Nothing ever stays the same....nothing...somebody is always going to want more, more than the other. I'm content with our setup for now, but I want her to eventually make a choice and decide what she wants. Im confused...are you content? or do you want more from her? You can't sit on the fence. She wants to meet my family and be in my children's lives... Ahmm...NO. You are right about keeping her from the children's lives, if she decides not to leave her marriage and make a "honest" man out of you, then she does not get to meet the family. but she still says she just can't leave her husband. I'm to the point though where I can see how unfair this is to him and I've urged her to simply tell him and let him move on. I think she is afraid that he is incapable of moving on or that he will simply go off the deep end or something, and she is probably scared to death herself... which I do understand. maybe you should tell him? That wouldnt be something I would advise you...but many here would....or you can just let her go,,since she cannot give you what YOU want. . I try my best to avoid those talks and I guess I am waiting for her to "see the light" on her own. She won't. There is nothing to lose yet keeping the status quo. She needs to realize she is going to lose something SOON, if not NOW. I know in my case, I just wanted to keep the status quo....no drama, no pressures. But when xOM/MM asked me to marry him and filed for divorce, the pressure was on...and I bailed out. It was not something I was ready for and he got his answer and now can move on with his life. Ironically, it also made me realize to face my own screwed up marriage. Divorce is inevitable. Like I said earlier, I am fairly content for now... but I fear she will eventually burnout if she keeps up the pace of living a double life. you really are not content...you have fears of losing her.. Have you ever thought that maybe the MW is the transitional gf many talk about? You should take time to heal from your broken marriage, you might feel different about the MW.
Author In_Repair Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 I have never read any of SD's stuff, but I've seen lots of discussion about it on the board. I guess I should check it out. The questions you guys have posed... those are the questions I have asked myself - which has put me where I am. Him and I earn around the same amount, and she makes more than both of us, so it's not a lifestyle thing. I get far more of her attention than he does... the emotional investment is here... the physical side is amazing... she leans on me... she lets me lean on her... we have almost constant contact, or at least the ability. Yes, it seems like so much more than a "normal" affair. But then again, don't they all? We have recently had a discussion about where this is going. For me, the conversation basically ended with me seeing tears in her eyes and hearing her say "We've been married for 17 years... I just don't know what to do". I don't either after seeing that. What is her motivation here? Why stay with him? Why stay with me? Why risk what she has with him, if she is unwilling to ever leave?
Author In_Repair Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Tami, I somehow missed your post before I made my last post. Thank you for the welcome and the response... more for me to think about.
norajane Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 You should focus more on what you are doing and why than on what she is doing and why. You can only guess at her viewpoint, but you ought to be able to understand yourself and your motivations. Understanding yourself will guide you better in YOUR life and in making YOUR decisions than understanding her ever could. Bottom line - do you want your future happiness to be decided by another couple and waiting around for whatever they may end up choosing for their marriage? Especially considering she doesn't want a divorce, and especially considering her husband has NO IDEA what is going on in his marriage. Or do you want to own your life and make your own choices about how your life is going to unfold? Your wife already made some of your life decisions for you. Now do you really want to let your wife's friend and her husband make the rest of your life decisions for you? Consider what it would mean to you to let go of what was a rebound and maybe a revenge affair for you. Really, what would it mean to you if you didn't have this pseudo-wife taking care of you right now. Can you handle life on your own, divorced and standing on your own two feet without another woman to prop you up?
Mr. Lucky Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I get far more of her attention than he does... the emotional investment is here... the physical side is amazing... Let me guess - her husband sleeps in a separate bedroom, right? Or is it on the living room sofa? This story is starting to sound familiar... Mr. Lucky
spiraling downward Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Geeze... what was I thinking.... I had to edit my sordid story because things aren't completely resolved yet in my situation... My cockiness could've backfired if the wrong people read that!!! Ok, here's my advice to In_Repair.... leave your MW. I mean, go find a new girlfriend. Then observe (from a distance) what your former MW does.... she may be so freaked out that she may blow up her own marriage just to have you. She may not. If she does... you can step in and have her. Somebody always gets hurt.... don't let it be you.
Aquarius Rising Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Firstly, can I say that I have empathy for you. Anyone who winds up being an OW/OM has set themselves on a torturous path (mostly) IMO. She is now having a full blown affair with me... yes, I'm that prick. I'm honestly ashamed of what I am doing to her husband, as I've felt that pain myself. IR, you are aware that this makes you feel BAD about yourself, 1st alarm starts ringing! ..... I just don't understand what she is thinking. IMO, at this stage of her life, and I'm just guessing she's late 30's early 40's...... she's NOT thinking, she is enjoying what it feels like to be DESIRED again ...... and at a time in her life when she is at her SEXUAL PEAK (fact) .......... 2nd alarm joins in! She spends the night with me sometimes when our schedules allow. We always talk throughout the day, and we meet in private several times a week. Sometimes it almost feels like she is my wife and we just work different schedules. Her closest family and friends know all about me. She professes her undying love to me and has even referred to me as the love of her life. She wants to meet my family and be in my children's lives... but she still says she just can't leave her husband. She says 'I can't leave my husband' ....... what this means is 'I WON'T leave my H, whether that due to fear or selfishness ..... she ain't committing to you, right? ......... 3rd Alarm! I'm to the point though where I can see how unfair this is to him and I've urged her to simply tell him and let him move on. I think she is afraid that he is incapable of moving on or that he will simply go off the deep end or something, and she is probably scared to death herself... which I do understand. She's waging her bets ........ why give up anything just yet, I've got it all for now? ........ 4th alarm? Having said that, she is not thinking rationally so it's hard to know whether it's fear or selfishness or BOTH. Maybe she's thinking, eventually it will just fizzle all by itself and I won't have to lose anything????? The whole thing is confusing the hell out of me, but I'm not going to pressure her. I try my best to avoid those talks and I guess I am waiting for her to "see the light" on her own. Like I said earlier, I am fairly content for now... but I fear she will eventually burnout if she keeps up the pace of living a double life. Without pressure, NOTHING will change ....... I don't hear you being CONTENT ...... I hear you being confused and guilt-ridden with moments of pleasure in between. There are some excellent books available on-line on the subject of women's infidelity ....... it is only ONE window through which to look through, but it may help. So just google it. In my case, I knew that in my heart I was not committed to my H and even though I am now (and very gladly) a fOW, I would have left if my MM was ready to commit. He wasn't and didn't and hasn't and the pain of that has been excrutiating........ but thanks to the LS Forum I HAVE survivied it and I will be stronger for it. Good Luck IR, it's a really bumpy ride you're in for ........ but use the forus for support ....... for the most part, the advice here is PRICELESS!!! Look after yourself AR
Aquarius Rising Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Note to self: spell-check before pressing SEND ... sorry for typos in previous post Further thoughts....... This is just my opinion... but I will voice it strongly ......DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, introduce her to your children. Children MUST be protected AT ANY COST ........ and you have NO WAY of knowing how or where this is going to end up. PLEASE trust me on this one. They are innocent bystanders ... do NOT involve them unnecessarily. From you post they have already been through a great deal. If your MW separates and then divorces .... only then, do I agree that it is safe to introduce children. The one thing I am SO grateful for is that I NEVER involved my children with my xMM. Thank-God for that!!!! In hindsight ...... of course. AR
Gamine Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Are you prepared (or are you preparing yourself) for the wrath of her husband when (notice I did not say if) he finds out? I hope you are good at self defense because you may very well be needing it. You have a courtesan in the form of another man's lawfully wedded wife. I understand you have your sexual, emotional and housekeeping needs met and... you are probably enjoying that. But you are exploiting a situation and you are most certainly not acting like a gentleman. At best, you can win the big prize of having obtained a woman who is quite comfortable living this way. Tell me... you get this gem... marry her... and voila! She's out doing the very same thing behind your back while you are at work. What a prize. If you want a bird's eye view into how someone will treat you as a spouse, look to how they are treating the one they presently have. I wouldn't want a man who would cheat with me on their spouse, because frankly I'd be getting a man who cheats. Not what I'd want. And you will be getting a woman who cheats and who has probably done this before... many times. So, rather than wondering about what makes her tick, I'd start wondering what the heck you are going to say to her husband when he corners you.
Author In_Repair Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 I appreciate the responses, and many thoughts and questions have been raised because of them, but I think my original intent here has been washed away. Sometimes I'm not the best at explaining myself... We started this as a FWB thing. Things were clear in the beginning. I thought I was filling her unmet needs and I assume she thought she was just a transition fling. We were good friends leading up to this and we talked at great length about it. I knew she did not want to leave her marriage, and I did not want to be a reason for her to leave. She never made any promises or tried to pass off the common lies that are used by serial cheaters. We had known each other for years, so trying to make up tall tales about our respective home lives would have been silly. Sure, I have fallen in love with her and I now know that I want my chance at a real future with her. On the other hand, I refuse to beg and try to convince her to make that decision. She knows what I want, so why pressure her? If I have to move on at some point, I can. Maybe I am being a little selfish myself right now, by letting it continue on like it is..? My huge confusion at this point revolves around her actions no longer matching her words. She acts like my wife these days, to some extent, complete with jealousy and everything. She knows she could have my friendship and probably just the sex if that was all she wanted, so there is no need to put herself through all of this. She works full time, and then cares for two men at two different households. There are only so many hours in one week, and recently most of hers are dedicated to me... so why does she continue on like this? She has options. Hell, she could live better by dumping us both. Gamine - I hate to type this, but yes I am. I completely understand the feelings he will be experiencing, and if he comes after me with empty hands I won't try to hurt him. I guess he could always shoot me though. To be honest, the only reason my ex wife's boyfriend is still walking around is the fact that I have children that need me. My MW's husband has no children to consider when he makes that choice.
norajane Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 so why does she continue on like this? We already told you - she likes having both of you, just as things are. If that's not enough of an answer for you, the only thing you can do is ask her to explain specifically.
Author In_Repair Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 norajane, I was listening to your answer when you first gave it, and that is why I responded and tried to explain the situation again. I know that the broad-brush answer to my question is that she is a cake eater and she just enjoys having us both... but(yes, but), what is so enjoyable about the way she is doing it? I could easily accept that answer if she was just sneaking over here for sex or an ego boost before she heads home to hubby, but that is not the case. I guess I will let it go until one of us has had enough. At the end of the day I am still just the OM and our relationship is still just an affair, no matter how it is carried out. Though it does seem strange to me, as she already "had us both" before this new behavior started.
MistyK Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 norajane, I was listening to your answer when you first gave it, and that is why I responded and tried to explain the situation again. I know that the broad-brush answer to my question is that she is a cake eater and she just enjoys having us both... but(yes, but), what is so enjoyable about the way she is doing it? I could easily accept that answer if she was just sneaking over here for sex or an ego boost before she heads home to hubby, but that is not the case. I guess I will let it go until one of us has had enough. At the end of the day I am still just the OM and our relationship is still just an affair, no matter how it is carried out. Though it does seem strange to me, as she already "had us both" before this new behavior started. Women tend to be wired differently than men. Women like being caretakers. It may be a reflection of how much she's come to care for you beyond FWB, or there's a possibility that it eases her guilt. Perhaps she justifies stringing you along to herself by feeling like you're getting a lot out of the arrangement. (It's not all that diff than what my xMM did. He helped me out a lot financially to balance guilt for stringing me along and later he'd throw it in my face to justify himself:"it's not like you didn't get anything from me out of this!".) And, by making herself indispensible to you, she ensures a secure place in your life. Despite your FWB arrangement, she is stringing you along, even if very subtly...pure FWB don't get jealous, that supposed to be why FWB is such a great thing, cause it doesn't have that element. So I think it's safe to assume that whatever it is you have now, it's not FWB.
norajane Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 norajane, I was listening to your answer when you first gave it, and that is why I responded and tried to explain the situation again. I know that the broad-brush answer to my question is that she is a cake eater and she just enjoys having us both... but(yes, but), what is so enjoyable about the way she is doing it? I could easily accept that answer if she was just sneaking over here for sex or an ego boost before she heads home to hubby, but that is not the case. I guess I will let it go until one of us has had enough. At the end of the day I am still just the OM and our relationship is still just an affair, no matter how it is carried out. Though it does seem strange to me, as she already "had us both" before this new behavior started. Again, we have no idea why this particular woman would do it. Only she can tell you why specifically. It could be any number of things. Women don't often have affairs just for the sex. Sometimes, yes, but more often, there's some emotional need the affair fulfills. So you can bet her behavior fulfills some needs she has. If she's playing house with you, it could be that she doesn't feel her own husband appreciates her housekeeping, but you do. Or she might feel sorry for you because your own wife left you. Or she might feel guilty for lying to her friend (your ex). Or she might hate how you do the housekeeping and she doesn't want to come over to a pigsty and an empty kitchen. Or she might be doing it to feel more comfortable in your home, especially if it's the same home you and your wife lived in and decorated. She might be doing it so that you start to believe she's indispensable. She might be pretending to play house with you because she's unhappy in her own and would rather live inside whatever little fantasy she's created in her head of what your relationship is about. She might be doing it to convince herself your affair is not just sex and is about something more. I could go on and on, but there's no point. Only SHE can tell you why.
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