Owl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I think that NID has a good point...AR is sending MM mixed messages between her words, and her actions. She needs to stick to NC (or end it and resume the affair), so that her words and actions send the SAME message.
NoIDidn't Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Why do you suddenly care about the MM's feelings? He is not posting here, AR is. Obviously he knew from their prior conversations that she wanted him to make a decision about whether to stay or leave his M. It would appear that he chose both, so AR had to make a decision to preserve herself. Maybe we can cut her some slack for missing someone she loves, even if he is a jerk, even if the relationship was "inadvisable"? No need to pour salt in the wound. Why do I *suddenly* care about his feelings? Who said I cared about his feelings at all? All I did was state why and how her emailing him was going to create confusion. I gave my opinion on the kind of confusion it could create. I don't know why it triggered YOU so badly though. Maybe you should consider that before you make claims that have no basis in truth. I don't see how you reached the conclusion that I "poured salt into the wound". You are really overstating your point, if you ask me.
NoIDidn't Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I think that NID has a good point...AR is sending MM mixed messages between her words, and her actions. She needs to stick to NC (or end it and resume the affair), so that her words and actions send the SAME message. Thank you, that it all that I was saying. We can't ask one party not to contact us, but feel free to contact them for spurious reasons.
sugarmomma Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 AR, No judgement here at all. Been there and done that! Please don't shame yourself for what you did or try to over-analyze why you did it. You probably did it because it would have been nice to know he cared by responding. Oh well, you can't un-ring a bell. Its absolutely normal to miss someone you cared deeply for. NC is really tough and some people take two steps backwards and then one forward. The best thing about NC is that there is a new day and you can resolve to start over. (((HUGS))) You still should be proud of yourself!!
MistyK Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Why do I *suddenly* care about his feelings? Who said I cared about his feelings at all? All I did was state why and how her emailing him was going to create confusion. I gave my opinion on the kind of confusion it could create. I don't know why it triggered YOU so badly though. Maybe you should consider that before you make claims that have no basis in truth. I don't see how you reached the conclusion that I "poured salt into the wound". You are really overstating your point, if you ask me. To me, it appeared that you were defending the MM. I guess I just don't care if he's confused if that's the result of her trying to get him out of her system. There are a substantial number of posts around LS that in some ways demonize the OW and defend the MM, and I personally find this bothersome. My apologies if this was not your intent.
Mino Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Dont beat yourself up, success is not always a straight line, sometime we do take steps back and then move forward again. Be proud of yourself of what you achived so far. Be proud of everyday you have done nc. Its like quitting smoking, so you cheated today. LOl maybe not a good anaolgy! lol Anyway keep moving forward, keep busy, thats the key, and let time heal your heart..
fooled once Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Misty *hug* I will admit, I too was a little at your reply. Are YOU doing okay? How is your NC going? Maybe I need to start a new thread.....
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 I'm posting here not for advice from the LS forum right now. I have received more support and understanding and great insight from many of you for a long time now and all of that remains..... I'm posting here because of that...... because I owe it to some of you to share where I am at, because I believe that some of you (and you know who you are) will not judge my actions but rather just read them and add them to the mix of complexities that most of us here on this forum have or still do experience. My MM and I are hopelessly connected and very much in love and we have not been able to end contact. His W and all of his children are now in another country and for the FIRST time in almost two years we are experiencing each other in a profound way. All I can say is ...... it was worth the wait ........ it is more than I could ever have imagined, the strength and depth and meaning of our connection. For that I am relieved that I was not hanging on to a fantasy .... what we have is REAL. It is going to end briefly when he returns to that country in a couple of weeks and will be away for 6 wks before returning here alone for another 5 months before returning to that country indefinitely. We are living for the 'now' .... I am separated, I am not cheating on anyone and I can live with myself. It is harder for him. He does love his wife but he knows that he does not and cannot have the relationship with her that he has with me. We have both known that all along. True love always finds a way..... and as the band 'Rascal Flatts' sing "God Bless the broken road, that led me straight to you". For now I just want to love what we have and can share. Love and peace to you all. AR
2sunny Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 for the FIRST time in almost two years we are experiencing each other in a profound way. All I can say is ...... it was worth the wait ........ it is more than I could ever have imagined, the strength and depth and meaning of our connection. can you explain what this entails exactly? does it simply mean that you have recently had amazing sex, great conversations, and ends with him telling you what you want to hear? what is it exactly that has happened recently?
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 can you explain what this entails exactly? does it simply mean that you have recently had amazing sex, great conversations, and ends with him telling you what you want to hear? what is it exactly that has happened recently? 2sunny, I detect some synicism in your post ... and that's ok ... I've been the full spectrum with my MM. He doesn't tell me what I want to hear ... and he has NEVER done that! We both know that this may be just a 'time' in our lives where we can be there for each other ... or it may turn out to be more than that someday... The present is a gift and that's where we both want to be right now.
2sunny Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 no cynicism here - just wondered what the specifics were in this new turn of events? did something happen that gave you new hope?
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 no cynicism here - just wondered what the specifics were in this new turn of events? did something happen that gave you new hope? Sure, that's cool. Thanks for correcting my spelling too. I don't have new hope in terms of a long term relationship ... but this gift from the universe i.e. time to be together relatively alone ... has created the space for him to give himself permission to feel what he feels instead of fighting it... and that has unlocked a natural flow of energy that has simply overwhelmed us both ... it's more than either of us could have imagined. I believed in was there all along but now it has been confirmed for us both .... and there can be no more denying it... on either of our part.
2sunny Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 i just worry that you may be setting yourself up for a new raw pain. if he stays connected to you - on a deep level - he knows that it ultimately keeps you from being emotionally available or other men... whether he is present or not... he has set a trap for you. he may or may not realize it - but that tends to be the way the story goes. if your heart and head belong to him - how could you be open to dating anyone else in your future. just doesn't seem fair to you - and very selfish of him to keep you under his thumb. take your power back - and your chance at a happy future while you're at it.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 i just worry that you may be setting yourself up for a new raw pain. if he stays connected to you - on a deep level - he knows that it ultimately keeps you from being emotionally available or other men... whether he is present or not... he has set a trap for you. he may or may not realize it - but that tends to be the way the story goes. if your heart and head belong to him - how could you be open to dating anyone else in your future. just doesn't seem fair to you - and very selfish of him to keep you under his thumb. take your power back - and your chance at a happy future while you're at it. I appreciate your concern 2sunny and believe I know that the pain of separating will be overwhelming ... that part really has NEVER changed. I guess, whilst it's unlikely that we will have a happy future together ... we ARE having a happy 'present' together, and that is more than we have had in the past ... I agree with what you're saying .. he does have my head and my heart ... but I have given them to him by choice ... and I want him to have them at this time. It will not be like that forever... because we will soon be on opposite sides of the world and that's why I just want to make the most of this time together now ... while we have it. AR
LaGazelle Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I appreciate your concern 2sunny and believe I know that the pain of separating will be overwhelming ... that part really has NEVER changed. I guess, whilst it's unlikely that we will have a happy future together ... we ARE having a happy 'present' together, and that is more than we have had in the past ... I agree with what you're saying .. he does have my head and my heart ... but I have given them to him by choice ... and I want him to have them at this time. It will not be like that forever... because we will soon be on opposite sides of the world and that's why I just want to make the most of this time together now ... while we have it. AR AR, whatever I may think of your choice, I simply admire your disarming honesty. I wish you all the best in moving beyond this, and moving forward with a life based on positive, healthy choices that focus on maximising your happiness without minimising others'. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Since you know this isn't forever and are accepting of the "now" then atleast you know what's around the corner and what pain will hit you when he leaves and goes back to his wife and family. You are happy now and OK with your choice, but will you be later? It's your decision, I just worry that you're settling and getting what you can WHILE you can.. Once it's gone you are going to need alot of support.
jj33 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 actually I think that is the case in many relationships - people are in it for the now, they dont know what tomorrow will hold but today they are happy. That is not necessarily wrong... but I think its very painful to be with someone knowing that the end is near.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 but I think its very painful to be with someone knowing that the end is near. I agree. This is why I am concerned. If she truly has 'accepted' things as they are, then there should be NO anger, jealous, or feelings of being manipulated (meaning she knows exactly what's going on) when he goes back to his wife and kids and leaves her.. Feeling sadness, yes, but resentment, anger etc shouldn't be there.
fooled once Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Oh AR (hug) I have wondered where you have been. I won't pretend to be happy that you are back with him. I owe YOU that honesty. Know why? Because you are going to be CRUSHED when he does move back to be with his wife. HE will go back to his family and resume life. YOU will be left alone, hurting, with no 'family' to go back to. I care too much about you to say that this is a great thing. I care too much which is why I am feeling pain for you. I actually wish during this 'present' time, you will come to see he is NOT all that you think he is. You two are playing newlyweds and emotions are high and excitement is running through you. But ultimately, and truthfully, he has a wife. He has a life and right NOW, you are his 'toy'' per say to keep him busy until he returns to that life. I don't mean to sound harsh or hurtful -- but sh*t, I know how much you are going to crash and hurt and I hate that you are going to go through this. BUT, the good part is you KNOW you are going to go through this because there IS an end to this. (hug) I want to say enjoy and have fun, I really do. But I just want you to remember there is an end and to steel yourself for that ending. Please take care of YOU.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 (hug) I want to say enjoy and have fun, I really do. But I just want you to remember there is an end and to steel yourself for that ending. Please take care of YOU. It is scary ....... no doubt ........ wondering how I will handle it when he does return? ..... but I think it is also scary for him. The only way to avoid that pain is to deny and disown the parts of me that are in love with him ....... and that seems to be IMPOSSIBLE!!! for me. With all the will in the world I can't turn OFF these feelings... and it is the same for him. He IS in love with me too. We both acknowledge that. I think what helps is reminding myself that at no stage am I powerless... I make choices .... they are not made for me. I can choose to CUT myself from him .... or I can choose to honour my feelings for him. That way I cannot feel manipulated. He IS going back to his W and family. Will he be happy there?? Who knows ....... and I don't want to think about that. For now I just want to enjoy all that we have ....... and all I can say to you is that after 19mths of the agony of him 'fighting' his feelings for me ...... what we are experiencing NOW is beyond our imagination.... and if nothing else it validates WHY I have hung in there .... trusting that I knew what I knew .... and now KNOW. It's incredibly complex .... and I appreciate all the comments here very much. It helps to know that people care.... and the journey continues to be a LONG one. Love, Hugs & Peace AR
fooled once Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 It is scary ....... no doubt ........ wondering how I will handle it when he does return? ..... but I think it is also scary for him. The only way to avoid that pain is to deny and disown the parts of me that are in love with him ....... and that seems to be IMPOSSIBLE!!! for me. With all the will in the world I can't turn OFF these feelings... and it is the same for him. He IS in love with me too. We both acknowledge that. I think what helps is reminding myself that at no stage am I powerless... I make choices .... they are not made for me. I can choose to CUT myself from him .... or I can choose to honour my feelings for him. That way I cannot feel manipulated. He IS going back to his W and family. Will he be happy there?? Who knows ....... and I don't want to think about that. For now I just want to enjoy all that we have ....... and all I can say to you is that after 19mths of the agony of him 'fighting' his feelings for me ...... what we are experiencing NOW is beyond our imagination.... and if nothing else it validates WHY I have hung in there .... trusting that I knew what I knew .... and now KNOW. It's incredibly complex .... and I appreciate all the comments here very much. It helps to know that people care.... and the journey continues to be a LONG one. Love, Hugs & Peace AR Sweetie - honestly - does it matter if he truly loves you? I ask because he IS going back to his family. He is going to hurt you. Will it make it hurt less if he didn't love you? Will it make you cry less? (hug) dang it -- I wish we lived near each other so I could BE THERE in person for you; to hug you, to tell you to cherish YOU. IF you must do this for the next weeks/months, I will stand by you. Not encourage you; because again, I hate that you will hurt. I hate that you will cry. I hate that in some ways, you are powerless over your feelings. But you are right, you have made this choice. And you aren't stupid or naive to think that you can love him today and not tomorrow. You are deluding yourself like others that he doesn't love his wife, that he is leaving, that you have won some type of competition. Please know that my words come from the heart -- my heart to your heart. ((hugs))
GreenEyedLady Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 It is scary ....... no doubt ........ wondering how I will handle it when he does return? ..... but I think it is also scary for him. The only way to avoid that pain is to deny and disown the parts of me that are in love with him ....... and that seems to be IMPOSSIBLE!!! for me. With all the will in the world I can't turn OFF these feelings... and it is the same for him. He IS in love with me too. We both acknowledge that. I think what helps is reminding myself that at no stage am I powerless... I make choices .... they are not made for me. I can choose to CUT myself from him .... or I can choose to honour my feelings for him. That way I cannot feel manipulated. He IS going back to his W and family. Will he be happy there?? Who knows ....... and I don't want to think about that. For now I just want to enjoy all that we have ....... and all I can say to you is that after 19mths of the agony of him 'fighting' his feelings for me ...... what we are experiencing NOW is beyond our imagination.... and if nothing else it validates WHY I have hung in there .... trusting that I knew what I knew .... and now KNOW. It's incredibly complex .... and I appreciate all the comments here very much. It helps to know that people care.... and the journey continues to be a LONG one. Love, Hugs & Peace AR I don't really get why his immediate family is gone and how long they are gone. Are you hoping that he will spend all this time with you and then not go back? I guess there is nothing more that you can do except be honest with yourself and it looks like you're doing that. Enjoying what you have for now. It actually makes me sad. I remember that feeling. The feeling of loving someone so much and then knowing they're going to leave you. (((HUGS)))
Mino Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I dont know what to say, other then It would feel like sitting on death row and knowing the date of my execution. I remeber a few years ago when I told me mm that I would give him 3 months to make up his mind if he was going tot leave or not. The date was set for Jan 1. I needed an answer on this day. Those were the worst months for me, waiting for Jan 1 to come around. I cracked many times during these 3 months. These were the months where I paced the floors for hours, I though I was losing my mind. I triend breaking up with him almost every week because he would not give me any answers. My stomach still turns thinking about this time. Sweetie, i wish you the best, protect your heart as much as you can... maybe even go to ic to prepare for the heartbreak...dont know if that is even possible. We will be here for you when its over... ((((hugs)))
fooled once Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 GEL - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191566/ She posted on June 11 I've been posting here on and off for around 18 months now and my situation has changed somewhat which has prompted me to ask the very reliable LS forum members for some input. I have been in an EA for 18mths with a MM. It started out as a PA but after 6 weeks, while separated from each other, he told his W about us and confessed to her that he was fallininglove with me. Long story short, she agreed (20yrs married) to forgive him and work on rebuilding the marriage. MM had also had an A 7 yrs earlier, and W found out. I also told my H about the affair at that point, but he is unaware that we have stayed in contact. Our EA continued although on several occasions we tried NC, without success. I made a decision to separate from my H (18yrs together) a month ago, as I could no longer go on deceiving myself, or him or our children that my heart was in our marriage. I knew that it was not. Although it has been an incredibly difficult and some would say 'selfish' decision, I still believe it is the right one. I am no longer a 'cake eater' wanting it both ways and the guilt I was carrying around with me every day has lightened substantially. I was clear with MM that I was not leaving my H so that we could be together, as MM has never said that he is prepared to leave his W and children.... but, it has certainly changed the dynamic of our R. At first MM was terrified that after my separation, my H would come after him and physically injure him and/or that I would try and hurt him by telling his W of our continued contact. MM is very insecure about his safety... which I don't really understand as it was his decision to tell his W about us in the first place. Now that I have reassured him that I have no intention of hurting him... he is starting to feel safe again and seems to be opening up more and becoming slightly less self-protective. MM has 2 teenage children living OS at present and the plan is for he and his W and their younger child to move OS in about 6 weeks time, initially this was going to be forever. Recently, MM has advised that he will be returning here after one month and staying on for 6mths to complete a work project that he has committed to. This means that MM will be here, on his own, no W or children for 6 months and I am now separated. Well, you can imagine what my next set of question are.... Do I invest more into our R during this time that provides us with a unique opportunity to deepen our R ........ (I am in love with him) ........ knowing that after 6mths he WILL return OS with his family ........ leaving me heartbroken and alone ...... and may NEVER return again? OR Do I pull out now ........ go NC ......... (which I have been unable to do previously and can only imagine will be so much harder knowing that he is here alone) and save myself the trauma of what logical thinking tells me. I'm backed into a corner again here ........ do I go with my head or my heart ........? My heart seems to win everytime ........ after all I followed my heart in choosing to separate. Any thoughts here guys? ........
GreenEyedLady Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 GEL - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191566/ She posted on June 11 Thank you...I remember this thread now... So after his 6 months is done here he is moving overseas for the foreseeable future... Guard your heart AR...Guard your heart... (((HUGS)))
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