Need To Get It Out.......It's a Long Story

[hurtinguy]

First I would like to start by saying thanks for all of the posts I have read on this forum. It is some of these posts that have lead me to make a post of my own. I have no one to tell my story that wouldn't be involved in some way or another here at home.

 

I must also warn any one reading this, that there may be slightly graphic wording in one part of this post. I am sorry if I offend any one with this post.

 

Here is a little back ground. My W and I have been married for 9 years. We have been together for 11 years. We have always done everything together as best friends for many of those years. We enjoyed each others company no matter what we were doing. I didn't think anything could ever go wrong. Things were just so darn good. Ya, we had our moments just like everyone else, but they were never a big deal, and things always blew over quickly.

It hasn't been good at home for about 6 months or so. Steadily going down hill. There has been good times, but far and few between. She has been slowly shutting me out of her life. Wanting to do less and less with me, and more by herself (Well, maybe not by herself, just not with me)

Earlier this summer, she was hell bent for leather to get a new motorcycle. I had no problem with that. I encouraged it, I wanted her to have and do something she liked and wanted. We started going places together to look for what she wanted. That didn't last long though. A "Friend" that worked next door in the same building has had many motorcycles in the past, and was very knowledgeable on them. I was not. So she started to go looking with him. Totally ignoring the fact that I still wanted to participate in the venture. I offered and even asked to go when they went somewhere to look, but I was pretty much thrown aside from having anything to with it.

At first when looking, she was encouraging me to think about riding and giving it a chance. "When I get my bike, we'll go to a parking lot and I'll let you ride it so you can get a feel for it and see if it might be something we could do together" I was kind of excited about the idea, something different sounded like fun. That tune changed in a hurry though. When she found the bike she wanted, I couldn't even go and pick it up with her. "he" had to. She didn't want to trouble me with it. Ya right!!

Well she got her new bike and she was happy. I was happy for her (Mostly) But was looking forward to trying riding. She has had bikes in the past, and was always regretting getting rid of her last one. I have ridden off road bikes in the past, but never on road.

Shortly after getting her new bike, "he" had to get another one too. She was sooo happy she would have someone to ride with now.....(Ya great...Yippee Skippy!!!) I actually never got a chance to ride hers, because she started telling me that I shouldn't try riding or getting one myself because I didn't like it and it wasn't my thing.

This guy had been spending a lot of time at her shop late winter, spring and early summer. He worked right next door, so it was very convenient for him to go and borrow something, or ask for help. It was also convenient for her to go next door and ask him for help also. She formed an immediate liking to this guy, "He's so cool, He's so funny, I have such fun time laughing with and joking around with him" I could see her growing more fond of him all the time. It also got to the point that when he and I were in her shop together, that it made her uncomfortable, she wouldn't look at either of us and her face would turn beat red. I could always tell when he was there, because when I would call, she would pick up the phone all happy and giddy and laughing, until she heard it was me on the phone and then her tone would change and ask me very sternly "What do you want?"

Ever since she started her own business, I was there for her no matter what. I wanted to see her do well, and be happy doing her own thing. I was there every night after work. Weather she needed help, or just to go there to see her and follow each other home. I worked weekends for her, never asking for anything in return. I love her to death and only wanted the best for her and for her to be happy.

Shortly after the bike buying episode, she started to tell me not to bother coming over after work. "Don't bother coming over after work, there is nothing you can really do, just go home, I have some things to get caught up on, I'll be home later when I get done"

This really started to eat at me, so I confronted her on it. She said I was crazy, her and he were just friends there was nothing going on.

Then came the riding. When ever it was nice she would tell me she was going for a ride after work. Some times alone, most of the times with him. Some times she would say alone, then slip and say "we" when she got home after asking her where she went for a ride. "Oh I was about to leave and he showed up, so we both went for a ride" (How convenient)

One ride was on a rainy memorial day, they were meeting a bunch of people and going for a group ride with hundreds of other bikes. I knew of the ride, so I didn't care. She got home late that afternoon, which it was nice out now and had been for hours. I asked her how her ride was. She said she got soaked, and it was a long cold day. Little did she know, was that I stopped by her shop earlier that day to get something. Her bike was there, but her car wasn't. I know she left on it in the morning because I was there when she did. I asked her what time they got back from riding. She said about an hour ago, they were just hanging out having a couple of beers before she came home. I then told her I stopped by the shop about 3 hours before that, and I saw her bike was there, and her car was gone. She stammered for a second, and told me "Well, we were real wet so left the group ride early and came back to the shop. He wanted me to look over a van for him, so we went and did that." She couldn't remember the name of the town, but it must have been a ways away, I filled the car with gas that morning, and I always reset the trip meter. I looked at the trip meter the next morning, and there was 145 miles on the thing............Wait, it gets better!!

The next Trip she took with the "boys" was to New York for a bike rally in Lake George. She didn't feel like driving that day, so she rode with "him". They left that morning around 7 AM. I gave her my cell phone so she could call and let me know what was going on, and when she might be home. She called at 2:30 to tell me that they were there, sounding quite put out that she had to call me. I didn't hear from her again until 11:30 that night when she got back to her shop to get her car to come home. She told me it would take a while because she had been drinking and was going to go the long way around. I can't even begin to tell you how pissed off I was. I told her I would come get her so she didn't have to drive. She said no, I'll be home in a while. She finally got home about a 1/2 hr later. I greeted her with a big hug and a kiss even though I was pissed, I was just glad she was home and safe. I politely told her I wished she had called earlier to Let me know what was going. She lashed out at me and tole me that SHE was less than happy to have to call me and let me know where she was. She also said that she didn't know what she wanted anymore. She told me she felt "trapped" and wanted to be able to go and do what ever she wanted without having to check in with anyone. I reminded her that we were married, and unfortunately for her, she had a husband at home waiting and worrying about where she was and what she was doing and also asked how she would feel if she were in my shoes. She didn't say anything else and went to bed.

Things were real quiet for a few days around the house, but nothing more was said about what she wanted or didn't want. So a couple more weeks go by with no major falling outs until...............She went to another bike rally in NH. Again she left early in the morning, going to meet a bunch of guys that were going. In the end, it was only 2 guys she met to go over with I found out later when she called. She called around 1:00 to let me know she was there and had made it OK. I thanked her for calling, told her I loved her, and to have a good time. I heard from her again at around 9:30. She told me that she had several beers that afternoon, went to dinner and had a few Margis and didn't want to drive home, so they went to a motel close by and got a room. She asked me if I was OK with that. What the hell was I supposed to say. You already got a room, you're 3/4 in the bag.......I wanted to say, No I'm not, get on your bike and get your ass home!!! She told me not to worry, she had a room to herself. I asked, but she couldn't tell me what room or even what motel she was in. I also found out later when I asking her about her little trip, that they went and got a motel room before they even went to dinner.

I haven't felt the same since. That was last weekend, She called me the next morning about 8:30, she sounded like crap. She told me she had 4 more Margis at the motel that night. But what she couldn't, or wouldn't tell me is what time she made it back to her room. When I asked, she sort of gave a grunt, and said she would call me later after breakfast to tell me what time she would be home. She never called until she got back to town about 6 hours later.

After she came home, I greeted her outside, glad to see her home safe. I got a quick hug and she said she had to pee bad. It's about 15 min from her shop to our house. So she ran into the bathroom with her over night bag, (Yes she brought one "Just in Case" she ended up staying over) Spent several minutes "peeing" before I heard her start the washing machine.I had done all the laundry already, so she was washing just the clothes she had on the previous day. (I wonder what she was washing she didn't want me to see).

I would tell you about some the things she was doing while taking her nap right after that, but it's hard to describe the graphics of it all.

It was pretty quite on both our parts for a couple of days. I was absolutely sick to my stomach, I mean physically ill. My body was doing things it hasn't done since I was a teenager while experimenting with "things"

 

The next section may be graphic to some

 

It was Tuesday night, I laying in bed wide awake and so was she. She asked me if anything was wrong, I told her I just had a lot on my mind and couldn't sleep. My dad hasn't been doing very well, so that was also on my mind, I told her that it was work and my dad. A couple of minutes later, she went down stairs. I heard the toilet flush, then I heard the water running. She had just gone to the bathroom 20 minutes ago, before we went upstairs. She came back up and got in bed and started to fool around. Her hands were cold from the water, and so was something else. When I tried to touch her, she pulled my hand away and made herself untouchable there. She just cleaned herself up.(Very much out of character, never has she done this before in 11 years) She quickly pulled me onto her. She did everything in her power to make it quick. I will spare the details, but when you have been with someone for 11 years with a pretty active sex life, (Except for this summer) there are certain aromas that are quite obvious, and I detected that aroma when I withdrew. I almost puked when that happened.

I laid there the rest of the night in disbelief, not only to what I was sure what had happened that weekend, but also to the fact that she had sex with me after.

 

Graphic ended

 

That next morning, after she left for work, I had some time to do some snooping. I gathered a couple of incriminating items, one from the laundry, and one from the trash. Call me sick, I don't care, I had to in order to prove her guilt, or her innocence. The items I gathered have been sent out for testing. I should know the results shortly.

We went out to dinner this past Friday to a nice restaurant in town. We were dressed nice, and the atmosphere wasn't too bad. She had one great big drink shortly after she got home from work. Then 3 more when we were there. This was all in about an hour and a half. She was toasted. She was sitting there and I looked at her and she started to cry. I asked her what was wrong. She blurted out "The only reason I don't want you at the shop any more is because I want to know I can run my business without you just in case something happens" Huh? She started blubbering on from there, and all I wanted to do was get the heck out of there before we were made too much of a spectacle.

The next morning in bed after she woke up. She was very quiet and could tell she was deep in thought. I figured this would be the perfect time to talk to her and find out what was wrong(Going on) So I asked, she said she couldn't talk about it. I told her I love her and that we should get things out in the open if we ever want to make this work. I asked what her issues were, and what I might need to do to make things better between us. She told me there were things that we wouldn't be able to work through. She got up and went into the shower, no more said.

So that's my story in a nut shell. (A long nutshell) Sorry for going on so long. I just wanted to be as accurate as possible with the details.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Owl]

OK, clearly she is cheating on you.

 

I'd heartily suggest you pick up a book..."Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

 

You need to start plan A.

 

It's simple, but not easy.

 

You need to get your 'proof'. And with that, you need to put pressure on her to end the affair. You do this by exposing the affair to all those that could/would put pressure on her to end it...friends/family/etc...

 

At the same time, you need to identify what her "emotional needs" are (read that book, it explains them well, and how to identify them)...and work to meet them. Start making improvements in yourself, and your marriage to make her WANT to come back...and at the same time, make the affair an uncomfortable place to be.

 

I'm sorry to hear about where you're at...but these would be your best first steps. Don't wait on the proof to start making the positive changes...but don't be afraid to "drop the bomb" when you have your proof too.

 

Get her phone records. Look at her credit card receipts. Affairs don't happen in a vacuum.

[hurtinguy]

Thanks owl, I was hoping to hear from you. I have read most of your posts, and take what you have to say to heart.

 

There are no records I can check with her. She has plenty of cash, and pays for everything she does with it. Her phone records are on her business account, which I can't access. She works alone all day, and any call she makes, she makes it from her business phone. I checked her cell, and the only numbers on there were to home, and to her mother. At least, those were the ones she hadn't deleted.

I have toyed with getting a digital recorder to put in her phone line, but I havn't yet.

I have heard you speak of this book before, and sounds like it is something I should read.

Thanks again Owl, looking forward to hearing more from you

[Dexter Morgan]

wow...just wow. I don't know what to say.

 

What do you want to do? Do you want to try to keep this marriage with a cheater?

 

Or do you want to get out?

 

She already said there are things that you and her couldn't get past, I am assuming she means the cheating.

 

one thing is for sure, if you divorce her, you are entitled to half of her business.

[2sure]

I struggle sometimes with the need of so many BS for tangible proof. Sure, you want something - like proof of calls and texts - but thats enough. You need enough only to convince yourself of what you already know. Having MORE proof to present to the WS never seems to make them admit to or tell the truth. Its an exercise in frustration. When you KNOW (and you DO), thats enough.

 

To be honest , the length of time you have been not just questioning - but lying to yourself is unusual. There is a dynamic here you haven't shared. I understand telling yourself "they are friends, they share work, etc." but this is all way beyond appropriate or questionable and has been for a long time.

 

It seems as though, and I want to be gentle: You laid down for it.

Why?

[Reggie]

There is no question she is cheating, if that is even an isue for you in terms of doubt.

Keep gathering evidence. Realize plan A does not mean going doormat. There are, apparently, two facets to it and neither are easy. It is tough to make a distinction between making the marriage a desirable option and going doormat(which is a relationship killer). Also, it must be very tough to motivate to maek improvements for someone that is treating you with such contempt. And, it must feel like making improvements in yourself is in response to some form of extortion or threat. The self improvement thing also seems like a concession that , in some way, you caused the cheating due to some deficiency or neglect. I guess I'd read the book and try to reconcile these concepts, as , clearly, you are a decent guy and this cheating thing has nothing to do with you.

The second part of Plan A , I understand. It is devoted to ending the affair and , apparently, the most effective tool is to expose it. Best not to jump the gun until you have some pretty solid evidence. Folks not versed in this infidelity crap, will not understand that the behaviors you described re your wife are classic, incontrivertible signs of cheating. They may not accept that you have this right(again, no doubt at all that you do) and, with the gaslighting (telling you youare paranoid, jealous, insecure, etc) you will get from your wife, you will be very susceptible to imagining you are going crazy if others express doubt at your story.

So, start looking at investigative techniques, like the voice recorder you mentioned, to complie evidence(good job on the semen testing). A PI, though expensive, can really expedite the busting. I was fortunate in that I had a friend in this line of work who helped me gratis.

While gathering evidence, pre-exposure, it is best to appear completely unsuspicious to your wife. I realize you've expressed concerns to her already(very natural), but attempt to appear satisfied with her stories now, completely oblivious to what you know is going on. The worst thing to do while in sleuth mode is to tip off your wife that you are suspicious,as she will start covering her tracks better. Believe me, you will get irrefutable proof if you can be patient(and I know this is tortuous).

 

I would imagine you are suffering like a dog, now, having difficulty sleeping , eating and functioning at work. This is very normal and terribly painful. You may consider seeing your doctor if you are having anxiety or panic attacks. I lived on Xanax during this phase and it helped me a lot to clear my head and continue investigating and functioning in general

[LucreziaBorgia]

She told me there were things that we wouldn't be able to work through.

 

As long as OM is in the picture, this is the absolute truth. Your marriage cannot be saved as long as she has any whiff of contact with him whatsoever.

 

You don't need any more evidence at this point. Simply let it be known that you know and that there is no further need for discussion.

 

She is going to have to be forcibly shocked in order to get her head out of her ass. Go see a lawyer, present everything you have, have him draw up divorce papers, and make it as harsh as absolutely possible. Then, wait til she goes out on a 'ride'. Pack all of her stuff and put it into storage. When she gets home, hand her the papers, ask her to sign and hand over her keys. Let her know that she is square out on her ass and on her own now. Tell her that she is OM's problem now, and that as long as OM is in her life you will never speak to her again.

 

That will force her off the fence, and will show you exactly where she stands. If she calls your bluff and walks out, then all you will have lost is some OM's girlfriend - because your wife is surely dead at that point. If she balks, then you know you have a chance. Then you can take it from there.

[Reggie]

I struggle sometimes with the need of so many BS for tangible proof. Sure, you want something - like proof of calls and texts - but thats enough. You need enough only to convince yourself of what you already know. Having MORE proof to present to the WS never seems to make them admit to or tell the truth. Its an exercise in frustration. When you KNOW (and you DO), thats enough.

 

To be honest , the length of time you have been not just questioning - but lying to yourself is unusual. There is a dynamic here you haven't shared. I understand telling yourself "they are friends, they share work, etc." but this is all way beyond appropriate or questionable and has been for a long time.

 

It seems as though, and I want to be gentle: You laid down for it.

 

2Sure is right, but rest assured this is a very common dynamic, the laying down for it. From what I have read , and based on my own expierience, there are many things at work that cause this.

First, there is the "lie bias", where normally obvious lies are accepted due to the trust one has for a loved one(in retrospect, we often shake our heads in disbelief at the crap we swallowed).

Second, this is extremely traumatic and avoidance plays a big role.

Third, a WS is often abusing the spouse with gaslighting, criticism and overall meaness. This causes one to be so confused and hurt, one is not thinking straight.

In my own case, my already abusive wife ramped the abuse up so much, that , I must admit, a part of me hoped she was cheating, so I would have a get out of jail free card. That does not seem to be the case here, though, as his wife, pre-cheating, did not seem abusive.

Why?

 

------------------------------

[hurtinguy]

At this point, I'm not really sure what I want. This is much harder than I ever thought it would be. When you have been with a person this long, and have given them your heart and sould every minute of every day. Have never done anything without thinking of them and how they would feel by what I do or what I say..................it is so frustrating!!!!!!!

 

We have both spoken in the past about how we feel about cheaters and being cheated on. We both agreed on boot em' and shhot em". I guess it's different now that it is happening to me. I'm torn in so many different directions I just can't take it!!

 

Trust me, I have already thought about what would happen if we divorced. It would depend on if she actually told me the truth or not about what has been going on. When I get my proof, I am going to sit her down and give her one last chance to come clean with everything. I just want her to tell me.

 

She has also been preparing financially for being alone in the house. She has been paying for everything herself. Yesterday, she insisted she take the house payment to the bank herself. I have done that on my lunch hour since we bought our house. She was telling me not more than 10 min before that, she had so much work lined up for that day, she didn't know how she was going to get it all done. I expect she went there to speak with someone about refinancing and what it would take to get my name off of it.

[Reggie]

Look, if she is starting this exit strategy, you need to get your ass to an attorney, pronto.

She cannot rfinace without your consent and you are entitled to half the equity in the house, or at least any appreciation if she owned it pre marriage. If you bought it together, you get half and can insist the propery be sold and the equity split.

Isn't it amazing how coldhearted and calculating a WS becomes, in additon to seeing the depths of their dishonesty. Thye lose any compassion and empathy. It is amazing to see what monsters they act like while in the throes of their chemically induced, orgasm driven high. You would thing they would be embarrassed(and many are mortified at their behaviors, once the high subsides). It is very similar to a decent person's behaviors while on drugs or alcohol. Absolutely unreal what asses they become.

For me, one of the main reasons I did not want to reconcile after witnessing and being a victim to this behavior, was that I simpley could not imagine myself remaining in a relationship with such an unevolved person. The sheer stupidity, along with the cruelty I witnessed just made me question the quality of my XWW's intellect and character so mcuh that I realized I was with the wrong person.

[hurtinguy]

I struggle sometimes with the need of so many BS for tangible proof. Sure, you want something - like proof of calls and texts - but thats enough. You need enough only to convince yourself of what you already know. Having MORE proof to present to the WS never seems to make them admit to or tell the truth. Its an exercise in frustration. When you KNOW (and you DO), thats enough.

 

To be honest , the length of time you have been not just questioning - but lying to yourself is unusual. There is a dynamic here you haven't shared. I understand telling yourself "they are friends, they share work, etc." but this is all way beyond appropriate or questionable and has been for a long time.

 

It seems as though, and I want to be gentle: You laid down for it.

Why?

 

Hi 2sure,

Thanks for your reply. To answer your first question about the "Proof" I just need to know for sure myself without any doubt what so ever. I was married before for a year and a half and was cheated on. The marriage was never right from the get go, so it didn't really matter to me, it hurt, but it is nothing compared to what I feel now.

You're right about point # 2 I have been letting this go for way too long. I have suspected, but I just didn't think there was any way in h*** she could ever do this to me. I was just putting on my blinders, even though I knew deep down that something was going on. I just didn't want to believe it I guess.

Yes it does seem as though I laid down for it. If I was wrong, and nothing was really happening, I didn't want to throw away the best thing that had ever happened to me. I know I sound like a sap, but that's just the way I feel.

[Owl]

I struggle sometimes with the need of so many BS for tangible proof. Sure, you want something - like proof of calls and texts - but thats enough. You need enough only to convince yourself of what you already know. Having MORE proof to present to the WS never seems to make them admit to or tell the truth. Its an exercise in frustration. When you KNOW (and you DO), thats enough.

 

Respectfully, I disagree.

 

The proof really isn't for HIM.

 

It's to end her ability to lie about it.

 

It was the same way for me. I KNEW that something was going on, almost certainly.

 

But there wasn't anything I could DO about it until it was unarguable, undeniable by her.

 

He can argue with her all day long right now, and all she'll do is blame him. But once he can smack her in the head with it, so that he can force the issue out in the open, instead of being gaslighted by her every time he brings it up now.

[Reggie]

Owl is right. I think many of us knew, on some level. But, having the proof alleviates any lingering doubts, helps to break up the affair, and aids one in hwatever course of action on chooses, divorce or reconciliation.

Having proof has prevented my XWW from lying about things to family and friends(at least about the affair hving taken place).

[Andy L]

Man, of course its not easy to be in your position..

Nine years of marriage..

All people (normal) who I know had some emotional pain for loving someone and all the consequences when it goes to a bad way...

I would want to say you will get better days in the future, but its not so easy, because if your wife is really cheating on you as it seems, the "process" will be in a long time.

Work all things in your own mind, the real possibility to confirm this story, about divorcing her and all future troubles, if its real, and you don't agree to be with her anymore, its better the find out the truth and look for a new life as soon as possible!

Tell her that she doesn't need to deny and you're prepared to hear the truth, that you've already know the truth so she maybe allow to tel you everything, who knows?

 

Friend, I know you won't forget her so easily, just because its real life, but I really think if you're a good guy, you'll find someone better, if you have "lost" your wife..

 

All the best

[RunawayTrain]

HurtingGuy, Im truly sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. My opinion. Do not wait for definitive proof because you could be running around in circles waiting for something solid. She sounds, disrespectful and manipulative and it obviously very good at covering her tracks thus far. Sit her down, calmly. Explain to her that you have irrefutable evidence (call her bluff) that she is having an affair and this is her ONLY opportunity to come clean. If she comes clean then you have a decision to make. Can this marriage be saved ? Ask yourself that question. She shows all the signs of cheating, textbook, from what I read. Prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster, but be strong. First step is getting her to admit what she did. If that does not work then I strongly suggest you start other methods, spying, key logger, pictures, etc. Consider this like a court case, you need to gather evidence.

[2sure]

I just wanted to note that the whole "proof" issue may be different for men and women. I'm not sure. In my marriage, when my H was gaslighting me (which I found emotionally more abusive than the infidelity itself) ...I just said the hell with the proof. My argument to his gaslighting was that I knew and no amount of explaining, denying, or "proof" otherwise was going to change my mind. lol. Reverse psychology. No amount of his reasoning could change my mind. I didnt ask him questions and didnt offer him my own proof until he came clean.

 

But yes, Reggie and Owl - I do get what your reasoning.

Also - This poster needs an attorney ASAP.

[RunawayTrain]

I just wanted to note that the whole "proof" issue may be different for men and women. I'm not sure. In my marriage, when my H was gaslighting me (which I found emotionally more abusive than the infidelity itself) ...I just said the hell with the proof. My argument to his gaslighting was that I knew and no amount of explaining, denying, or "proof" otherwise was going to change my mind. lol. Reverse psychology. No amount of his reasoning could change my mind. I didnt ask him questions and didnt offer him my own proof until he came clean.

 

But yes, Reggie and Owl - I do get what your reasoning.

Also - This poster needs an attorney ASAP.

 

I have read your posts and they are excellent and on point. I agree he needs an attorney also. It sounds like his wife already is two steps ahead of him.

[Reggie]

HurtingGuy, Im truly sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. My opinion. Do not wait for definitive proof because you could be running around in circles waiting for something solid. She sounds, disrespectful and manipulative and it obviously very good at covering her tracks thus far. Sit her down, calmly. Explain to her that you have irrefutable evidence (call her bluff) that she is having an affair and this is her ONLY opportunity to come clean. If she comes clean then you have a decision to make. Can this marriage be saved ? Ask yourself that question. She shows all the signs of cheating, textbook, from what I read. Prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster, but be strong. First step is getting her to admit what she did. If that does not work then I strongly suggest you start other methods, spying, key logger, pictures, etc. Consider this like a court case, you need to gather evidence.

 

The only problem I see with this is that , almost universally, a cheater will continue to lie unless you have irrefutable proof. And, after confronting, it becomes much more difficult to gather the evidence.

It is tremendously tough to discpline oneself to lay low and gather evidence while this abuse is going on. One wants to just scream "Stop lying. Tell me the truth". But, it seems to seldom have the desired effect and really interferes with collecting evidence once they know you are on to them.

[RunawayTrain]

The only problem I see with this is that , almost universally, a cheater will continue to lie unless you have irrefutable proof. And, after confronting, it becomes much more difficult to gather the evidence.

It is tremendously tough to discpline oneself to lay low and gather evidence while this abuse is going on. One wants to just scream "Stop lying. Tell me the truth". But, it seems to seldom have the desired effect and really interferes with collecting evidence once they know you are on to them.

 

I see your point, gather the evidence, then bang her between the eyes and see what happens from there. I can already see where this is gonna go from my gut feeling.

[Reggie]

I just wanted to note that the whole "proof" issue may be different for men and women. I'm not sure. In my marriage, when my H was gaslighting me (which I found emotionally more abusive than the infidelity itself) ...I just said the hell with the proof. My argument to his gaslighting was that I knew and no amount of explaining, denying, or "proof" otherwise was going to change my mind. lol. Reverse psychology. No amount of his reasoning could change my mind. I didnt ask him questions and didnt offer him my own proof until he came clean.

 

But yes, Reggie and Owl - I do get what your reasoning.

Also - This poster needs an attorney ASAP.

 

2 sure, I am not certain it is a gender thing. Rather, I think the need to gather proof stems form an analysis of the type of person your WS is. In my situation, my XWW had a long history of lying, essentially a life of lies. We were married 10 years and she claimed that she had graduated from college the entire time. This was completely false, I came to find out.

I just knew she would go on a smear campaign about me, unless I had the goods on her. I knew that she would attempt to introduce the OM into the lives of our children and to her family, as a new, legitimate love interest formed after our relationship was over. I was having none of that.

But, it had to do with who she was , not her gender or mine. I knew I needed to protect my kids and myself from a future of lies.

[whichwayisup]

Other than proof you see with your own eyes, right now you have enough to go on to know that she IS doing something very wrong. And, the way she is treating you.. Lying to you, distancing herself from you in everyway. That in itself is grounds for kicking her out of the house!

 

You need to be strong and take control, let HER know that you won't be putting up with her crap on stick anymore.

 

If you can, hire a PI, or ask a trusted friend to follow her if you can't afford a PI. And, please, talk to a lawyer too.

 

Sorry you're hurting and going through this.

[hurtinguy]

Thanks everyone for your replies so far. I really do appreciate them.

I'm not sure about the layer thing yet. I have always figured she would keep the house if something happened. Her mother gave us the land, and all her entire family lives up on the mountain around us. It would serve her right to have to live there with her family knowing what she did.

 

I love where I live, we built our house together in one years time. We literally cut it out of the woods.

[Darth Vader]

Hurting, it's evident that your wife's riding more than motorcycles. I suggest that you divorce her like quick and proto, today! No one else has suggested that you get STD testing done, because she did knowing and willingly put you at risk for an STDs. Especially when she had sex with you that night, which made you sick! You need to inform her of that. Because she has done this, she really doesn't love you, otherwise she wouldn't have done any of these things to you!

 

Be prepared for her to do her Blameshifting Bullcrap on you! (If you would have done this or that, met needs, etc.) She'd be attempting to justify her actions, you need to call her out on this!

 

She felt that cheaters should be dropped, eh? Then drop her out on her ASS! No consequences for her actions, no motivation for change! Inform her family and your family what she's been doing, and has done to you, expose her!

[Darth Vader]

BTW, if anyone leaves the home, it's her! Not you, you didn't do anything wrong, she did! Protect your assets and get a good lawyer, it sounds like she gearing up to fight very dirty and hard!

 

Another thing, don't let her know of this web site, it's your place, and your place alone. Feel free to come and vent anytime you're able to.

 

 

 

 

Remember! This is not your fault! Even if she says it is, spit it back in her face! Tell her to remember how she feels about cheaters, and that she is one now! She did this, there's no excuse for what she's been up to!

[Darth Vader]

She's also been nasty to you as cheaters usually are, this is something else to bring up as well. The signs are all there, you trusted her, and this is how she treats you!