Last Chance Texaco.....?

[MistyK]

AR,

Good for you! If he ever does manage to get his act together, he will respect you more for what you've done here - commanding some respect. I understand the emphasis you put on 'PLEASE call me if you get it together'...but hopefully by then you'll be happy with someone else and won't care when he does. He's already hurt you enough, and wouldn't it be so nice to have a clean slate with someone else?

Admiring your strength,

MK

[Aquarius Rising]

Well written, AR.

 

How do you feel now?

 

 

Like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow morning and wish I regret sending it ... because that's what always happens after I make a stand. But it's just so true........ actions do speak louder than words. And I need to show him that I'm better than this.... not just say it.

 

I'm worried about hitting the deck tomorrow though ........ it's my pattern...... but I've got to change it.

[Lyssa]

Like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow morning and wish I regret sending it ... because that's what always happens after I make a stand. But it's just so true........ actions do speak louder than words. And I need to show him that I'm better than this.... not just say it.

 

I'm worried about hitting the deck tomorrow though ........ it's my pattern...... but I've got to change it.

 

Don't regret it. You made an excellent decision and you know it.

 

Just remember that actions speak louder than words. If he can't execute what he promised you, then he isn't worth it - at all.

[MistyK]

Like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow morning and wish I regret sending it ... because that's what always happens after I make a stand.

 

 

AR,

I've been afflicted with the same problem. Maybe do yourself a big favor and wait a few days to check your email (look for a response from him)?That way you can savor feeling more in control and be more prepared to deal with whatever manipulation he will likely spew at you in return.....

[Aquarius Rising]

AR,

I've been afflicted with the same problem. Maybe do yourself a big favor and wait a few days to check your email (look for a response from him)?That way you can savor feeling more in control and be more prepared to deal with whatever manipulation he will likely spew at you in return.....

 

NO, sadly Lizzie60 is right, I won't hear from him now. That's his pattern, he will not respond to me at all, he will wait, confidently that I will calm down and get over it all in a few days or a week or so and then I'll contact him and away we go again. This is where I fall down, continually and habitually. He WILL not contact me now. He goes into 'wounded child' mode and waits for me to rescue him.

[MistyK]

Well, even that kind of lame silent treatment is manipulation. Can you make yourself busy for a while so you aren't tempted to contact him?

[Lyssa]

Well, even that kind of lame silent treatment is manipulation. Can you make yourself busy for a while so you aren't tempted to contact him?

 

Lame and childish. WTF.

 

Please don't cave in, AR. Do not contact him even if you do not hear from him from today onwards.

[Aquarius Rising]

Well, even that kind of lame silent treatment is manipulation. Can you make yourself busy for a while so you aren't tempted to contact him?

 

That's interesting Misty, I never thought of it like that....... but you're damn right it's manipulation ....... He is the MASTER of manipulation ...... even HE admits that.

 

Great! Thanks....... this gives me a different angle on his behaviour. I am such a rescuer ......... I get sucked in EVERY time. I'm going to look at this differently now you've spelled this out.

 

I have the day off tomorrow which is a shame, always much harder to be distracted. I'll spend the day on LS!!!

[Lizzie60]

You did the right thing... you go girl...

 

now YOU've got the power... not him...

 

Resist the temptation to contact him... (under NO circumstances)...

 

Move on with your life.. life is too short to waste it on a selfish SoB...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well done. If you ever have the chance to ask him a question though, the question should be this...

 

My daughter is still quite young and I can't see that happening in the near future.........

Is that what you want for me?? To hang on, while you continue to lead your own life? That's what you want for someone you profess to love?

[whichwayisup]

Congrats on sending that email. I really believe that if you stay in NC mode, your feelings for him will get less and less, and also, you will be able to see this situation much more clearly.

 

Let him act like a baby and whatever you do, don't contact him. If he contacts you by phone, don't answer. If he emails, send ONE last email telling him to re-read the previous email as you meant every word in it and to leave you alone until his divorce is official. (Meaning, he has proof of papers in his hand) Until then, focus on healing and being free of this drama.

[Aquarius Rising]

Lame and childish. WTF.

 

Please don't cave in, AR. Do not contact him even if you do not hear from him from today onwards.

 

You know what I SO VERY MUCH want to promise you that.... I will not cave in, even if I NEVER hear from him again!!!!!

 

Again, it comes down to, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.... if I never hear from him again....... what does that mean????

 

Not rocket-science?

 

AR

[whichwayisup]

He will react eventually and he'll pull all the tricks in the book out, so be aware! You know how manipulative he is and how he knows which buttons to press on you, so you will cave. Don't give him that satisfaction!! You are in control now, NOT him!

[Aquarius Rising]

Congrats on sending that email. I really believe that if you stay in NC mode, your feelings for him will get less and less, and also, you will be able to see this situation much more clearly.

 

Let him act like a baby and whatever you do, don't contact him. If he contacts you by phone, don't answer. If he emails, send ONE last email telling him to re-read the previous email as you meant every word in it and to leave you alone until his divorce is official. (Meaning, he has proof of papers in his hand) Until then, focus on healing and being free of this drama.

 

Love it!! and I'm going to believe you that my feelings will get less, it's weird they already have since I separated from my H. I just see him (MM) differently now.

 

You are ALL strong, proud, honourable women, and I feel like I'd be letting down ALL of SISTERHOOD if I let this man continue to manipulate my life. THANK-YOU SISTERS!!! One and all.....

 

Wow I only have to think if this was happening to my daughter, what would I tell her??????????????

 

AR

[jasminetea]

I just did............ OMG!!!]

Good. This could be the first step to looking after yourself properly. Its about time you treated yourself with respect it would seem.

 

 

Now you need to get some contingencies in place for when he contacts you with fresh promises. And I have no doubt that if you remain strong and break the pattern by not contacting him first, he will attempt to reel you back in.

 

Something to think about is that you may well be very vulnerable to his advances if you have no contact with him for a good few days/weeks.

[jasminetea]

Wow I only have to think if this was happening to my daughter, what would I tell her??????????????

 

AR

 

That's probably a really good way to look at it. Whenever you get into a situation that is unhealthy, imagine what you would tell your daughter if it were her in your position.

[Lyssa]

Wow I only have to think if this was happening to my daughter, what would I tell her??????????????

 

AR

 

That's probably a really good way to look at it. Whenever you get into a situation that is unhealthy, imagine what you would tell your daughter if it were her in your position.

 

Yes! A good way to look at it. Every time you feel like caving in - remind yourself - what would you tell your daughter at a time like this?

 

We have faith in you, AR - Don't let us down

[NoIDidn't]

I think his next move is going to be one of cruelty. The point of it will be for her to start to prove that she is worthy of more respect from him. Just like at the beginning of this thread how she wanted to prove to him that she does have a backbone in person.

 

Be ready for anything by NOT BEING AVAILABLE for any of it, AR. Get back into living your life. You and your family deserve better than that constant feeling of limbo over someone who only fits his manipulations of you in when he can.

[Owl]

AR, I'm going to try to give you one bit of advice.

 

What you do with it is up to you.

 

If you truly want to "take care of yourself and your daughter"...then you need to take ACTIVE MEASURES to prevent contact resuming between you and him.

 

Block his phone/email/IM/etc...

 

Remove his contact information from your phone/computer/etc...

 

If you can't/won't...then just accept that you've opted to be his "secret woman on the side"...and nothing more. Recognize that as your choice, and embrace it.

 

It really is that "simple" of an equation.

[MistyK]

I think his next move is going to be one of cruelty. The point of it will be for her to start to prove that she is worthy of more respect from him. Just like at the beginning of this thread how she wanted to prove to him that she does have a backbone in person.

 

Be ready for anything by NOT BEING AVAILABLE for any of it, AR. Get back into living your life. You and your family deserve better than that constant feeling of limbo over someone who only fits his manipulations of you in when he can.

 

I totally concur. Also be prepared for false promises, whining about missing you, and false apologies for how poorly he's treated you.

 

I noticed in the email you sent, you indicated that he should call you when he WANTS to divorce, rather than is divorced. Having been there, I understand that desire, and having issued a similar sentiment to my MM, I feel I should caution you about this. WANTING a divorce, and actually filing for one, let alone FINALIZING one are completely different animals. I always thought the hard part was him wanting the divorce - what an eye-opening experience to discover that's not even the tip of the iceberg.

[hoping2heal]

W2G Aquarius!! Congratulations on being a SMART cookie, as opposed to a CRUMBLING cookie; which is what you would of been had you had lunch today. You would of came home with your head spinning in directions, confusion set in, his manipulation mentally torturing you. ICK.

 

You know, good for you for seeing his crap for what it is. You are ahead of the curve in a lot of ways for admitting to yourself what's going on. He is manipulating you and he's selfish. What kind of person wants the woman he loves to wait and suffer several years until it's convinient for him? In fact, you know how you can tell if a MM loves you or a MW loves you? I have yet to see it, but the moment I do I will believe that the MM/MW did love the OW/OM. When that person LEAVES OW/OM. Because up until that point, that's all it is; manipulation and notions and nothing more.

 

Someone wise once said something to me; he said "you are what you do, you are NOT what you say" . Food for thought, your married partners may tell you romantic things, whisk you off on private vacations etc. but in reality, someone who trully loves and cares about YOU, will leave if he/she is married rather than have you shamed for being an adulterer, rather than pull you into the web of lies teaching you to decieve and perhaps cover up THEIR lies too, they will not manipulate you to no end, they will not afford you the opportunity to feel guilty and become angry with yourself for having an affair. Someone that loves you won't put you through so much hell and shame, just for their temporary benefit.

 

Again BRAVO, I am very proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. You are a steps ahead in the right direction by realising that this man's actions are all about serving himself; you are not under some unrealistic motion that this is a love affair. I'm proud of you .

 

Remember something important Aquarius The "feeling" of love is useless without the "action" of love. I told that to my best friend, when I urged her to come clean with all the lying and cheating she was doing to her fiance. I said if he's going to love and marry you, at least come out with a clean slate and let him decide if he still wants to proceed. Her response was : "I can't tell him or he'll probably leave, and I can't lose him because I love him!" Do you see? She very much had "feelings" of love, but she didn't love him in the true sense because her actions were anything BUT loving.

[fooled once]

Oh AR

 

Part of me wants to smack you in the head <said with care and concern> and the other part of me wants to hug you!

 

First of all --- stop stop stop communicating with him. When I last left you; you were so strong, so sure. You KNEW you weren't going to settle for less than you deserve.

 

Then I sign on this morning and my jaw feel open. Being at work, I couldn't really reply as I had too much to do.

 

Now -- sweetie; YOU are a good person. YOU are a loving woman. YOU have a forgiving soul. YOU have compassion and caring.

 

HE knows this and is going to use this against you.

 

Look at him for the lous he is. He is a user. He is a cheater. He is unfaithful. He is a deceiver. He is a liar. He is untrustworthy. He is a jack a**.

 

YOU deserve better.

 

YOU should not settle for anything less.

 

And yes, I always try to use the analogy of "If your daughter were in YOUR shoes, what would your advise be to her?"

 

Would you want her with such a selfish man? Would you want her to be a 'dirty little secret'? Would you want her to lower her standards?

 

Heck no.

 

And neither should you.

 

You should only want a man around your kids who can be a fantastic role model. Someone for them to look up to; get advice from; someone honorable. Not someone who lies, cheats and is a user and an emotional abuser.

 

Don't you dare settle for that kind of person.

 

Have faith in YOU. Have faith that there is a plan for you and it isn't to be someone's seconds. YOU should be #1; not #2 when he has time.

 

The man who has your heart should want to shout it from the rooftops to anyone who will listen LOL He should be proud to have you on his arm. He should want to show you off.

 

And that my friend is NOT this jack a**.

 

I don't care if he told his wife today it was over. He can't come to you because he isn't good enough FOR you. He would need major therapy to get him to the point where he was good for you and I don't think he can change enough LOL

 

Stay strong.

 

IGNORE HIM.

 

Do NOT meet up with him because you aren't strong enough yet to not fall for his lies and manipulation!!

 

Got it???

[Aquarius Rising]

Oh AR

 

Part of me wants to smack you in the head <said with care and concern> and the other part of me wants to hug you!

 

First of all --- stop stop stop communicating with him. When I last left you; you were so strong, so sure. You KNEW you weren't going to settle for less than you deserve.

 

Then I sign on this morning and my jaw feel open. Being at work, I couldn't really reply as I had too much to do.

 

Now -- sweetie; YOU are a good person. YOU are a loving woman. YOU have a forgiving soul. YOU have compassion and caring.

 

HE knows this and is going to use this against you.

 

Look at him for the lous he is. He is a user. He is a cheater. He is unfaithful. He is a deceiver. He is a liar. He is untrustworthy. He is a jack a**.

 

YOU deserve better.

 

YOU should not settle for anything less.

 

And yes, I always try to use the analogy of "If your daughter were in YOUR shoes, what would your advise be to her?"

 

Would you want her with such a selfish man? Would you want her to be a 'dirty little secret'? Would you want her to lower her standards?

 

Heck no.

 

And neither should you.

 

You should only want a man around your kids who can be a fantastic role model. Someone for them to look up to; get advice from; someone honorable. Not someone who lies, cheats and is a user and an emotional abuser.

 

Don't you dare settle for that kind of person.

 

Have faith in YOU. Have faith that there is a plan for you and it isn't to be someone's seconds. YOU should be #1; not #2 when he has time.

 

The man who has your heart should want to shout it from the rooftops to anyone who will listen LOL He should be proud to have you on his arm. He should want to show you off.

 

And that my friend is NOT this jack a**.

 

I don't care if he told his wife today it was over. He can't come to you because he isn't good enough FOR you. He would need major therapy to get him to the point where he was good for you and I don't think he can change enough LOL

 

Stay strong.

 

IGNORE HIM.

 

Do NOT meet up with him because you aren't strong enough yet to not fall for his lies and manipulation!!

 

Got it???

 

Fooled Once you're amazing ..... I should be paying you for this kind of advice/support........ I GOT IT!!! I promise.

 

MM replied by email this morning, I have NOT responded. I knew he would either go sit in his cave or do the opposite and reaffirm me which is what he did. I CAN'T help but see that as just another form of manipulation. If he endorses my decision ... it is harder for me to NOT like him. I KNOW DAMN WELL NOW ... it's more MANIPULATION on his part because he knows I am compassionate.

 

I would gladly accept both your slap across the head, and your hug. You are a true friend ... and we have never even met. How wonderful!

 

AR

[Aquarius Rising]

Remember something important Aquarius The "feeling" of love is useless without the "action" of love.

 

That's what I've been missing ........ that's the missing piece I just couldn't see ....... I cried when I read this. It is absolute truth.

 

Thank-you so very much H2H

 

AR

[Aquarius Rising]

AR, I'm going to try to give you one bit of advice.

 

What you do with it is up to you.

 

If you truly want to "take care of yourself and your daughter"...then you need to take ACTIVE MEASURES to prevent contact resuming between you and him.

 

Block his phone/email/IM/etc...

 

Remove his contact information from your phone/computer/etc...

 

If you can't/won't...then just accept that you've opted to be his "secret woman on the side"...and nothing more. Recognize that as your choice, and embrace it.

 

It really is that "simple" of an equation.

 

Owl, I have always appreciated your advice even if at times I have not agreed or followed it. Do or Do not stays with me on a daily basis. It is a profound statement ... it is all about choice. I will BLOCK his email and phone... I have made it clear this time that I NO LONGER CHOOSE TO BE THE OTHER WOMAN ....... now I need to put that in action as you have always encouraged me to.

 

AR