Heartbroken-idiot Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Hi there, this is really long and I've never wrote anything like this before so sorry if I miss bits or anything. It starts with my ex breaking up with me a few months ago now but we've been so close since, we saw each other everyday and spoke all the time and not much had changed apart from the fact we didn't always do all the relationship stuff I.e hold hands and kiss in public, we still did other things together and she just said we were best friends and that's how it seemed. We both go to Uni together but she is from a completely different location to me as I stayed in the same city. I knew she was gonna go home for the summer and we would see each other In a few weeks but I couldn't help being mad and moody in the last few days she stayed because I was worried about her finding someone which she tells me she won't because she doesn't want anyone else. She then left and we were still really upset because since we've been together we've never really had time apart and we spoke everyday on the phone and wrote letters to each other saying how close we are and how much I mean to her. Then the time came that we would see each other again at a music festerval so we went the first day was really good and we got along great but then when I wanted to be closer to her she didn't want to because she only wanted friendship I would become moody and argumentive with her saying things like we can't just be friends because I love you to much and we fell out quite a lot. We then decided let's just try and get on for a few days so we did, we had a great time and we made love that night and the next day were very close like I had wanted. We then fell out again big time that night and the next morning I said fine do you want leave now (early as the festival didn't finish for another day) too which she said yes because I don't think you can cope being friends. We left and parted I was in tears she said she would have me as her best friend with open arms when I can get over this and repsect the friendship boundaires. I feel so lost and alone I have spoke to her everyday for the past year and ahalf about everything and she won't reply to my messages. I just don't know what to do, I Love her with everything and I know she thinks I'm perfect and the right person for her but she doesn't love me like that anymore, she has always said if were friends like we are and get along like we do he can't see any reason why she wouldn't fall for me again, I'm just really worried now that I've messed it up.
Lyssa Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 she doesn't love me like that anymore, she has always said if were friends like we are and get along like we do he can't see any reason why she wouldn't fall for me again, I'm just really worried now that I've messed it up. I'm sorry you have to go through the pain of a break up. When someone falls out of love for you, there's nothing much you can do. Sorry if I sounded harsh but you can't force someone to be with you when there is no more love in it.
life_is_life Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Hi there. I've had the same thing happened to me, only in my case, he (the guy) was the one who wanted to be just friends and I (the girl) wanted more than that and couldn't just settle for what he wanted. After we broke-up, he said that in time he *might* fall in love me again. Mind you, we'd been together for two years, and engaged. But from my personal experience and thinking of what happened after that, once someone says they don't love you anymore, it's very, very less likely they'll change your mind. Even if you make love, even if you still hang out and do things like you used to... bottom line is, the more you tell them how you love them and need them, the more they'll push you away. There can be no happy ending here. It's obvious she values your relationship and sees you as an important person in her life. She wants the security that a long-time friend has to offer. But if she can't love you again, then the best thing for you would be to move on. It's going to hurt like hell. Heck, I'm going through that now, I know what it's like. But once the dust settles, you'll find that you've learned a lot about yourself and about life, and that you've grown a little, too.
Author Heartbroken-idiot Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 The thing is she has fallen out of love with me before because of something I happened to do a year ago but fell back in love with me again a few months later after we had been friends and gotten along for a few months so I just keep thinking if it's happened before it can happen again for us because when we work we do make each other very happy it's just been before when I've been over possesive and too clingy that has driven her away. Now she wants me to be happy and knows I'm not happy loving her while she doesn't love me back. She wants me to be over her and then we can start afresh as friends and see where things go.
life_is_life Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Do you trust yourself to be able to start afresh, just as friends? If the answer is "yes", then go for it. If the answer is "no", on the other hand, then you'll just end up hurting each other. Strange how our situations are so similar. *I* was so clingy and posessive that I drove my boyfriend away, too.
adamt Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I know how you feel. i was going out with my ex for 3 years. 2 months before the break up we were planning to move intogether and buy a house and moving the relationship onto the next level. I thought 2009 was going to be a good year. she was losing interest. no idea why. little things became an issue, when we went out to pubs and restaurants she would be more selfish, we didnt argue but i was finding it harder for us to do things together. the first 2.5 years we seemed to be singing from the same song sheet and never had issued doing stuff. i just thought it was a phase due to external stress. then bang, before you know it she is distancing herself and there is no way to get things back on track. I didnt get it cos she was the one always more into the other. next minute she wants a break then we split up without any time to work things out. not heard from her since the break up. its hard to understand that someone can just chuck away 3 years like that. makes you wonder how long she has wanted to finish it. week before we split up she sent an email sayign she missed me. you just have to realise that you will never get the answers you want I feel better each week but i still have moments when i wonder where it went wrong. you cant help but pick out things you wish you had done differently
Author Heartbroken-idiot Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 When you say trust to be her friend you mean have no romantic feelings towards her? Because I'm still not sure she is with me, she says the happier I am the more she feels towards to, for instance the day we decided to just ignore the issue and get along she was very loving towards me, held hands, layer together listening to music, kissing ect, it seems the happier I am the more she wants us to work. It was my birthday last Thursday and she doesn't have much money ATM so she made me a beautiul handmade book which she had put all the memories of things we have done in a relationship and out of one, and in the letters she had written me only a week or so ago she wants to plan things for the future for us. She didn't want to have this time of no speaking I drove it on her and now I would love to take it back. From all the things she doesn't for us do they not have a deeper meaning?
Author Heartbroken-idiot Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 i have spoken to her today and she said she wants to be friends more than anything but wants me to sort my head out before we can and that it is killing her not to talk to me, what should i do? i want to speak to her everyday but is giving her space for a month or so gonna be best for us both?
NopeNah Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Do what she asks. In not doing so you're just going to push her further away.
asuman Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 You should do what she asks not only because that's what she wants, but because there's no other way. You cannot be friends with someone you have feelings for. You will have to get over her first. This process can take as long as a year, or even more. You need to let her go and move on with your life. Eventually, some day, you can be friends again.
Beeotch Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Hi there. I've had the same thing happened to me, only in my case, he (the guy) was the one who wanted to be just friends and I (the girl) wanted more than that and couldn't just settle for what he wanted. After we broke-up, he said that in time he *might* fall in love me again. Mind you, we'd been together for two years, and engaged. But from my personal experience and thinking of what happened after that, once someone says they don't love you anymore, it's very, very less likely they'll change your mind. Even if you make love, even if you still hang out and do things like you used to... bottom line is, the more you tell them how you love them and need them, the more they'll push you away. There can be no happy ending here. It's obvious she values your relationship and sees you as an important person in her life. She wants the security that a long-time friend has to offer. But if she can't love you again, then the best thing for you would be to move on. It's going to hurt like hell. Heck, I'm going through that now, I know what it's like. But once the dust settles, you'll find that you've learned a lot about yourself and about life, and that you've grown a little, too. Agree. It really isn't fair that one person stays in love and the other does not..but it happens unfortunately. If you are broken up though, it is necessary to act like it. When you do, it becomes real and you start coming to terms with it, whereas if you keep hanging out and speaking everyday and doing everything but holding hands/kissing...it is like playing tricks with yourself...and sure enough as you've seen, you end up feeling like shyt esp when the other person jolts you back to reality by saying they really aren't inlove and they just want to be friends. I think this is a case where you give them support and they wean themselves off you slowly while you are still not over them and hanging on to an illusion. Leave her alone. Let her miss you. Don't play games, but try to pick up the pieces and move forward. It helps to think that: what you are doing now is more damaging to you and IF you guys are meant to be the best thing is to move forward....as she will find her way back to you if it is to be.
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