pandagirl Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 So, I am still seeing the same guy. It's been about a month and six or seven dates in. Things are progressing well, at a pace that is comfortable to me. Here's the thing: we haven't had sex yet. We have fooled around a bunch, but no actually "insertion." haha. He still won't sleepover though and I can't sleepover at his place either. He straight-up told me that isn't something he does until a later phase of dating, and that he is a horrible sleeper (this is true, I've seen his nightstand of ear plugs and sleeping pills). His actions towards me are sweet and sincere. He hasn't logged into the dating site that we met on in two weeks. When we are together, he is very affectionate and the chemistry is incredible. However, as much as I am ready to have sex with him, I certainly don't want to have sex then be kicked out of bed to walk home! Is this strange to anyone, or should I respect his boundaries and not be offended? Am I being unreasonable in my reaction, since, otherwise, he treats me great?
Jilly Bean Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 PG - what is the definition of "a later stage of dating"? Does he mean commitment or exclusivity? Engagement? Living together? I guess you need to know what that nebulous phrase really means.
The Blue Pill Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I don't see the problem; there is no rule that you have to stay the night after intercourse. The guy doesn't know you well enough to reveal all of his flaws then. If he's not comfortable with a sleepover, then skip it! What about afternoon delight instead? Of course, if he's not ready for sex yet, then he's not ready. Let it work itself out in time. If you're that anxious, you can always 'take care of yourself' until he does!
sedona Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 It's only been a month. That's really not a long time in the grand scheme of things. it sounds like he really likes you and you like him. So give it time and enjoy! As for the sleepover business - if the two of you stay a couple, then of course you'll have to work this out - but there's got to be a solution. You'll find it too, but a month is too soon to know if you want to commit yourself to this guy for the long run. Maybe he's nervous about how you'll react, maybe he's had some negative experiences before. Who knows?
You'reasian Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 His actions towards me are sweet and sincere. He hasn't logged into the dating site that we met on in two weeks. When we are together, he is very affectionate and the chemistry is incredible. However, as much as I am ready to have sex with him, I certainly don't want to have sex then be kicked out of bed to walk home! Is this strange to anyone, or should I respect his boundaries and not be offended? Am I being unreasonable in my reaction, since, otherwise, he treats me great? Why do you think you'd have to be kicked out of bed to walk home?
RunawayTrain Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I was also like that with my ex fiancee when we were engaged. It took me a good three months after dating to actually stay the night at her place. To me that was very intimate and it took me time to adjust. I couldn't sleep also the first few times I slept over. Whats wrong with having sex and then afterwords cuddling or watching a movie, nothing says you have to get up and leave right away.
dreamergrl Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 PG, I'm like you, I want the 'sleeping next to' thing after sex. It doesn't feel the same to have to leave afterward. Maybe, if he's ready to have sex, do as others suggested... have some afternoon fun between the sheets Then after, you can still hang out, chill, do whatever. Maybe next time you have plans, slot in some time for this prior, and surprise him. If he's not ready for sex, then take it slow and enjoy things! Don't let the sleeping over thing bug ya too much. Some people don't sleep well next to others right away, and need time to get used to it. Also, I agree with JB - talk to him, find out the phases of the relationship to him, so you can both be on the same page. It will all work itself out :cool:
The Blue Pill Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Unlike runaway, I had sleepovers with my last GF long before we dated. I was trying for the whole FWB plan, but she wanted more, so it went from there. We slept over together many times before we actually had intercourse.
RunawayTrain Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Yeah I am weird like that. Prior to my engagement back in the day. I had relationships and quite a few one nighters, none of which actually stayed the night lol so to speak. Maybe kinda hit and run ?
Author pandagirl Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Well, let me clarify a little: he is definitely ready for sex. He hasn't pressured me one bit, but I know he won't turn it down either. I'm not thinking so much about "long-term" potential. I've never dated a guy who had issues sleeping over -- it wasn't a big deal. It didn't indicate anything about our relationship. I just think it's weird that a guy will have sex with you, but won't spend the night.
RunawayTrain Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Well, let me clarify a little: he is definitely ready for sex. He hasn't pressured me one bit, but I know he won't turn it down either. I'm not thinking so much about "long-term" potential. I've never dated a guy who had issues sleeping over -- it wasn't a big deal. It didn't indicate anything about our relationship. I just think it's weird that a guy will have sex with you, but won't spend the night. Some people have issues sleeping in a different strange environment. I don't equate sex with sleeping over, but thats just me.
Jilly Bean Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 PG - to answer your other question... I too, equater sex with spending the night. When a guy gets up to leave, I take that as a slap. Like he isn't thinking relationship. Which is odd, because I am a crappy sleeper, and when sleeping with someone new, I have a HORRIBLE night's sleep. My last two short-term BF's both snored horribly, and I was relegated to sleeping in another room in the middle of the night. How's that for romantic? I would just clarify with him what association he makes between the relationship and spending the night together.
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Well, let me clarify a little: he is definitely ready for sex. He hasn't pressured me one bit, but I know he won't turn it down either. I'm not thinking so much about "long-term" potential. I've never dated a guy who had issues sleeping over -- it wasn't a big deal. It didn't indicate anything about our relationship. I just think it's weird that a guy will have sex with you, but won't spend the night. Well give it some time, or talk to him about it. You never know what's going on in a guy's head sometimes. PG - to answer your other question... I too, equater sex with spending the night. When a guy gets up to leave, I take that as a slap. Like he isn't thinking relationship. Which is odd, because I am a crappy sleeper, and when sleeping with someone new, I have a HORRIBLE night's sleep. My last two short-term BF's both snored horribly, and I was relegated to sleeping in another room in the middle of the night. How's that for romantic? I would just clarify with him what association he makes between the relationship and spending the night together. Ahhh I'm the same way. I can't sleep with someone snoring. Not even in the same room, clear across the other side. Not even with a pillow over my head.
RunawayTrain Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 When I was engaged back in 2002 my ex fiancee and I had a puppy and 3 cats. My ex was the kind of sleeper that would not intentionally make furtive movements while she slept. Id wake up to a knee to the ribs, her foot kicking me etc. Add a puppy who refused to sleep in his crate/bed and three cats who would nestle themselves on and around us and it was like a three ring circus.
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 When I was engaged back in 2002 my ex fiancee and I had a puppy and 3 cats. My ex was the kind of sleeper that would not intentionally make furtive movements while she slept. Id wake up to a knee to the ribs, her foot kicking me etc. Add a puppy who refused to sleep in his crate/bed and three cats who would nestle themselves on and around us and it was like a three ring circus. :lmao::lmao: WHen I sleep next to someone, I constantly push myself towards the person, in my sleep. I have to at least be in the middle. I also manage to steal ALL the covers. One of my exes... he'd constantly wake up shivering on the edge of the bed. Once even with his foot on the floor keeping himself on the bed. :lmao::lmao:
RunawayTrain Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 :lmao::lmao: WHen I sleep next to someone, I constantly push myself towards the person, in my sleep. I have to at least be in the middle. I also manage to steal ALL the covers. One of my exes... he'd constantly wake up shivering on the edge of the bed. Once even with his foot on the floor keeping himself on the bed. :lmao::lmao: LMAO i used to do that too. Wake up freezing. The subconscious fight for the covers ! When I finally did fall asleep I would wake up with a cat on my chest, a puppy on my head with his tongue in my eye snoring and no blanket, id go to work the next day sleep deprived and cranky
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 LMAO i used to do that too. Wake up freezing. The subconscious fight for the covers ! When I finally did fall asleep I would wake up with a cat on my chest, a puppy on my head with his tongue in my eye snoring and no blanket, id go to work the next day sleep deprived and cranky My ex fiance and I had a puppy and two cats. One of the cats thought it was people, and would lay on it's back, under the covers right between us, with it's lil paws over the blanket. The other cat, when he was a kitten, would nibble on my ex fiance's nipples LMAO. The dog just licked us a lot, and took up most of the bed.
Author pandagirl Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 PG - to answer your other question... I too, equater sex with spending the night. When a guy gets up to leave, I take that as a slap. Like he isn't thinking relationship. Which is odd, because I am a crappy sleeper, and when sleeping with someone new, I have a HORRIBLE night's sleep. My last two short-term BF's both snored horribly, and I was relegated to sleeping in another room in the middle of the night. How's that for romantic? I would just clarify with him what association he makes between the relationship and spending the night together. I sleep horribly with someone new in my bed, too! But yeah, like you, I take it as a slap, like he isn't thinking relationship. He did mention once that if it was a weekend, he would be more inclined to stay the night, but since we've started dating, at least one of us has been away every weekend. Today my friend told me this guy and her finally made out this weekend on their third date. Didn't have sex, but he stayed the night. I guess different people just have different views of what sleeping over means. I'll probably bring it up with him soon. Also, we both work from home, so commuting to work isn't an issue in the morning. And he lives 5 blocks away from me!
RunawayTrain Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 My ex fiance and I had a puppy and two cats. One of the cats thought it was people, and would lay on it's back, under the covers right between us, with it's lil paws over the blanket. The other cat, when he was a kitten, would nibble on my ex fiance's nipples LMAO. The dog just licked us a lot, and took up most of the bed. Wow that is so funny you say that. My exes one female cat was not declawed and was like a schizo cat, one minute she liked me the next minute she would claw and hiss at me. One night during the summer I went to sleep without my shirt on and woke up in the middle of the night with the cat on my chest with her paw on my nipple. She was kneeding it. I thought i was going to lose my nipple for sure. It was very traumatic.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Disclaimer: I casually study mating behavior and evolution for fun. I'm no expert. But I do have my opinions. In terms of evolutionary stable strategy, there is a reason it feels so reassuring and wonderful to a woman when a man doesn't... um... blow and go, as it were. If the body is successful in its mission (it isn't, because you were using contraception), he just impregnated you. A male mate truly invested in you and his offspring would stay by your side all night long, to protect you and the offspring in your uterus from lions and stuff. His presence and protectiveness signal investment and commitment. The reason men get sleepy after they orgasm is that sleep hormones are doing their part to keep the male close by the female in case a predator should threaten that brewing offspring. A guy having an orgasm with you then leaving, in my humble opinion, is waving a giant checkered flag that says, "I'm not that into you, and I only want you for sex." Just my two cents.
Bayern Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 PG,have some afternoon fun between the sheets I don't get the between the sheets bit. I get sweaty as hell. To pandagirl: If he's been open with you already then just ask when is "late enough in the relationship". If you know him to be telling the truth than give it some time.
mortensorchid Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I wonder who it was that came up with the thing that couples have to sleep in the same bed together. I've had my fair share of bfs over the years whose beds I have slept in and them in mine, and neither party has had a decent night's sleep. I find that there are several perks to sleeping alone, but there are just as many to being with that certain someone.
Author pandagirl Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 A guy having an orgasm with you then leaving, in my humble opinion, is waving a giant checkered flag that says, "I'm not that into you, and I only want you for sex." Just my two cents. Ack. I'm screwed.
RunawayTrain Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 What about spontaneous sex in a relationship? Public sex ? That is not sleeping over. What if two partners are on a lunch break from work and happen to you know do the deed ? No sleeping over involved.
Jilly Bean Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Ack. I'm screwed. Or, maybe he just knows there's no immediate threat of lions pouncing.
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