Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you.

[darksky]

Now im by no means a religious person, and under normal circumstances would not give this kind of thing a second thought. But the other day when i was surfin the net I somehow came across this:

 

Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian woman who survived a Nazi concentration camp during the Holocaust, said, "Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you."

 

This kind of got me into thinking about my ex. My ex cheated on me about 3 months ago after our 3 year relationship.. and then ended the relationship soon after. Since then despite her constant calling me and texting me i've gone no contact and havn't replied once (it was hard, but i did it and now im 99% over her).

 

So 3 months later she hasnt given up and still calls and texts (although far less often).. she says she misses me and wants to talk about things. My friends says she just feels guilty and wants to clear her concience, which may well be true.

 

What are your thoughts on forgiveness? Do you think it makes us a "prisoner" to bitterness if we do not forgive? How many people have been cheated on and think they will never forgive? Or who thinks that they have forgiven?

 

Also i feel like she is suffering at the moment and I could put her out of her misery with a simple three word phrase "I forgive you". Then I could walk away knowing that I have made peace and so could she.

 

Im a talking a load of S**t, or do you guys ever think about this kind of thing?

 

Thanks

~Darksky

[Valedico]

Well i am in your girlfriends shoe's, and yes she is miserable and she most probably wakes up with a sick feeling in her stomach everyday her guilt is killing her i can promise you that.

 

I cheated after drinking way to much still isnt an excuse i feel terrible and i will never do it again i SWEAR! I would rather walk over broken glass!

 

Thing is i dont think she forgave me she never said i forgive you, those words would set me free and put me out of my misery...but then i know i deserve to feel like this after hurting someone so much so i live with it. And i am a ***ing miserable person right now for almost 5 months already, People make mistakes, forgive and forget.

 

Easy to say for the cheater i know i dont know what i would do if i was cheated on, thats just my opinion.

[Valedico]

oh and texted and called her for 3 months, she still replied but was very bitchy. I have been no contact for a month now, eventually your ex will give up trying and learn to live with guilt! I give her another month P.s Any people out here who are thinking of cheating on the person they love prepare to live in hell for a long, long time unless you dont have a conscious

[brock9911]

me and my ex were together for 7 years when she cheated on me. first there was the excuse that she was drinking than passed out. she made me believe that the 2 guys she was with slipped something in her drink. my friend caught the 2 guys making out with her at a bar and got in between. we broke for a few weeks but i actually believed her. than about a month later, there was a party at my house, it was at the end of the night and i went to bed. my roommate and at the time best friend walked in on her making out with some guy on my couch. she also said she blacked out and didnt remember. i than go to find out it happened one other time.

basically what im getting at is i was a door mat. i took her back and for a year i tried to make things work. there was a lot of fighting and drinking going on. my anxiety was through the roof and my depression grew. than a little over 3 months ago she kicks me out of the house because she didnt like my partying life style. i moved home, we continued to see each other, than she breaks up with me about 1 1/2 months ago cuz she thought i cheated on her.

i know im babbling but trust me when i say, you can try to forgive and forget, but it will never happen. until you move on and meet someone else can you really forgive and forget. at that point you'll be so rapped up in your new relationship, the old one wont matter.

if you tell her shes forgivin, than she moves on with her new bf happy and your still miserable.

good luck man.

[Road To Joy]

you can try to forgive and forget, but it will never happen. until you move on and meet someone else can you really forgive and forget.

 

This pretty much says it all.

 

Brock's on a role!

[Ingenue]

Forgiveness for me was so liberating. When I forgave my ex, I realized that my life wasn't dependent on how he treated me or didn't treat me. It wasn't dependent on what he said or didn't say, nor was it necessary for me to count my NC days. I realized that my life was too short to be lived in bitterness and hatred. It turned me into a person that wasn't me.

 

While I've forgiven him, I won't ever forget what he did. That does not mean that I hold anger in my heart. I don't subscribe to the "it happens for a reason school", but I can certainly see advantages to him having dumped me. It has allowed me to refine my ideas of what I want in a partner and what I am willing and unwilling to accept and tolerate in a relationship. Those life experiences are ones that you cannot forget, nor should you.

 

I don't hold ill will towards him, but I also wouldn't bend over backwards for him. He's just a part of my very long ago past.

[brock9911]

yeah road to joy, so much so i dumped a ton of money on a tattoo. once this break up happened, my artistic side came back. i started having ideas, lyrics, drawings. so i decided to get a tattoo out of it. im proud of it and myself. it symbolizes the attitudes and personalities iv experienced over the past year.

in other words, its a statement that will always remind me, dont get walked over.

[sedgwick]

I am SO proud of you for not replying to her! Wow!! Keep it up, you're doing great! As far as I'm concerned, if she lied and cheated, she made her bed, as the saying goes. It's not your job to "put her out of her misery." You can forgive her, but you don't need to tell her that. Forgiving her would be for YOU, to set yourself free, but not to relieve her guilt. She chose the situation in which she now finds herself, and it is hers to deal with.

 

The same thing happened to my cousin. His wife, whom he adored, moved him halfway across the US when her company transferred her. It wasn't until after they got there and he was in a new city where he knew nobody else that he found out she was having an affair with a guy who worked in that office and that was the real reason she insisted on the move.

 

When he found out, she asked for a divorce, and he was destroyed. But he stayed there and got a better job than the one he'd had before. He made friends, and he recently remarried. As for her, the guy broke her heart when he decided to stay with his wife (yup, she wasn't just cheating, she was cheating with a married man), and she tried to call my cousin for support. He told her she needed to talk to someone else, and hung up on her. I was SO unbelievably proud of him, just like I am of you!

 

As far as my own forgiveness re: my ex is concerned, it's more that I can't forgive myself for not being good enough for him. He left me two years ago because my career (writer, dancer) wasn't good enough, he wanted someone with the same career as his (musician.) I loved him with all my heart and have had a very tough time dealing with the fact that I couldn't give him what he needed. I've been pretty good with the NC -- he tried calling me a year ago just to chat, like nothing had ever happened (this was after totally ignoring me for a year; the last time he saw me he'd left me sobbing on the floor.) He called up to talk about himself and his music and appeared to have no recollection of having hurt me. I told him the only thing he could say to me that would make me talk to him was that he loved me and wanted me back. He went silent. I told him I loved him but couldn't be his friend, and I hung up. Haven't heard from him since, but still love him with all my heart. I am indeed imprisoned by my inability to forgive myself.

[Trialbyfire]

In order to move past it, you have to forgive yourself. When you forgive them, you don't need to forgive their actions, just the person.

 

That's how I did it since the actions of cheating, were unforgiveable, as in taking someone back afterwards. You teach people how to treat you and others that follow in your footsteps. Taking them back gives the wrong message.

[sedgwick]

You teach people how to treat you and others that follow in your footsteps.

 

EXACTLY!!!!

 

My best friend is a tattoo artist, and we were talking one night about people who get their bf/gf's names tattooed on them and are then stuck with it after they break up (and other similarly unfortunate tattoo decisions.) My friend said, "You get the tattoo you deserve."

 

Somehow, it's kind of the same thing, I think...

[Trialbyfire]

EXACTLY!!!!

 

My best friend is a tattoo artist, and we were talking one night about people who get their bf/gf's names tattooed on them and are then stuck with it after they break up (and other similarly unfortunate tattoo decisions.) My friend said, "You get the tattoo you deserve."

 

Somehow, it's kind of the same thing, I think...

It took me a read or two to understand where you were coming from sedg and yes, it's the same kind of thing.

[darksky]

Thanks for all the responses everyone.. Im still feeling a little unsure of what to do though. I would never forget what she did to me theres no question about that.. reconciliation is really not an option here for me, this is simply about whether or not i should forgive her and let her know that so that we can both be at peace with each other and the situation.

 

I'm starting to believe that a fool forgives and forgets, but the wise forgives and never forgets. I guess if we dont learn by lifes experiences then the experience was wasted.

 

Sedgwick I was actaully wondering about whether or not she needs to know that I have forgiven her, and as you rightly pointed out, its not for her sake its for mine. But then what harm would it do to let her know that I've forgiven her? Surely only good can come of that right?

 

I've also got to ask myself the question do I really feel ready to forgive, I still feel hurt when I think about it and still feel anger towards her every once in a while (but not often). I just want to shake this sadness of knowing that someone who I once loved deeply thinks that I hate her, when the truth is I dont, I just cant talk to her or be around her for my own mental stability.

 

Im sure alot of you can relate to what im saying and i take comfort in that.

 

Thanks for all the repsonses and kind words

~Darksky

[sedgwick]

But then what harm would it do to let her know that I've forgiven her? Surely only good can come of that right?

 

I just cant talk to her or be around her for my own mental stability.

 

Look at these two statements! I think you have your answer.

 

Like TBF said, she needs to learn how not to treat anyone who comes after you! Telling her you forgive her is a) giving up your own power and b) letting her off the hook for cheating. She deserves NC! If you forgive her, great. You know you do, and that allows you to move on. But she's going to have to find it in herself to move on, JUST LIKE YOU HAVE.

 

NC doesn't mean you hate her or don't forgive her, it means you respect YOURSELF first and foremost. You said it yourself: you can't talk to her or be around her, at least not right now. You need time to fully heal, and it's okay to take that time!

 

I guess if we dont learn by lifes experiences then the experience was wasted.

 

Right. And you both, separately, need to learn important lessons. You need to learn that you won't put up with being treated badly, and that you have it in you to find your own strength and not back down. She needs to learn that hurting someone who loves you has consequences, and that the most profound of those consequences is their silence.

[darksky]

Hi Sedgwick - That was a really good response and reality check. Your right, she does need to know that I wont put up with her treating me badly. Right now im doing a good job of showing her that, and I dont want to back down now and "let her off the hook". Otherwise she will have learn't nothing and think that its ok to treat people that way.

 

Your cousins story is almost the same as mine.. i moved cities to be with her, I left my family and friends, and she repays me in this way! Im glad things worked out for your cousin and he came out of the situation happier than ever.

 

The hard part is to just 100% let go and forget. She has a way of wording things in her texts which really tests my wil-power and tugs on my heart strings.. which makes it tough, and curiosity just wont allow me to not read the texts.

 

Im sure one day she will give up.. but a strange part of doesn't want her to! I guess im just too sentimental for my own good.

 

But either way im guna stay strong and continue to ignore her - it seems the only way.

 

Thanks again

[WhyYesThankYou]

Good on you for not replying.

 

It's interesting what she is and isn't asking for. It doesn't sound like she's asking to get back together with you. It sounds like she just wants you to say something to the effect of, "That's okay, I forgive you," so that she can move on. But if you were to say that, what would you be left with? She would get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card; what do you get? Nothing. Well, having taken "the high road," I suppose, in terms of showing compassion to another person.

 

But there is much to me said for looking after yourself, as you and as Sedgwick have said. And it sounds like for you this means NC.

 

She's the one who cheated. She's the one who dumped you. And now she's the one coming to you looking for absolution and help to sleep better at night??? Let her get it from one of the guys she's screwing around with. She had her chance with you and blew it, and you owe her nothing.

 

[Note that I, too, struggle with the kindness-towards-my-fellow-imperfect-man and the glorious self-preservation of NC. At the moment I'm so angry with my ex that NC is winning hands-down.]

[sedgwick]

Your cousins story is almost the same as mine.. i moved cities to be with her, I left my family and friends, and she repays me in this way! Im glad things worked out for your cousin and he came out of the situation happier than ever.

 

His new wife is a million times better!! She's smart and funny and she's not anorexic like the first one. His first wife always struck me as really shallow, overly concerned with appearances, and not very intelligent. His new one is adorable and down-to-earth and has a career she loves. Best of all, it's obvious she's totally nuts about him. He definitely traded up!

[asuman]

A girlfriend cheated on me once, after a 3 year relationship.

 

I did not truly forgive her until I was in another relationship, i.e., until I was truly over her. After 3 months, I doubt you are over her even though you think you may be.

 

And by the way, I still haven't truly forgiven her. It no longer makes me angry, and it actually liberated me from a bad relationship with her anyway. But what she did was wrong, and disgusting. It was 5 years ago and I continue to believe that to this day.