Everglow Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 My ex and I broke up a month ago - we had been dating for almost 3 years. Before the breakup, we took a two week period to think things through, but then sadly, the breakup was his decision. He said he is too hurt by what happened between us (fights, arguments, and disagreements on how to raise kids for example). He told me that his heart is cracked and closed for now, and that what he needs to focus on right now is buy himself a house and rebuild his life alone with his kids. (He has two kids from a previous marriage). The thing is, he doesn't want to shut me out of his life completely, he wants us to remain friends and still talk to one another. The breakup was quite painful - definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through, but it ended very well and it was amicable and calm - we were really able to talk about our feelings, etc. It was actually pleasant for a breakup, definitely a first for me. During our last discussion, I told him that I agree we both need to take time out for ourselves and take care of ourselves individually. I also told him that I want him to be happy and that I want him to enjoy being with his kids and taking care of them as he wishes. I also told him that I understand and accept his decision, but that at the same time I still think it's possible to work things out and that maybe spending some time apart we'll find each other again one day. Following my last sentence, he told me that if he realizes he's made a mistake, that he would be man enough to tell me and that he'd be able to come back to me - he swore that on his kids. He also said that in life there are no guarantees and that he doesn't want me to stay hung up on him, that he wants me to take care of myself too and try to move on. I told him to not worry about me, that I AM taking care of myself and working on some realizations that I saw about myself, but that I still have hope for us. You see, we did have problems but they aren't things that can't be fixed ... I strongly believe that with a couple of months or even a year between us that we could get back together ... but that's me. He said that we'd see but that in the meantime that is what he needs to do and I have to move on as well - that again there are no guarantees, but that time will tell. In closing, he asked me if during the two week break we took to think about things before he made it official to breakup, if I gave any thought to marriage and kids with him. I told him that if it happens it happens and if it doesn't -- then as long as we're happy together (this is true). I believe he asked me that because often marriage and kids were subjects he and I had talked about in the past a lot, and it was something we both wanted -- maybe with all the fights he got scared by that and realized that maybe it's too soon or he's not sure if he can give me that anymore. Now my question is: If he is breaking up with me, why did he ask me about my thoughts on marriage and kids towards him? Can you explain to me from your perspective what this means? Could this mean he might be considering getting back together one day? Why did he ask me that if we are breaking up? Also, we work in the same office but in different departments. I noticed in his office that he took out 2 photos of us from the frames on his desk, but that he still has a picture of the two of us on his cubicle wall panel next to the one of his kids. What does this mean? Does this mean that he is still considering our relationship, or that he simply forgot to take the picture down? I mean, you can see it when you walk into his office … so it's not like he doesn't know it's there. Since he was taking the other 2 pictures down, shouldn't he have taken down that one as well? I really need your help on this one, as I am quite confused. Do you see these things as signs that he still loves me and wants things to work out in time … or does it mean something completely different? Please help … I would appreciate your advice and guidance. Thank you,
NiceGuy4Ever Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 This, in my opinion, could mean a couple of things. One, he still has feelings for you and hope you can both get back together (this is normal during the break up phase as I am sure you know). He might have flung that question in order to see if that if you'd get back together you'd make a certain commitment (i.e. children marriage) to be with him. He was also trying to see your position on it with him and seeing if you both truly could have a certain future. The reason he probably asked you this before you broke up is he just wanted one last piece of knowledge to see if maybe there was hope, whether he got this idk but it's what I think he was thinking. This is all speculation of course but that's what I think.
Author Everglow Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 The thing is, we talked about marriage and kids a lot in the past and its something both of us really wanted with one another. We actually made plans and had visions about how it would be, what we would do, etc. I think perhaps with all the fights and disagreements we had during our relationship, it may have scared him about committing to both of those things with me. He had been previously married for almost 5 years. But he always said he wanted those things with me ... could it be that fear has crept into him and made him unsure ... could he have felt pressure? I asked him during one of our talks about that, and he said that he's not sure he can give me that if it's truly what I want. He's not saying he WON'T EVER give me that, but that for now he's not sure and if that's what I really need then I have to think about that as well on my side. That if it's really what I need in life, then that maybe he's not the guy for me. I told him that marriage and kids are not an obligation. Sure it would be nice if both happen, but that what's really important is that we are happy at the end of the day together ... that other stuff is all extra. But then, the night of our official breakup he asked me if during our "thinking period" I had given any thought to marriage and kids towards him. Do you think he wanted to know the answer because he wants to see if it's an absolute necessity for me, or could it have been for another reason? Could it be because he's not sure about his decision to break up but that he still needs to go ahead with it and maybe eventually he'll change his mind? Do you think that it's possible that we could have another chance? To my answer about marriage and kids he replied OK and that was the end of our talk. What do you think?
Cattery Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 He may be feeling that the best thing to do is move on and try to find a relationship with less compromise while simultaneously feeling very strongly for you. In my opinion, he may still be open to the option of being with you, but it takes a whole lot longer than two weeks to truly gain some perspective on a situation involving children and your life path. I mutually broke up with a long-term boyfriend that I also worked with (in the same room, in the same office -- we were both upper-level management). It was a reasonably civil breakup and we did our best to stay friends for the sake of the work relationship and because we felt we had the capacity to be great pals. A photo of me in his bedroom remained, but he covered up my face with a birthday card I had given him... Truthfully, we both wanted and needed to move on but found it nearly impossible since we worked together. We had a very weird half-relationship for a year because we saw each other so frequently and couldn't move forward. We basically had all the trappings of a relationship (monogamy, spending most of our time together, etc.), but weren't "together" or working toward the common goal of a real, committed relationship. Of course, this brought on all the horrible gnawing curiosity and frustration that sleeping with someone (even exclusively) who isn't your boyfriend/girlfriend can bring. I felt strung along by the open-endedness of the situation, got sick of feeling broken and expectant all the time and found another job. Went NC. It was only then that I got the distance and perspective that I had needed for over a year. We are not right for each other. No "right" relationship would involve the amount of fighting and disagreeing we did. I was too busy mourning my loss and dealing with the failed relationship's blow to my ego to see these facts until I had many, many months to think about reality without his daily presence and influence. And lordy, my stress levels and happiness returned to much healthier levels once I cut him out of my life. It wasn't that he was a bad person, but we were both trying to force mismatched puzzle pieces to fit because of proximity and so we didn't feel that all the time we had spent trying to build a good relationship was a waste. What I also forgot a lot during all of this was that it was painful for him, too. From the sound of your situation, he may know in his heart that the relationship would involve more compromise than he is willing to make (even though he does love you dearly). If you really love him and want the best for him (not just to have him stay in your life to make you feel better), the sensible route is probably to give him all the time and space he needs. He needs to be away from the fighting and disagreements between you so he can take a breath and make the right move. If you love him, you will want what is best for him and his children, even if it doesn't involve you. Take care of yourself and heal; try not to worry too much about him or try to analyze or control his actions. It will only prolong your healing.
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