howitza1 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I've been in a relationship with a girl for approximately 5 months. I myself am someone who has an admittedly poor self-esteem (working on it!) and have my own faults but I'm a pretty passionate person. My girlfriend on the other hand isn't. Both on an emotional level and a physical level. We've been in a LDR from the start and see each other 2-3 times a month. She's 23 years old. I've been told by her friends that she's never been an emotional person. She is a virgin and hasn't really had any relationships with any guys in the past. She's told me right from the start that she has problems with sexual intimacy and intimacy in general. She's a very smart girl who reads a lot and enjoys being an "intellectual" but has her emotions locked up in Fort Knox. These two things probably go hand in hand. When we kiss and do things that are physical she says she feels no sexual desire at all. She said she's always been this way. I've always believed in the saying "If you don't use it you lose it" when it comes to the libido. I have hopes that she might open up more on a physical level over time but it's a *very* slow process. Attempting anything new sexually for her is slow at best and usually we have to stop because she's either too afraid or isn't comfortable. I understand this and always stop when she tells me to. She doesn't do a very good job on the communication level though and we've run into some issues with this. At this point I have to assume that she thinks the only thing sex is going to do for her is cause her pain and it has no positives attached to it. The only time she even attempts anything on a physical level is when I'm noticeably bummed about it or explicitly ask. Not exactly a confidence inspiring thing and certainly not healthy when our time is limited due to a LDR. She has very few needs for our relationship and I in turn have become the "needy" one and this is something that I'm trying NOT to be but it's extremely hard when dealing with a girl who has a hard time with emotional attachment and intimacy. I'd like for our relationship to be a healthy one and we've talked about intimacy many times so our communication on the subject is adequate. I'm just not sure if this is something that someone can change or if it's just hardwired into who she is. I'm living with the hope that after she sees that sex isn't such a scary thing and being intimate is actually rewarding she might come around. If not I'm worried I'll never be content in the relationship. Thanks for any advice in the matter.
hoping2heal Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 It sounds like your gf has been sexually abused in the past. That would explain not only her views towards sex, but also the way she keeps her emotions "locked up like fort knoxx" . Their is help for the effects of sexual abuse, but unfortunately unless SHE is ready or wanting to seek out help, there won't be much that can be done, and until then she'll continue to be very closed up.
Author howitza1 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 It's a possibility that she has been, I've had thoughts along the same lines. She tends to goto tears very quickly while fooling around. There is a deep fear about sex somewhere that she hasn't told me yet, or she's just so afraid of the pain that it's overwhelming her ability to relax and perhaps enjoy it. I'm not exactly sure how to help her in this respect though. It's also a possibility that throughout her childhood and early adult life the only thing she's heard about sex is that it's bad and only leads to trouble and pain. The fact she's never felt sexual desire or gets turned on by physical contact worries me the most though. She said she gets turned on by the little things such as snuggling or a peck but deep kissing or anything beyond that doesn't do anything for her and she feels no desire beyond that. This is my primary concern since obviously bothers me that I'm with someone who isn't physically attracted to me. It's not just me though she said she's always been this way. Is it a possibility that due to her inexperience with sex and treating herself as someone that CAN be sexual is the reason? Could it get better over time with care and reinforcement? I've been under the hope that as time goes on and she realizes that I'm genuinely attracted to her physically as well as emotionally that she'll start to open up but at this point we're still on the same page as we were four months ago. She's worried she'll never be passionate or sexual and to be quite honest so am I =)
Els Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I hope this doesn't sound too intrusive but.. What sort of sexual things beyond 'snuggling and a peck' have you tried? I was like that in the past; but that was only because I could not identify that I really was into BDSM/kink. Most other stuff doesn't do much for me sexually. Maybe she just hasn't found her niche yet, and it isn't the typical variety? Also by 'not interested in sex' I assume you mean intercourse? Have you tried giving her oral instead, and working only with the clit while assuring her that penetration would NOT come until she's good and ready for it? Many girls, especially virgins, love oral even if they didn't think they would.
Author howitza1 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I hope this doesn't sound too intrusive but.. What sort of sexual things beyond 'snuggling and a peck' have you tried? I was like that in the past; but that was only because I could not identify that I really was into BDSM/kink. Most other stuff doesn't do much for me sexually. Maybe she just hasn't found her niche yet, and it isn't the typical variety? Also by 'not interested in sex' I assume you mean intercourse? Have you tried giving her oral instead, and working only with the clit while assuring her that penetration would NOT come until she's good and ready for it? Many girls, especially virgins, love oral even if they didn't think they would. Oh we've tried many things. She's extremely sensitive down there and I have no problems with giving her oral. Going anywhere near the clit or around it is exceptionally sensitive for her. She doesn't get any pleasure from it. We have yet to find anything she enjoys other than sometimes stimulating the G-spot but even that isn't something she's very comfortable with. She doesn't know what she likes which is part of the issue. Her sexual self awareness is lacking in general as she's never bothered with it. I've suggested she try self-gratification but I think she sees it as being perverted or a waste of time. What I meant was that physical contact in general she doesn't get aroused on and trying new things with her always seems to lead to pain and/or discomfort. Physical gratification is something she's completely ignored for her entire life and she's hardly ever in the mood for it. It's pretty fustrating!
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