shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Sorry if this is a little long. I dated a guy very briefly about a year ago. He was looking to casually date with no commitment, I was looking for more, so we decided to just be friends because we had a lot in common and really enjoyed each other. I tried to hang out a few times but he was never interested so our friendship became texting and contact on Facebook every week or two, which was fine. We live in the same area and run into each other at bars and clubs pretty regularly and his M.O. has been the same ever since we stopped dating. He lurks. In my proximity most of the night, will come up to me in the beginning of the evening say hello then just lurk. I thought it was just me imagining this until friends started pointing it out as well. He recently started dating someone, as did I, so I assumed this would stop. It hasn't. When I see him now, he's with his girlfriend in the beginning of the evening, then by himself lurking and walking by my group of friends very regularly. Why do guys do this? It is getting to be a little strange. Any input is appreciated
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 He's sexually attracted but doesn't want commitment. He wants you to notice him and hopes that he'll break you down. If you're not into quickies, keep your distance! Guys like this can be fun, with the right attitude. With the wrong attitude, you're looking at a ton of heartache.
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I have no idea why a guy would do this. But it's creepy as hell.
Author shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 He also called me not to long ago telling me that when we were all at the same bar together, the guy I am now seeing threatened him to stay away from me. Current guy says that never happened, I have no idea who to believe. Neither of them have any reason to lie that I can tell.
Confusedalways Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Well.. the ex does have reason to lie. To not look like a complete and total creeper - which he is. This is NOT normal.
Author shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Well, the last 2 times we've run into him, new guy has been not very nice due to him being tired of the lurking, but I guess that's a different story. I have always held this guy in high regards because when he realized we were looking for different things from each other, he was very up front and didn't lead me on to get what he wanted from me for as long as he could. I just wish I could understand this strange behaviour
carhill Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I just wish I could understand this strange behaviour Why? Leave it to a psychologist. Not your problem Try frequenting different social venues...
Author shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Why? Leave it to a psychologist. Not your problem Try frequenting different social venues... I guess because we do chat and I somewhat consider him a friend. He's generally a nice guy except for this. If I has a clue as to what it was about, maybe it would be easier to ignore or address. All of my friends hang out at these places, so I wouldn't really want to change. Other then this, I have great times at the places with the people that are there.
carhill Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Well, the last 2 times we've run into him, new guy has been not very nice due to him being tired of the lurking, but I guess that's a different story. Does this carry any weight in your decision-making process? Why? So, if you're choosing to not avoid the guy and can't control his behavior, the only avenue left is confrontation, preferably privately. Why do 'some' men lurk? Why do they stalk? Why do they do what they do? Maybe he's obsessed but can't figure his way out of the box. Maybe he's just a jerk in nice guy clothes? Maybe he's a nice guy without boundaries? See where this is going?
Author shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Does this carry any weight in your decision-making process? Why? So, if you're choosing to not avoid the guy and can't control his behavior, the only avenue left is confrontation, preferably privately. Why do 'some' men lurk? Why do they stalk? Why do they do what they do? Maybe he's obsessed but can't figure his way out of the box. Maybe he's just a jerk in nice guy clothes? Maybe he's a nice guy without boundaries? See where this is going? I see what you're saying. There are so many reasons it could be. I don't think he's a jerk, or back when we were dating, wouldn't he have just strung me along to get what he wanted rather then having shown the respect he did by being upfront and honest? I don't think it's obsession either, or he would be in contact with me way more I would think. I just don't know and don't know how to confront. I want to just ignore, but not knowing what's going on is making it harder
carhill Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 OK, let's try something else. What signals do you think you're sending out by being annoyed/curious/intrigued (you pick, IDK) by his 'lurking' and how does your psychology affect the events and yours and other's perceptions of them? If you want me to pick someone's brain, it can be yours
Author shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 OK, let's try something else. What signals do you think you're sending out by being annoyed/curious/intrigued (you pick, IDK) by his 'lurking' and how does your psychology affect the events and yours and other's perceptions of them? If you want me to pick someone's brain, it can be yours I'm friendly when he approaches me. Other then that, I ignore him
carhill Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Yes, but you're clearly thinking about him and his behavior, or else this thread would not have begun. Your emotions and thoughts affect your behaviors. Clearly, the new guy must've picked up on something. Have you talked with old guy's new GF?
Author shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Yes, but you're clearly thinking about him and his behavior, or else this thread would not have begun. Your emotions and thoughts affect your behaviors. Clearly, the new guy must've picked up on something. Have you talked with old guy's new GF? No. I wouldn't even know what to say to her. I agree that I am thinking about him and his behaviour. I don't believe that my thoughts and emotions are causing his behaviour though
carhill Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Your thoughts are not causing his behaviors but rather are affecting yours. Try changing your thinking as an experiment. See what happens. This is a foundation of psychotherapy. Not saying you need anything like that, but the principals are useful in many situations. Try it and see what happens. The worst that can happen is he'll continue lurking. Right? FWIW, I have these kinds of issues with women all the time. Very confusing. What I've learned is that it's OK to be confused and that it doesn't have to have a marked bearing on my life. Acceptance
Author shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Your thoughts are not causing his behaviors but rather are affecting yours. Try changing your thinking as an experiment. See what happens. This is a foundation of psychotherapy. Not saying you need anything like that, but the principals are useful in many situations. Try it and see what happens. The worst that can happen is he'll continue lurking. Right? FWIW, I have these kinds of issues with women all the time. Very confusing. What I've learned is that it's OK to be confused and that it doesn't have to have a marked bearing on my life. Acceptance At the risk of sounding stupid , change my thinking how? By not caring about it or why?
carhill Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 It's OK that he lurks. He's a nice guy. He's got a new girlfriend. I'm so happy for him. Smile. Move on. Sometimes, things are what they are. There are no hidden meanings to discover. Acceptance Try it....
Truly Lost Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Maybe this guy, even with a girlfriend, likes the thrill of having another woman be interested in him. It's a turn on. That's probably why he wants to linger around to see if you still have a residual attraction. He obviously is attracted to you physically, but doesn't want a commited relationship with you. If you gave him the slightest hint that you were still interested, it would make his day. His ego would be boosted. Who doesn't like that feeling? You were, at one point, interested and thats enough for him to be curious to see if it's still there.
Author shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Maybe this guy, even with a girlfriend, likes the thrill of having another woman be interested in him. It's a turn on. That's probably why he wants to linger around to see if you still have a residual attraction. He obviously is attracted to you physically, but doesn't want a commited relationship with you. If you gave him the slightest hint that you were still interested, it would make his day. His ego would be boosted. Who doesn't like that feeling? You were, at one point, interested and thats enough for him to be curious to see if it's still there. One would think after almost a year, he'd let it go. That's some serious staying power LOL. His ego must need some serious stroking. It didn't bother me all that much until my friends started pointing it out and I started seeing someone.
Author shootingstar1981 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 It's OK that he lurks. He's a nice guy. He's got a new girlfriend. I'm so happy for him. Smile. Move on. Sometimes, things are what they are. There are no hidden meanings to discover. Acceptance Try it.... I can try it, what have I got to lose, right? I hope I can just accept it in my mind because I wouldn't want to have to not go places that I like because of it. It hasn't gotten to that point yet and I am hoping it doesn't
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