colosseum Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I've only recently begun to formulate and ponder this question, and I'm not sure what the proper answer is. The SO I'm with has told me in the past that I have high expectations, sometimes really high. I'm starting to learn that having any expectations at all, much less high ones, can be a detriment to any relationship, romantic or no; one loves for the sake of love, not to be loved back. Love isn't some trading deal, and that's why it's so wonderful. Besides, having no expectations can give you healthy surprises and really minimize disappointment. (EX: Expectations about frequency/length of calls, about how often one meets with another, about how affectionate one is toward another, etc.) At the same time, I don't know how this is really different from having standards. Having a high standard means you have a demanding measure to be fulfilled, and if you have high standards for someone, you expect them to meet that demand. We have standards for our loved ones and our family; we expect certain behavioral, moral characteristics about them. Frankly, doesn't holding people to certain standards make them better?! I'm not trying to reform my SO or anything. We've just had little things come up about how much we want to see each other, call, communicate, spend time, whatever. We both like each other, but it's sometimes a guessing game. We're in LDR for 2 more months but she's started entertaining some...well, drugs; nothing too bad, but I'm not comfortable with it. But that's just one example. Anyways, I ask because I'm trying to learn to have fewer expectations and be easy-going, grounded, etc. etc. but I'm not sure I want to compromise my basic standards. Any words of wisdom from my fellow LSers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 In my opinion - and it is just that - Standards equate with principles, and they're absolutely solid and unshakeable - providing your principles are sound. It's a reference point, against which other things can be measured and evaluated. Expectations might change according to whom you're with... you wouldn't 'expect' a seven-year-old to make the same decisions, or be deserving of the same kind of chastisement - as a 14-year-old. An expectation is a shrewd guess of how you'd expect things to pan out, according to events happening. You have to decide what your standards - or principles are. In other words, what you will - and won't - stand for. Your expectations may be one thing, but being prepared to be disappointed is part and parcel of an expectation. As a Personal example, my standard/principle, is that my partner can take the odd occasional recrerational puff of weed. But if I see that it begins to infringe upon his daily life - it either stops, or I'm out of here. My expectation is that he will always choose me over his own desire to smoke weed. Does this help?
Quest Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 My opinion is that you need to have standards and stick to them, and that sometimes mean losing someone you love. If you don't have standards or have them and let them slip you could end up in all sorts of not very good situations - with someone who is violent, or who sleeps around while seeing you etc. I guess finding a match is to some extent about finding someone who has the same sorts of standards as you ... it's fine to drink a lot if your SO doesn't mind it and/or does it too. It's not so great if your SO finds that intolerable and basically would prefer you were teetotal ... it's never going to work. The problem is when you love someone and they start doing something that doesn't equate with your standards ... the pressure is on to blur the boundaries and then resentment can build up and/or you start trying to change them. In an ideal world we'd all know our SOs really well before getting too involved and so know their standards matched with ours. But of course it's never that simple:D ...
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