asireen Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 We have been married 20 years. The sex was good till our first and only child was conceived. Then there was a rapid decline and by the fifth year of marriage it was once a month, as a wifely favor to me. Since the last 5 years it has stopped completely. I think she wanted a sperm donor and provider, and she got both. Is this how 'good' guys end up? I am now considering paying for sex by using escort/massage services.
Darth Vader Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 We have been married 20 years. The sex was good till our first and only child was conceived. Then there was a rapid decline and by the fifth year of marriage it was once a month, as a wifely favor to me. Since the last 5 years it has stopped completely. I think she wanted a sperm donor and provider, and she got both. Is this how 'good' guys end up? I am now considering paying for sex by using escort/massage services. Well, I hate to say it, but women want sex too, ya know! If she's not having sex with you, who is she having sex with? Something sounds very fishy here! Does she go out and stay out late? Anyone in particular she talks about alot? Has she been dressing all sexy, you know, revealing clothing, new sexy panties, grooms in certain areas? Am I ringing any bells here? Is she protective of her cell phone?
Author asireen Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 I doubt she has any interest in sex, with anyone. She was known as 'ice maiden' during her young days. She is the kind who believes sex is for procreation rather than recreation. She stays at home most of the time, and sleeps early as a habit. All her energies are towards raising our daughter. She spends a LOT of time on the daughter. In short, I see no evidence of behavior 'Darth Vader' mentioned.
datura_noir Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Have you brushed up on your...errr..romantic technique?? Sometimes, when a woman seems to not want sexual relations with her husband, she is really dreaming of her husband as a "bad boy", wanting him to act like he did when they were dating-instead of expecting her to perform her "wifely duties".
Author asireen Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Response to Datura Noir : Bad boy? The first time my wife and I had sex was after marriage. Before marriage it was a firm 'NO'. I did have a brief fling a few years ago with a friend, and the friend was very happy with my 'romantic technique'. This other lady still wants me to come meet her. The problem is, she lives too far away.
hopesndreams Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Response to Datura Noir : Bad boy? The first time my wife and I had sex was after marriage. Before marriage it was a firm 'NO'. I did have a brief fling a few years ago with a friend, and the friend was very happy with my 'romantic technique'. This other lady still wants me to come meet her. The problem is, she lives too far away. Did your wife find out about your past indiscretion?
Author asireen Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Reply to Hopesndreams : the wife does not know. If she does, she is not bringing it up. Everything is normal on the surface. My assessment of the situation is that she is just not interested in sex, with anybody.
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Ok, well, as things stand then, you have two choices: One, to continue with "indiscretions" and have affairs (paid-for or otherwise) and hope your wife doesn't discover your extra-marital flings. (What would happen if she did?) Two, admit this marriage is no longer giving you anything you crave - if indeed, it ever did - and tell her you feel a separation/divorce would be best, because you would prefer to be honest with her and tell her you need sexual/physical satisfaction, rather than go behind her back, risk her discovering it, and hurt her profoundly. Is she a good wife in other areas? Either way, I think the latter option would be more honest, more definite and bring things into the arena for discussion. To cheat on your wife, no matter what justification you believe you might have, is unfair and unkind.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I doubt she has any interest in sex, with anyone. She was known as 'ice maiden' during her young days. She is the kind who believes sex is for procreation rather than recreation. She stays at home most of the time, and sleeps early as a habit. All her energies are towards raising our daughter. She spends a LOT of time on the daughter. In short, I see no evidence of behavior 'Darth Vader' mentioned. So sorry for you.... But again you made your bed. 'Ice Maiden', a firm 'no' before marriage and you are surprised about her actions? How about talking to her and telling her how empty you feel and ask why she feels that way and that the two of you need MC and she need to have IC and see a Doctor. Give her an ultimatum, that you will no longer live like this, that is the only choice. As for others who say women want sex, sorry many don't, are indifferent or have "issues" about it. And many of these women do enjoy sex, have orgasms, just don't make it a priority or are interested in it. You are not alone, however as said you threw the dice when you got married and came up snake eyes...
65tr6 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I am now considering paying for sex by using escort/massage services. Before you do that, How would you rate your marriage otherwise ? Can you ask your wife to rate your marriage ? Be brutally honest with her and share with her the OP. So (one of) your top emotional need(s) is sex, what about hers ? Women, rarely initiate/enjoy/participate in sex if they are not emotionally connected. Talk to her.
65tr6 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 She spends a LOT of time on the daughter. In short, is it because she thinks you dont spend enough time with her ?
Jersey Shortie Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Could be that after the baby her body changed and she no longer feel sexually appealing. That happens to alot of women. Don't assume that she just doesn't want sex any more. Talk to her about your needs, what you have been thinking and listen to her talk about hers. You need to make sure she understands that this is a very serious issue for you. So much so that you are willing to pay someone else to have sex with you. (Please don't do that by the way behind her back).
Author asireen Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 The wife is a good as a person. When I did bring up the absence of sex in our life, she suggested masturbation. She wouldnt like it if she knew about my past or future indiscretions, but as long as I didnt tell or she didnt find out, I think it would be fine. She never asks me where I go or what I do during my travels. I would not be surprised if she would look the other way if she knew somehow. Paying for sex is not my preferred choice, but it looks like that is all I have. Divorce is out of question because of our daughter.
1Angel Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Maybe she needs to see a doctor to check her hormone levels or for depression? Those two things can cause low libido. Maybe she would be more receptive to being amorous if she got a break once in awhile from constant childcare.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 The wife is a good as a person. When I did bring up the absence of sex in our life, she suggested masturbation. She wouldnt like it if she knew about my past or future indiscretions, but as long as I didnt tell or she didnt find out, I think it would be fine. She never asks me where I go or what I do during my travels. I would not be surprised if she would look the other way if she knew somehow. Paying for sex is not my preferred choice, but it looks like that is all I have. Divorce is out of question because of our daughter. Paying for sex behind her back is really your easiest choice. You have many other options baring in mind that you really want to put the work into it. Woud you be happy with your daughter growing up to become married to a man that pays for sex behind her back? Whether you think your wife would turn the other cheek or not isn't really revelant. It doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day *you* are choosing to pay for sex behind her back and putting her own and your own sexual health at risk. As for divorce, two happy divorced parents is better then two married unhappy ones. Do you really want to give your daughter and wife a home where you are going behind your family's back to have sex with strangers? You have many other choices. More difficult ones for sure, but you do have other choices. Please don't go behind your wifes back and live a lie to your family and justify it on the fact that she isn't meeting your needs.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 The wife is a good as a person. When I did bring up the absence of sex in our life, she suggested masturbation. She wouldnt like it if she knew about my past or future indiscretions, but as long as I didnt tell or she didnt find out, I think it would be fine. She never asks me where I go or what I do during my travels. I would not be surprised if she would look the other way if she knew somehow. Paying for sex is not my preferred choice, but it looks like that is all I have. Divorce is out of question because of our daughter. Again sorry about the situation. I am always amazed that people here always blame the male and the OP and wonder what they are doing wrong in the relationship. Way too often it is the woman (predominantly) who is not interested, has no reason or excuses, the plumbing works, yet just is indifferent and then the man faces a barrage of questions as to what he is doing wrong (physically, emotionally and as a partner not pulling his weight).
Gamine Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 It sounds to me as if your wife is the girl you married. So, I have a few questions for you... Why are you surprised? Didn't you get the woman you bargained for? What are the real issues underlying her removal from your touch? Does she resent you for something that may have taken place surrounding the conception and birth of your daughter? Have you ever asked her? Work on your marriage and fix the situation before you bail and 'take care of your needs' on your own. Honestly, the very idea of that is deplorable. Make it work. Do whatever you have to, but don't rationalize that she wouldn't mind someone taking you off of her hands. Ask her permission first and if it is as you say... she'll make the appointment with the escort service for you.
HsMomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Again sorry about the situation. I am always amazed that people here always blame the male and the OP and wonder what they are doing wrong in the relationship. Way too often it is the woman (predominantly) who is not interested, has no reason or excuses, the plumbing works, yet just is indifferent and then the man faces a barrage of questions as to what he is doing wrong (physically, emotionally and as a partner not pulling his weight). Oh, TDP, let's not start the 'blame game' AGAIN. I don't think anyone is blaming the OP for anything (other than possibly wanting to lie to his wife & go out to "buy him some"). People have been making suggestions about what MIGHT be wrong... Ya know, it's often (to use your own word) men who don't feel that attractiveness to a woman anymore - especially after she has given birth. While you really seem to hate it when folks blame the man for everything, I am on the flip side of that coin & hate it when we women are overgeneralized & lumped into a very unattractive subset. I think both genders have their issues and this particular poster came here as a man with the problem of his wife not wanting sex - I've certainly seen other posts where it's the other way around. In those cases, we women are perceived as frigid, mean, demanding, unreasonable, cold fishes who are heartless and (according to one specific poster on these boards) who ALL have resentment toward our husbands. How 'bout if we agree that there are times when it could be EITHER spouse who has the issue & deal with each one individually instead of painting everyone of one gender with a broad, often not applicable, brush?
Author asireen Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Thanks to all for your feedback/suggestions. Both my wife and I know that we would have divorced a long time ago if we didnt have a child together. The child is almost 18 years old, but a divorce would be financially devastating to all concerned, and emotionally hard on our daughter. As far as working on the marriage, it has reached a point of no return and we both have accepted this marriage of convenience. I know it is immoral to go behind her back and pay for sex, but it seems the 'safest' option. An affair is sooner or later discovered.
HsMomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Thanks to all for your feedback/suggestions. Both my wife and I know that we would have divorced a long time ago if we didnt have a child together. The child is almost 18 years old, but a divorce would be financially devastating to all concerned, and emotionally hard on our daughter. As far as working on the marriage, it has reached a point of no return and we both have accepted this marriage of convenience. I know it is immoral to go behind her back and pay for sex, but it seems the 'safest' option. An affair is sooner or later discovered. What do you think she would say if you asked her about your stepping outside the marriage to meet your physical/sexual needs before you actually went behind her back & just did it?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Oh, TDP, let's not start the 'blame game' AGAIN. I don't think anyone is blaming the OP for anything (other than possibly wanting to lie to his wife & go out to "buy him some"). People have been making suggestions about what MIGHT be wrong... Ya know, it's often (to use your own word) men who don't feel that attractiveness to a woman anymore - especially after she has given birth. While you really seem to hate it when folks blame the man for everything, I am on the flip side of that coin & hate it when we women are overgeneralized & lumped into a very unattractive subset. I think both genders have their issues and this particular poster came here as a man with the problem of his wife not wanting sex - I've certainly seen other posts where it's the other way around. In those cases, we women are perceived as frigid, mean, demanding, unreasonable, cold fishes who are heartless and (according to one specific poster on these boards) who ALL have resentment toward our husbands. How 'bout if we agree that there are times when it could be EITHER spouse who has the issue & deal with each one individually instead of painting everyone of one gender with a broad, often not applicable, brush? First comments to the thread were what is he doing wrong and hat emotional needs he was not meeting and whether she was cheating on him..... So old and tired, as my response may have been. In actuality these are 2 mismatched people and he asked for it as he states her "ice queen" and "no sex" prior to marriage. Now he makes more excuses and uses an 18 year old daughter as an excuse. She is an adult and has grown up in a very unhappy household and probably will perpetuate it in her relationships (as some say a male growing in with an abusive father will). I'm saying, please no blame game. OP grow a pair and figure out what you need to be happy (and hopefully your spouse too)...
Author asireen Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 What do you think she would say if you asked her about your stepping outside the marriage to meet your physical/sexual needs before you actually went behind her back & just did it? What she does not know, it does not hurt. To keep it secret will be my responsibility, if it happens. Some friends suggested I go to Thailand for a couple of weeks. It seems it is a great sex tourist destination, and prostitution is legal over there. According to them, there are lots of 'new and different' experiences to be had. Although, for some reason they warned not to get too involved in this as it may be very addictive.
Angel1111 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I think women like this are truly the most delusional people on the planet. Do whatever makes you happy, honey - she's living in a dream world and she's lucky you're still around.
HsMomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 What she does not know, it does not hurt. To keep it secret will be my responsibility, if it happens. Some friends suggested I go to Thailand for a couple of weeks. It seems it is a great sex tourist destination, and prostitution is legal over there. According to them, there are lots of 'new and different' experiences to be had. Although, for some reason they warned not to get too involved in this as it may be very addictive. Sorry, OP, I find this statement offensive. If you are truly that unhappy that you are determined to keep secrets from her, leave the marriage - then, at least, the only person you'd have to account to would be yourself. I know you say you have a daughter, who by the way, by legal definition is now an adult...so, that's a cop-out as far as staying married. I think you've made up your mind that you're by golly gonna go out & "do your thing" with other women no matter what. Maybe, like the book/movie says, well, to paraphrase actually, "She's {the wife} just not that into you." You say she's a good person...well, you need to man up & be a good person too. If you want sex outside the marriage, get out of the marriage. Then you can have whatever woman you want without secrecy.
HsMomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 First comments to the thread were what is he doing wrong and hat emotional needs he was not meeting and whether she was cheating on him..... So old and tired, as my response may have been. In actuality these are 2 mismatched people and he asked for it as he states her "ice queen" and "no sex" prior to marriage. Now he makes more excuses and uses an 18 year old daughter as an excuse. She is an adult and has grown up in a very unhappy household and probably will perpetuate it in her relationships (as some say a male growing in with an abusive father will). I'm saying, please no blame game. OP grow a pair and figure out what you need to be happy (and hopefully your spouse too)... Amen, TDP, amen!!!!
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