Els Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I've just had a few of the most wonderful weeks of my life -- long story short, my guy came to visit, and he left yesterday. I know I'm an incredibly lucky girl. I have someone who accepts all of me, whom I connect with amazingly and love dearly, who also loves me back, who spent a lot of money (he is usually very frugal with his personal spending) to fly back to see me. Even the opportunity to have those few but completely amazing weeks with him, should be enough to show me how lucky I am. But I can't help but feel sorry for myself now. I can't help but feel that I'm unfortunate for being the kind of person that forms such intense and close bonds with very few select people... and no bonds at all with most others. Rather, I prefer no bonds to loose acquaintance bonds. When I click with someone, it truly is extremely deep and meaningful -- which I believe has contributed positively to me having very close and good relationships, both romantic and platonic. But those relationships are so FEW. My last close friend died in a car accident. The one before that went separate ways with me after pre-university and changed so much that now, we only speak once in a blue moon. This leads to me having only one close friend now, who is also my bf, and our relationship is going great, but he's not HERE because he can't be. And I feel so horribly lonely. I had a group of game-buddies before whom I could go to lancafes with and play games late into the night -- not close friends, but at least they shared my passion and we had fun together. But now they've all left for other countries as well. To assuage the loneliness I just tried hanging out a bit with a few other non-close friends who DIDN'T share my passion with me, doing typical stuff like having lunch together and chatting about menial stuff. It did not help AT ALL -- and sadly I realize it never did. Human interaction devoid of that closeness and complete acceptance really doesn't do anything for me. Now I'm wallowing in self-pity. That's not good, but I can't seem to help it. Sigh.
hoping2heal Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 You may recognize with your mind that you're lucky. But your deep down heart of hearts has yet to recognize the feelings. Which yes, you ARE very lucky. Most people will never even know of the kind of love some of us have been fortunate enough to find. That may sound cliche, but it's also very true. If you make it out of this life with even one trully deep and meaningful bond; you are a blessed person. You got to taste the very best in life during the course of your life. I know everyone uses references to IG, but that's because she's the best damn example of Love I've seen to date; let alone the fact it's long distance. She has not seen her husband in 3 years. THREE YEARS. That said, none of us should ever feel sorry for ourselves for our circumstances. They may not be ideal, but nothing in life ever is. A few challenges and obstacles just gives us the opportunity to grow in life, to gain charachter. If they were close proximity as oppose to LDR, I guarantee there would be a new set of challenges needed to work through to keep things on the right track, those of us who put in hard work and are lucky enough to have partners that we have deep intimacy with love and enjoyment; don't ever be ungreatful and feel sorry for yourself about that. There are so many heartbroken men and women out there looking for that. You HAVE that, you don't have to look for it. It's there.
Author Els Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Thank you, hoping2heal. Yes, I agree with you that I am so very, very fortunate and blessed. But it's hard to believe firmly in that fact when the pangs of missing him come -- I just burst into tears whenever anything happens to remind me of the times we had here together. When that happens, I can't help but wish I was the kind of person who could find fulfilment from partying with 382947293874 other people whom I don't really need to form close bonds with, or from just dating casually and sleeping with any guy who happens to strike my fancy. There will always be such people to do such things with -- but not so for me.
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