MattyTee Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Hi folks, Boy has it been a while since I posted here! Nice to be in the dating rather than recovery section now too... So here is the background and the question: I met this woman in November last year on an Internet dating site. After a couple of weeks of talking (net and phone) I asked her out on a date and she said yes. Now, she is a little older than me and has been married twice. Both times she was cheated on and in a third relationship she wasn't treated that well. She was initially unsure about meeting anyone but said that she would make an exception for me. We went on a few dates and gradually started spending more time together. After a few months she had said to me that I was looking at her a certain way and she asked me to tell me what I wanted with her and how I felt about her. Now, I'm a soppy romantic and have had a bit of a rough deal myself with relationships in the past. I realised I did love her but I was scared of admitting it, it's almost easier to hide it away and not have to deal with all the fears that loving someone can (I'm not saying it should) entail. Moving forward a few months, she has met my family and they adore her. I have met her brother and sister (her parents have unfortunately passed away) and things are going really well. I suppose that my question is this: For quite some time on Facebook (ugh, I hate that I'm talking about that but it's more the symbolic thing for me) she had 'single' as her status. Now I'm all for taking things slowly but I also think that people need to be honest with each other and at some point decide where things might go. I asked her about this a few months ago and she said it didn't mean anything and that she felt scared about changing it. My understanding of her situation is this: She has been married twice and with her third relationship felt that she had rushed into things, her second marriage also felt rushed because her father was terminally ill and she wanted him to give her away. I understand therefore that she is scared about rushing into anything. She is 42 and I am ten years younger and I understand that this also might be an issue for her - the fear that I would run off with a 'younger model', especially seeing as she has been cheated on before. She and I met only 3 months after she had broken up with her ex, which I initially didn't know. She has told me that for at least the last year or two she was feeling unhappy in the relationship - he was ridiculing her newfound interest in spirituality and had started using drugs. My fears are these: Until recently I hadn't met any of her friends or family. It did seem a little bit like she didn't want me to be a part of her life in that way, that perhaps she wondered what people would think about the age gap or how quickly she had met me after her ex. I am or at least was concerned that I was some kind of a rebound relationship. I think that's only natural but we have talked about it and she assures me I am not and that she understands that fear - we have been together around 8 months now, so perhaps that's a good indicator it isn't a rebound. For me, it is a difficult thing that she seems reluctant to fully open up and to be able to put a label on the relationship. She says that I am her boyfriend (or if that term doesn't apply at our age: partner, significant other, better half, worse half... etc.) but at the same time it's almost like she doesn't want anyone to know - I'll use Facebook as an example, despite two or three weeks ago stating we should put it up as a relationship she changed her mind. Part of the reason that bothers me so much is that she seems to push me into opening up with her, to have a photo of her in my wallet, to commit. Ironically we had both written lists of things that we would like in a potential partner (me after a discussion with a therapist and her after a discussion with a friend). We match each others profiles very well. Generally speaking we are very happy together but I suppose I'm wondering if these are signs that she is really not that into me, whether commitment is a real issue, or whether I'm being a bit insensitive there and she's just scared and going slowly. For me there is that fear that I am investing and falling for someone that isn't feeling the same and doesn't see it going the same way I might. Opinions, feelings and comments are welcome and encouraged
Author MattyTee Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Any thoughts or did I write too much again!? Haha!
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I wouldn't go so far as to say that she's NOT interested in you. It sounds more to me that the woman has been burned pretty badly and is being careful. That's not to say, either, that you're being unreasonable. How can YOU fall completely in if SHE won't fall completely in? It's a valid question. I guess you'll get to a point where you can sit her down and ask her to make a choice - continue to fear the future because of the past, or let the past go and embrace the present - a relationship with a guy that has shown her nothing but devotion, love, and commitment. If she's unwilling after you have that discussion (meaning she makes no real strides in opening her heart completely), then it's time to start pulling away - letting her know it's a little cold and lonely out there by yourself.
Author MattyTee Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 I wouldn't go so far as to say that she's NOT interested in you. It sounds more to me that the woman has been burned pretty badly and is being careful. That's not to say, either, that you're being unreasonable. How can YOU fall completely in if SHE won't fall completely in? It's a valid question. I guess you'll get to a point where you can sit her down and ask her to make a choice - continue to fear the future because of the past, or let the past go and embrace the present - a relationship with a guy that has shown her nothing but devotion, love, and commitment. If she's unwilling after you have that discussion (meaning she makes no real strides in opening her heart completely), then it's time to start pulling away - letting her know it's a little cold and lonely out there by yourself. Thanks for that Soul, was a really nice comment. I think sometimes we know in our hearts that something is good and there is that little voice of doubt that beckons us to question it. Letting it out often helps (as it did a couple of years ago when I went through a break up). In actual fact I think considering what she has been through she has opened up a good deal and taking things slowly is never really a bad thing. It is a very good relationship and I need to remember to value that now without looking to tomorrow too often. Thanks again!
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