dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 See K, you know exactly what to do! I'm so proud of you!
Ariadne Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 You always say those men don't affect me a great deal . They do. PhD, I'm getting it done...I'm actually starting to feel like I'm an expert at something. Well, at least you don't seem devastated about it. And congratulations on the PhD! Good going! Enjoy Europe.
You'reasian Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Taking deep breath. It's over. I decided to end things with Mr. Separation. Something just wasn't quite right... While I'm ready for something serious, he's still sorting himself, his marriage and his family out. I was getting frustrated lately over the pace of things. Makes sense really when you think about it. I'm okay. Not gloriously relieved, but I know this is for the best. I only hope I have the strenght to stay away this time. Sorry it didn't work out for you, Kamille. I guess he's the one that got away.
loveslife Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 PhD, I'm getting it done. That's the work I have to do here before Europe. It's going well, thanks for asking. I'm actually starting to feel like I'm an expert at something.. What's the subject? As to this one, walking away is part of me amending my commitmentphobic ways. I do want a beautiful healthy relationship, one where I am fully committed, so I have to stop investing in relationships that enable me to keep one foot in and one foot out. This is BIG. I'm a trying-to-reform commitmentphobe and need to keep this in mind for myself. A lot of people don't recognize this as a part of their pattern. They might bemoan that relationships don't work out - yet they spend years in no-win relationships. I'm convinced being in such relationships is a way to avoid having to commit. Sometimes the person never realizes what they're doing though. You have AND you're doing something about it! Honestly, this is a great move for the both of you. He needs to not have a crutch, to get his act together. Men going through divorces don't know which way is up. And you, sweetness, you are ready for something more. It sounds like you're leaving things on good terms. I'm so proud of you!
Author Kamille Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 This is BIG. I'm a trying-to-reform commitmentphobe and need to keep this in mind for myself. A lot of people don't recognize this as a part of their pattern. They might bemoan that relationships don't work out - yet they spend years in no-win relationships. I'm convinced being in such relationships is a way to avoid having to commit. Sometimes the person never realizes what they're doing though. You have AND you're doing something about it! Thanks loveslife! It does feel like a huge important step, and I have moments when I am truly proud of myself for extricating myself just at the right moment. Honestly, this is a great move for the both of you. He needs to not have a crutch, to get his act together. Men going through divorces don't know which way is up. And you, sweetness, you are ready for something more. I was starting to feel like a crutch, to be honest. I hope I've helped me along the way of gaining a bit of perspective on the divorce as he finds his way foward - but who knows. Only he can sort it all out. It sounds like you're leaving things on good terms. I'm so proud of you! Thanks again. We did leave things on good terms. I think we have way too much respect for each other to let things go sour. And that's precisely why it didn't make sense to me to continue dating him. I was starting to feel I was compromising too much, and that was leading me to start resenting him. I feel that taking responsibility for myself is admitting the situation isn't for me, in spite of the fact that this man is wonderful.
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I was starting to feel I was compromising too much, and that was leading me to start resenting him. I feel that taking responsibility for myself is admitting the situation isn't for me, in spite of the fact that this man is wonderful.And another one for the list. Understanding what makes you tick and where to set your personal boundaries. You'll find that boundary pushers will drive you insane after awhile. It's a component of respect, in that any consistent boundary pushing, means they don't respect you. Taking personal responsibility also means that you know when to push back, previous to resentment.
Author Kamille Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Taking personal responsibility also means that you know when to push back, previous to resentment. Good point, and not my forte -or his- I admit. I did push back in this instance, but the situation is what it is. He cannot accelerate his divorce, is trying to juggle an angry stb ex-wife as well as some confused kids. He has choices to make and things to figure out. And that means I can't be his priority, no matter how hard he tries to make it so. This meant that I felt our relationship was stalling. In all, I would say that at least here I have learned to be bluntly honest when it comes to my needs.
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Good point, and not my forte -or his- I admit. I did push back in this instance, but the situation is what it is. He cannot accelerate his divorce, is trying to juggle an angry stb ex-wife as well as some confused kids. He has choices to make and things to figure out. And that means I can't be his priority, no matter how hard he tries to make it so. This meant that I felt our relationship was stalling. In all, I would say that at least here I have learned to be bluntly honest when it comes to my needs.Yup, separated and recently divorced people tend to be confused, albeit not always, since their emotions are all over the map. Add in the kids component and many times you have baby momma or baby dadda drama, so you'll never be THE priority, if that's what you need. Not everyone does though, which is also fine. Self-admittedly, I NEED to be THE priority in a relationship. If I don't get it, I walk.
Author Kamille Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 hmmm. In a way, I need to be a priority too. Or at least I need to feel like my partner is present and ready to move foward with me, along with the other important people in his life. He isn't ready for that.
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Yup, separated and recently divorced people tend to be confused, albeit not always, since their emotions are all over the map. Add in the kids component and many times you have baby momma or baby dadda drama, so you'll never be THE priority, if that's what you need. Not everyone does though, which is also fine. Self-admittedly, I NEED to be THE priority in a relationship. If I don't get it, I walk. I learned that I am the same way. I don't like to come in second. K, I think this is great that your learning these things about yourself! I also think though, that it is selfish of him if he's coming to you asking for you to reconsider. If he continues to do this, I think it'd be in your best interest to avoid contact.
Touche Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 And now you're one step closer to finding the right man AND the right situation for you. Hang in there, Kamille.
Ariadne Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 And now you're one step closer to finding the right man AND the right situation for you. Hang in there, Kamille. (Kamille is going to be in love with another guy in two months)
Author Kamille Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 (Kamille is going to be in love with another guy in two months) NOOO NOOO I have to finish my thesis! Gulp... Oh no, I just jinxed myself didn't I?
Ariadne Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 NOOO NOOO I have to finish my thesis! Gulp... Oh no, I just jinxed myself didn't I? Ok ok, some Italian or French guy in Europe then. See, at least guys seem to like you a lot. Maybe that's a part of it.
Isolde Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Your story proves that often, a bad situation might present itself with a good person. Learning to walk away isn't always a matter of, "Oh, he's a jerk! I deserve better." If only it were that simple. I might not be very experienced, but I feel like walking away from a good thing usually bodes well... it just seems to work out that way.
Touche Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Your story proves that often, a bad situation might present itself with a good person. Learning to walk away isn't always a matter of, "Oh, he's a jerk! I deserve better." If only it were that simple. I might not be very experienced, but I feel like walking away from a good thing usually bodes well... it just seems to work out that way. Or is it more a matter of walking away with your dignity intact?
Isolde Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Or is it more a matter of walking away with your dignity intact? Only Kamille can really answer that, I think.
Touche Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Only Kamille can really answer that, I think. Yes, of course.
motive2002 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Kamille is finally available??? :bunny: On a more serious note... I'm glad to see that you were able to recognize your needs and act upon that. It takes a lot of courage Hang in there.
Author Kamille Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Your story proves that often, a bad situation might present itself with a good person. Learning to walk away isn't always a matter of, "Oh, he's a jerk! I deserve better." If only it were that simple. I might not be very experienced, but I feel like walking away from a good thing usually bodes well... it just seems to work out that way. Or is it more a matter of walking away with your dignity intact? I'm not sure I understand what you mean, but I do feel like I am getting smarter about dating, so in that sense, yes it bodes well. And yes, leaving with my -and his- dignity intact does feel good. It's good not to get to the point where we are tearing each other apart. And also, it bodes well because it reinforces my trust in my own judgement. So I feel like I am gaining confidence not only on my capacities to fend for myself, but also to leave my heart open to love - if that makes sense. And, last note, hey Motive, how ya' doing?
motive2002 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 And, last note, hey Motive, how ya' doing? Recovering from my last break-up.. ..hanging around the shack.. if you lived closer I'd offer to buy you a drink
Touche Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Kamille, you understand what I meant perfectly. You're doing great! Growth is good.
sb129 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I'm not sure I understand what you mean, but I do feel like I am getting smarter about dating, so in that sense, yes it bodes well. And yes, leaving with my -and his- dignity intact does feel good. It's good not to get to the point where we are tearing each other apart. And also, it bodes well because it reinforces my trust in my own judgement. So I feel like I am gaining confidence not only on my capacities to fend for myself, but also to leave my heart open to love - if that makes sense. Makes perfect sense Kamille- you are in a much better place than this time last year. Breaking up with him sounded like the best decision for you, you handled it really well I think. Roll on Europe!
sugarmomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Feels good to be putting yourself first, doesn't it? I know how hard it is to let go of someone you care for. I'm happy for you!!
Author Kamille Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Makes perfect sense Kamille- you are in a much better place than this time last year. Thanks SB and goodness yes I am in a much better space now than last year. Breaking my own patterns is empowering. Miss him like crazy though. Can't help getting those "what ifs". But the main feeling is that I am doing the right thing for myself, and whatever happens happens. Feels good to be putting yourself first, doesn't it? I know how hard it is to let go of someone you care for. I'm happy for you!! Sure does feel good and yes it is hard to let someone like that go. But the way I see it, the relationship we were forging wasn't doing him any justice because of the issues he has to tackle. Love you signature by the way !
Recommended Posts