trikonasana Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 So I have known this guy for about three months. We hung out a few times with groups of people, all was well and good and then we eventually started hanging out solo, which lead to him kissing me and our relationship progressing further. Despite his self acknowledged social awkwardness things have been really nice. The more I hang out with him the more I like him. We get along on a deeper level: similar lifestyles, outlooks, we can talk about philosophy, quantum theory, chemical induced defenses/responses, he can answer all my stupid biological trivia questions, he is really well-read, incredibly smart, respects and understands my research, is incredibly positive, and really helps my mental state of being. All is great here. But, first, he is 25 and has never dated someone for “very long” and he is always moving, with “one foot out the door”, his words not mine. He is incredibly honest which is great, he says he always becomes friends with people, jumps the gun, makes a move, and realizes that they would be better off as friends and has to quickly revert the relationship. Great, he is honest. We both talk about how we don’t want to/let ourselves become emotionally available and he says he could tell I was like that, and he said he doesn’t know why he is like that either, it is just hard for him. He goes on to say, “well I have never really found anyone I want to be with or think I could develop feelings for/make myself emotionally available….until well…you” and he trails off. What is this?!? He doesn’t seem like the type of guy who uses lines, but this really confused me, and I should have said something then, but I didn’t. The whole situation was nice and beautiful, just talking and being really honest and then, I didn’t clarify this comment and now I am constantly replaying it in my head. I really like this kid, could let myself get attached, but I am 1.not sure how he feels (always moving, never being in a long relationship, never really feeling a connection with anyone, paired with his social awkwardness) and 2. Know he plans on moving very soon. So, should I let myself get attached if he is going to leave? What does he want to do about “us” when he leaves? We haven’t really established any boyfriend/girlfriend status, only that we are “involved”. For the past week I have been out of town for a conference, we have texted a little bit, I called him once and the conversation was fine. He was clearly excited to talk to me, told me he would pick me up from the airport if I wanted, and urged me to get some sleep and have fun and the norm. After we got off the phone he texted me that he missed me and some conversation specific comments. One last parameter, about 3 weeks ago, he asked me if I wanted to go to Chicago with him for 4th of July if he payed for the tickets. I said sure! So we have had these plans looming, and when he gets back he is going to leave soon after. So I get back into town on Tuesday, we drive to the airport on Friday (where I will be meeting his parents nonetheless, go to Chicago where I will be meeting all his friends, how will he introduce me?!) and then come back home, only for him to leave. Sigh. He has made comments about being glad I want to move when I finish graduate school etc and glad I want to get out of our state etc, which leads me to believe he may be considering me in his plans? He also is considering staying at his school for one more semester in the fall possibly, or not, he is so whishy washy. So, when I get home I want to talk to him. But I am scared. Should I tell him how I feel? And how much? Say, I really like you/care about you/feel a deeper connection with you and I am really sad you are going to be leaving/want to know where you are going/what will come of “us”/how do you feel? Or some other permutation? What is your take on this situation? I am 23 and have been more or less single for the past 2 years after having a 4 year relationship, which a few minor (1 month max) not serious relationships since. This is the first guy I have met and really clicked with, but the fact that he maybe moving and not knowing where, paired with this uncertainly is killing me. What would you do/say? And would you do it before/after the trip to Chicago? Thanks for your time.
torranceshipman Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I think that you need to talk to him and have this conversation so you know what is going on. I think that speaking up isn't going to change a thing about how he feels about you, whatever that is, so just ask for honesty, then at least you know where you stand...
loveslife Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Talk to him when you get back before Chicago. I know it's scary but things are so unclear right now. After three months he should know if he's really into you or not. If he hedges then that will tell you all you need to know. Remember you might have to read between the lines. Being emotionally unavailable is not something you can just turn on and off at whim. If he got that way to begin with he has to face the reasons. It sounds like, from his history, he has a major case of being unavailable. And a part of the pattern for these people is to tell someone that they want to change for them. He has to want to change for himself and you have to want to refuse to get involved with someone unless they are ALREADY available. Believe me, we only pick emotionally unavailable people when we are that way ourselves.
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