duke1974 Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Hello everyone, I'm a longtime lurker and first time poster and find some peace by visiting these forums, I thank all for that. I've been dating a woman for about 2 1/2 years on and off. I say on and off as she broke up with me too many times than I like to admit too. Always the same story, she can't do this and I'm too controlling(I asked her repeatedly to cut down on her drinking and the pot, she smokes daily). She would disappear for days then come back crying to me saying how much she needs me and loves me. Every time I fall for it. She came to my mother and asked for my hand in marriage and promised she was ready to change. She proposed too me a week after the talk with my mother. We had a long talk about what needed to be done in order for us to actually make this work, we seemed to have agreed on what we needed to do. She had been diagnosed bipolar and has been on meds for a couple months at this point. I told her I wouldn't give up on her because of her diagnosis. Offered to go to counseling with her if she wanted me too. I read book after book trying to understand this disorder and how to cope. Trouble is the drinking didn't go away. Her 2 best friends, her mother and sister are also both drinkers. Any activity, family birthdays, parties, you name it they drink. The 3 of them went on vacation to Florida Valentines day weekend and did something I disagree with. Her sister met a man there, he scored them some pot. So they partied all night and let him sleep in their hotel. A total stranger, who knows how that could have turned out. I just don't agree with the thought that thats ok for a married woman with her 2 daughters should be letting some man sleep in their room. I was not ok after that. We finally worked up the courage to say this relationship is no good for either of us, too volatile, it was over, she agreed. I tried not too call her or see her but, that was terribly hard for me. She would call me 20 -30 times in a row crying and telling me how i ruined her life, that I promised to love her no matter what. It made me so guilty that I went back, we ended up sleeping together. Two days later she calls saying she can't do it anymore too much anxiety. Turns out she had slept with someone else the week before(someone I know to make matters worse). I lost my mind. She looked me in the eyes and said there was no one else since we were apart, I actually believed her. I feel demoralized and scared for my health. I understand we were technically apart but she had unprotected sex with me without telling me there was some drunken one night stand with someone else. My own fault for being so naive. I'm having a hard time finding that there was love here. I thought/ think I was in love. Am I a controlling person? Is this the way love is supposed to be? Maybe I was addicted to her and the drama. Or am I just a lonely lost individual? I needed to vent so I wrote this here. I'm loosing my mind because I think about her all the time.
Beeotch Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 You said she is bipolar but the rest of your post doesn't seem to factor that in....if she is bipolar then it explains her erratic behavior. Bipolar Disorder doesnt go away....so it is up to you to decide if you want to be with this person who has this lifelong problem. She needs help...reading books is great to help YOU get a grasp but no amount of books is going to help HER. She needs PROFESSIONAL help and sadly, if she doesn't get it she will continue this destructive cycle and you will be tagging along for it. Not to say that she has no responsibility because of her disorder, but her behavior is abnormal and due to it. This woman has bigger issues than a relationship with you. She needs help for herself BEFORE she can even consider a relationship. If you love this woman that should be your focus...on getting her help and getting her family aware to help her because it is useless trying to get her to consider your feelings and react normally if she has a mental illness.
Exit Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I would run from that situation. Just look at her entire family. A mother letting a drug dealer stay with her and her 2 daughters? Come on. I disagree with Beeotch, I do not think "bipolar" is an excuse for all of her behavior. Being bipolar doesn't make you lie about sleeping with someone else. Being bipolar doesn't mean you have an excuse to continue drinking and smoking. She brought up the idea of marriage and you discussed what needed to be done before that could ever happen, and she did not follow through. She needs to realize there are consequences to her behavior and that you will not always be willing to take her back. Also, the fact that you wonder if you're just addicted to her or to the drama, shows that you aren't 100% sure where your feelings are at either. I'm the same way, trying to get back with an ex who deep down I know isn't good for me. None of this means it will be easy to walk away from her, you still care about her. But you need to think about what's best for you. She lied to you about sleeping with someone else and didn't care enough about your health to tell you. Who knows what else she has lied about. If you want to make one last effort, you sit her down and tell her again, she needs to stop the drinking, she needs to be getting professional help, that you are willing to support her with her issues but not if she's going to treat you like garbage. But she's the one who ended it last according to your post. Maybe just leave it alone.
asuman Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I have a drop-dead gorgeous female friend who is bipolar. Having been in a relationship with a girl who had psych issues before, there's no way I'd date this one. But I'm still crazy about her (in a friendly way) and we're always hanging out together. The point of my telling you that is that I happen to know that she has cheated on every single relationship she's ever had, seemingly in her life. I'm not saying bipolar people always cheat. But responding to Exit's suggestion that she is responsible for her actions (fine, she is, I agree), I have to say that with her being bipolar it doesn't surprise me in the least that her relationships are all trainwrecks waiting to happen. My ex with psych issues had borderline personality disorder. I will never, ever, ever go near anyone with such problems again. It was hell on earth.
boogieboy Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Of course you alrady know to leave her since you cant deal with her bipolar disorder. But you were being controlling and you shouldnt have. You cant tell people what to do especially when they dont want to do it. You dont own anyone, and its not all about you. If you cant accept their behavior as it is, that you have to leave them alone. Telling people to stop what they are doing just builds up resentment in both of you. If you suggest it, and they dont want to do it, then you cant hound them.
Thomas X Forever Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Gonna agree with boogie. And as for the rest of these people, quoting Bipolar disorder... keep in mind there are 3 forms of bipolar. 1, 2, and 3. If someoen is bipolar 3, then you would NEVER know they were bipolar unless you had EXTENSIVE experience and knowledge in psychology AND studied them very in depth. Anywhoo, you had a psycho. Be glad you're free. And stop being controlling now.
asuman Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 To be clear, I don't think "knowledge" and "extensive experience" are enough to figure out that someone is bipolar. What is required is a PhD or an MD, and a formal diagnosis. The friend I referred to told me she's actually been diagnosed as bipolar, and takes meds for it.
Beeotch Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I would run from that situation. Just look at her entire family. A mother letting a drug dealer stay with her and her 2 daughters? Come on. I disagree with Beeotch, I do not think "bipolar" is an excuse for all of her behavior. Being bipolar doesn't make you lie about sleeping with someone else. Being bipolar doesn't mean you have an excuse to continue drinking and smoking. She brought up the idea of marriage and you discussed what needed to be done before that could ever happen, and she did not follow through. She needs to realize there are consequences to her behavior and that you will not always be willing to take her back. Also, the fact that you wonder if you're just addicted to her or to the drama, shows that you aren't 100% sure where your feelings are at either. I'm the same way, trying to get back with an ex who deep down I know isn't good for me. None of this means it will be easy to walk away from her, you still care about her. But you need to think about what's best for you. She lied to you about sleeping with someone else and didn't care enough about your health to tell you. Who knows what else she has lied about. If you want to make one last effort, you sit her down and tell her again, she needs to stop the drinking, she needs to be getting professional help, that you are willing to support her with her issues but not if she's going to treat you like garbage. But she's the one who ended it last according to your post. Maybe just leave it alone. I actually said that it does NOT mean that she has no responsibility...
Island Girl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 She had been diagnosed bipolar and has been on meds for a couple months at this point. And as for the rest of these people, quoting Bipolar disorder... keep in mind there are 3 forms of bipolar. 1, 2, and 3. If someoen is bipolar 3, then you would NEVER know they were bipolar unless you had EXTENSIVE experience and knowledge in psychology AND studied them very in depth. A person may not know they were involved with someone bipolar but they would know they are dating someone who has mood swings and extreme reactions and would be alerted to there being some kind of an issue. And if the girlfriend/boyfriend disclosed (as the OP states) they have been diagnosed as such they would know for a fact.
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