dreamergrl Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I've noticed with several of the guys I've recently dated, some guys I know, or guys that my friends are into.... There's a good chunk of them that still have one or more of their exes in their lives still. I can see maybe being friends if enough time has past, and old feelings are put to rest... but this one that my friend is into.... well it's got drama written all over it... She likes this guy, who seems to like her back. There is some distance between them, however, they had plans to meet up again in the near future. They talk on the phone, they email, IM... facebook, myspace... you get the picture. Then low and behold... one day she's going to write on his wall on facebook, to say hey... and there's a message from his ex.... "Thanks so much for yesterday... I really appreciate it. I love you!". Along with another thing saying "I love this picture, I'm posting it with all mine!" She was just devastated. She couldn't understand for the life of her, why there was still this type of contact. I feel bad for her, because she's had some crappy luck with guys the last few years, and was getting kind of excited. She mentioned that he had pictures all over his social networking pages with exes and stuff. My friend said that this wasn't a break up that was extremely old either, but he seemed to be over it. It takes me a lot longer then most, I think, to get past the old feelings. How much time would you guys need to get over an ex enough to be 'friends'? Would you be comfortable with them proclaiming their love for you still?
tkgirl Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I've noticed with several of the guys I've recently dated, some guys I know, or guys that my friends are into.... There's a good chunk of them that still have one or more of their exes in their lives still. I can see maybe being friends if enough time has past, and old feelings are put to rest... but this one that my friend is into.... well it's got drama written all over it... She likes this guy, who seems to like her back. There is some distance between them, however, they had plans to meet up again in the near future. They talk on the phone, they email, IM... facebook, myspace... you get the picture. Then low and behold... one day she's going to write on his wall on facebook, to say hey... and there's a message from his ex.... "Thanks so much for yesterday... I really appreciate it. I love you!". Along with another thing saying "I love this picture, I'm posting it with all mine!" She was just devastated. She couldn't understand for the life of her, why there was still this type of contact. I feel bad for her, because she's had some crappy luck with guys the last few years, and was getting kind of excited. She mentioned that he had pictures all over his social networking pages with exes and stuff. My friend said that this wasn't a break up that was extremely old either, but he seemed to be over it. It takes me a lot longer then most, I think, to get past the old feelings. How much time would you guys need to get over an ex enough to be 'friends'? Would you be comfortable with them proclaiming their love for you still? yes, I would like an answer to this one myself! I guess we all have our stories where "exes" are concerned. I think a lot of it comes down to really letting go once and for all... just finally knowing when it's time to move on and finding something that does work... it just takes some people longer than others.
IcemanJB Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 It depends on the ex and how close we were. One of them I'm perfectly fine with being friends with; one I don't think I can ever be friends with. It all depends.
Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 dreamergrl, in the story you posted, I smell a big bag of meow mix!! The ex did that on purpose. Exes make good friends when romantic emotions are gone. I'm currently in contact with 4 of them, although we don't hang around together with just the two of us. S. and I have been to dinner on separate occasions, with two of them and their love interests, so it's all above board. I see some of them at parties and we chat, or we chat via cyberspace or phone. As for the "love" portion, a couple have used it as a joke, but I peel them back right away. None of that stuff...
Author dreamergrl Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 dreamergrl, in the story you posted, I smell a big bag of meow mix!! The ex did that on purpose. So you think the ex got wind of the guy moving on, and decided to play the card? Exes make good friends when romantic emotions are gone. I'm currently in contact with 4 of them, although we don't hang around together with just the two of us. S. and I have been to dinner on separate occasions, with two of them and their love interests, so it's all above board. I see some of them at parties and we chat, or we chat via cyberspace or phone. Yeah, there are a few exes I could see myself being friends with. Then there are some that I'd still feel physically attracted to. Then there are some I just never want to lay eyes on again :lmao: As for the "love" portion, a couple have used it as a joke, but I peel them back right away. None of that stuff... Yeah, that love word is tricky!
loveslife Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 One of my best friends is an ex. It took a long time for us to become good friends. For a long time it was a situation of one or the other of us not being able to let go. We tried being out of each other's lives but that didn't work either. It was a very volatile, emotional relationship for a long time. But one thing I never doubted was his love for me. We just didn't work right romantically. Hard to explain. A complicated relationship but now very peaceful and a source of much comfort and love. It's all above-board. His wife knows about me. I call his house. He's like family to me now. I will never give him up. We are open about our love for one another but it's not at all romantic or sexual.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 One of my best friends is an ex. It took a long time for us to become good friends. For a long time it was a situation of one or the other of us not being able to let go. We tried being out of each other's lives but that didn't work either. It was a very volatile, emotional relationship for a long time. But one thing I never doubted was his love for me. We just didn't work right romantically. Hard to explain. A complicated relationship but now very peaceful and a source of much comfort and love. It's all above-board. His wife knows about me. I call his house. He's like family to me now. I will never give him up. We are open about our love for one another but it's not at all romantic or sexual. I do see what you're saying. I think it's great that you are able to turn it into a great friendship. I also think it's important that when turning an ex into a friend, that the new woman/man in their life gets to know you as well.
Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Who knows what happened "yesterday". Maybe he listened to her tale of woes or something equally insignificant. If you consider the public nature of facebook, the ex is either staking her claim or jacking around, with that dog in the manger attitude. If I were your friend, I'd ask him about it. If he can't put her mind at ease with a simple explanation, it's time to move on regardless since it either spells b/s on his part or an inability to communicate effectively.
loveslife Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I do see what you're saying. I think it's great that you are able to turn it into a great friendship. I also think it's important that when turning an ex into a friend, that the new woman/man in their life gets to know you as well. If you had told me during all the angst that him and I would be great friends I wouldn't have believed you. But eventually it all just clicked right. I think a friendship with an ex must be totally above-board and in full light of a new woman/man or something fishy is going on. Just my opinion.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Who knows what happened "yesterday". Maybe he listened to her tale of woes or something equally insignificant. If you consider the public nature of facebook, the ex is either staking her claim or jacking around, with that dog in the manger attitude. If I were your friend, I'd ask him about it. If he can't put her mind at ease with a simple explanation, it's time to move on regardless since it either spells b/s on his part or an inability to communicate effectively. You're so darn wise TB. I'm always at lost what to say to my friends, and to myself when it comes to dating advise. I felt so bad for her because I just went through similar crap ya know? I kind of think he's juggling. Can't let go of either. Drama drama drama. Being single is seeming better all the time. Except the lack of sex dammit :lmao:
Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 You're so darn wise TB. I'm always at lost what to say to my friends, and to myself when it comes to dating advise. I felt so bad for her because I just went through similar crap ya know? I kind of think he's juggling. Can't let go of either. Drama drama drama. Being single is seeming better all the time. Except the lack of sex dammit :lmao: Thanks but I'm not wise. It's easy to give advice when you're at a distance to the situation, especially when it's happened to you in the past. When your own emotions are involved, not so easy and damn near impossible to be pragmatic! The silly things I've done in the past...ha...no comment! The good part, is that it doesn't need to escalate to drama. Just walk on by, if he's not all in. Yes, that was my problem with being single! Beyond that, it was fun being single and dating people casually, but doing whatever, whenever and however you wanted to.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Thanks but I'm not wise. It's easy to give advice when you're at a distance to the situation, especially when it's happened to you in the past. When your own emotions are involved, not so easy and damn near impossible to be pragmatic! The silly things I've done in the past...ha...no comment! The good part, is that it doesn't need to escalate to drama. Just walk on by, if he's not all in. Yes, that was my problem with being single! Beyond that, it was fun being single and dating people casually, but doing whatever, whenever and however you wanted to. The hard part (well for me, I can't speak for my friend) is not always knowing if one is all in. Or sometimes they appear to be all in, but then something happens later on and you realize that they are not all in. So many people want you to only see what they show you. My friend and I both thought though, how strange to accept a friend request, and be able to show all your the stuff you are 'hiding' (I say that loosely). It's like, really, if you're going to juggle a few girls, play a few games, why do you just let it air out? Yeah, the no sex thing is the hardest part about my single campaign. If I had a dollar for every guy I've drooled over lately....
The Blue Pill Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 How much time would you guys need to get over an ex enough to be 'friends'? Would you be comfortable with them proclaiming their love for you still? I dated a girl for 3 years, and that was 3 years ago. About 6 months ago I was comfortable enough to become friends with her after 2.5 years of almost no contact. So, I say no less than 2 years, for me. However; she was in town this weekend and wanted to see me, but I wanted nothing to do with that. I'd love to see her alone, but she brought her current boyfriend with her. So, apparently 3 years isn't long enough to be comfortable hanging out with her AND her new BF. If she told me she still loved me and wanted me back (highly unlikely), I would literally melt inside. But, I would have to decline, and it would be the hardest thing to do.
You'reasian Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I've noticed with several of the guys I've recently dated, some guys I know, or guys that my friends are into.... There's a good chunk of them that still have one or more of their exes in their lives still. I can see maybe being friends if enough time has past, and old feelings are put to rest... but this one that my friend is into.... well it's got drama written all over it... She likes this guy, who seems to like her back. There is some distance between them, however, they had plans to meet up again in the near future. They talk on the phone, they email, IM... facebook, myspace... you get the picture. Then low and behold... one day she's going to write on his wall on facebook, to say hey... and there's a message from his ex.... "Thanks so much for yesterday... I really appreciate it. I love you!". Along with another thing saying "I love this picture, I'm posting it with all mine!" She was just devastated. She couldn't understand for the life of her, why there was still this type of contact. I feel bad for her, because she's had some crappy luck with guys the last few years, and was getting kind of excited. She mentioned that he had pictures all over his social networking pages with exes and stuff. My friend said that this wasn't a break up that was extremely old either, but he seemed to be over it. It takes me a lot longer then most, I think, to get past the old feelings. How much time would you guys need to get over an ex enough to be 'friends'? Would you be comfortable with them proclaiming their love for you still? Ok, so they text - so both have mobile phones. They both IM - so they both have active IM accounts. They both myspace - so both must have myspace accounts. They both facebook - etc. etc. Why aren't they spending time together face to face?
Author dreamergrl Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Ok, so they text - so both have mobile phones. They both IM - so they both have active IM accounts. They both myspace - so both must have myspace accounts. They both facebook - etc. etc. Why aren't they spending time together face to face? I guess distance is a bit of an issue for them right now. And now, I don't think she wants to see him at all. I don't really blame her. I wish I could hang out with her, but there's distance between her and I too. The friends I'd most love to have in my life are so far away.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 I dated a girl for 3 years, and that was 3 years ago. About 6 months ago I was comfortable enough to become friends with her after 2.5 years of almost no contact. So, I say no less than 2 years, for me. However; she was in town this weekend and wanted to see me, but I wanted nothing to do with that. I'd love to see her alone, but she brought her current boyfriend with her. So, apparently 3 years isn't long enough to be comfortable hanging out with her AND her new BF. If she told me she still loved me and wanted me back (highly unlikely), I would literally melt inside. But, I would have to decline, and it would be the hardest thing to do. I can talk to my ex fiance, but I'd have a hard time seeing him face to face, and meet his new wife. And it's been like three years. He was the hardest one to say good bye too.
The Blue Pill Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Well, I have yet to see her face to face, it's only been texting or IM online (rarely). No voice conversations or face to face as of yet. Part of me deep inside was hoping she'd be home this weekend (she was, but I didn't know it until I had other plans). But then I found out she brought her boyfriend and then I had no desire to meet up. Not the kind of reunion I envisioned so...
hoping2heal Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Hmm. Everyone I've ever needed to "move on" from all took a different amount of time. So there is no measure to it, I guess as soon as I realised there was no hope; I'd say within a few weeks I'd move on. The only thing that would keep me hanging on is the hope, and my most recent ex, I have to say is a jerk in the sense of how he kept that hope hanging on. I.E posting pics of me on his social networking sites AFTER we broke up. Posting our old love song..again AFTER we broke up. Writng to tell me he wasn't seeing any other women, and how depressed he was when we broke up. Attemping contact etc. Yeah, I have to say..it was pretty jerky of him to do all that if he didn't want to get back together with me, BUT there came a day several months ago when I put the old site I knew him from on block. and soon after that I moved on. Quit looking at his myspace etc. The last I'd heard..he was telling people I tried to interrupt him during a date with another woman, to beg for him back . By this time I'd moved on and just found that plain funny. I wouldn't be comfortable with any ex proclaiming their love for me no, I don't think it's very respectful to my new prospects to have an old one acting sentimental towards me. That said, they could be genuinely JUST friends. If you notice friends say "hey i had a great time, i love you!" quite often on facebook. So, who knows?
butcher's hook Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 You're so darn wise TB. I'm always at lost what to say to my friends, and to myself when it comes to dating advise. I felt so bad for her because I just went through similar crap ya know? I kind of think he's juggling. Can't let go of either. Drama drama drama. That's not true, I've seen you give some great advice around here so I can only assume you are the same with friends. Don't underestimate yourself you are way smart! I think only two kinds of people keep ex's around: 1. ones who are not over them 2. ones who need an ego stroke I don't believe in friendship after relationships, no break up is ever 50/50 there is always someone who pines over the other more so why subject future relationships to that? (please read 1 and 2 for the answer )
Author dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 That's not true, I've seen you give some great advice around here so I can only assume you are the same with friends. Don't underestimate yourself you are way smart! I think only two kinds of people keep ex's around: 1. ones who are not over them 2. ones who need an ego stroke I don't believe in friendship after relationships, no break up is ever 50/50 there is always someone who pines over the other more so why subject future relationships to that? (please read 1 and 2 for the answer ) If I had to choose, I think he's #1... but that's just a guess. I only know so much about this guy. My friend told me that his ex was trying to change him into something he's not (so he says). I told her that there could be a chance they made up and got back together. To be prepared for that. If that's not the case, I'm doubting he's ready for anyone new.
Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 The hard part (well for me, I can't speak for my friend) is not always knowing if one is all in. Or sometimes they appear to be all in, but then something happens later on and you realize that they are not all in. So many people want you to only see what they show you.The good part is that no one can sustain a facade for an extended length of time. Sooner or later, it will come through. So, believe in yourself and know, as you always have, you'll survive AND thrive. My friend and I both thought though, how strange to accept a friend request, and be able to show all your the stuff you are 'hiding' (I say that loosely). It's like, really, if you're going to juggle a few girls, play a few games, why do you just let it air out? That's why I think the ex is gaming. If this guy wasn't for real, would he show all this stuff to your friend? I think not. It's too easy to have two fb accounts.
Author dreamergrl Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 The good part is that no one can sustain a facade for an extended length of time. Sooner or later, it will come through. So, believe in yourself and know, as you always have, you'll survive AND thrive. That's why I think the ex is gaming. If this guy wasn't for real, would he show all this stuff to your friend? I think not. It's too easy to have two fb accounts. Then the question is though, why, if they are broken up, does he allow her to continue to pine over him?
tigressA Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 1. ones who are not over them 2. ones who need an ego stroke I know a guy who definitely fits #2 and possibly #1 as well. I dated him casually for awhile; we were more like FWB than anything. Even after we stopped officially seeing each other we hooked up a few times, intermittently. He recently reconnected (literally) with an ex of his from 5 years ago less than a month after breaking up with a different girl, and he had this convoluted relationship with a former fiancee up until a year ago. As far as I know he's stayed friends with all the girls he's dated/hooked up with; he just recycles girls so that he won't have to work too hard finding a new one. It's sad.
Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Then the question is though, why, if they are broken up, does he allow her to continue to pine over him? I see that as jumping to conclusions, in that dog in a manger, has nothing to do with caring and everything to do with pride/ego, tied into self-esteem. Straight up, even if someone's pining for me and I haven't given them any encouragement, it's not my responsibility to worry about what they're feeling. I'm responsible for my actions of not leading them on. If I lead them on, that's another thing, where I'm responsible for being a shyte.
tigressA Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Then the question is though, why, if they are broken up, does he allow her to continue to pine over him? If she isn't doing anything that warrants a call to the police (and it doesn't sound like she is) she's free and clear; she's allowed to pine over him if she wants. It's what HE does about her pining that counts.
Recommended Posts