Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I think his next move is going to be one of cruelty. The point of it will be for her to start to prove that she is worthy of more respect from him. Just like at the beginning of this thread how she wanted to prove to him that she does have a backbone in person. Be ready for anything by NOT BEING AVAILABLE for any of it, AR. Get back into living your life. You and your family deserve better than that constant feeling of limbo over someone who only fits his manipulations of you in when he can. I actually think that his response today was cruel. By saying, you are right and I support you just proves how little he was prepared to fight for me. I think that hurts even more deeply .... **** isn't he clever!!!!
fooled once Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Nah, he isn't clever. He knows by writing what he did to you, that it would upset you and make you respond to him with "See, I knew you didn't love me enough" and there in starts communication. DO NOT RESPOND!! Got it?
MistyK Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 i can't help but see that as just another form of manipulation. If he endorses my decision ... It is harder for me to not like him. I know damn well now ... It's more manipulation on his part because he knows i am compassionate. Ar bingo!!!!!
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 bingo!!!!! For what's it's worth, I couldn't resist this response. Have now BLOCKED all communication. Just had to say it Girls........ email as follows “you deserve it AR you deserve it all…..you really do!” Don’t pretend to care now ………. Please! ………… I know this is just another form of manipulation from you …… by your own admission, you are the master of it remember? ……… because you know how compassionate I am, you take advantage of that EVERY time. What this shows purely is how LITTLE you actually care and how UNWILLING you are to FIGHT for me ……… absolute ‘WEAKNESS’…….. I should have listened better right back at the start when you told me how weak you were ……… you are an ‘impersonator’ of truth MM and a very good one…….. Someone taught you well ……… It’s taken some time …….. But I see it now. I feel for BS, she has a long journey ahead with you …….. Thank-fully, I get off here. Have a happy, dishonest, dependent, pretentious, sex-less life together ………. GO FOR IT! …….. You now have my complete support.
2sunny Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 when you sit down - ask him ONE question! THE question you want to ask making it only a chance for a yes or no answer... then say nothing. he will most likely talk for a half an hour about nothing or everything but what you asked. THEN you can say - it's a yes or no answer - answer the question. then say nothing until he answers yes or no without ANY or the "fluff" they use to make it look anything except yes or no. it really needs to be just - yes or no... without any of the "but when i"... well when i can... well when the house sells.... when the kids grow up.... when my wife gets a job.... but i really love you... NONE OF THAT! it's yes or no... he he if it's yes - he wants to be with you - you need evidence - evidence of him making that happen... not just more empty words that get you to be available to him.
sugarmomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I am so happy for you! I just did a 2 step!!! I remember how empowered I felt when I told the guy I was seeing that was in a r with his XW ( I know, confusing) to kick dust. Its like I finally showed up for me. One day he would say he was looking for a condo and the next he would say he wanted to stay until his daughter left for college (5 years). Do not put your life on hold for any man. Its been 3 months come July 9 and I still think of him but it passes. You did good AR!!! You did us all good!!!:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny: You should really be proud of yourself.
ForumFool Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Wow I am very proud of you AR...WTG and hugs to you....now stay away from any contact....I loved your letter btw....your parting words were priceless
Lyssa Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Have a happy, dishonest, dependent, pretentious, sex-less life together ………. GO FOR IT! …….. You now have my complete support. Wicked! AR - now you can apply NC for good. No more communicating with that man.
2sunny Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 so sorry - but now that i've had some time to read all the posts i see that: you sent him a strong and courageous message by saying - no more! good job! i would caution against the loophole of contact if he files for divorce... some men file - only to never finalize this process. this also gives false hope to the OW and he knows it... some men will go to any length to keep stringing the OW along... even move out of the house to make the appearance of being available too. when his divorce is FINAL! that is when you should give solid consideration to wasting more time on someone who manipulates the way he does. there's just no way to believe him otherwise. i'm proud of your stance... stay strong - you should be proud of yourself as well.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 MM came back with a final email (below) Followed by my VERY FINAL response. Don't worry email now blocked! From Him I am sorry that you are angry OW….. But I expected it this time …….However I can not fight for you because I can not offer you what you want….…… as you said we have discussed that many times….I know that doesn’t make it any easier. I would love to be a friend because you are a truly gifted person but I can also understand if you do not want that! I really do want you to be happy and to be loved and the only way I can help you with that is to support you in your decision to get on with your life…… From Me Nice try ………….LEAVE ME ALONE …….. and get on with YOUR life ……….. I believe you have LOTS of work to do……..
jasminetea Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 AR, well done. Now go a step further and get a new email address and a new phone number.
White Flower Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Well done. If you ever have the chance to ask him a question though, the question should be this... My daughter is still quite young and I can't see that happening in the near future......... Is that what you want for me?? To hang on, while you continue to lead your own life? That's what you want for someone you profess to love? Exactly. Love me, make love to me, and spend all your moments away from me thinking about loving me. But a handful of hours each week doesn't feel like love.
MistyK Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 MM came back with a final email (below) Followed by my VERY FINAL response. Don't worry email now blocked! From Him I am sorry that you are angry OW….. But I expected it this time …….However I can not fight for you because I can not offer you what you want….…… as you said we have discussed that many times….I know that doesn’t make it any easier. I would love to be a friend because you are a truly gifted person but I can also understand if you do not want that! I really do want you to be happy and to be loved and the only way I can help you with that is to support you in your decision to get on with your life…… From Me Nice try ………….LEAVE ME ALONE …….. and get on with YOUR life ……….. I believe you have LOTS of work to do…….. Yikes. This hit WAY too close to home for me. If I dig back, I could fid about a dozen similar such emails from my MM every time I'd leave him. Good for you for not falling for it. Interestingly, no apology in his email for acting like a jerk. (My vengeful side would be half tempted to forward that last one from him to his wife.)
jj33 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 What if he isnt manipulating you. What if he is simply being honest. What if he is finally giving you the truth that you want? Wouldnt that be nice. He cant give you what you want. He knows it and he is a good enough guy to finally step back. That doesnt give you license to ever speak to him again. It doesnt change anything. It seems these guys cant win. If he argued with you, it would mean he was bad. He wasnt offering you anything and he wasnt letting you go. If he says fine I accept it, then he is accused of trying to keep you with reverse psychology (huh????) Basically the only "right" answer he could have given was AR I love you and I am filing for divorce today, followed by an email with a scan of the divorce papers and the court stamp on them. Any other response is a bad response from your perspective. I get that. I have come to the same realization with my own situation. Nothing he could EVER EVER say to me would be right other than that. Until I am really over him. You really must refrain from emailing him any more or you will look like you are simply doing this to get his attention. So with that in mind, its time to pack up your toys and start the process of healing. Big hugs
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 What if he isnt manipulating you. What if he is simply being honest. What if he is finally giving you the truth that you want? Wouldnt that be nice. He cant give you what you want. He knows it and he is a good enough guy to finally step back. That doesnt give you license to ever speak to him again. It doesnt change anything. JJ, the reason I can't allow myself to believe that he is just being this really genuine sweet wonderful person, is because we have been here many many times now. 'Yes you deserve more, no I can't give you what you want ... blah, blah, blah' ..... but he HAS continued to ENJOY the fringe benefits (ego stroking) of having me as his little secret on the side, he has enjoyed the soft kisses, the beautiful songs I write, record and performed for him, the endless forgiveness for the endless disappointments of cancelling plans etc. ....... AND all of this happens along side of the fact that he knows FULL well that I am in love with him. I have been blind for too long to his real motives ....... they have always been SELF-SERVING ....... it has ALWAYS been about HIM!
jasminetea Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 This is not about allowing yourself to believe he is a certain way. That implies he really is being sweet and genuine and wonderful but you're just not 'allowing' yourself to believe it. The thing is, if he responds in any way other than jj33 says - "AR I love you and here's a scan of the filed divorce papers" then he isn't being genuine and sweet and wonderful, he's just continuing to be manipulative.
MistyK Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 If he was truly wanting to be a good guy about all of this, he could have ended it with you when he first realized he was hurting you. But no, it was important to get what he wanted. Now he's trying to keep the door open by asking to be friends. Essentially, I know you just slammed the door on me, so I'm going to try to pry it open and keep my foot jammed in there. In other words: I hear what you are saying, but I'm not respecting your boundary. That's selfishness, pure and simple. After all, if you're not mad at him and able to be friends, then maybe he doesn't have to consider whether he really acted like a jerk, right?
fooled once Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Ditto Misty. And AR --- I am gonna whoop you if I see you say "one more final, final email to him". Got me?? No more emails to him. No more communication with him. Got me?? ((hug))
jj33 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 All I meant was it doesnt matter WHAT his motives are. If you are done, you are done. No more responding to him. Any communication is communication. Sending 5 emails telling someone you dont want to communicate with them only shows them you are still communicating.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Ditto Misty. And AR --- I am gonna whoop you if I see you say "one more final, final email to him". Got me?? No more emails to him. No more communication with him. Got me?? ((hug)) Promise FO, no more emails. I do respect you and the many others here too much for that ... but I know it's me I'm really respecting by going NC. I have to tell you, I woke up on the wrong side of revenge this morning. I'm ok now but for a minute there I was in a bit of trouble I can tell you....... I KNOW that's not the answer ...... and I do trust myself not to follow through on any of those thoughts. What has your experience been of how to manage the ANGER!! ?? (open to all forum that question?) And I know that much of that anger is directed at self ..... I thought I was smarter, more intuitive, no so naive, not so needy etc. etc. etc.!!!! UGHHH!!! AR (hug
White Flower Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Promise FO, no more emails. I do respect you and the many others here too much for that ... but I know it's me I'm really respecting by going NC. I have to tell you, I woke up on the wrong side of revenge this morning. I'm ok now but for a minute there I was in a bit of trouble I can tell you....... I KNOW that's not the answer ...... and I do trust myself not to follow through on any of those thoughts. What has your experience been of how to manage the ANGER!! ?? (open to all forum that question?) And I know that much of that anger is directed at self ..... I thought I was smarter, more intuitive, no so naive, not so needy etc. etc. etc.!!!! UGHHH!!! AR (hug Actually, anger is a very good tool. Anger is what seems to be more powerful than sadness, so use it now to your best advantage. Then find some cute guy who doesn't make you feel angry anymore;)
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Write as many draft emails to him that you want...For theraputic reasons only.. Do NOT send them, delete them afterwards. Venting at him this way might make you feel better.
SidLyon Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Promise FO, no more emails. I do respect you and the many others here too much for that ... but I know it's me I'm really respecting by going NC. I have to tell you, I woke up on the wrong side of revenge this morning. I'm ok now but for a minute there I was in a bit of trouble I can tell you....... I KNOW that's not the answer ...... and I do trust myself not to follow through on any of those thoughts. What has your experience been of how to manage the ANGER!! ?? (open to all forum that question?) And I know that much of that anger is directed at self ..... I thought I was smarter, more intuitive, no so naive, not so needy etc. etc. etc.!!!! UGHHH!!! AR (hug First of all I second that sending more e-mails just makes it look like you are looking for further contact. This is the problem with anger too - I frequently want to contact the OW to express my anger and sometimes take revenge. However I have manged to limit it; but mainly I resist and talk to Loveshack about it rather than actually do it. It's amazing how a bit of abuse from a fellow loveshacker serves to focus my attention away from the OW and onto being defensive in my replies. How to manage the anger - I write lengthy e-mails that sit in my drafts folder. Most of them are either to my H or the OW. I refine them until they are just right. Usually by the time they are finished they are quite polished and very biting but never abusive. The earlier drafts are very abusive! Then I leave them there and in the most I forget about them. Every few weeks I look through my drafts and have a bit of a chuckle. If my anger has dissipated, then I delete them. If it's still there then I keep them just in case. So far I've only sent 2 of these e-mails - one last December and the other in late April, both in direct response to the OW contacting my H; rather than just out of the blue. I don't intend to send any more and if she contacts him again I will be asking my H to either send a very blunt e-mail or a phone call either in my presence or from both of us. Sadly the paternity question is a fly in the ointment as I'm not quite sure when and whether this will come back to haunt us. I don't really want a young man knocking on the door in 10 years time asking if my H is his father. S
White Flower Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 First of all I second that sending more e-mails just makes it look like you are looking for further contact. This is the problem with anger too - I frequently want to contact the OW to express my anger and sometimes take revenge. However I have manged to limit it; but mainly I resist and talk to Loveshack about it rather than actually do it. It's amazing how a bit of abuse from a fellow loveshacker serves to focus my attention away from the OW and onto being defensive in my replies. How to manage the anger - I write lengthy e-mails that sit in my drafts folder. Most of them are either to my H or the OW. I refine them until they are just right. Usually by the time they are finished they are quite polished and very biting but never abusive. The earlier drafts are very abusive! Then I leave them there and in the most I forget about them. Every few weeks I look through my drafts and have a bit of a chuckle. If my anger has dissipated, then I delete them. If it's still there then I keep them just in case. So far I've only sent 2 of these e-mails - one last December and the other in late April, both in direct response to the OW contacting my H; rather than just out of the blue. I don't intend to send any more and if she contacts him again I will be asking my H to either send a very blunt e-mail or a phone call either in my presence or from both of us. Sadly the paternity question is a fly in the ointment as I'm not quite sure when and whether this will come back to haunt us. I don't really want a young man knocking on the door in 10 years time asking if my H is his father. S I did exactly what you did re the drafts. They are angry, frustrated emails to exMM that I never sent. I read them from time to time to remind myself of what I'd be feeling if I were still with him.
fooled once Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 AR <<hug>> Anger is good. It helps keep you on the right path of NC. And the self loathing <<<<HUG>>>>> Honey, I think many of us fOW; once we come out of the fog of thinking this relationship would be IT for us, the ONE; kick ourselves and feel "what was I thinking; I am smarter than that; what is wrong with me". That is when we need to reflect on US; on our values, our wishes, our dreams. We need to accept that we make mistakes, but we also need to realize that we don't want that sort of life/relationship. We need to learn from those mistakes and carry that knowledge forward in whatever we decide to do. To not do so makes us stupid, IMHO. You WILL get through this --- I promise! Just take some time to reflect on you, on what lead you to get involved with him in the first place. What was going on with you that put you in a position to be vulnerable, etc. Use that anger to be productive, not destructive, ya know?
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