Mino Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I know its tough , especially the first 4 weeks. But hang in there, I PROMISE YOU IT WILL GET EASIER< trust me on that.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 I know its tough , especially the first 4 weeks. But hang in there, I PROMISE YOU IT WILL GET EASIER< trust me on that. Thanks Mino & JJ33 ....... both your replies are valuable ..... I guess I just like the FO tells me she gonna slap me around the head which seems to pull me up a bit ... Maybe that's it ..... in these situations perhaps we regress into 'wounded child' mode and we need that kind of parent figure to pull us into line a bit. THE VERY LAST thing I want MM to end up thinking is OH OW is just so predictable ...... she fights for intimacy ........ then REJECTS me ....... then calms down and starts all over again. That's what I hate ....... how predictable I have become now to him. I REFUSE to do that anymore. I will not repeat old self-defeating patterns again. He WILL see that enough is enough this time.... and that I DO DESERVE better........ there can be no going back. Truth is, if he gave up his marriage to be with me now ........ I doubt that I would honestly be happy anyway. His selfishness over the course of our relationship would ALWAYS plague any future together ....... It's the bench-mark HE set and would be a view of him that I would find EXTREMELY difficult to change now. ((((((HUGS))))) to all of you.....
fooled once Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 AR ((hug)) If you send him an email, I am going to slap you silly!!! Write an email -- to ME Send me hundreds of emails - pretend I am him. But DO NOT SEND HIM AN EMAIL!!! And DO NOT TEXT HIM!!! And DO NOT CALL HIM!!! And DO NOT SEND HIM SMOKE SIGNALS!!! You will get through this -- I promise you! I know it is so hard. I truly do. I cried myself to sleep more nights than I can ever tell you. I kept wondering "why didn't he come for me? why didn't he "pick" me? why did he lie to me? what did he have to gain for all this? I doubted myself as a woman. I doubted my attractiveness. I doubted my loveability. Hell, I doubted my likeability. I kept wondering 'what is wrong with me'? And then throw on top of it a stupid ex; it just sets your entire world off balance. And then you are beaten down -- first from the 'rejection' from the MM, and then from the ex. You just don't have any energy left. But you are NOT to put up with your ex berating you. IF he starts, you tell him that until he can speak to you with respect, you are not going to talk to him and HANG UP. When he calls back, and he will - start it with "are you ready to speak to me decently". And I want you to do ONE thing nice for yourself each day. Maybe sit back and read a magazine with a cup of tea? Or sit outside in the fresh air with a soda or cup of coffee. Or pick a bunch of wild flowers and put them in a vase on the table. Or paint your nails. Or take a bubble bath. ONE thing - once a day. And, since I think you are in a total different time zone than I am, I need you to let me know at nite time your time what you did for YOU! It could even be "took the kids to the park and watched them and the sound of their laughter lightened me heart". Do something EACH day for YOU. ((hug))
sugarmomma Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I am 3 months out of that stupid A I got myself into. I feel really good about my decision and he has respecte dit even though he got really angry and said that "I" played him like a flute. I guess he thought that I would allow his sweet words, that damn dopamine and mind blowing orgasms to get the best of me. I'm too smart for that sh*t. I really fell for the guy and wanted to believe him when he said he was looking for a condo. What helps me is that I stay out of denial which is a place that I know I can get comfortable in.... he really loves me....he doesn't love her..... he's just confused........he's trapped by the kids and a whole lot of other crap I have the ability to tell myself. I had to look at that thing for what it truly was- REALITY He lives with her. He pays bills with her. He eats with her. He sleeps with her every night (not with me) How he feels about her didn't matter He made a conscious choice everyday to go home to her. That is what I remember wverytime I think about contacting him. I have moved on and have met a few single guys. Be strong AR and remember- There are no victims in affairs, only volunteers!!! Keep your head up, get pretty and go out and enjoy your life!!! Time to focus on YOU and create the life you want for YOURSELF!! Its all about YOU now!!!
icepop Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I am an instant SugarMomma fan. Listen to the concise brevity of the pearls of wisdom that this lady offers. Good Stuff !!!
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 I am 3 months out of that stupid A I got myself into. I feel really good about my decision and he has respecte dit even though he got really angry and said that "I" played him like a flute. I guess he thought that I would allow his sweet words, that damn dopamine and mind blowing orgasms to get the best of me. I'm too smart for that sh*t. I really fell for the guy and wanted to believe him when he said he was looking for a condo. What helps me is that I stay out of denial which is a place that I know I can get comfortable in.... he really loves me....he doesn't love her..... he's just confused........he's trapped by the kids and a whole lot of other crap I have the ability to tell myself. I had to look at that thing for what it truly was- REALITY He lives with her. He pays bills with her. He eats with her. He sleeps with her every night (not with me) How he feels about her didn't matter He made a conscious choice everyday to go home to her. That is what I remember wverytime I think about contacting him. I have moved on and have met a few single guys. Be strong AR and remember- There are no victims in affairs, only volunteers!!! Keep your head up, get pretty and go out and enjoy your life!!! Time to focus on YOU and create the life you want for YOURSELF!! Its all about YOU now!!! I never got as far as a mind-blowing orgasm even after 19 mths!! (lol) I doubt he was even capable of that in hindsight (lol) and in MANY ways I'm glad it wasn't a full-blown physical affair ..... giving my heart & my mind was painful enough .... if I'd given him my body too OMG! (he didn't seem to want it actually ... I think he was terrified of my sexual confidence and yet claims he hasn't had sex with his wife in 18mths?????) Go figure???? I couldn't agree more ....... sticking to the facts (reality) is definitely the way to move forward ...... Thanks SM
sugarmomma Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I never got as far as a mind-blowing orgasm even after 19 mths!! (lol) I doubt he was even capable of that in hindsight (lol) and in MANY ways I'm glad it wasn't a full-blown physical affair ..... giving my heart & my mind was painful enough .... if I'd given him my body too OMG! (he didn't seem to want it actually ... I think he was terrified of my sexual confidence and yet claims he hasn't had sex with his wife in 18mths?????) Go figure???? I couldn't agree more ....... sticking to the facts (reality) is definitely the way to move forward ...... Thanks SM AR no orgasms??? Hell! He should be pretty easy to get over!! JK and trying to make you laugh. Not trying to minimize your pain at all. I know how hard it is to get someone out of your head and heart. Going forward don't put a lot of stock in a man's words. Always watch their feet (actions). I tell men all the time that try to BS me "your actions speak so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying." I still wonder how I fell for that crap. I'm usually more on top of my game than that. Oh well, we all get a turn!! Rock steady AR!! Rock steady!!
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 AR no orgasms??? Hell! He should be pretty easy to get over!! JK and trying to make you laugh. You succeeded :bunny:
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 I need you to let me know at nite time your time what you did for YOU! It could even be "took the kids to the park and watched them and the sound of their laughter lightened me heart". Do something EACH day for YOU. ((hug)) Well it's night time and I'm doing as requested only I think I've failed my first homework assignment ... I didn't do anything for me exactly ... but ... I did help my daughter re-arrange her bedroom this afternoon after the cutsom made built-in desk, drawer, shelving unit I arranged months ago was finally fitted (in the family home where I no longer reside due to my selfish husband refusing to do shared parenting with me while keeping the kids in our home) I helped her do a big clean out of old clothes and junk lying around and that was nice to get in and help her with that, the room looks great but I am resentful that I designed and arranged it all and now I don't get to live there and see her enjoying it.... Oh well, I do get pleasure knowing that she's happy with it. Meantime I'm having to furnish an entire apartment on the tightest budget imaginable!!! .... and I get to live my life without being in conflict with my STBXH everyday ... and that's priceless!!! Maybe I need to start posting over on the separation/divorce forum ...?? Sorry FO ... I don't think I was very successful with my assignment today... will do better tomorrow. AR
White Flower Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 That's going to be helpful WF .... yes, focus on the anger of what I was fighting for and what I deserve ..... as opposed to the victim mentality of 'Look what he's done to me' ..... That's good, gonna use that, thanks. You're right, staying angry makes it easier..... AR:mad::mad::mad: (lol) Then when you meet a nice SG you can take out all that built-up physical frustration out on him.... Then we'll being hearing about Os...
Mino Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Hi Ar, just checking in on you to see how your holding up? stay strong, you will get over this hump, the first 3-4 weeks are hell, but we have faith in you, I think your in day 4? Ouch thats a tough one, post when you need us. ((Hugs)) mino
fooled once Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 AR (hug) That was a good thing for YOU. YOU were helping your child. BUT --- why are YOU moving out of the family home? How is custody being decided? Tomorrow is a new day -- and you get to do something good for YOU on that day!!!
MistyK Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 AR, I'm curious, about how old are you? I hope you are holding up well today.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 AR, I'm curious, about how old are you? I hope you are holding up well today. Early 40's ....... Eeek! Has anyone seen my 30's? (lol)
MistyK Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 How are you holding up today? I feel like we are in this together.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 How are you holding up today? I feel like we are in this together. Hi Misty, yes it does feel like we have been through very similar life experiences of late.... I'm doing better than I expected (I think???) I am moving house tomorrow and that has required a lot of planning and organising to get ready for the move so in all honesty I have been pretty distracted from thinking about MM too much. Tomorrow will mark the beginning of a very new and different life for me and I think it's important to be letting go of the things which will only hold me back on creating the life I want for myself .... that includes MM and H and present. It kind of feels like I'm beginning my life all over again ... only I have my two beautiful children now to give me real meaning and purpose. I also landed a pretty high profile job this week that I was quietly confident about but still a little surprised to have got ... under the stress and turmoil I've been putting myself through lately... but I do believe that when we make up our minds to really be true to ourselves that we can do amazing things... We find strengths we never knew that we had. Over on your post I wanted to write that .... I know you feel as though you will never walk again ... but Misty K ... the truth is that your relationship with MM was already crippling you!!!! and ditching him and what he's offering (not) is the first step to standing upright again!! You have to believe that ... it's taken me a long time ... and a lot of posts here to see it ... and I owe many LS members credit for that ... but each day it gets clearer (that fog is lifting) and I can see that I/you/we are worth and deserve MORE than that. Stay strong ... I will be here for you. AR (hug)
fooled once Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Hi Misty, yes it does feel like we have been through very similar life experiences of late.... I'm doing better than I expected (I think???) I am moving house tomorrow and that has required a lot of planning and organising to get ready for the move so in all honesty I have been pretty distracted from thinking about MM too much. Tomorrow will mark the beginning of a very new and different life for me and I think it's important to be letting go of the things which will only hold me back on creating the life I want for myself .... that includes MM and H and present. It kind of feels like I'm beginning my life all over again ... only I have my two beautiful children now to give me real meaning and purpose. I also landed a pretty high profile job this week that I was quietly confident about but still a little surprised to have got ... under the stress and turmoil I've been putting myself through lately... but I do believe that when we make up our minds to really be true to ourselves that we can do amazing things... We find strengths we never knew that we had. Over on your post I wanted to write that .... I know you feel as though you will never walk again ... but Misty K ... the truth is that your relationship with MM was already crippling you!!!! and ditching him and what he's offering (not) is the first step to standing upright again!! You have to believe that ... it's taken me a long time ... and a lot of posts here to see it ... and I owe many LS members credit for that ... but each day it gets clearer (that fog is lifting) and I can see that I/you/we are worth and deserve MORE than that. Stay strong ... I will be here for you. AR (hug) YEAH YEAH YEAH on the new job! That is fantastic!! Woohoo!! And you are doing great AR - I am so glad the move has kept you occupied! Yeah - I am so proud of you!!!
Author Aquarius Rising Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 I am expecting a grilling for this ... and it's probably warranted. I emailed MM this morning because anger gave way to empathy ... and wished him a safe trip back to his home country (I'm not sure when he leaves but I expect it will be this week some time). I simply said that I want to stay angry with him forever, but the core of who I am prevents me from doing that and that I also want to wish him a safe trip home and reunion with his children and family members there. I did it for me ...... part of my need to forgive I guess. I have not received a reply but that could be because he has already departed... and if he does not respond then that is probably for the best anyway. Uncertain of what I feel ..... half of me is relieved that I honoured the part of me that has compassion and empathy and the other half is angry at myself for showing weakness???? confused ....... AR
LaGazelle Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 AR, The thing is, in your heart, you know he's already given you the answer. The "let's wait and see" thing is exactly what left me deluding myself for the 1st year and a half of my R with MM. He used to say: "I don't know what the future holds." What this kind of smokescreen does is leave the door open enough to give you hope without him having to say there is hope - that way he can pat himself on the back for not officially "lying" to you to give you false hope. At some point later on, my MM admitted that meant he wanted me to hang on for 9 years until his youngest turned 18 (but of course, he couldn't tell me that because I would have told him to get bent). Bottom line here is that actions speak louder than words and you aren't even getting words. It was at that point in my R with MM that I decided to date other people, at which point he freaked out and started making all kinds of promises. Unfortunately, a year later, I'm still waiting for him to fulfill them. It's very easy to make promises that a MM does not have the power or ability to back up. I WISH I had read the writing on the wall back at your stage of the game. Get out while you still have your sanity. There is no question you can ask this man that he will give you a 'satisfactory' answer to. Misty, I don't mean to sound patronising at all, but having read and contributed to some of your previous threads, it is so heartwarmingly wonderful to see this sort of no-nonesense , no-excuses, clear-thinking in-control action woman advice coming from you! I am so thrilled you would not believe! I hope you are doing well with your recovery - your advice to AR alone tells me you are. I hope your children are well too. I wish you the best going forward to a great life away from unhealthy relationships. Hang in there when the going gets tough. Focus on cleasing yourself of the emotional toxins. Feed yourself, heart, mind, body and souls and just "live the dream." Best wishes my dear.
LaGazelle Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I am so happy for you! I just did a 2 step!!! I remember how empowered I felt when I told the guy I was seeing that was in a r with his XW ( I know, confusing) to kick dust. Its like I finally showed up for me. One day he would say he was looking for a condo and the next he would say he wanted to stay until his daughter left for college (5 years). Do not put your life on hold for any man. Its been 3 months come July 9 and I still think of him but it passes. You did good AR!!! You did us all good!!!:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny: You should really be proud of yourself. As should you SugarMomma! Well done for moving so decidely and assuredly forward. I flicked through this thread and saw one of your responses to AR, and was just blown-away by how straight, honest, sensible, empowered and unfettered by some of the not-so-uncommon self-sabotage and crippling delusion that I've seen from many on LS. Way to go! I wish you the best success with your drive forward - in love as well as all the other important aspects of life. Continue to do your thing and show life how it's done! Best wishes.
Owl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I am expecting a grilling for this ... and it's probably warranted. I emailed MM this morning because anger gave way to empathy ... and wished him a safe trip back to his home country (I'm not sure when he leaves but I expect it will be this week some time). I simply said that I want to stay angry with him forever, but the core of who I am prevents me from doing that and that I also want to wish him a safe trip home and reunion with his children and family members there. I did it for me ...... part of my need to forgive I guess. I have not received a reply but that could be because he has already departed... and if he does not respond then that is probably for the best anyway. Uncertain of what I feel ..... half of me is relieved that I honoured the part of me that has compassion and empathy and the other half is angry at myself for showing weakness???? confused ....... AR You KNOW that you just re-opened that door, right?
GreenEyedLady Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I did it for me ...... part of my need to forgive I guess. I have not received a reply but that could be because he has already departed... and if he does not respond then that is probably for the best anyway. Uncertain of what I feel ..... half of me is relieved that I honoured the part of me that has compassion and empathy and the other half is angry at myself for showing weakness???? AR I think you need to do a lot of self-reflection here. Why did you really send the email? You could have written the email without sending it and accomplished the same feelings... Be honest with yourself...Are you sure you did it only for closure? Or are you hoping to get back together? And if you are hoping to get back together, I'd have to tell you that's normal. I got broke up with my MM and got back together with him 3 times. So don't beat yourself up if that's it. I'm really concerned with the depression that you feel regarding the whole situation. You need to decide what you really want out of life and your R. If he cannot give that to you, you will be sad, you will be depressed. You have to decide what you want, what you'll accept and be strong. Being strong means not settling. Don't settle because you are hurting and afraid. It is tough, it is hard but it will get better. (((HUGS)))
NoIDidn't Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I am expecting a grilling for this ... and it's probably warranted. I emailed MM this morning because anger gave way to empathy ... and wished him a safe trip back to his home country (I'm not sure when he leaves but I expect it will be this week some time). I simply said that I want to stay angry with him forever, but the core of who I am prevents me from doing that and that I also want to wish him a safe trip home and reunion with his children and family members there. I did it for me ...... part of my need to forgive I guess. I have not received a reply but that could be because he has already departed... and if he does not respond then that is probably for the best anyway. Uncertain of what I feel ..... half of me is relieved that I honoured the part of me that has compassion and empathy and the other half is angry at myself for showing weakness???? confused ....... AR You won't get a grilling but you are due for more introspection. What you did was sent him a mixed signal and he might decide to act accordingly. Which will send you back to square one where you say he's manipulative and cruel and you are somehow his victim. It is confusing for a married guy to be told by his girlfriend that she wishes he and his family are happy but to know that she would rather he replace a portion of that family with her. Its confusing to be told that you are the devil but I want the best for you. Consider why you really sent it. Do you think he actually cares if you forgive him or not if you both agreed to NC? Not trying to be snarky, but to ask for NC and then break it for any reason IS confusing.
NoIDidn't Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 And if you are hoping to get back together, I'd have to tell you that's normal. I got broke up with my MM and got back together with him 3 times. So don't beat yourself up if that's it.(((HUGS))) I agree. Its normal until the relationship is totally over or made more permanent.
MistyK Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 It is confusing for a married guy to be told by his girlfriend that she wishes he and his family are happy but to know that she would rather he replace a portion of that family with her. Its confusing to be told that you are the devil but I want the best for you. Why do you suddenly care about the MM's feelings? He is not posting here, AR is. Obviously he knew from their prior conversations that she wanted him to make a decision about whether to stay or leave his M. It would appear that he chose both, so AR had to make a decision to preserve herself. Maybe we can cut her some slack for missing someone she loves, even if he is a jerk, even if the relationship was "inadvisable"? No need to pour salt in the wound.
Recommended Posts