A blow to the stomach

[asuman]

I saw it coming. I knew it might happen. And it did happen. At least I'll have closure. But the next several days are going to be very hard for me. Here's why:

 

I checked her Facebook. She uploaded some new photos. There are a few of her with a guy. Nothing distasteful. Just her and some guy sitting together. Unfortunately he too is on Facebook, with a public profile. And there are comments by his friends about how cute she is. And there's also a comment by her about missing him.

 

From the timing, it's apparent that she was dating both of us at the same time. Nothing dishonest going on, she was upfront about that. But around the time she lost interest in me, things must have taken off with the 2 of them. And now they're an item.

 

Oh God this sucks. I feel absolutely torn up. I'll come to accept this, and move on, and now I've obviously given up all hope completely. But this is going to hurt. The photos hurt. The comments hurt. I wasn't betrayed, so it's not that. It's just that I came in 2nd place. I suppose I did the best I could to win her affection and I obviously had a decent shot given how far things went, so no regrets. But I don't know where to go from here emotionally.

[Lyssa]

I'm sorry to hear about this, Asuman. At least, you have some sort of closure and this enable you to move on with more ease. I know, I know it's easier said than done and you may think that that's not going to happen but look at you, you were doing much better until you checked her Facebook page - I wouldn't have done that but hey, curiosity got the better of you right?

 

Close the chapter - move on. You're free to do whatever you want now without having to think that things might change between you both and you'd get back together. None of that. She has moved on and you should too.

[asuman]

I'm sorry to hear about this, Asuman. At least, you have some sort of closure and this enable you to move on with more ease. I know, I know it's easier said than done and you may think that that's not going to happen but look at you, you were doing much better until you checked her Facebook page - I wouldn't have done that but hey, curiosity got the better of you right?

 

Close the chapter - move on. You're free to do whatever you want now without having to think that things might change between you both and you'd get back together. None of that. She has moved on and you should too.

 

Thanks Lyssa. I agree with what you say. The first 2 minutes after I saw these things, the wind was knocked out of me. It's now been 20 mins or so and I actually feel pretty calm. I just wrote a long email to a buddy of mine who's been following this situation with me, and by the end of it I told him that I could see my actually getting over this and reaching out to her as friends at some point down the road. I'm ok with it. I can deal with it. I didn't love her. I just had a major crush on her. At least this gives me an explanation of how and why things wound up the way they did, even though our dates were so much fun. She had to make a decision at some point, I know now, and her decision was clear.

 

I don't regret checking her Facebook either. I deleted her from my news feed from now on, but I didn't unfriend her and don't feel a need to. I know I'll get over this. I still need to let my emotions digest all this. But really, in some sense I'm feeling relieved because of the answers this gives me. Things went so well with us, we just connected, and then suddenly she started acting strangely and was gone. Now I know.

 

Thanks for your support. Lots of people on this forum are good people, I consider them friends though I never have and never will meet them, and that includes you.

 

Sigh. Onward.

[Lyssa]

Thanks Lyssa. I agree with what you say. The first 2 minutes after I saw these things, the wind was knocked out of me. It's now been 20 mins or so and I actually feel pretty calm. I just wrote a long email to a buddy of mine who's been following this situation with me, and by the end of it I told him that I could see my actually getting over this and reaching out to her as friends at some point down the road. I'm ok with it. I can deal with it. I didn't love her. I just had a major crush on her. At least this gives me an explanation of how and why things wound up the way they did, even though our dates were so much fun. She had to make a decision at some point, I know now, and her decision was clear.

 

You know, I'm not stalking you :laugh: but the reason why I always comment on your threads is because you remind me of me in the past. I dated a guy after the break-up of my previous ex - we got along really well, had great chemistry, had A LOT of fun but it was shortlived. All of a sudden, he stopped calling/texting for 2 weeks. Then he came back saying he was out of town and was busy etc. We went out again but I noticed things were not the same. Asked and prodded, he said it was nothing. Later, I found out he met someone out of town. That was a huge blow as I thought with the way things were, we could have taken the next step. Clearly, that broke my heart and getting over him was not that easy. So I understand what you're going through now. It may look or feel as though you won't get over it... but you will.

 

I don't regret checking her Facebook either. I deleted her from my news feed from now on, but I didn't unfriend her and don't feel a need to. I know I'll get over this. I still need to let my emotions digest all this. But really, in some sense I'm feeling relieved because of the answers this gives me. Things went so well with us, we just connected, and then suddenly she started acting strangely and was gone. Now I know.

 

I know you don't regret it. I checked his Myspace (back then) to see what he was up to and if he was still seeing her then I realised it wasn't healthy. It made it harder for me to move on. Yeah, it will take a while to let it digest but it will .

 

Thanks for your support. Lots of people on this forum are good people, I consider them friends though I never have and never will meet them, and that includes you.

 

Sigh. Onward.

 

Don't mention it, Asuman. I'm happy if I helped you in any way to get over this. That's what "friends" are for . Keep posting, it helps.

[asuman]

Please, feel free to stalk me if you want. Any boosts to the ego I can get right now, I'll take.

 

Not sure how I'll handle her Facebook, but I really am not the kind of guy to stalk someone when it is so convincingly over. There's a good chance I'll be able to just use self-control to not check her profile again for a long time, until I'm done with her in my system.

 

This is a weird feeling. I almost want to reach out to her and tell her, "Hey. I see you have a new boyfriend. Lucky him. I wish you the best. We had some awesome moments together and I'm glad I experienced them with you. Cheers and farewell."

[Lyssa]

Please, feel free to stalk me if you want. Any boosts to the ego I can get right now, I'll take.

 

You asked for it!

 

Not sure how I'll handle her Facebook, but I really am not the kind of guy to stalk someone when it is so convincingly over. There's a good chance I'll be able to just use self-control to not check her profile again for a long time, until I'm done with her in my system.

 

Yes, I'm sure you can make use of your self-control. Also, I forgot to comment about being friends later on - that is possible but only when you're really over her. One of my BFF is my previous ex-BF. It took 3 years for me to be able to be friends with him and I must say, he is truly my BFF. It works for some people, it doesn't for others.

 

This is a weird feeling. I almost want to reach out to her and tell her, "Hey. I see you have a new boyfriend. Lucky him. I wish you the best. We had some awesome moments together and I'm glad I experienced them with you. Cheers and farewell."

 

As sweet as that sounds, I wouldn't do it. It might just trigger to talk to you more about it cause she might you're totally okay with her going out with another guy. Then how would that help you to move on?

[asuman]

You asked for it!

 

Sweet! I officially have a stalker! It's been a few years since my last one and I missed it. Good times.

 

Yes, I'm sure you can make use of your self-control. Also, I forgot to comment about being friends later on - that is possible but only when you're really over her. One of my BFF is my previous ex-BF. It took 3 years for me to be able to be friends with him and I must say, he is truly my BFF. It works for some people, it doesn't for others.

 

Yep, one of my BFF's is also one of my ex's, so I think you and I are on the same page. (I'm seeing a theme here).

 

As sweet as that sounds, I wouldn't do it. It might just trigger to talk to you more about it cause she might you're totally okay with her going out with another guy. Then how would that help you to move on?

 

Could you elaborate a bit? It might trigger HER to talk to me more about it?

[Lyssa]

Could you elaborate a bit? It might trigger HER to talk to me more about it?

 

Sorry! I called the guy "it" - I meant to type "him".

 

IME, when I found out that the guy was seeing someone else - I wrote him pretty much the same thing. He said thanks AND then, after that he started emailing me about the GIRL! . Like I really needed to know all the things they did together (which we did too). For me, it was too much so the friendship ended - I told him that I had to go NC with him cause it still hurt to see him with another girl.

[asuman]

Sorry! I called the guy "it" - I meant to type "him".

 

IME, when I found out that the guy was seeing someone else - I wrote him pretty much the same thing. He said thanks AND then, after that he started emailing me about the GIRL! . Like I really needed to know all the things they did together (which we did too). For me, it was too much so the friendship ended - I told him that I had to go NC with him cause it still hurt to see him with another girl.

 

I see what you mean. I'd have to draw a line too, if that were to happen. I've done so in the past with ex's. I'll see how I feel about things one step at a time.

[Thomas X Forever]

Honestly, this is just a major example of why you completely delete all ties/never visit the person you losts website. NO myspace, NO facebook, NO twitter, NOTHING. If you disobey and curiosity beats your logic, you end up in the position you're in.

 

Happened to me with my very first ex too. I know what it's like. Never made the mistake again. Ever.

[northstar1]

I saw it coming. I knew it might happen. And it did happen. At least I'll have closure. But the next several days are going to be very hard for me. Here's why:

 

I checked her Facebook. She uploaded some new photos. There are a few of her with a guy. Nothing distasteful. Just her and some guy sitting together. Unfortunately he too is on Facebook, with a public profile. And there are comments by his friends about how cute she is. And there's also a comment by her about missing him.

 

From the timing, it's apparent that she was dating both of us at the same time. Nothing dishonest going on, she was upfront about that. But around the time she lost interest in me, things must have taken off with the 2 of them. And now they're an item.

 

Oh God this sucks. I feel absolutely torn up. I'll come to accept this, and move on, and now I've obviously given up all hope completely. But this is going to hurt. The photos hurt. The comments hurt. I wasn't betrayed, so it's not that. It's just that I came in 2nd place. I suppose I did the best I could to win her affection and I obviously had a decent shot given how far things went, so no regrets. But I don't know where to go from here emotionally.

 

sorry to hear that one, i know that pain.

when my ex and i broke up last year, i decided to keep her on my 'friends' list and just not check it. the problem is that i was always full of anxiety that a 'story' or newsfeed about her would pop up on my page anyways, so i didn't check fb at all for months.

 

i'd just delete her and save yourself that mess and pain if you do get overwhelmed with curiosity.

[asuman]

sorry to hear that one, i know that pain.

when my ex and i broke up last year, i decided to keep her on my 'friends' list and just not check it. the problem is that i was always full of anxiety that a 'story' or newsfeed about her would pop up on my page anyways, so i didn't check fb at all for months.

 

i'd just delete her and save yourself that mess and pain if you do get overwhelmed with curiosity.

 

(Copypasting this onto my mobile phone so forgive the weird line/para breaks)

 

I think I've mentioned before on this forum, that learning your ex is

seeing someone else is a good thing because it leaves you with no

choice but to move on. So I don't at all regret checking her Facebook,

and for now I will likely stay connected to her. I have deleted her

from my newsfeed (they may not have had that feature in the past,

northstar), so I won't see her profile unless I deliberately go there,

and I can do that even if I've deleted her since her profile isn't set

to private so it makes no difference if I delete her or not. The

choice of whether to essentially stalk your ex or not is always yours.

Traditionally, I've never had stalker tendencies, so I'm confident I

will move on.

 

For me personally, this development is definitely a good thing. I feel

better today than I have in weeks about her and about the situation. I

am ready to move on. I've learned why things ended, my ego actually

feels a bit better than it did before, and I have closure. I know now

that I wasn't crazy when I was telling all my friends that our dates

were going well. They WERE going well. But she felt a better

connection with the other dude she was dating, so she decided to go

with him (stupid decision!), and that's the end of the matter.

 

Why does my ego like this outcome? Because the alternative outcome was

her dumping me simply because she decided I was a dead end. For what

little that's worth, I wasn't a dead-end so much as she reached a fork in the road and went the other direction. Somehow, yes, that makes me feel better. I have some good memories of her and they're not tainted anymore by a fear that it was all just my imagination. That counts for something.

[Beeotch]

I saw it coming. I knew it might happen. And it did happen. At least I'll have closure. But the next several days are going to be very hard for me. Here's why:

 

I checked her Facebook. She uploaded some new photos. There are a few of her with a guy. Nothing distasteful. Just her and some guy sitting together. Unfortunately he too is on Facebook, with a public profile. And there are comments by his friends about how cute she is. And there's also a comment by her about missing him.

 

From the timing, it's apparent that she was dating both of us at the same time. Nothing dishonest going on, she was upfront about that. But around the time she lost interest in me, things must have taken off with the 2 of them. And now they're an item.

 

Oh God this sucks. I feel absolutely torn up. I'll come to accept this, and move on, and now I've obviously given up all hope completely. But this is going to hurt. The photos hurt. The comments hurt. I wasn't betrayed, so it's not that. It's just that I came in 2nd place. I suppose I did the best I could to win her affection and I obviously had a decent shot given how far things went, so no regrets. But I don't know where to go from here emotionally.

 

Sorry.

 

It's good that you're trying to have a positive outlook about this. I wouldn't look at it like you came in second..not because you are not what someone wants means you're second place or should feel less than.

 

I would so rather not know something like this....my ex wasnt dating others or whatnot...but I know that I am not completely immune to him so I am staying away from any info about his life until I am at that place cuz it would stab me in the heart.

 

But yeaa atleast you have closure and know what you need to do.

[asuman]

Sorry.

 

It's good that you're trying to have a positive outlook about this. I wouldn't look at it like you came in second..not because you are not what someone wants means you're second place or should feel less than.

 

I would so rather not know something like this....my ex wasnt dating others or whatnot...but I know that I am not completely immune to him so I am staying away from any info about his life until I am at that place cuz it would stab me in the heart.

 

But yeaa atleast you have closure and know what you need to do.

 

I think these situations vary from one to another. If I had a long relationship with her and was in love with her, I'd probably feel the same way you do.

 

I don't have that attachment with her. I just lusted after her and got excited about her, and then was sorely disappointed for no reason I could figure out. At this point of the day, more than 12 hours after I first saw those photos, I'm feeling really good about things.

 

Also, I wrote her an email today, in reaction to the photos. It was along the lines of what I wrote above, in response to Lyssa. She wrote back with a very sweet and highly flattering email. (Jesus, woman, if you liked me that much you should have picked me and not him). I have my closure and we've made nice to each other. I'm totally ready to let her go, if I haven't already.

[Lyssa]

Also, I wrote her an email today, in reaction to the photos. It was along the lines of what I wrote above, in response to Lyssa. She wrote back with a very sweet and highly flattering email. (Jesus, woman, if you liked me that much you should have picked me and not him). I have my closure and we've made nice to each other. I'm totally ready to let her go, if I haven't already.

 

You keep mentioning my name, you sure you don't have a crush on me too? j/k.

 

That's good. How are you feeling now?

[asuman]

You keep mentioning my name, you sure you don't have a crush on me too? j/k.

 

Oh come on Lyssa. I obviously do. You probably have a cute South African accent too, don't you?

 

That's good. How are you feeling now?

 

I'm feeling really good. I haven't felt this good in weeks, frankly. My email to her served as a confidence-booster once I sent it to her. There's something cathartic about telling someone you liked that "Hey, it's over, and I'm cool with that."

 

And her response just compounded the good feelings. I'm back in business and ready for the next challenge.

 

EDIT: I thought I read somewhere that you were from SA, but now I don't know where I saw that. So, wherever you're from, I'm sure you have a cute regional accent.

[Lyssa]

Oh come on Lyssa. I obviously do. You probably have a cute South African accent too, don't you?

 

I don't think I have a cute South African accent, as I am originally from somewhere else!

 

I'm feeling really good. I haven't felt this good in weeks, frankly. My email to her served as a confidence-booster once I sent it to her. There's something cathartic about telling someone you liked that "Hey, it's over, and I'm cool with that."

 

And her response just compounded the good feelings. I'm back in business and ready for the next challenge.

 

That's good to know, Asuman! I'm glad that you're back in business - get out there and have fun getting to know more people.

 

EDIT: I thought I read somewhere that you were from SA, but now I don't know where I saw that. So, wherever you're from, I'm sure you have a cute regional accent.

 

I mentioned on LS that I was there a few times and I'm relocating to Cape Town soon so yeah, maybe you read somewhere or maybe from my "location" - it says KUL-CPT .

[Left in a Lurch]

This happened to me recently, and for some reason after I get dumped I try to forget about it and move on but ironic things always seem to happen and they end up dating a friend or someone I see a lot, or out of the blue mutual friends feel they have to tell me all about how happy the girl that dumped me is with her new boyfriend, like I never dated her. I've even been invited to parties by the new couple and it's like wtf? Stop rubbing it in my face. One guy I rarely talked to, started dating a girl that just dumped me all of the sudden wants to have a conversation every time I see him. That's a good punch to the gut.

 

Before they dump me they avoided me like they were in the witness protection program and after they dump me a highly committed stalker wouldn't pop up as much as they do.

 

Someone said it perfect earlier, no facebook, myspace, etc., and if I see a girl like that in public I just ignore her like a stranger. It takes a little time but eventually I forget about her until one of my friends brings her up again. Don't go seeking a punch in the gut because you'll probably find it.

[Lyssa]

This happened to me recently, and for some reason after I get dumped I try to forget about it and move on but ironic things always seem to happen and they end up dating a friend or someone I see a lot, or out of the blue mutual friends feel they have to tell me all about how happy the girl that dumped me is with her new boyfriend, like I never dated her. I've even been invited to parties by the new couple and it's like wtf? Stop rubbing it in my face. One guy I rarely talked to, started dating a girl that just dumped me all of the sudden wants to have a conversation every time I see him. That's a good punch to the gut.

 

Before they dump me they avoided me like they were in the witness protection program and after they dump me a highly committed stalker wouldn't pop up as much as they do.

 

Someone said it perfect earlier, no facebook, myspace, etc., and if I see a girl like that in public I just ignore her like a stranger. It takes a little time but eventually I forget about her until one of my friends brings her up again. Don't go seeking a punch in the gut because you'll probably find it.

 

Argh - it happened to me in the past too and it blew me off big time! Even their friends were busy trying to be MY friends all of a sudden - WTF? You didn't even care back then when he dumped me!

 

CRH, yeap - the only way is to not give a fudge about the ex-es.

[Left in a Lurch]

Argh - it happened to me in the past too and it blew me off big time! Even their friends were busy trying to be MY friends all of a sudden - WTF? You didn't even care back then when he dumped me!

 

CRH, yeap - the only way is to not give a fudge about the ex-es.

 

The hardest part is when you stop caring and force yourself not to think about it, at some point you go out and have opportunities and find you don't fell like pursuing any of those opportunities because you just don't care about dating anyone that much.