ratingsguy Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Hi everyone, Been dating my girl for 4 months now. We made love Thursday night and in the middle she began to cry. We've been intimate for some time now, so it wasn't our first time. I asked what was wrong and she said nothing... but I wiped her tears off and I stopped making love to her, but she told me not to stop. I asked her afterwards if they were tears of joy and she said yes... which made sense since she wanted to keep having sex at that moment. The next day while dining out, she confessed to me that she had a flashback to something bad that happened to her sexually. She brought up the topic, so I asked her what happened. She then said that she didn't want to talk about it. She assured me that it wasn't anything that I did, but for whatever reason she started thinking about it. I tried not to press the issue since she said she didn't want to talk about it, but I was curious, so I dropped it. The following day, I asked her if she was sure I didn't do anything to conjure up this awful memory... whatever it was. She said again no, and I was hoping she'd elaborate on what happened since we were not in public this time, but no such luck. So I asked her again (thinking that since we were not in public she would open up to me... she's been pretty open about a lot of things), but again she said she didn't want to talk about it. I told her she could tell me anything and it wouldn't change my opinion about her, but she got a little irritated and again said she didn't want to talk about it and asked if we could talk about something happy. So I dropped it again and changed the topic. Wise move I think. Despite all that, I'm still very curious to know what happened. There haven't been any sexual issues in our relationship and our sex life is as healthy as anyone elses I would imagine. I'm sure eventually she'll tell me what happened to her, but what do I do in the meantime? How do I stop obsessing about this? The curiousity is driving me nuts.
2sure Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 It is possible she has been the victim of a crime or abuse and at times has trouble putting it behind her...yet isnt ready to talk about it. Dont bring it up again. Its possible the relationship is still too new for her to feel comfortable discussing it with you. If you want to make her more comfortable, simply tell her: Whenever she is ready.
loveslife Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 It is possible she has been the victim of a crime or abuse and at times has trouble putting it behind her...yet isnt ready to talk about it. Dont bring it up again. Its possible the relationship is still too new for her to feel comfortable discussing it with you. If you want to make her more comfortable, simply tell her: Whenever she is ready. I agree with 2sure. It sounds like there was some issue with perhaps date rape or some type of sexual assault. Don't push her. Leave it and let her tell you when she's ready. Drop it for now.
JohnnyBlaze Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 2Sure's probably right as to what happened. Just enjoy the fact that she wants to have sex with you in spite of her past. She's not looking for your sympathy here, so don't push the issue. Right now, she just wants to be loved and to see sex as a pleasurable event. As you said, when she's ready, she'll tell you more. But not before then. If you try and push the issue, all you'll end up doing is pushing her away. So just treat her the same way you did before; as the chick you're crazy about.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 There's another possibility, just thought I'd put it out there. (Apologies to any of the female posters if I'm off base or just plain wrong...) You guys have been dating for 4 months, presumably having sex for most of that time. So you've probably done it on many occasions in that time. I'm going on the assumption that she'd never done something like that (i.e. cried during sex) before Thursday. If she'd been through something traumatic like sexual assault, I'm a bit surprised that it hadn't manifested sooner with respect to your mutual sex life. (That's the part I could be off-base about... I have no idea how a past sexual assault can affect a woman's emotions.) It also strikes me as a bit odd that she got irritated when you asked her about it, in what seemed like a caring and loving way. Is it possible that she slept with somebody else recently, and is feeling guilty about it? And was therefore being defensive? More than ten years ago, XW and I were on the first night of our honeymoon. (We'd gotten married earlier that day.) She started crying right in the middle of sex. She'd never done so before, so I was pretty surprised. She insisted that it was because of the pent-up emotion of the day. The explanation seemed pretty reasonable, so I let it go (though in my mind's eye, the look on her face looked more like sadness than anything else). Never happened again. Seven years later, she sat me down and told me that she'd had massive doubts when we got married, and that she'd cheated during the engagement and again shortly after the marriage (and again after that). The look on her face that night wasn't a release of pent-up emotion; it was a look of "oh fyck, what have I just done". I hope I'm totally wrong in this case, buddy... but it's possible. Give it a bit of consideration. That's all I'm sayin'.
whichwayisup Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Assume that she had a very bad experience. Don't push and don't ask her anymore questions because this has to come out when she feels comfortable discussing it with you.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 It's quite common for a victim of a sexual assault to feel "broken" or "damaged." Continuing to bring it up may give her the impression that you're worried about her being tainted, or something. Drop it. Don't ever bring it up again. When she's ready, she'll tell you. At that point you can realize that you guys are at a beautiful place in your relationship - that she was able to open up like that about something obviously so painful. You stop obsessing by telling yourself that you're respecting her feelings by not pressing her about it. And if it comes up again during sex - that she starts crying - just hold her and be there for her. But if you continue to press her about it, it may get to the point where she starts to think about it EVERY time you guys have sex. She's a person outside of her bad experience - honor that. I fully disagree with reservoir dog. In a lot of cases, victims of sexual assault do a good job of repressing the memory and associated feelings. Just like I can think about a painful experience in my life and see it objectively - with no feeling involved - or I can really FEEL how I felt then. Two different types of recall. Don't immediately assume she cheated on you. That's going to bring up suspicion that's not warranted. You'll pull away, she'll think it's because she told you she had been sexually assaulted, she'll push further away....etc. Very bad. Take her word. She's not given you a reason to doubt her, has she?
sugarmomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 He could have been giving it to her so good that she cried but didn't want him to know that was the reason. I don't think the crying was de to a crime against her. I've cried from good lovemaking before:D I wouldn't sweat it. If its something serious over time when she really trusts you, she'll tell you. In the meantime try to be positive in your thinking about it.
BlueEyedGirl Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I have cried during sex when I was doing it with someone I wasn't in love with and but was in love with someone else who I couldn't have. It was like "Oh this guy is soo nice and good and perfect for me but I don't feel anything for him, I just desparetly wish I was with ----. Oh God why am I so screwed up??"
SBG04 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Similar thing happened to me. She broke into tears mid way through. When I asked her what was wrong she just said "don't ever leave me" and continued the act with her hugging so tightly. This was only about 5 weeks into the relationship. It was later in the relationship (about 5 months after) that I found she had been a victim in the past. Unsure if the two had something to do with each other, but I'm sure there is an emotional link which the act of sex must bring up. She clearly wants to tell you, she will do so in her own time and way. All you can do is make sure she has your support in anything which she tells you. Good luck.
Author ratingsguy Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Thanks everyone for your advice. I know she's being faithful to me, so that's not the issue. Although BlueEyedGirl brings up something interesting. Her ex dumped her over a year ago, and she still does talk about him and has told me that she still loves him. But he's on the other side of the planet, so I know nothing's going on, and I trust her on top of that. I really do think she was a victim of some type of sexual crime, especially considering that she pretty much said that something bad happened "to her" sexually at some point in her past, but wouldn't elaborate more than that. I guess the best thing I can do is try to put it out of my mind and wait for her to tell me. After all, she did open the door slightly by mentioning that something happened. I don't plan to bring it up ever again. Other than wanting to murder the guy who did something to her, my feelings for my girlfriend wouldn't change one bit. I think she understands that, but like some have said, it still is early in the relationship.
loveslife Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I think you're doing the right thing. It's impossible to know what's going through her mind. Could be any of a million things. Just give her good love and that's the best you can do right now. If it were me I think it'd be really hard to discuss because 1. I wouldn't want you to look at me differently; and 2. I wouldn't want you to be burdened. But all we can do is speculate. I'm glad you're going to drop it. Just show her that she can count on you.
Author ratingsguy Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Hi everyone, Well it's happened again... only this time, much worse. Saturday night we began having sex. I told her that I wanted her on top... something we haven't done in a while, but while she was reluctant because she didn't think she was "good on top" she agreed. Before we started, she told me she was "afraid" which I found kind of strange, but I told her that there was nothing to be afraid of. We began having sex with her on top, but within seconds, she began to cry. She got off me and really started balling. Then started shaking and hyperventilating at the same time. It was really scary. I tried to hold her and tell her everything was ok, but she pushed me away. She assured me it wasn't anything I did, but through all the crying, shaking, and hyperventilating she told me that something really bad happened to her several years ago and she didn't remember everything. Again, just like last time, she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that I wanted to help her and she said that I couldn't help her. It pains me to see her this way and I'm still not sure what to do. Part of me is saying keep giving her time and let her open up to me when she's ready, but another part of me is saying to get to the bottom of this now. I talked with a friend of mine who was a victim of rape and does some rape counseling. Her suspicion is that she is a rape victim and didn't get the proper counseling after whatever happened to her happened. She thinks I should bring her some pamphlets about counseling and try to get her to think about it, but how can I do that if I don't even know what happened? I really want her to address this so she can get this pain out of her life, but you can't help someone who doesn't want the help and won't even tell you what's wrong. It's been a month since the first incident. Do I continue to drop it and wait for her to open up more to me? Considering recent events, what do I do?
loveslife Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I really want her to address this so she can get this pain out of her life, but you can't help someone who doesn't want the help and won't even tell you what's wrong. It's been a month since the first incident. Do I continue to drop it and wait for her to open up more to me? Considering recent events, what do I do? Geez, this sounds way beyond the scope of something you should look to get answered on a dating bulletin board. Talk to your friend the counselor about what to do next.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Could your friend talk to her? Not outright say to her, "So I hear what's been going on with you and RG." Before anyone on this board suggests that's what I'm saying. Somebody that has BEEN there and knows what it feels like might know how to befriend your GF and get to the point where she (the counselor friend) could share her own personal story with your GF and maybe get her to open up to your friend. That's not to say she'll ever necessarily open up to you - but at least she can maybe get a dialogue going with someone that would understand. Or maybe suggest to your GF that you have a friend that has been there and is a rape counselor - let your GF know you are REALLY concerned, you don't like seeing her hurting like this. Maybe someone on here that has been through this would know the best route - get the friend to approach, or the GF to approach?
Recommended Posts