Questions about marriage x fidelity

[Ilynd]

Hello Everyone!!

 

I am writing because I have been asking myself several questions about marriage and fidelity. I grew up in a country (Brazil) were cheating is almost like a national sport, however the speeches of morals are strong.

 

So, basically, it works like that: everybody will say that cheating is not acceptable, but everybody will cheat! They will all claim they would not pardon a cheating, but they will do anything to hide this fact if they find it out.

 

Before you get married, all you hear is that you are a smart woman if you break up a relationship when you find out the guys is cheating, but after getting married, suddenly the advices are that you are a smart woman if you find a way to punish your husband without letting him go away (BTW, any revenge is acceptable).

 

Going further, not everybody will say that, but eventually you will meet someone who will say something like this:

 

- It is almost impossible to be in a long marriage and not cheat! Human beings are made to be with different partners...

- If you are having an affair with a married man/woman, it is not a porblem as long as you dont expect him/her to leave his partner.

 

So...seriously, what is the REAL deal?????

 

Anybody who has been married for a long time can explain me this?

Is it more painful to cheat on ur partner, or to grow old realizning how many opportunities you missed?

 

If you deeply love someone, do you truly feel you dont need to be with anyone else? If you feel you want to be with someone else, does that mean you dont truly love that person?

 

Do people get into marriage thinking fidelity is the key, and eventually it changes for LOYALTY? Meaning, Ok, she/he can cheat, as long as I dont know, and she/he doesnt leave me? If so, how and when does that happen?

 

I am confused!!!!!!

 

Please, share some thoughts!

I would deeply appreciate to understand more about this issue, and maybe understand more about myself.

 

Thanks!!

 

Ilynd

[Reggie]

Many people can stick to their vows and are happy doing so. I don't know that I would have any interest in remaining with a cheater and punishing that person. Life is too short and there are better options, such as cutting your losses and divorcing.

Lost "opportunities" are overrated. Everyone that gets married should realize that he or she is forgoing opportunities in exchange for the benefits of marriage.

[Gamine]

I sowed my wild oats before I married at age 35. I had many boyfriends and was wined and dined... and pursued. Never had a one night stand... while at the same time not being a prude. I was a rated PG version of a party girl. A 'nice girl' who didn't want to get married.

 

That is until I met my husband. We will be married 14 years this coming fall and I have never cheated on him. In fact, I have never cheated on anyone. I believe that my word means something.

 

Integrity is extremely important to me. I believe what we say and do in life is of the utmost importance. So, I am guided by the deeper truths of my life experience and pay little attention to those around me who choose to live without integrity. I desire to be the best possible version of me and hope to continue to mature and grow every day that I am alive... always striving to be a better person.

 

Having said that, I want to share with you the fact that my husband cheated on me. This is by no means acceptable behavior and I struggle with my ability to remain married to him. His cheating days are over, however it has tainted what I was searching for in a marriage. Fidelity is very important to me. Truthfulness, friendship, and a deep bond are what I seek from a spouse in addition to the 'marital' situation. If someone cannot be my champion I simply don't see the point... I might as well be single.

 

Cheating happens... and apparently it happens as much in Brazil as here in the USA. However there are many spouses who believe in fidelity and there are marriages where this covenant is sacred. Whether my husband cheated or not does not absolve me from my standards or the vow I took. I am giving him the opportunity to live up to the vow he took and if the infidelity is something I can put behind me then perhaps our marriage will endure.

 

I have never been one to do what everyone else does or for that matter... to look to anyone else as my guide. For if I did I could explain away countless reasons for not honoring my marriage vow.

 

I believe that people can be monogamous. However, many people become filled with a concept of entitlement that fuels their desire to do as they please without regard to covenants or promises. However, if that is a path they choose... it defines them. My path defines me. So I choose to walk through life living true to my word no matter what.

[Dexter Morgan]

Many people can stick to their vows and are happy doing so.

 

too true. And those people that are faithful are even faithful when the excuse, that most here use, of some of their little "needs" aren't being met go unattended to.

 

that was the case with me, I sure as hell didn't have all my little needs met, but you didn't see me sticking my d!ck in other women.

 

 

I don't know that I would have any interest in remaining with a cheater and punishing that person.

 

oh I'll admit, the thought of punishing her was in my mind, but I realized that i'd only be punishing myself if I kept her around.

 

 

Life is too short and there are better options, such as cutting your losses and divorcing.

 

thats the way I see it.

 

 

Lost "opportunities" are overrated. Everyone that gets married should realize that he or she is forgoing opportunities in exchange for the benefits of marriage.

 

exactly...and if you aren't interested in forsaking all others....then don't get freakin' married.

[HsMomma]

Some of you know what the last month of my marriage has been like - to say it's been pure unadulterated H*LL would be like saying Mother Teresa was a pretty nice lady. My husband has been down & out with 2 bulging discs compressing his sciatic nerve - after MANY doctors, MANY MORE prescriptions, a loving kind man who turned into a monster I didn't even recognize, and all the assorted other types of fun that came with that, I can honestly say it NEVER crossed my mind to look elsewhere for the comfort, compassion & companionship we lost for 4+ weeks.

 

I believe in the integrity of wedding vows & let me tell you something, when we take those vows at the beginning, I don't think any of us can truly appreciate what those PROMISES or should I say, what KEEPING those promises can mean.

 

I don't feel I "missed out" on any opportunities either before we got married or during these last hellish weeks, when those who LOVE excuses could "justify" having an affair (even an EA) because "nobody understood what it was like, I wasn't getting what I needed, etc., etc., etc.

 

OP, I truly don't feel I need (or want) to be with anyone else & if I did, you can bet your last dollar, I'd end my marriage FIRST...but, folks, that just ain't gonna happen!

[RunawayTrain]

Some of you know what the last month of my marriage has been like - to say it's been pure unadulterated H*LL would be like saying Mother Teresa was a pretty nice lady. My husband has been down & out with 2 bulging discs compressing his sciatic nerve - after MANY doctors, MANY MORE prescriptions, a loving kind man who turned into a monster I didn't even recognize, and all the assorted other types of fun that came with that, I can honestly say it NEVER crossed my mind to look elsewhere for the comfort, compassion & companionship we lost for 4+ weeks.

 

I believe in the integrity of wedding vows & let me tell you something, when we take those vows at the beginning, I don't think any of us can truly appreciate what those PROMISES or should I say, what KEEPING those promises can mean.

 

I don't feel I "missed out" on any opportunities either before we got married or during these last hellish weeks, when those who LOVE excuses could "justify" having an affair (even an EA) because "nobody understood what it was like, I wasn't getting what I needed, etc., etc., etc.

 

OP, I truly don't feel I need (or want) to be with anyone else & if I did, you can bet your last dollar, I'd end my marriage FIRST...but, folks, that just ain't gonna happen!

 

You are truly a good woman, and a good person.

[HsMomma]

You are truly a good woman, and a good person.

 

Thank you - that means a lot. I don't think I've done anything out of the ordinary except doing my dam*dest to stick to the promises I made. But, if I'm to be completely honest, it was HARD!!!! I also have to admit that I had doubts during this time as to whether I had it in me to stick, and those doubts made me feel pretty lousy as a wife/partner...but, now that a lot of this is hindsight, I'm proud that I did.

 

Sorry about the threadjack! I guess my biggest response to the OP was that, even though there are MANY, MANY cheaters (especially when things get rough), we're certainly not ALL that way.

 

Thanks again, Runaway Train!

[LostInCosmos]

I don't believe anybody goes into a marriage thinking "well, if it isn't working out, I can always find some trim on the side". But I do think a lot of people (especially young people, <25) go into marriage without a clue as to who they really are, who their partner really is, how the two of you as individuals will change over the years and what the reality of marriage is.

 

We've all heard the cliches - "marriage is hard/work". But it's impossible to really grasp what that means until you're on the inside. It's like this very slow, very comfortable, creep on your relationship. You get caught up in the companionship. The comfort. The domesticity. You take for granted all those special little moments that were so magical when the relationship was new. Unless you actively manage it, it's easy for it to become this consumption partnership, not a romantic entanglement. And the truth is human beings have erotic and emotional needs, which are 100% as pressing as our needs for food and water.

 

Then, **** happens.

 

Just my $0.02 - I'm sure others may disagree, but it's been my experience.

[HsMomma]

I don't believe anybody goes into a marriage thinking "well, if it isn't working out, I can always find some trim on the side". But I do think a lot of people (especially young people, <25) go into marriage without a clue as to who they really are, who their partner really is, how the two of you as individuals will change over the years and what the reality of marriage is.

 

We've all heard the cliches - "marriage is hard/work". But it's impossible to really grasp what that means until you're on the inside.

 

And the truth is human beings have erotic and emotional needs, which are 100% as pressing as our needs for food and water.

 

QUOTE]

 

LinC, I think you're right. I do have one point on which I have a different opinion, though - I know you said "especially young people" but I wasn't anywhere NEAR <25 when I married my H (let's just agree to say that I had lots more miles on my tires than 25 years' worth!). And, I STILL didn't know what the reality is. Like I said in an earlier post on this topic, I don't think most people, regardless of age, understand TRULY what we are promising or how hard keeping those promises can be, until we're put to the test.

 

Yes, we do as human beings have erotic & emotional needs, but sometimes, in marriage, those needs have to take a back seat to the reality of certain situations. Did I have emotional needs during the last 4+ weeks of my husband's situation? You betcha! Did they get met? Not by a LONG shot. Erotic needs weren't even a part of the picture during that time, as sex was the LAST thing on either of our minds. I guess my point is, even though there are times in marriage where needs certainly aren't getting met (whether through choice or, as in our case, circumstance), but that still doesn't give someone carte blanche in my mind to go elsewhere looking for those needs to be fulfilled.

 

Looking back at my wedding, I think of the smiles, the happiness and the sheer naivete of my view on the vows...even at my "advanced age". Never did I think there'd come a time when either my or my husband's needs wouldn't be met. Sometimes, marriage means temporarily shelving what YOU need for the good of the marriage and the partner. It doesn't mean, "hey, the times are tough...think I'll go find myself somebody who can take care of ME." So, Lost, I'm right there with you on that one!