In Like Flynn Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I agree that she is in control of this situation and he he at least two steps behind her. She will soon be handing him divorce papers and ask him to leave the STD test big time after that one smelly discovery. The OM is part of that bike group she has been with for awhile.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Other than proof you see with your own eyes, right now you have enough to go on to know that she IS doing something very wrong. And, the way she is treating you.. Lying to you, distancing herself from you in everyway. That in itself is grounds for kicking her out of the house! I agree. At this point, why does it matter whether or not she's slept with him or someone else? Isn't the lying, neglect and emotional abandonment grounds enough? No DNA test necessary to know that she's played you for a fool. I'd give her one chance to sell the bike, go NC with the local biker chapter and start MC. Her answer to that request will tell you all you need to know... Mr. Lucky
In Like Flynn Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Edited version of my above post. I agree that she is in control of this situation and he at least two steps behind her. She will soon be handing him divorce papers and ask him to leave. The STD test is needed big time after that one smelly discovery. The OM is part of that bike group she has been with for awhile......you are being replaced as we speak!!!!!
jnj express Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 IMHO, i'm not so sure she hasn't slept around with more than one guy. You have let this whole situation get away from you, and everyone here is accurately telling you she is setting things up to exit the mge. Why did you let her go off with groups of guys time after time. You needed to interject yourself into her mcycle activities from the beginning, and you needed to stay in them with her. The red flags were there for you from the beginning, when she shut you out. You don't need any more proof in your mind, you know what has been going on. Immediate washing of clothes, staying with men in motel rooms, heavy drinking. Has she always been a heavy drinker? I do not know what state you are in, but as to the house, if you built it together, it gets split 50--50, along with anything the both of you have brought into the mge., including her business. Stop being so easy about this, this woman you call your wife, IS NOT THE SAME WOMAN YOU MARRIED. As has been suggested, you need to take a strong stand here, and if you still want the mge., you have to expose the A., so it stops, impose NC, and Transparency. That probably means giving up her business. I assume there are no children, as you have never mentioned children. Only you can walk in your shoes, YOU have to decide how to handle this decision, but whatever you do be firm, and take a strong stance. One last thing, I think you have plenty of circumstantial evidence to prove she is cheating should you confront her, but since it is circumstantial you would have to verbally pound away at her, and just keep after her till she gives herself up---I am not sure from how you have handled this situation so far, that you could do that, but it would get this thing in the open once and for all, which is where it needs to be. Your wife right now is married and living a single's life.
jmargel Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Honestly man, you are rolling over and piddling on yourself when it comes to her. You are tolerating her disrespect, her lying, her cheating. I know where you are at because I was there myself. I too tried playing Mr. Nice Guy, then being mean, but to her it was just words. Just like it is to your wife. Pull the safety net out from under her, make the decision and tell her you are done with this. You are done with her childish attitude, her selfishness, her cheating, her disrespect. You are no longer tolerating her lies. Become extremely distant, don't tell her you love her, start making plans for yourself. Until she stop this behavior, stops going out like this, admits and discusses in truth on what she has done and gets her ass into counseling then there is no marriage anymore. You need to use 'Tough Love', there are a number of books on this which REALLY work well. Tough Love is not being mean, it's projecting confidence without using fear. It's putting them into the situation where they MUST confront the thing they have done. This is what you want, right? Stop living this roller coaster, you need resolution here. You should have put a stop to all of this behavior a long time ago. Yes she took the rope you gave her and hanged herself with it, but it seemed like it got to the point that not only were you tolerating her disrespect but that you almost predicted it before it happened. Get yourself tested for STDs, tell her that you are doing this. Tell her that sex with you is no more. Not only does she cheat on you but risks your health. She is not a wife, she's become a user. Playing detective only gets you so far, you won't find out everything she is doing. It's time for you to start making decisions, stop waiting for her to make them. I hope you trust me on this, I was in a similar situation and the only thing that helped resolve the issue was to stand up for myself and demand that she leave. I pulled the safety net out. Life is too short, and there are way too many beautiful, fun loving, respectful women out there. Let her know this. Be firm without yelling, your whole attitude needs to change with this.
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Why can't I edit this??? Once someone posts a reply after you, you can't edit your post anymore.
heartrippedopen Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Hurtinguy From one new member to another I'm sorry you're having to go through this and i understand how you're feeling. Going through something similiar myself at the moment with my boyfriend. Here's a few thoughts. If you feel you need proof, get it but remember what you hear or read will hurt you more than your imagination of whats happening. That just sends you close to the edge, seeing the proof sometimes sends you over. Personally I'd rather know. I've managed to keep hold of my sanity . . . . . for the moment Take one day at a time emotionally but i do feel like you need to try to sort out things financially and legally, and very soon. I don't think you've got much longer to get the proof and consult a lawyer. Got a gut feeling on this. Also you haven't said if you're friends and family have noticed anything. If they haven't, start telling them your suspicions. You will not only have advice but there's a good chance you will have people, especially family watching your back. Its also good to talk with people who know you best. I'll keep watching this thread and will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you (even if i do end up walking like a penguin:))
Author hurtinguy Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Hello again, It's been a while since I have posted so I'll give an update. I recieved the results back from the samples I sent out. I was right, it wasn't mine. To those of you who posted about not needing hard evidense, some people may not need it, but I did. Even though I knew deep down what was going on, I had to erase .01% of doubt in my mind. I didn't call her out on it right away. I was waiting a few days to calm down and regain some composure. This past Friday, she planned to take the afternoon of to go "shopping" out of town.:laugh: Ya right!!! I graciously told her that I would love to take the afternoon off and go spend the afternoon with her since we hadn't been getting along so well. She said "No, that's OK, you don't need to do that, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go. I'm just going to go ditz (f***) around." I almost laughed out loud when she told me this. When she came home from "shopping" she came home empty handed, except for a bottle of Crown Royal that she bought me. I said "Oh thanks honey!!!" When I was really thinking, "Boy am I going to need that!!!....lol" The next moring came around, the 4th, and we had plans to go ride the horses in a parade. I got her up like normal, layed in bed beside her and gave her a back rub and massage like I have done every morning and every night since we have been together. She was very quiet and distant. We got in the shower together, also like we have done ever since we have been together. The bags she had under her eyes were like none I had ever seen. I could tell the guilt was getting to her. She looked at me and asked if I wanted to have that talk that she had been avoiding. I said yes and proceeded to tell her that I am sick of her lies and and all the b*** s***!!! I know what has been going on, just how stupid do you think I am? Plus a whole lot more bla....bla...bla... She couldn't look at me and burried her head into me and held on and wouldn't let go. I kept jabbering the whole time. I had lots to say. After we got out of the shower. We went upstairs, got dressed and I talked lots more. She said very little. She just layed there and cried and held on to me. I never did have to mention the fact of the evidense I had. I figured why tell her, the less she knows about my investigations the better. I guess the thing that hurts the most is with whome she was cheating with. An over aged red neck that has a history of cheating and lying. My rage has been growing toward this OM for some time now. I know I couldn't confront him because if I did it wouldn't be pretty. He wouldn't go to the cops for me beating him, but I just don't need the extra termoil. (but boy would it feel good) It takes two, and MW is who I am consentrating on. I want to try and save our marriage. She says she doesn't know what she wants. She is going to have to make up her mind pretty soon. I can't bring it up at all, the A that is, or talk about him. She gets wild and angry and there goes every LB deposit I might have put in. I'm trying very hard to bite my tongue. I have so much hurt and anguish built up it feels like I'm going to explode some times. I know how many of feel you about this from your posts. I feel like Owl said in one of his posts on another thread. Something to the fact of never being able to really trust anyone unconditionally ever again. No matter who it is, or how good you think things are. I want to try and salvage my marriage. Why start over with someone else that you will never fully trust any way. Thanks for reading, and looking forward to your replys. owl, if you're reading this, how did your wife react when you dropped the hammer on her? How long did it take her to come around and want to try and salvage your marriage? Thanks again everyone
seibert253 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Hello again, It's been a while since I have posted so I'll give an update. I recieved the results back from the samples I sent out. I was right, it wasn't mine. To those of you who posted about not needing hard evidense, some people may not need it, but I did. Even though I knew deep down what was going on, I had to erase .01% of doubt in my mind. I didn't call her out on it right away. I was waiting a few days to calm down and regain some composure. This past Friday, she planned to take the afternoon of to go "shopping" out of town.:laugh: Ya right!!! I graciously told her that I would love to take the afternoon off and go spend the afternoon with her since we hadn't been getting along so well. She said "No, that's OK, you don't need to do that, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go. I'm just going to go ditz (f***) around." I almost laughed out loud when she told me this. When she came home from "shopping" she came home empty handed, except for a bottle of Crown Royal that she bought me. I said "Oh thanks honey!!!" When I was really thinking, "Boy am I going to need that!!!....lol" The next moring came around, the 4th, and we had plans to go ride the horses in a parade. I got her up like normal, layed in bed beside her and gave her a back rub and massage like I have done every morning and every night since we have been together. She was very quiet and distant. We got in the shower together, also like we have done ever since we have been together. The bags she had under her eyes were like none I had ever seen. I could tell the guilt was getting to her. She looked at me and asked if I wanted to have that talk that she had been avoiding. I said yes and proceeded to tell her that I am sick of her lies and and all the b*** s***!!! I know what has been going on, just how stupid do you think I am? Plus a whole lot more bla....bla...bla... She couldn't look at me and burried her head into me and held on and wouldn't let go. I kept jabbering the whole time. I had lots to say. After we got out of the shower. We went upstairs, got dressed and I talked lots more. She said very little. She just layed there and cried and held on to me. I never did have to mention the fact of the evidense I had. I figured why tell her, the less she knows about my investigations the better. I guess the thing that hurts the most is with whome she was cheating with. An over aged red neck that has a history of cheating and lying. My rage has been growing toward this OM for some time now. I know I couldn't confront him because if I did it wouldn't be pretty. He wouldn't go to the cops for me beating him, but I just don't need the extra termoil. (but boy would it feel good) It takes two, and MW is who I am consentrating on. I want to try and save our marriage. She says she doesn't know what she wants. She is going to have to make up her mind pretty soon. I can't bring it up at all, the A that is, or talk about him. She gets wild and angry and there goes every LB deposit I might have put in. I'm trying very hard to bite my tongue. I have so much hurt and anguish built up it feels like I'm going to explode some times. I know how many of feel you about this from your posts. I feel like Owl said in one of his posts on another thread. Something to the fact of never being able to really trust anyone unconditionally ever again. No matter who it is, or how good you think things are. I want to try and salvage my marriage. Why start over with someone else that you will never fully trust any way. Thanks for reading, and looking forward to your replys. owl, if you're reading this, how did your wife react when you dropped the hammer on her? How long did it take her to come around and want to try and salvage your marriage? Thanks again everyone I wouldn't wait too long for her to make her decision. After I dropped the hammer I gave mine one week to decide. 6 days out, 1 left, she was still in the fog. Left D. papers on the table, I knew she'd seen them. Once this reality set in, she folded instantly. Fog gone.
lostsunsets Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Siebert is right on the money. First off, separate all bank accounts. You may want to save your marriage, but there has to be some consequence to her actions. As far as her blowing up and getting angry. All this does is allow her to escape any communication regarding her affair. This serves no purpose. Has she gone NC with him? If she hasn't you should file for divorce. You do not have to sign the papers. But she must understand that she risks losing everything. If you simply wait, you risk her getting closer to him and further from you. Your wife has lost all respect for you. She cannot love you if she doesn't respect you. This is a fact. Oh and you should absolutely tell her how you found out. Tell her that you had her underwear tested and they found his leavings in them. I am amazed how many spouses are afraid of losing their cheaters more then they are afraid of losing their self respect. I hope you take this advice into consideration. Stay strong.
OFGnomore Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Siebert is right on the money. First off, separate all bank accounts. You may want to save your marriage, but there has to be some consequence to her actions. As far as her blowing up and getting angry. All this does is allow her to escape any communication regarding her affair. This serves no purpose. Has she gone NC with him? If she hasn't you should file for divorce. You do not have to sign the papers. But she must understand that she risks losing everything. If you simply wait, you risk her getting closer to him and further from you. Your wife has lost all respect for you. She cannot love you if she doesn't respect you. This is a fact. Oh and you should absolutely tell her how you found out. Tell her that you had her underwear tested and they found his leavings in them. I am amazed how many spouses are afraid of losing their cheaters more then they are afraid of losing their self respect. I hope you take this advice into consideration. Stay strong. Yes as a FMOW (a new acronym?) there must be consequences. I experienced the most incredible rage from my H when I confessed, and that was a confession not a bust. He cut me off financially, asked me to leave the house, exposed me and xMM to the community. I thought my M was over. I didn't need this as a wake up call as some BS do, but it sure as hell underscored that I didn't want to lose my marriage. And I think MC is a must too.
lkjh Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Did she admit to cheating? Do you really want to stay with her? Think about your choice, you are being a real nice guy but that rarely works
lostsunsets Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Yes as a FMOW (a new acronym?) there must be consequences. I experienced the most incredible rage from my H when I confessed, and that was a confession not a bust. He cut me off financially, asked me to leave the house, exposed me and xMM to the community. I thought my M was over. I didn't need this as a wake up call as some BS do, but it sure as hell underscored that I didn't want to lose my marriage. And I think MC is a must too. Exactly. He has a very small window to institute "shock and awe". Once she desensitizes to his hurt and anger. It will be very hard to change her behavior. NOW IS THE TIME. Oh well.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Exactly. He has a very small window to institute "shock and awe". Once she desensitizes to his hurt and anger. It will be very hard to change her behavior. NOW IS THE TIME. Oh well. He'll never change her behavior as long as he's enabling it: I can't bring it up at all, the A that is, or talk about him. She gets wild and angry and there goes every LB deposit I might have put in. When he begins to be more concerned about his future than he is about her feelings, that will be a start... Mr. Lucky
Darth Vader Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Exactly. He has a very small window to institute "shock and awe". Once she desensitizes to his hurt and anger. It will be very hard to change her behavior. NOW IS THE TIME. Oh well. I agree, don't give her space! Keep bringing up her Affair and OM! Keep shoving it right out there into the open, make her PISSED OFF, after all, she did this to you, and you do have extreme rage that you have to release somehow, you can't hold it in! Go Nuclear on her ASS! Expose her affair to everyone! She gets angry about you bringing up OM or her affair!? Bring it up some more with Rage! It's obvious from her that she's protecting her OM rather than helping you, because she doesn't even want you to talk about it! Frankly, I say drop the Bitch! You can do way better, on a bad day. Besides, you're never gonna get rid of all those thoughts of her and OM screwing!
mark982 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 she can't make up her mind! well make it up for her. pack a bag,sit it on the porch and say--see ya. personally i'd be paying this guy a visit,me being a biker for the last 30 years,the number 1 rule is you don't piss w/ someones ol lady.
Owl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I'd tell you that you have the initiative. KEEP IT. Don't let her spend some kind of silly amount of time 'deciding'. Frankly, she's not capable of making that choice, or she would have done so already. Tell her that you're NOT a backup plan. She chooses by this Friday. Either out the door, or working on the marriage. And spell out exactly what that means...marriage counseling, NC with OM for life, full "open book" accountability, etc... Don't give her time to think about it, time to prepare ways to cake eat. Take ACTION.
Gamine Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 You need to ask her to leave, throw her out, do whatever you need to... remove her from your home. Do not speak with her no matter what. Go total no contact with her. Disregard her entirely. Do this for a couple of weeks. Don't play into her need to get the pitiful reaction from you. If you want to turn her around get into her psyche now. Push her buttons. Make her wonder. Make her obsess about you through your 180. Don't answer any of her questions. Don't talk about the relationship. Refuse to interact with her at all. But be sure it is her who leaves the house. Pack up her stuff and bring it to the shop... change the locks. Kick her out. She will think, wonder, obsess on what you are up to... what you must be thinking. Redirect her thoughts away from the 'forbidden fruit' and back to you ... if that is what you want... you can have it. She'll be pounding down your door before you know it.
Reggie Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 She has left you no choice. She will not stop and will not talk about her affair. She has not real remorse. What else can you do but kick her out and start taking care of you. No pleading, begging, reasoning-just out the door. It's your best bet at saving the marriage.
seibert253 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I'd tell you that you have the initiative. KEEP IT. Don't let her spend some kind of silly amount of time 'deciding'. Frankly, she's not capable of making that choice, or she would have done so already. Tell her that you're NOT a backup plan. She chooses by this Friday. Either out the door, or working on the marriage. And spell out exactly what that means...marriage counseling, NC with OM for life, full "open book" accountability, etc... Don't give her time to think about it, time to prepare ways to cake eat. Take ACTION. The Owl is indeed wise. Did this myself and it worked.
Owl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Same here. I tolerated her waffling about the future for about 2 weeks...which in retrospect was about a week longer than I should have. And it worked out for me as well.
Reggie Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I screwed up and let my XWW take as much time as she wanted.During that time, she and the OM made arrangements to find a place and she moved out when it was ready. In retrospect, it worked out, as she was a classic NPD and it got me away from her. But, I wasted about 4 months and suffered a lot af abuse while she was sitting on the fence.
Darth Vader Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Another thing I got to thinking about is, She has Absolutely NO right/s to make any demands from you or on you, such as keeping quite about her riding her OM, or about you talking, asking questions about the affair, OM, etc, etc, etc. BTW, I remember that you both had said that if one of you cheated, there would be no reconciliation. I want you to think about that one for a minute............... If you would have screwed another woman, what would she be doing right about now? Divorcing your sorry ass! Basically, you need to just Divorce her, without any possible reconciliation, and show her that your words mean something, that they're not just meaningless words. In other words, actions are louder than words! You see, by her trying to demand this not talking about affair and OM, she's not suffering for her actions, actually, she's making you suffer even more for her actions, once for her affair, twice for telling you to not talk to her about it, and you're holding it all in, now doesn't that really PISS you off to no end! DO SOMETHING! Drop kick her ass out! We're really here to help you, even me, and you've seen my kind of record!
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