door-mat Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 my boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years, we have 1 child i love him very much but he wont marry me, i dont know wat to do as this makes me very unhappy. he has been married before so i know he believes in marriage, perhaps he does not believe in us!!! i can not talk to him about it because he gets angry or laughs at me please help.
Lyssa Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 For your relationship to work, you have to talk to him.
Ronni_W Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 The fact that he's been married before only proves that he USED TO believe in marriage. Or. It proves that he got married because he was "at that age" and "everyone else was doing it"...without him really wondering how he felt about all of it and what marriage actually meant to him. My b/f was married before but, due to a crappy divorce, he's not so keen on that whole institution now. From the way he treats me and smiles at me, I know it has nothing at all to do with whether or not he loves me or believes in "us". At the same time, though, I'm not particularly interested in getting married. How does your guy treat you and smile at you? (Are there issues that need to be resolved between the two of you? That can make marriage seem less desirable, especially for someone who's already been through a divorce, especially if it was crappy/hostile.)
Author door-mat Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 we get along fantastic, he is wonderful! this is my problem, i read the other posts and everyone seems to think oh no commitment then leave! but i dont want to leave him i love him and i know he loves me. it isnt a huge issue really, but it is upsetting to me. its not about a big wedding or any of the norm things i just feel it would complete our family really. perhaps it is daft and i need to forget it but it goes round and round in my head.
PhoenixRise Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Door-mat I think the fact that you chose this as your nickname says it all. Stop being a door mat. You need to take some time and think seriously and honestly about what you want for your life. You bf has made some decisions about what HE wants/dosent want. You need to do the same. If you can be happy, fulfilled, and content living with your bf forever without being married then fine. Do that. Be happy with what you have and don't live your life in expectation that he will change his mind. BUT If you know you want to be married, be honest with yourself about that. You already have 1 child together. Are you ok raising a child together with a man who won't marry you. Don't expect him to change. He doesn't want to get married. Don't think if you can wait him out and eventually he will change his mind. He may NEVER want to get married. YOU have to make decisions about what YOU want for your life. IF you are currently living with your bf and are building a life and a household with him why SHOULD he marry you? Is he getting everything HE wants without the commitment of marriage?
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 You could point out to him that marriage would give you both a social and financial security that simply living together doesn't give. Your daughter is born out of wedlock, which is not a problem in itself, as things stand - but you never know what financial hurdles that could present in the future. Your taxes and pensions need addressing, too.... If he dies when you get older, who's going to ensure your financial security?
quankanne Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 tara's got some really good points. Even if he's decided that marriage isn't for him, he might look at it differently when he realizes just how vulnerable your little one might be without the benefit of being a child of marriage. Not sure how to go about finding things to support this theory, but I'm sure they are there!
asireen Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 PhoenixRise is correct. He is getting what he wants without marriage. If you dont give him sex, he will leave you in a New York minute. For most men, it is not difficult to move on .. and pretty quickly. He also knows it is difficult for you to get another guy, since you already have baggage. A single mother is not an attractive proposition for men, except for sex. Just make sure the welfare of the child is well looked after till it is 18 years old and the child has both parents involved in its life.
HER PRISONER Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 u have been 2gether for 6 years so he abslutely loves u .. but u should find out u doesnt he want to marry u .. maybe there was a secret in his first realationship
Lauriebell82 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 It seems that he is committed to you or else he would have left by now. I can understand your frustration, I went through the same thing with my fiance. I'd have to say that he may be getting annoyed/feeling pressure that you keep bringing it up (I know my fiance did) which may be cause for his hesistation. That being said, 6 years is a long time AND you have a kid. How old is your child? I'm sure you want her/him to have married parents. I think you've tried to talk to him and you are saying he isn't responding. If you are serious about staying with him then lay off the marriage talk. Take it off the table right now (in your own head). I don't know if I neccessarily believe the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" crap. I lived with my fiance for a year before he proposed and he had always planned to do so. You have to decide whether being with him is worth taking marriage off the table for now. Oh, and do you know what happened with his divorce? Maybe if it was a nasty divorce he is a little gunshy and doesn't want a repeat of that.
losingpatients Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 hi im new to this thread. I am a 31 year old fit and healthy woman who has been in a relationship for 3 years. My partner is good looking and caring and we have been engaged for 2.5 years. Thiing is im growing very inpatient of waiting to set the date. To cut a long story short we bought a house (shell) 2 years ago to so up and sell to try to make a bit of money. Its costing a fortune and the mess is driving me crazy. We get on very well and 2 years ago we kind of set a date but hen he pulled out. Then the next year we booked and paid for the venue..then we cancelled ( ihad been ill and off work so money was a bit tight) so then told him im not waiting much longer! He then siad we cant afford the moneyf or getting married so i found a way of getting married much cheaper!! He still wont even look into it. He is trying to say that the house is too much so lets get the house done first, but the house is going to take ages yet.i brought home a load of brochures for weddings abroad and we can get hitched, hassle free for 3000 pound!! I ws so shocked and got very excited but he wont even look into it yet? then last ight he said why dont we try to book for 2011...Moral of story is every year its put off till the nest year and now hes on about 2011??? i wil be 33/34. Plus i have fertility probs and will need helo getting pregnant so im not being strung out till my late 30's when i realy dont have much chance then. All my friends and family either have kids or getting/got married. Recently i just seen photos of a couple getting married abroad and they look gorgeous and so happy. WHY cant i have this...its all iwant. I had a cancer scare a couple of years ago so maybe thats why im burning to get married. I threw the brochures in the bin last night and took my ring off as im sick of being post-poned!! Ive toldhim that untill the wedding is booked im not wearing a ring as we are not really engaged with no pending wedding. There is alot more to this but ihope im giving general idea..am i being a spoilt bratt or do i have the right to moan that i dont wanna be a late 30's bride. I dont mean to offend anyone by syaing this its just my wish to marry now and have a family before 35, im not saying were past it. Can someone helo me calm down as i fear imay walk!!! x x
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 i can not talk to him about it because he gets angry or laughs at me please help. So he completely devalues you and doesn't acknowledge your feelings or take them seriously at all. OH MY!! YOU have to make decisions about what YOU want for your life. IF you are currently living with your bf and are building a life and a household with him why SHOULD he marry you? Is he getting everything HE wants without the commitment of marriage? All of what PhoenixRise said but especially the above quote. You could point out to him that marriage would give you both a social and financial security that simply living together doesn't give. Your daughter is born out of wedlock, which is not a problem in itself, as things stand - but you never know what financial hurdles that could present in the future. Your taxes and pensions need addressing, too.... If he dies when you get older, who's going to ensure your financial security? And TaraMaiden has some very good points here as well.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 hi im new to this thread. I am a 31 year old fit and healthy woman who has been in a relationship for 3 years. My partner is good looking and caring and we have been engaged for 2.5 years. Thiing is im growing very inpatient of waiting to set the date. To cut a long story short we bought a house (shell) 2 years ago to so up and sell to try to make a bit of money. Its costing a fortune and the mess is driving me crazy. We get on very well and 2 years ago we kind of set a date but hen he pulled out. Then the next year we booked and paid for the venue..then we cancelled ( ihad been ill and off work so money was a bit tight) so then told him im not waiting much longer! He then siad we cant afford the moneyf or getting married so i found a way of getting married much cheaper!! He still wont even look into it. He is trying to say that the house is too much so lets get the house done first, but the house is going to take ages yet.i brought home a load of brochures for weddings abroad and we can get hitched, hassle free for 3000 pound!! I ws so shocked and got very excited but he wont even look into it yet? then last ight he said why dont we try to book for 2011...Moral of story is every year its put off till the nest year and now hes on about 2011??? i wil be 33/34. Plus i have fertility probs and will need helo getting pregnant so im not being strung out till my late 30's when i realy dont have much chance then. All my friends and family either have kids or getting/got married. Recently i just seen photos of a couple getting married abroad and they look gorgeous and so happy. WHY cant i have this...its all iwant. I had a cancer scare a couple of years ago so maybe thats why im burning to get married. I threw the brochures in the bin last night and took my ring off as im sick of being post-poned!! Ive toldhim that untill the wedding is booked im not wearing a ring as we are not really engaged with no pending wedding. There is alot more to this but ihope im giving general idea..am i being a spoilt bratt or do i have the right to moan that i dont wanna be a late 30's bride. I dont mean to offend anyone by syaing this its just my wish to marry now and have a family before 35, im not saying were past it. Can someone helo me calm down as i fear imay walk!!! x x I suggest you start your own thread, this is someone else's. You'll get more responses if it's just about you.
HsMomma Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 PhoenixRise is correct. He is getting what he wants without marriage. If you dont give him sex, he will leave you in a New York minute. For most men, it is not difficult to move on .. and pretty quickly. He also knows it is difficult for you to get another guy, since you already have baggage. A single mother is not an attractive proposition for men, except for sex. Just make sure the welfare of the child is well looked after till it is 18 years old and the child has both parents involved in its life. Wow, asireen, I simply cannot BEGIN to tell you how truly offensive I find that part of your post!!! When I divorced my xWH, my daughter was 4. First, I never considered her "baggage" - and if anyone else had ever referred to her as such, I might've had to inflict some sort of bodily injury on them. Secondly, REAL men look at the woman herself - yes, I was a single mother & made it very clear to my now husband (who, by the way, pursued me from just a few months after my divorce) that my daughter & I were a package deal. My h & I were NOT intimate sexually for a LONG time & I didn't introduce him to my daughter until I was sure he would be around in her life. We've now been married for 10+ years. Maybe in your world single mothers are good for nothing but sex, but in MY world, we are just as worthy of respect, love and caring as any other woman. Shame on you!
boogieboy Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 You could point out to him that marriage would give you both a social and financial security that simply living together doesn't give. Your daughter is born out of wedlock, which is not a problem in itself, as things stand - but you never know what financial hurdles that could present in the future. Your taxes and pensions need addressing, too.... If he dies when you get older, who's going to ensure your financial security? This is EXACTLY why he doesnt want to get married. He knows divorce would break him financially. The court systems are cookie cutter and he doesnt want to get stripped of everything. You got the guy you love, you dont need marriage. Just be happy you got each other. Maybe in your world single mothers are good for nothing but sex, but in MY world, we are just as worthy of respect, love and caring as any other woman. Single mothers absolutely deserve respect, but I avoid them like the plague.
HsMomma Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Single mothers absolutely deserve respect, but I avoid them like the plague. And that, boogieboy, is most certainly your right. I can easily understand how difficult it can be for a man to take on a woman AND a child who's already in the picture. What I took offense at was the phrasing that "A single mother is not an attractive proposition for men, except for sex." OP, I think it all comes down to whether being married to him is a deal breaker for you. If you, as an earlier poster said, can live with him without benefit of marriage, build a life with him and your child and be happy, then I say go for it. If not...well, you need to make sure he understands just how important it is to you for y'all to get married.
Author door-mat Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I must admit i find it incredibly rude to think that any one could think of a child as baggage. And would inflict a great deal of harm to any one who refers to my child as that, but i how ever dont think it is the woman having a child that the men dont like i believe they hate the fact that the woman has something more precious to them than the man himself or the relationship they are in. although my situation remains the same i really appreciate all the comments, what makes it difficult is that i agee with all of it!!!! I want to stay and think well I am happy, which is more than some people have, but on the other hand it is something that i really want, so do I leave and tear my family apart or stay and get used to the fact that i will not ever marry him. It is not a question i can seem to answer as one day to the next i feel different about it. I love my partner and could not give him an ultimatum as i fear that if i corner him he would run even if that was not really what he wanted, Am i ever going to solve this problem???
theBrokenMuse Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 since you already have baggage. A single mother is not an attractive proposition for men, except for sex. I don't know how old you are but what you wrote here is so fundamentally wrong, that I don't even know where to begin. Almost every I have been friends with (and many of my relatives) have remarried as single parents. Some of which have even taken on the natural fathers in court and wracked up huge debts in order to adopt their step-children that they love. Blended families have become a part of the norm. Where the hell did you even come up with such a ridiculous assumption that *the average* or *most* men feel this way? If that were the case, there wouldn't be so many men desperate to woo my friend that's divorcing AND her kids.
asireen Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I love my partner and could not give him an ultimatum as i fear that if i corner him he would run even if that was not really what he wanted It looks like you want him more than he wants you. And he knows that. The relationship is clearly tilted in his favor. Whatever the outcome, try to ensure both parents remain involved in the child's life. Single parenthood, although not ideal, is a fact of life today, so the second best thing would be to give the child the benefit of loving parents, preferably biological.
PhoenixRise Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I must admit i find it incredibly rude to think that any one could think of a child as baggage. And would inflict a great deal of harm to any one who refers to my child as that, but i how ever dont think it is the woman having a child that the men dont like i believe they hate the fact that the woman has something more precious to them than the man himself or the relationship they are in. although my situation remains the same i really appreciate all the comments, what makes it difficult is that i agee with all of it!!!! I want to stay and think well I am happy, which is more than some people have, but on the other hand it is something that i really want, so do I leave and tear my family apart or stay and get used to the fact that i will not ever marry him. It is not a question i can seem to answer as one day to the next i feel different about it. I love my partner and could not give him an ultimatum as i fear that if i corner him he would run even if that was not really what he wanted, Am i ever going to solve this problem??? As long as you are afraid to lose him you will not solve the problem. He knows you are not going anywhere so he knows he can have everything just as he likes it. Just make sure you don't wake up 5-10 years from now regretting that you never got married and blaming him for it. You are chosing to stay with a man who you know doesn't want to get married.
LakesideDream Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 When I was first divorced (2001) for a couple of years it seemed the only women that were "available" to date were in their mid forties (5-8 years younger) with 10-15 year old children. In the three dating relationships I had with "single moms" the kids were beyond belief. Badly behaved, rude, even aggressive. I was extremely careful not to interfere in their family dynamics. Excusing myself, literally leaving the room, or leaving altogether when there were sqabbles between children, or mother and children. I was aware that I was an alien in their household and had no part in their troubles. I thought I understood that children that age, in a divorced family situation would have problems. Having raised my own children I wasn't "inexperianced" with 10-15 year olds. In each case it became clear after a few months that the grief wasn't worth the effort. Becoming a step, living in an uncomfortable situation, and supporting, even in part the youngish urchins wasn't worth the effort. It wasn't the childrens fault either. They were being themselves. Part of that "themselves" didn't include an interloper joining their family in an intimate relationship with their custodial parent. While I wouldn't refer to them as "baggage" they were the reasons that I backed out of those budding relationships. Children from previous relationships must be considered, and depending on the children can be "deal breakers" to believe, or claim it otherwise does not seem realistic. At least from my point of view.
Lucky_One Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 hi im new to this thread. I am a 31 year old fit and healthy woman who has been in a relationship for 3 years. My partner is good looking and caring and we have been engaged for 2.5 years. Thiing is im growing very inpatient of waiting to set the date. To cut a long story short we bought a house (shell) 2 years ago to so up and sell to try to make a bit of money. Its costing a fortune and the mess is driving me crazy. We get on very well and 2 years ago we kind of set a date but hen he pulled out. Then the next year we booked and paid for the venue..then we cancelled ( ihad been ill and off work so money was a bit tight) so then told him im not waiting much longer! He then siad we cant afford the moneyf or getting married so i found a way of getting married much cheaper!! He still wont even look into it. He is trying to say that the house is too much so lets get the house done first, but the house is going to take ages yet.i brought home a load of brochures for weddings abroad and we can get hitched, hassle free for 3000 pound!! I ws so shocked and got very excited but he wont even look into it yet? then last ight he said why dont we try to book for 2011...Moral of story is every year its put off till the nest year and now hes on about 2011??? i wil be 33/34. Plus i have fertility probs and will need helo getting pregnant so im not being strung out till my late 30's when i realy dont have much chance then. All my friends and family either have kids or getting/got married. Recently i just seen photos of a couple getting married abroad and they look gorgeous and so happy. WHY cant i have this...its all iwant. I had a cancer scare a couple of years ago so maybe thats why im burning to get married. I threw the brochures in the bin last night and took my ring off as im sick of being post-poned!! Ive toldhim that untill the wedding is booked im not wearing a ring as we are not really engaged with no pending wedding. There is alot more to this but ihope im giving general idea..am i being a spoilt bratt or do i have the right to moan that i dont wanna be a late 30's bride. I dont mean to offend anyone by syaing this its just my wish to marry now and have a family before 35, im not saying were past it. Can someone helo me calm down as i fear imay walk!!! x x #1 I hope you are not in the medical profession. #2 It doesn't take 3000 pounds to get married. Research the fees for the district where you would register. You are putting an awful lot of weight on the wedding and the location. None of that matters a tinker's damn - the marriage does.
Author door-mat Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I have been thinking about my situation long and hard, and I still have no clue what to do. I dont want my child to grow up with out his dad and this makes things very difficult. But after a conversation the other day with my partner about tattoos I have decided our relationship is really at a bad place. It all started as a joke more than anything, My partner wants another tattoo and has done for a while., and I said oh well you should have my name!!! Ha Ha completely intended as a joke! I wouldnt want him to do that as we all no nothing is actually forever. and his reaction said it all, he as no intention of us being together "forever" and it was obvious to me that I want the relationship far more than he does. I am now looking into what to do next!!! I dont want this to be stressful at all as it can be so bad for children, I feel this is a one way relationship and I want out. I love him so much but I am not happy with the whole my way or no way situation? Am I over reacting??
Island Girl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 we all no nothing is actually forever. Some of us actually do believe in forever -- whatever that forever ends up being -- the commitment will be the eternity. and his reaction said it all, he as no intention of us being together "forever" and it was obvious to me that I want the relationship far more than he does. If he has no intention of staying with you - committed to you even in your own way, etc. - then I think you are right to make arrangements to leave and find a relationship that meets your expectations. No. I do not think you are overreacting at all.
Ronni_W Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 his reaction said it all, he as no intention of us being together "forever" No, I don't think it is an over-reaction on your part. That is a pretty crappy thing to find out. Perhaps you can ask him what ARE his exact intentions, as connected with his relationship with you and the children? Obviously, the calmer you can be, the better; and do your best to remain calm no matter what you find out. Once you do know his intentions, you may have more useful information to be able to start making wise/best decisions for yourself. Take care of you first, so that you'll be strong and courageous enough to be the solid foundation that the children need. Have you considered making an appointment with a marriage counselor, and then letting him know that, if he wants an opportunity to tell his side of anything, he is welcome to join you...but you are going with or without him? Hugs, and good wishes for positive outcomes.
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