chapel Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 We started dating about 2 months ago. In that short time I fell in love with this girl and am in a very hard position atm. She met up with her ex 2 days ago so that he could return a ring that was her grandmas and some clothes. I didn't mind too much but I knew that he wanted to get back with her based on how he would chat with her on myspace. (She would tell me what they talked about) Well I got off of work and went to see if she wanted to do something not really worried about the exbf. I get there and she doesn't even seem to want me there at all, I barely get a hug from her and she says she has to "figure things out" tonight. So I go home totally freaked out and have a ****ty night. The next day I go over there to take her to do laundry, and after a while I finally get out of her what she has been thinking about. She says that she is still in love with her ex, that she thought she was getting over him but seeing him just brought everything back. She says that she wants to be with me but it will be hard because she will be dealing with her emotions of her ex. She then lays down a bomb that hit me harder than I expected, saying she still loved her ex and that she doesn't love me the same way and only on the level of her friends. She was the first one to say she loved me, even though I wanted to for a long time once I felt it. I asked her if she wanted a break or space, and she said she didn't want to because it would just hurt me and leave her alone and confused. I love her with all my heart and don't know how to react. This morning she said she wanted to be alone for the day, which is fine, but because she says she is feeling bad and in pain which to me means she is still in the emotional ****s over her ex. Realizing that this morning really hit me hard and is making me wonder if we should stay together, I don't know if she will ever get over him enough to love me, and if she cant love me more than a friend then there is no future to our relationship. Should I stick it out even though it hurts me to know that anything I do will probably remind her of her ex and upset her and will just make the relationship hard or should I force a separation and go by the saying that if you let something you love free, that if it comes back it was meant to be.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Sorry to say man, but I think you should end it. She's told you she still loves her XBF and doesn't love you the same way. In these circumstances I don't see it as terribly likely that it'll change. At least not for awhile, if it does at all. Trying to fill a void in somebody's emotions concerning a previous partner is a dodgy prospect at the best of times. Even more so when that person is still in their life and they're still in love with them. By wanting you to stay because, among other reasons, she'd feel "alone and confused" if it ended, she's kind of trying to have it both ways. (And I don't mean in a manipulative or cruel sense; she sounds like she's genuinely confused and sounds like she's being honest with you.) It'll clearly suck for her if you break it off, but right now you have to put yourself first. You should be with somebody who's not still holding a candle for an ex, because you'll always (or for a long time, anyway) come second in her romantic thoughts, behind him. There isn't an easy way out in this situation, but I think you need to act in defense of your own feelings, first and foremost.
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 No, you do not want to be with someone who is still hung up on her ex. She told you she loved him, and only loved you as a friend, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you in the same aspect?
Author chapel Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 I had asked her if she could ever love me fully, and she said she would try. She even said she wants to goto counseling to help get over him. Her relationship with her ex was bad at the end and abusive. She has said she doesn't want to be with him and I believe her. I'm not worried about losing her so much as being in a relationship that might not go anywhere. When you start a relationship, there is a lot of times an imbalance of love, and sometimes it takes people more time to fall in love than others. For her its her feelings for her ex that keep her from feeling fully for me. But people go a long time without ever saying they love someone, so why should I let her go just because she doesn't match my feelings now? What if she can get past her issues and make it work?
stace79 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I had asked her if she could ever love me fully, and she said she would try. She even said she wants to goto counseling to help get over him. Her relationship with her ex was bad at the end and abusive. She has said she doesn't want to be with him and I believe her. I'm not worried about losing her so much as being in a relationship that might not go anywhere. She's going to TRY to love you fully? You've only been together two months and you already need counseling? Seriously, RUN, do not walk, away from this relationship and this girl. She is toying with her... By the way, how old are you two? Sounds like a high school relationship. When you start a relationship, there is a lot of times an imbalance of love, and sometimes it takes people more time to fall in love than others. For her its her feelings for her ex that keep her from feeling fully for me. But people go a long time without ever saying they love someone, so why should I let her go just because she doesn't match my feelings now? What if she can get past her issues and make it work? If you commit yourself to this girl, you are in for a long road of pain and misery. Trust me, I've been there. I ignored the fact that my SO was still in love with his ex. We even lived together, even though he was still talking to her on the phone all the time. He even blew off a really big event for me, and I found out later that night he had been on the phone with her all day, while saying he "couldn't make it" to my event that I had planned for months. We broke up and got back together for like three years!!! It was more often misery than happiness. If you want to be a doormat who gets no respect, stay with her. I'd hope you'd want more than that, though.
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 If she was in an abusive relationship, it takes TIME to heal from that. I know first hand. I entered into relationships too quickly after coming out of an abusive relationship. Being abused, one wants to cling on to a person for support, they need someone there. They are also very used to be treated poorly. It takes time to heal..... and she can't heal properly if having pressure on her to learn to love YOU fully, when she needs to learn to love HERSELF fully again. It would selfish of you to ask her to work on loving you when she has much to work on herself.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 But people go a long time without ever saying they love someone That may be true, but she's also told you she just sees you as a "friend". There's a range of possibility between "friends" and "I love you". She didn't choose any of those options -- she specified "friend". I think you'd be just setting yourself up for something with a highly uncertain outcome.
Author chapel Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 If she was in an abusive relationship, it takes TIME to heal from that. I know first hand. I entered into relationships too quickly after coming out of an abusive relationship. Being abused, one wants to cling on to a person for support, they need someone there. They are also very used to be treated poorly. It takes time to heal..... and she can't heal properly if having pressure on her to learn to love YOU fully, when she needs to learn to love HERSELF fully again. It would selfish of you to ask her to work on loving you when she has much to work on herself. Its not that I am expecting her to love me. Thats not what I meant. When I asked if she could ever love me fully, meaning that there could be a chance. You are right though that it would be wrong for me to expect anything from her when she has to learn to love herself first and foremost. I am only making her healing process harder. If we stay together it will only end up in pain for the both of us. If there is a chance for us to both mutually be in love with each other, it will take us being apart and her finding herself first.
Author chapel Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 So I went and talked to her about everything, how I was feeling and what she was feeling. After some discussion we decided to stay together but that for her to heal properly she will need space. We had been together almost every day for the 2 months we have been together. We have made mistakes, both of us with this relationship, but we don't not want to try. If we don't work out, I don't want it to end badly, but I think she is closer to closure than she thinks, because instead of repressing her emotions she is feeling them and talking about it. Its not very often you find someone you connect with so well you can talk to them about almost anything, specially complicated and emotional issues like what we've been facing. Who knows what will happen down the road, but at this point I'm willing to take the chance because I feel our chances of working out higher than not.
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Its not that I am expecting her to love me. Thats not what I meant. When I asked if she could ever love me fully, meaning that there could be a chance. You are right though that it would be wrong for me to expect anything from her when she has to learn to love herself first and foremost. I am only making her healing process harder. If we stay together it will only end up in pain for the both of us. If there is a chance for us to both mutually be in love with each other, it will take us being apart and her finding herself first. TO.... So I went and talked to her about everything, how I was feeling and what she was feeling. After some discussion we decided to stay together but that for her to heal properly she will need space. We had been together almost every day for the 2 months we have been together. We have made mistakes, both of us with this relationship, but we don't not want to try. If we don't work out, I don't want it to end badly, but I think she is closer to closure than she thinks, because instead of repressing her emotions she is feeling them and talking about it. Its not very often you find someone you connect with so well you can talk to them about almost anything, specially complicated and emotional issues like what we've been facing. Who knows what will happen down the road, but at this point I'm willing to take the chance because I feel our chances of working out higher than not. I knew this would happen.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Chapel, speaking from your girlfriend's position, I say end it. This is just prolonging something that's not that great. You're going to end up hurt. I can relate to her situation. And just trust me - let her go.
ai75 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Chapel - you are receiving a lot of good advice here from people who (this may be wrong to do but) I assume are older and more experienced than you... none of it involves staying in this relationship. Fundamental law - baggage from a previous relationship will prevent any new relationship from succeeding... just look at yours dude, its only been 2 months. You mention she needs to love herself first. So do you my friend. By waiting around for someone who has told you "I'm still in love with my ex" and "I only love you as a friend"... one more time "I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH MY EX" and "I ONLY LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND". Dude! love yourself and leave, find someone who is ready to love you! You are humiliating yourself. I've done it myself my man, once its over for good you will not feel so great about sticking around like a fool. If you are still determined that she's "the one". Go ghost on her... leave... no contact. If its meant to be, she'll miss you so much that she chases you down, at which point you demand that she stop talking to her ex because it is disrespectful to you and the relationship you have with her, then move on. Ideally, you will never go back to her. Truth is you are a REBOUND bro, you're only there to fill the void left by the ex... sad but true. There's a James Brown song called "Papa Don't Take No Mess"... and James Brown was a bad ass. I remember one of those boy band songs that went something like "don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love me"... and boy bands are NOT AWESOME. Your pick chapel, your destiny. Choose wisely.
torranceshipman Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Brilliant advice - I totally second all of it! She's not interested, and I think she probably agreed to the 'space' to let you down gently, as you're clearly still hurting a lot and she feels bad about that. After 2 months you should still be in the honeymoon period...not with a world of emotional crap and 'i dont love you but I still love my ex' flying around!! And she doesn't need counselling to learn how to love another person again - her feelings for her ex aren't what are stopping her falling for you. She's just not interested in you that way. So if she is not into you, you need to say to her, hey, I've reconsidered and I think this should be over, and lets go NC for a while as thats the healthiest way of breaking up. Please don't humiliate yourself by hanging on to anything you can get from her, in the hope that eventually she'll change her mind - that's no good for you or for her and it'll only end up in you getting more hurt. Good luck!
lino Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 seems to me like she's just using you as an emotional support. I'd bet that as soon as she meets someone who makes her feel like her ex did she'll leave you and not look back. It's often happened to me
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