Britishkid Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Hey guys this is my first time here...please no negative comments im just trying to get some advice...i have been dating this girl for a little over two months and we have basically fallen in love. I know were both very young(im 18, shes 17) but it just feels right this time. Weve both had countless failed, miserable relationships with horrible breakups and then we found each other. In our relationship everything is different...we dont fight, we get on great, just like friends but closer, we are really physically attracted to each other, we have so much in common its almost frightening. i wrote a list of everything i wanted in a girlfriend last year and i found it this week...she fits every criteria except for one: her parents are very christian and i am very atheist. This is something i am able to overlook and try not to let it get in the way so its not much of a problem, my real problem is this...When she was in 7th grade(i know its very messed up, she was 14), she was dating a guy just like me(he was also 18, but she was in 7th, also very messed up i know) Who was a seemingly good, caring boyfriend. He told her he loved her after a while and she soon began to have strong feelings for him. These only increased to the point that she was practically devoted to him. Then one night they went to a party, there was lots of people and music and beer. She was a very young girl who wasn't much of a drinker anyway. So when she inevitably got completely drunk up. Her boyfriend took her upstairs to get her out of the noisy enviroment and to cut a long story short, raped her. This was after several months of them dating and he got up when he was done. She was crying in the corner begging him to stay and tell her it was alright. All he did was walk out the front door and never called her again(he was her ride). Now several years later. Here i come along and i have no such intentions whatsoever. I love that girl and i would do anything for her but she is still very beautiful and im still a guy...i want to make love to her more than anything else. I want to show her that it cant all be painful and meaningless. That it can be done out of strong feelings between two people. Ive never experienced sex like this before but i strongly believe that it exists but shes scared out of her mind of me walking out on her and she has huge commitment issues(it took her a while to even be comfortable kissing me). Thats why when i threw a party and she came...we all got wasted...she spent the night literally curled up in my lap just saying my name over and over, telling me not to leave her while holding my hand so tight her knuckles were turning white and her other hand running through my hair and clinging on as if for dear life. I had the impression from her that she thought we were going to make love that night(she was staying the night at my house) but instead i got her telling me this story while shes curled up in my arms drunk out of her mind so thought it best to reconsider...now, i ask you. How should i go about taking our relationship forward without being insensitive to her? She isn't opposed to us becoming more intimate but she hasn't said that she was for it either...what should i do? This isnt event strictly talking about us having sex. I just want to bring a little more intimacy into our relationship...we only kiss occasionally because she is still kinda nervous and we hold hands. Thats it. She says she loves me quite frequently and i always reply in kind but i dont know how i should go about making a move...
motive2002 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Whatever you do, do it while you're sober, and go strictly at her pace. Do not hassle the issue of sex. Let it come naturally, if it comes at all. She may have religious concerns about pre-marital sex, or some other issues. If the story about the rape is true.. you had better be very easy with her. Give her ample time. You're both still really young. There's no need to rush it. If she really loves you, show her you've got respect for her and some self control. She'll appreciate that and when she's ready, perhaps you can take it to the next level. Just don't hassle it.
Amy22 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I agree with motive2002. Give this girl some time. 2 months dating isn't that long. Keep showing her how much you care about her and that you will be there. She will realize that you would never hurt her like that. When people are hurt like that it can take along time to trust again. It sounds like this is really hurting this girl and I really feel for her. Has she tried to seek professional help? It may help her come to terms with what happened and be able to deal with it better. Her holding your hand while her knuckles turn white and for her to keep saying for you not to leave her. She sounds terrified. I really think she should seek out some help. This may not be something you can do, though you can be there to support her and show her you would never do that to her. It sounds like she could use some help on how to cope with this. I would really encourage her to get some professional help. Someone who can talk to her about how to cope with what happened to her. She will be in my thoughts as it sounds like she is having a really rough time. I also commend you for sticking with her and trying to help her. Just from what you described it sounds like she may need some additional help. She shouldn't have to be terrified like that. Good luck to both of you.
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