vertical Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Hello, My last few posts have been up and down, and this one is very down. I have noted before that my girlfriend and i have one of the hardest relationships ever. We like each other so much but there is a huge problem. Because of her famillies religous beliefs she is not allowed to date at all until she is 18. We just got done talking and it has been a very rough night. We were planning on a sneaky deal, where she would stay in her camper tonight and after her parents went to bed i would sneak over and we would finally have some alone time, which we have had non of. It had been the topic of the weekend and when the time finally came, her parents didnt let her. They said she could not sleep in the camper, that it was too "un safe". This made her mad and she continued to yell at her parents until she was grounded, making her even more upset. We continued to talk and though we were upset that the night was ruined, we became stronger as she said i didnt have to deal with her family and that i could break up with her and she would understand. To which i responded that i would never break up with her and i would wait until she is able. But we are searching for ways to be together. We have to see each other. We live in a small town and the only time we get to see each other is in class at night. But while we are in class her friends are there and there is no privacy at all. We desperatly need the privacy and we need to be alone or i fear we are going to go crazy. I come here asking for advice. We have many ideas, such as her staying in her back yard instead and me sneaking over, or her staying downstairs (where none of her family sleeps) and i would sneak the window. She can not sneak out for if she got caught she would be in more trouble then she can handle, so i have to sneak in somewhere. But these ideas are insane beacuse of the risk. I ask of you to help me in trying to find ways we can hang out. Her parents already have suspicion of her liking me and they absolutely forbid us to be together during the day. Please do not say "This is not a good relationship, you need to end it" because it will not help. I am not leaving her because of this. I just ask if anyone has any ideas to give me so that we can hang out. Regardless of the risk level, i dont care. Just please keep in mind that she can not sneak out. Thank you in advanced. We are both very emotional at the moment and anything you can give me will help. And thank you for reading all of this, i know it is long and i appologize.
Confusedalways Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Why doesn't she get dropped off at a girlfriends house during the day and you meet her there and then do whatever? Or have her parents drop her off at the mall to meet a female friend, but really she is meeting you? Meeting together at night is not the best plan, if you're caught both of you are in deep. If you're caught together during the day, it's a lot less 'risque' in the eyes of the parents. Plus, there isn't any other optins than the ones you have already said which are obviously way too risky, as you yourself said. Other than what you said there's not a lot you can do, is there any way to get her parents to warm up to you? What is the issue?
Author vertical Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 The thing is, they are already warmed to me. They love me... the only thing is they hate her daughter dating and they wont let her. It has nothing to do with me personally, it would be any guy she liked. I had the same ideas, such as her being dropped off at the mall to see her friends and then i hang out with her there, but she told me that after she told her mom that she was going to the mall her mom instantly wanted to call the friends parents in order to make sure she was going to be safe. So that is out of the question. Her parents are the big problem, and until she is 18 they wont stop. That is why we have been resorting to the sneaking out at night. Yeah, it will be risky, but there is nothing else we can do. I just need more ideas on what we can do to hang out, at night if need be.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Well, seeing as how you can get into deep doo-doo just stepping onto another person's property like that (no permission from the homeowner), why do YOU have to be the one to take all the risk? I don't understand why SHE can't be the one to sneak OUT. She's the one with overbearing parents. Otherwise, I say hang tight until she's 18. If it is truly love, it can wait. "Love is patient..." How much longer until she's 18, anyway?
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 OK...I have to really give some thought to this. How old are you and how long until she's 18? Because I seriously would propose that you NOT go the sneaky route. Because if you DO get caught, that could put the kibosh on her parents EVER trusting you. I personally would go talk to the parents. Explain that you two really like each other and it doesn't seem to be going away no matter how much you try to deny it. See if they'd be willing to let you two hang out together at her house with a "chaperone," so to speak. If it's love and not lust, I don't see what the problem is with having someone there. Being honest will get you far further than being sneaky. And if you see a future with this girl, it'd be wise to get on the good side of her parents.
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 She's 16..... Sheesh! She's barely old enough..... I think you either need to cool it completely, and agree to a completely celibate relationship until she's older - or cut and run. You've only known her about 5 weeks!
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 She's 16..... Sheesh! She's barely old enough..... I think you either need to cool it completely, and agree to a completely celibate relationship until she's older - or cut and run. You've only known her about 5 weeks! Uhhhh...in this case, I say it's DEFINITELY better to talk to her parents and see if you can at least have a relationship within the safety of their home. But if you are bound and determined to sneak around, go for it. Just don't say you weren't warned.
Author vertical Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 I have known her for much longer then 5 weeks... where did that come from? I dont want to cut and run either. I agree, talking to her parents does look like the best route, but i know the outcome. They wont approve, especially because they already have suspicion and have made up their minds without actually knowing anything. She cant sneak out, because if she gets caught sneaking out then she will have a huge punishment. Me sneaking in yes would be a bigger punishment, but she isnt comfortable with sneaking out and so we are stuck. So the talking to the parents thing is out. Maybe a different thing all together, where she does sneak out or something is in order, but i cant see that going anywhere.
Lyssa Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I think the only thing you can do here is to respect her parents wish, as sucks as it may be.
Vesaras Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 wow...I feel your pain man. My girlfriend and I are in practically the exact same situation, except it isn't due to religion. It's due to her family's traditions as a chinese family. Parents are overly protective of daughters basically. Anyways. Try to talk to her parents first, if that doesn't work...THEN you can think about sneaking around. It is not the best of ideas...but if you really have no other recourse, that's your decision. I personally talked to my girl's parents, and it didn't help much. So we resolved to sneak around. It's tricky business. We don't like doing it...but we can't bear not to see one another. Anyways...some suggestions for if you decide to sneak around. We have some friends who are incredibly sympathetic to our situation. Sometimes, they offer to cover for us, meaning she can say she's going to the mall or movies with a girlfriend, and that friend will cover for her if the parents call. Do her parents work? If so, you can always drop by during the mornings, assuming you can drive or the distance is short enough to walk. We have one mutual friend between the two of us that is incredibly helpful because her parents are sympathetic to our situation for some reason. My girlfriend will sometimes say she's going over to the friend's place, and even the parent will cover for us. I hope these help. If not, I can probably come up with some more suggestions for you. Just ask. You two arent the only ones in this situation! Stay strong, it'll work out. One little warning...PLAN PLAN PLAN!!!! Plan for every possible error, plan excuses for every possible slip up. Plan things from EVERY angle that you can possibly imagine. and...DONT GET CAUGHT...sneaking around means there's always a risk of getting caught. Getting caught could essentially alienate the parents completely. Also...I don't really like that she's not willing to sneak out, and that you're the only one that has to sneak in. What difference does it make...? Either way if you get caught the reprocussions will be the same. With her not willing to sneak out, it's limiting your options. One last thing...THIS IS A LAST RESORT!! Sneak around only AFTER you have exhausted all possible options that you can think of. I wish you 2 luck
Author vertical Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Vesaras, thank you for understanding our problem. I am glad to know that we are not alone in this situation. Talking to her parents have the worst outcome i fear. Like i said, they already have their suspicions, and if they KNOW something is going on with me and her, then she might get more restrictions then she already does and it will make things much, much worse. You say plan plan plan, and that is what i did for her parents, and i know the outcome. As far as sneaking out, i will talk to her more about her sneaking out too. We are not as fortunate as you though. She doesnt want to let any friends in on the situation. She has told me, and i have seen it before, that she has huge trust issues. I told her we should tell someone, but she always thinks that someone will tell their parents or something, and then tell her parents. She has asked me not to tell anyone, and i wish to respect that. So that is my story, i would love some more advice if you can help. I will talk to her about her sneaking out, and i will see. But i dont expect her to change her mind about it, unfortunately.
Lucky_One Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I agree, talking to her parents does look like the best route, but i know the outcome. They wont approve, especially because they already have suspicion and have made up their minds without actually knowing anything. She cant sneak out, because if she gets caught sneaking out then she will have a huge punishment. Me sneaking in yes would be a bigger punishment, but she isnt comfortable with sneaking out and so we are stuck. So the talking to the parents thing is out. Maybe a different thing all together, where she does sneak out or something is in order, but i cant see that going anywhere. You don't KNOW anything. You fear and you suspect, and maybe your suspicions would be right, but you are behaving like a child. And THIS is why her parents fear her being alone with you, because you are not making rational decisions. Have your parents invite her parents over for dinner without her, so that they can see you interact and see your family. Then have them ask the entire family. Integrate yourself into their family ONLY during times when the parents are there. Be helpful, be polite, be respectful. You will not go crazy without being alone with her. Being alone, with the way you sound, sounds like a recipe for disaster. And what you are proposing NOW is insane.
alpha wizard Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 You will not regret waiting to get super-involved in the relationship. Sounds like she cares about you alot. If you get caught sneaking in her house, her parents will probably think you are a bad boy for a very long time. Apparently her parents love and care about her alot, that makes it more likely she'd be a good mother; you're in luck!
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 You'll only cause more problems for yourself and for the girl by sneaking in. You don't think her parents wont punish her for inviting a boy in at night? And she's 16... so how old does that make you? Either wait until she's 18, or move on, or accept it for how it is right now.
carhill Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Beware of the lure of the forbidden fruit. I'm speaking of your erstwhile paramour here. You're exciting because you're forbidden. All this angst and drama and subterfuge and when she's 18 and 'free', you'll likely be long forgotten, especially if she rails against her parent's philosophies and goes 'wild'. Not very romantic but a very real possibility to consider. Sometimes, even when there is a connection, life controls the results. We can't have everything we want. Or, we can, just in different ways
Author vertical Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Well any way that this turns out, i just want to have some alone privacy time with her. I am 18, and she is 16. I really hope that you are wrong and she wont just flip a turn and run away when she is "free". That does raise suspicion though. I will have to talk to her about it. I am not behaiving like a child, either. I am looking at this rationally. Her parents are already seeing me as a nice guy, yeah, but as a threat. They know she has feelings for me and they dont want that. If i have feelings back they will get even more mad and restricting. If anything it is being careful, not being a child.
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Sneaking into someone's house isn't being careful. It's being irresponsible. And kind of child like. Also could be conceived as criminal like. I hope you don't intend on having sex with her.... you could face some nasty charges.. and it sounds like her parents wouldn't hesitate.
Lyssa Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Sneaking into someone's house isn't being careful. It's being irresponsible. And kind of child like. Also could be conceived as criminal like. I hope you don't intend on having sex with her.... you could face some nasty charges.. and it sounds like her parents wouldn't hesitate. I can't see how this is going to turn out well. OP, you're not being careful - you're being irresponsible.
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I can't see how this is going to turn out well. OP, you're not being careful - you're being irresponsible. It wont turn out well. I see in OP's future, getting some sort of trespassing ticket at the least.
Author vertical Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 It wont turn out well. I see in OP's future, getting some sort of trespassing ticket at the least. Then can you give advice that isnt that im going to get in trouble? Some other way we can hang out?
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Then can you give advice that isnt that im going to get in trouble? Some other way we can hang out? Either talk to the parents, or abide by what they are allowing now. You're a legal adult. She is a teenager. You are bound to get yourself in all sorts of trouble if you try any of that sneaking in crap.
Mary3 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Here are some ideas for you : ( I won't lecture you because I too was once a teen ) Go to the movies . Have her gf go. Its dark in there. You come in and sit down next to her. Gf keeps her phone on. If her mom calls ,you alert her and she picks up the phone. School events ( if any are going on right now ) . Like football games , baseball games , soccer games. Have her go with a gf. You meet them there. You go behind the bleachers and get some nice kisses Sneaking in her house could get you shot. But if you must , does she have a shed outside ? IF she does , come over late , walk to the shed , wait for her to come outside and you both sneak in there. Any of the above ideas I wish you luck . Don't shoot me if something goes wrong...Awhh teen love
Els Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I know I sound like a bitch for saying this, but the parents' utterly unreasonable and excessive behaviour (calling on friends' parents to check EACH time she goes to the mall?? When she's 16??? What????) sort of waives their right to honesty on the couple's behalf, IMHO. All of you guys who are suggesting 'reasonable' measures like talking to the parents are assuming that the parents will behave like reasonable people. If what the OP says is true, they certainly have shown no signs of being so. And news flash: plenty of parents aren't. Mine have threatened to remove all my methods of communication and freedom (extreme version of being grounded for one's entire student life) if they ever caught me entering a lancafe. Eh? They'd probably break my legs or something if they ever caught me entering a bar, I'd figure. I can understand that in such a situation talking to them might only cause them to up the ante, because they can tell that (1) you're serious about this and they'd better get serious too (2) it reminds them of the 'danger', whereas you staying out of the picture may allow them to forget and slack up a bit. She seems to have a LOT of other restrictions that she's picking and choosing with, though. She doesn't have ANY friends whom she doesn't even trust to not betray her to her parents?? Seriously??? Also, what are both of you doing during the day if you only see each other during class at night? I assume the 'night' class is an extra class like art or something, not school? If her parents are open to such stuff I'd suggest she say she wants to take something like language classes -- then go for a few weeks, and once it becomes routine enough for them not to be suspicious about it, just drop it without telling them and hang with you instead. You sneaking in though; dude, you could get a criminal record or a restraining order. She needs to toughen up and decide: she sneak out or you two find some other way. This way is FAR TOO RISKY for you. Both of you. Oh and just to add, I'd like to emphasize what Vesaras says about planning for every possible outcome. In the past, I'd successfully sneaked around for 5 years or so without ever getting caught. What I'd do is -- if there is even the slightest chance of a 'no recovery' situation except in the case of extremely rare circumstances (such as a riot occuring where my guy and I are and pictures being taken for the newspaper, lol), I don't do it, period. I wait. Patience and not desperation is essential here.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 if they ever caught me entering a lancafe. Eh? They'd probably break my legs or something if they ever caught me entering a bar, I'd figure. Cultural reference lost. What is a lancafe?
collegekid491 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 You say not to tell you to break it off, yet from what you describe it sounds like you know its the answer but you just... don't want to. Lets look a bit into the future shall we? Her parents will eventually find out, like even if she's almost 17, thats a whole year to screw up just once, it will happen. If they find out, they will end it by being even MORE strict with her. If by some miracle they don't find out, and by some other miracle you still like each other by the time she's 18, the day they find out you were lurking around with their daughter behind their backs, your not warm anymore, your unwelcome. And as already said, if they catch you sneaking into their house... well the whole situation becomes 10x worse. The other thing is also, its pretty obvious her parents know. I mean, the situations you describe, its alot of effort on the parents behalf as well, its not all just not working out. I mean, heck, you could just hop onto her for some physical gratification that will last a short time, but I'm assuming your not a complete ass and looking long term. Long term forcast... doable but not the way you want.
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