Im bulimic, I need people to talk to about it

[jessicarabbit]

Today I am taking a step to get better, because today I almost died from my own disease. I am going to right my entire story, its going to be kind of long I seriously need help, for those who don’t want to help me or are going to leave negative or mean comments please leave now, some of this is kind of graphic.

 

I am 21 years old, I am 5'9 and 175 lbs. My entire life I have always been a bigger girl, and when I say bigger I don’t mean "obese" I mean like when my girlfriends were a 2 I was an 8 type of thing. I played sports all the way threw high school so I was pretty much always active, but I ALWAYS had an obsession with my weight, even though it never was too out of control. When I was 17 I had a mild heart attack from a combination of Red-Line (energy drink) and diet pills, it was diagnosed at a "Caffeine Overdose". I use to take Concerta and Adderol (ADD medicine) during the day and Ambien (sleeping pills) at night to control my appetite. When I stopped playing sports, I had even more trouble managing my weight because I always have had a problem with binge eating, so about 2 years out of high school I began vomiting to loose weight. At first I was a complete maniac about loosing weight, I wasn’t drinking any alcohol, I would hardly eat (anything I did eat I would throw up), I drank coffee and smoked cigarettes all day to suppress my appetite and worked out every day I ended up loosing like 20 lbs in 2 months and I was so happy with the way I was looking. Slowly but surely I began drinking again, working out less, eating more, and throwing up several times a day. This has been going on for about a year now, I gained all the weight back that I lost; I have been eating more than I have in my entire life and I feel HORRIBLE about myself. I will eat when I am not even hungry, and I mean massive amounts of food, to the point where my stomach is in so much pain I cant even move, and I ONLY do it when I am alone and not to mention when I am drunk. Today, I was vomiting, and choked on my own vomit, I couldnt breathe... and then woke up on my bathroom floor lying in a pile of my own vomit, how I didn’t die I don’t know, but I think that was my wake up call. My parents don’t know about this, and I am terrified to tell them because they have been dealing with my drug addict brother for 15 years who just got out of jail for heroin possession, and I always tried to be the child who was normal, and its going to kill them when they find out that their son is not the only one with serious problems. I believe I need to go to rehab, I don’t know where to start, I have no money nor does my family, I don’t know if insurance will cover it. I just don’t even know what to do...and im scared.

[Island Girl]

Oh my goodness girlfriend.

 

Well, when I was in high school I went through a pretty serious bulimic bout.

 

It was my senior year that was the worst.

 

I ruptured my esophagus and at one point threw up blood for three weeks.

 

In therapy I learned it was less about weight and more about control in my life.

I got help. You can too. But you HAVE to do it for yourself.

 

Maybe you have tried to be the perfect one with no problems for so long as a coping skill it is with the bulimia that you get to make your choices and just be you - the inner you screaming to get out.

 

As a person you are entitled to make mistakes as all humans do -- but you don't give yourself that option.

I am sure your parents have NEVER sat down and told you they have enough to handle with your brother so you have to be perfect.

 

It will be harder on them if you end up dying because of this and THAT is how they find out - and they cry and cry to you telling you that you never had to be perfect for them that they love you no matter what -- and you WON'T BE ABLE TO HEAR THEM.

 

You need to hear it. And when they find out about what you have been going through, they'll need to say it.

Let them say it while you can hear it.

 

And they will help you seek assistance whether it is counseling only or in hospital treatment and counseling for a while and then counseling.

 

GET HELP. PLEASE TELL THE ONES THAT LOVE YOU.

[Sweetcheripie]

Oh sweetie, tell your parents. Right away. If they don't get you help right away then get to a doctor.

 

You are very brave and I'm proud of you for realizing you need help.

 

It must have been so scary to wake up in your own vomit. Try to remember that picture and get help now.

[Jaytb]

Seek help first of all. If you can't get help, know this: your weight is never more important than your overall health. Any drugs you're using should go. Try to limit your smoking (or try to quit if you can). Get rid of any diet pills (as you already know, they screw up your heart). Throw out any energy drinks (caffeine overdose is a real possibility with those). Try to limit your drinking, that seems to exacerbate your problems. And please, eat only as much as you need. 3 meals are enough, so I guess you should stock only as much food as you need (surrounding yourself with food would be a problem I think). And outside of meals, you should try to eat only fruits and vegetables. And lastly, don't throw up! You can do it, your looks aren't important if you're dead! But please seek help because I don't know how much any of us on the internet can help you.

[jessicarabbit]

Thanks guys I really appriciate your time, it means the world to me. Well I told my dad today, he was in absolute shock, but he was glad that I told him because he said if he were to come home and find me dead on the bathroom floor his life would have been over. We had a productive talk, I researched some eating disorder clinics, but live in rehabs are 40,000 for two months...yikes. Looks like I will have to battle this on my own unless we win the lottery, I hardly have enough money for a co-pay to see my doctor, yet alone 40,000. And also, I did quit smoking a few days ago, ive been doin good so far. I will keep you guys updated

[Island Girl]

I AM SO GLAD YOU DID THIS TODAY!!

 

I can not tell you how amazed I am that you took this step after breaking the news here just today.

 

It took me three weeks and I was throwing up blood - believing I was dying already - and I still couldn't do it day after day. Until 3 weeks later.

 

So you are amazing and wonderful! If I can do it I KNOW you can. I couldn't have done what you did in a day.

 

My heart is soaring for you and the life you now have every chance in the world to live. YAY!!!! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

[Jilly Bean]

You are a very brave and courageous young lady. And you have family who love you.

 

I suggest you contact your local hospital and/or medical plan. Explain the situation, and see what treatment they can offer at reduced or no cost.

 

Stay strong. You can do this.

[quankanne]

check with your folks' insurance company ... believe me, in the long run, it'd be in their best interest to help you now, to head this thing off at the pass, rather than try to rebuild you later when your health is just plain awful. Not trying to be a meanie-butt, just thinking about it from a practical viewpoint.

 

that said, please understand that your health is not worth risking, especially when you are so young and able to set & maintain a healthy standard of living. Size eight for someone your height sounds fantastic, and i bet you look smashing. You weren't created like those little E.T. the Extra Terrestrial girls that Hollywood likes to promote as "beautiful" ... because they're not when they're all funky skin and bones by choice. Women are meant to have curves on them, THAT is what makes them beautiful ... not the crap you see on TV or magazines, which just isn't realistic. <end rant>

 

JR, you've done the most important thing by taking that first step and admitting there's a problem. That takes a lot of cojones, and I'm incredibly proud of you. Sounds like your dad/folks are a good support system, and that they'll work with you to be at your healthy best.

 

if you can't get into rehab, check with your family doctor about scheduling regular appointments with a nutritionist. Y'all will be able to come up with a healthy game plan that'll gradually help you get back into a good eating cycle without the binging and purging part, and you'll feel better physically. If you don't mind reading, pull together some literature to help you through this, too.

 

I believe you're going to come through this with flying colors, and like the rest of the gals here, I'm here for you.

 

:love:

quank

[Lyssa]

So glad you told your father about this problem!

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[jessicarabbit]

Thanks for the support guys! Today I made an appointment with my medical doctor, I am pretty sure she knows whats going on because she always questions me about me weight flucuations EVERY time I come in. Even the lady at the rehab I spoke with said my doctor knows, she is just waiting for me to see something. Its going to be hard because I dont want her to think I have been trying to fool her, I was just embarassed. And also I was a size 8 in highschool, I wish I still was! I am a size 12 now, and the hard put for me is part of my job is putting on fashion shows, i'm around 100lb models all day and I just feel so insecure around them. Hollywood is having such a dramatic impact on girls around the world, because MANY girls my age feel the need to be that thin, even when people are telling us all the time that we look fine, that we look HEALTHY, there is still a voice inside of our heads that is OBESSED with being thin, it haunts me its so difficult to deal with.

[quankanne]

then look at it from this angle: You're representing the Real Live Woman with your size 12 body.

 

as a plus-size woman, I get frustrated and angry at seeing anorectic prepubescent ... gnats ... supposedly representing a 40-something married woman like me. I don't wear the shxt they do, nor would I want to, as most of it is demeaning.

 

however, I love looking at "healthy" women who have curves on them, who make me realize that their looks are attainable because they've got boobs and butt – the most gorgeous women out there have flesh on them, IMO, and are not ashamed of those curves.

 

I think it's fantastic that you – a non-ET model – are strutting your stuff for the Average American Woman to emulate.

 

I read a quote last night that made me think of your situation: "Be the best original you can be, not a second- or third-rate imitation of someone you aren't."

 

you've got your particular gifts and your body is one of them ... don't beat yourself up because it's not what society tells you is "right," but revel in it. It's yours to celebrate, kiddo!

 

besides, look at your own monniker for this place – didn't Jessica have gorgeous, old-school curves?

[JamesM]

Jessica, I just wanted to add that I admire your taking the step to recovery. I am not sure if the most important step taken was posting your story here or the call to the doctor or revealing it to your dad. But everyone of those took alot of courage and strength.

 

There is a long road ahead, but recovery is entirely possible and very reachable.

 

I do not say this as one who had it but as one who is married to a woman who recovered. I came into her life at about the moment she revealed her problem and sought counseling. Reading your story brought back many memories of her struggles. Hers were not based on feeling fat around thin people. Hers were a way of coping with some horrible issues in her life. Since she had no control over her body sexually due to sexual abuse, she "took control" of her weight...or so she thought. The fact is that she actually lost control of her life in the process.

 

Through counseling and hard work, she realized what caused her bulimia and what could resolve the issues behind it. She had her ups and downs, but she has conquered it.

 

This has been almost fifteen to twenty years ago.

 

Truthfully, I think any extra weight still is a problem to her, but it is not much more of a problem than any other woman deals with. She has realized that one's worth goes much deeper than one's weight and outer appearance.

 

With time and counseling, you will, too.

[jessicarabbit]

I know it was kind of unorthadox to come out about my issues on a disscussion board, but I honestly feel like if I reach out to people who have had simalar situations, and can kind of guide me threw it in a sense it helps me so much. My Dad does not understand why I do this to myself, he said this morning. He said he just doesnt get it, and that he does not know how to help me, my mom told my dad this morning that she doesnt want to have anything to do with it, because she has "too many problems" in her life right now. (my perants are divorced). I as well believe that their is defineatly a deeper root than just body image issues, I grew up in a mentally and verbally abusive family, my Dad cheated on my mom when I was 17 (real tender age for a separation) I watched my brother severely suffer from heroin and meth addictions for years (and still to this day), I allowed my good friend to get in a car with a drunk driver who ended up killing her, I witnessed my brother overdose once on my bedroom floor, the love of my life cheated on me and got another woman pregnant and now has a son, I myself have alcohol addictions...uh the list goes on. Could years of traumatic experiences have lead me to this point? Led me to being completley manic about eating?

[JamesM]

Could years of traumatic experiences have lead me to this point? Led me to being completley manic about eating?

 

Yes.

 

Bulimia is usually a symptom of something that goes much deeper.

 

Counseling will help bring this out.

[jessicarabbit]

your looks aren't important if you're dead!

 

That is very true...