Can anyone make sense of my situation

[whichwayisup]

No, you can't be 'just' friends with this guy. What you have with him is a selfish friendship and because of the feelings, there's no way it would work.

 

I will respect the NC and move on with my "quite happily married" life with a view to making it a" perfectly happy one". It is all about priorities.

 

Yes it is. But, if there IS something that you're not happy with in your marriage, now is the time to fix it and reconnect with your husband. Once you do afew weeks of NC with the MM, your focus will be on your H. Keep busy and don't try to contact the MM.

[Athena]

You may want to go back to being friends with him, because it felt so good... but part of why it felt so good was because of your growing attraction to him.

 

Love doesn't just happen... you have to nurture it and spend a lot of time and thoughts on the person... and you did just that for more than a year... think of it... you didn't love this man from day one, did you? You grew more and more attracted to him each time you had a personal conversation with him, found out more and more about him as a person, enjoyed your laughs together etc etc... you were going along with it for a long, long time... now... well, now you have to give him up. You've told him how you feel "the whole kitten and caboodle" I believe you said?! You can't unring a bell now.

[fooled once]

I think you were way more invested than he was. He could see from your body language that you were more involved than he was, emotionally. He has had at least 1 affair before, he knows how to play the game.

 

I think you built it up more in your mind than it really was.

 

That isn't to say that you didn't care for him, but you can't go back to being "just friends". Honestly, that is all you two were anyway, except you began to develop more feelings than he did.

 

You need to realize that he isn't going to continue with the friendship. And another poster was right, him saying he wanted to be "friends" was code word for "goodbye".

 

Stop emailing him, stop "SMS" ing him (whatever that is); stop trying to talk to him about this.

 

Maybe it is time for you to go to counseling and find out what made you decide to emotionally stray from your marriage.

 

I am an Exec. Admin and have worked for male bosses my entire career (over 20 years). At no time did I ever develop feelings for them (emotional or physical). There is a line that you just don't cross. ESPECIALLY if you are married.

 

Maye counseling will help you figure out what is "missing" from either you or your marriage that made you vulnerable to having feelings for him.

 

Maybe it is also time for you to find a new job.

[Lucky_One]

You work together, and you eat lunch together most days, which implies that you are on the same schedule.

 

He apparently has not been at work for a week. It's summertime.

 

I would guess that he is on vacation with his wife for a week, and he has not checked his email, and his wife can't figure out why in the heck you keep texting her husband.

[her_halo_slipped]

Did you spell out your deep attraction and connection to him? Did you have any hope in your heart of drawing him back closer to you, or was your intent in writing this to bring closure, understanding, and an End to the possibility of an affair?

Athena...firstly thank you for such a respectful and well thought out response. You are evidently thinking clearly where I am not. I agree with what you have said and it does make perfect sense. Thank you for your perspective.

My intent in writing was to bring closure through understanding, to end the EA and to let him know that realistically a PA was not an option. It was also an attempt to salvage something (maybe the possibility of remaining friends via work etc too). Nothing more. It was not an attempt to sabotage his decision as some might think. Honestly..it was just for me to gain closure.

 

 

He may well be as tempted as you are to contact you and continue to a full realization of where this EA is headed... to electrifying sex -- but because of his past experience, may be forcing himself to do nothing for a bit, to try get ahold of himself... a pause, before doing something he knows to be foolish, foolhardy, damaging, and eventually painful. I admire him for this part at least.... HOWEVER... he has NOT been such an innocent party up to now (neither have you, but because he's already been down this path before, he knew clearly where it was headed)... it just seems toooooo much of a convenient 'coincidence' that each time his wifey was supposed to be there, she wasn't -- and you got to step in for her in her role by his side, in a social capacity. I find it strange that he had a BBQ at his house when his wife was working?!

And -- coincidently YOUR husband was also not at home when MM came to your house for coffee... well, whatever...

 

Yes I agree and believe it or not I wondered that at the time too but chose to perhaps not pay it too much attention. I guess the alarm bell rang in the back of mind but I saw him anyway because I wanted to know where he wanted to take things. Does that make sense? Remember this all happened during the EA....clear thinking not withstanding. He had made many attempts to be with me but they were always so ambiguous that they might well have been above board and it might have been that I was reading more into the situation that it was. My curiousity got the better of me I must confess.

I don't understand what you are referring to when you say you feel there has been a misunderstanding that can be cleared up? There is just an accident waiting to happen here... a disaster for his family, and yours.

What I meant was...that after thinking about things after the raw emotion of hurt and anger dies down I now see that the all or nothing ultimatum may have been a mistake. What should perhaps have happened was a rational talking through of the situation and how neither of us could go further with the EA let alone even think it could have gone to a PA. I never meant for it to be an all or nothing situation.More a discussion of the situation for what it is and where it can go...i.e to an end or to friendship perhaps in time. (he is still friends with the lady he had his affair with and that seems to be okay). I may have acted in haste re that and regret it. I do believe many things can be bettered with good communication.

 

You may not want to hear this, but I believe the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to tell your husband. Yes -- hear me out... if you tell your husband, it will free you of your secret connection to MM. It will also set you on a path to healing quicker from your sore heart and loss. It will bring you closer to your husband.

You probably guessed I am going to say this....but I am not ready to take this step yet. Perhaps I will never be. Somethings are best left unsaid. As you say...learn a lesson and move on, never to repeat the behaviour. Why hurt him if I can deal with this issue on my own (with the help of everyone else here too)

 

You might want to see about moving to another job where you will not have to see MM. You will always feel a fondness for MM, but you do need to sidestep this disaster in the making.

We no longer work together. I have transferred to another hospital. See I am committed to putting this behind me and moving forward. I only wish there was more room for rational discussion at the end is all. But thank you. Your advice has really resonated with me. I am interested to know your story and how you've come to have this perspective. Is it from experience?

[her_halo_slipped]

You work together, and you eat lunch together most days, which implies that you are on the same schedule.

 

He apparently has not been at work for a week. It's summertime.

I would guess that he is on vacation with his wife for a week, and he has not checked his email, and his wife can't figure out why in the heck you keep texting her husband.

Just to clear things up......

Just so you know, he is at work and it's winter here. We live in Australia.

 

No vacation, no holiday with his W. Don't misunderstand....the total number of texts has been 3. All sent within 3 days of the breakup( 9 days ago now). I am very mindful of bombarding him (or anyone for that matter) with txts. . But had I been in the northern hemisphere your assumptions may have been good. Thanks!

[boldjack]

Betty Boop, I think that you would be well advised to take Athena's advice. An affair, undisclosed, is an affair that is not over. You have said that nothing physical happened, so I think that your H would appreciate your honesty. To continue to hide it, is not showing your husband respect. Saying that the reason that you don't tell him is to avoid hurting him, is only partially true, it also keeps you from having to confront your own feelings and guilt It always follows...... the answers to cheating and lies, are openess and truth.

[Lyssa]

I only wish there was more room for rational discussion at the end is all.

 

Do you mean rational discussion with MM?

[Athena]

Hi HaloSlipped,

 

I am glad I could help in some way, that's what we are all here on these boards for -- to seek/give support, understanding, criticism and guidance.

 

I commend you for taking proactive steps to already changing your job so that you do not see MM! Wow, I am impressed. That certainly will help you heal quicker, from your recent loss of a close bond.

 

In the meantime, regarding your email reply to MM, I do see you were trying to put things right with your friend and yourself, after your perceived and felt rejection of his 'just friends' comment and your hurt/rejection/shock had died down enough to make you realize you would like to go for the friends only option.

I want to warn you though... something about your MM makes me think he is way more experienced than he has led you to believe ... and the way you have been thinking and acting all along in the past year makes me think you (naively) have tended to trust and give MM the benefit of the doubt whenever it was questionable if he were making advances to you ... in particular, you mentioned his ambiguous invitations...

My own H, an experienced charmer and to the best of my knowledge a MM with a total of 14 confirmed affairs to his credit (during two marriages) has gone so far as to sit me down and admit to the 'tactics' he uses on OW, or potential OW, to draw them in... he uses so- called innocent and open/honest dialogue but in reality he is plotting and scheming all the time.

Funnily enough, I was alert to men doing this, and always assumed a man would be moving towards me sexually, so I was always VERY straight with men about NOT being anything more than Just Friends (or not friends at all)... before my marriage, and during my marriage... I knew instinctively where to draw the line.

Men, unlike women, will 'test the waters' just to see IF they could Get Somewhere with an available female. I don't know why. They just do. So here we are, unsuspecting women who assume that a friendly married man is just being, well, "friendly" -- Nope... a friendly man is phishing to see what His Chances Are... even if it's just a mental check & tally, and he has no intentions to act on his chances.

 

From now on, protect yourself. Do what I did -- I made a new male friend half a year ago... when we got on well and started chatting after yoga class, and met for coffee locally, after two or three phonecalls, I made it CLEAR that NOTHING were ever going to happen with him and I and -- he obviously decided to keep me as a friend, and friends we have been since then.

Statistics report that most couples don't have friends of the opposite sex once they get married, until they hit their Fifties... I assume that's in some way to safeguard their marriage, subconsciously, as well as get kids raised in that time...

If you do have a good marriage and you want to keep it, then safeguard yourself against future possible EA's by being wary of doing anything like this again... Did you always tell your H about MM? Did he know about your growing friendship with him, and all the lunch dates, etc?

 

You say you do not want to tell your H about your EA with MM. That's for you to decide. I just want to caution you -- you may think it will have no relevance or bearing on your M in the future, but it will... this 'secret' will cause you to shut down on sharing things with your H, will make you have to be a little bit guarded when it comes to talking openly and honestly with your H. You may think it won't negatively affect the state of your M, but unfortunately it will... you will be trading an open comfortable trusting relationship with your H for the keeping of this secret.

 

BTW, how do you think your H would react if you did tell him everything? What negatives would come of that?

I think it's important to think this through.

[Gamine]

I think he has made it clear that he isn't interested in having an affair with you. Contrary to the opinions of many people, I believe that men and women (married or single) can be friends. I have had many male friends in my lifetime and do not believe that there is anything wrong with that. Furthermore, I do not believe all friendships with the opposite sex give rise to what is being defined as an EA. Honestly, I don't believe that you had an EA at all... as what is usually present in an EA is a mutual exchange of feelings, etc... More than what you have described.

 

My advice? Leave him alone. You both may have wanted something and that something may have constituted wanting the same things for a nanosecond. But that nanosecond has elapsed and he does not want to venture down that path. Perhaps he cannot communicate with you because the temptation you are offering him is something he may find hard to resist.

 

Don't ruin his life and the life of his family. Leave him alone. Return to your own marriage and clean up your act. If you cannot act with dignity with respect to your own marriage then give your spouse the respect he deserves and divorce him before you compromise and humiliate him. You aren't a free agent and you are not entitled to renegotiate your own private affairs as you see fit. Once you are married you are a pair and as such I think he has a right to have something to say about how you spend your time when it concerns your sex life.

 

Clearly this man is interested, but we are sentient beings and can make choices. Leave him alone. By crossing the line you have ruined your friendship and forced him to make a choice.... and a choice he has made. Could you get your way if you pressed? Perhaps. But his hiding from you means you are making his life difficult... Leave him alone.

[her_halo_slipped]

Hi HaloSlipped,

 

 

Men, unlike women, will 'test the waters' just to see IF they could Get Somewhere with an available female. I don't know why. They just do. So here we are, unsuspecting women who assume that a friendly married man is just being, well, "friendly" -- Nope... a friendly man is phishing to see what His Chances Are... even if it's just a mental check & tally, and he has no intentions to act on his chances.

 

From now on, protect yourself. Do what I did -- I made a new male friend half a year ago... when we got on well and started chatting after yoga class, and met for coffee locally, after two or three phonecalls, I made it CLEAR that NOTHING were ever going to happen with him and I and -- he obviously decided to keep me as a friend, and friends we have been since then.

Athena...I hear and respect what you are saying. YOur comments are very valid.Let me play devil's advocate for just a second.How can you be so sure your new friend is not waiting patiently to "test the water" with you so to speak at some point further down the line when you completely trust him? How can you be so sure he is not a charmer with copius amounts of patience? The women who make it so clear up front that nothing will happen are all the better for chasing yes? Are you more switched on to the games men play after what your H confessed? How can you not be suspicious of every married man that talks to you in a friendly way?

 

Just a thought.If you do have a good marriage and you want to keep it, then safeguard yourself against future possible EA's by being wary of doing anything like this again... Did you always tell your H about MM? Did he know about your growing friendship with him, and all the lunch dates, etc?

All except the last three. Two of those were when my best friend came with me, she was here on holidays. We just mentioned we were going to have dinner with a friend. The third time was when he came to my home for coffee (H was working remember). As I said on the surface it really did look ambiguous.

 

You say you do not want to tell your H about your EA with MM. That's for you to decide. I just want to caution you -- you may think it will have no relevance or bearing on your M in the future, but it will... this 'secret' will cause you to shut down on sharing things with your H, will make you have to be a little bit guarded when it comes to talking openly and honestly with your H. You may think it won't negatively affect the state of your M, but unfortunately it will... you will be trading an open comfortable trusting relationship with your H for the keeping of this secret.

Thank you. I will think on this.

 

BTW, how do you think your H would react if you did tell him everything? What negatives would come of that?

I think it's important to think this through.

These are good questions. I think he might be suprised. Hurt too perhaps. Angry.I know it would shatter his trust in me even though the affair was not physical. I think telling him would do more harm than good, especially as I have learnt a lesson from this entire experience. You were right. I was naieve in my ability to not recognise the experience and charms of my MM. Am I deceiving myself to think I can chalk this one up to experience and move on? I don't feel it is a total secret. My feelings are more the secretive part. I don't share every thought and feeling I have with my H anyway. Who does? I do have secrets, I think we all do. Some things we keep from our parents, others from our children, some from our friends. You get the picture. These I can easily live with. This EA will go into one of those baskets.

BTW...I appreciate your advice and have read a little more of your story via your posts. Last one I read was you were thinking about ending your M. I think the affair count was 8. Now it's 14 and you're still married. Did I miss some posts?

[Athena]

BTW...I appreciate your advice and have read a little more of your story via your posts. Last one I read was you were thinking about ending your M. I think the affair count was 8. Now it's 14 and you're still married. Did I miss some posts?

 

No you didn't... H was married and divorced before we met -- and he cheated on his first wife several times in the 6 and 1/2 year marriage to her. In our M, he's had 8 affairs. Affair #7 did it for me -- not only did he fall in love with OW (he doesn't 'love' her now -- they ended it Nov '07, and she's engaged to a buddy of his) but he actually took the gamble of having that affair after I told him clearly that the next affair he had, I would divorce him (I had never said that to him before).

 

I don't feel it is a total secret. My feelings are more the secretive part. I don't share every thought and feeling I have with my H anyway. Who does? I do have secrets, I think we all do. Some things we keep from our parents, others from our children, some from our friends. You get the picture. These I can easily live with. This EA will go into one of those baskets.

Okay, Halo, you've convinced me! I suppose in your case, since you have been telling your H all along about your friendship with MM so he is aware of that friendship, and since your EA has ended you've cut ties with MM to the extent that you moved to another job, I guess you've done enough. It's different to having outright lied and covered up the relationship from your H, and then stayed at the same workplace, thus keeping that door open to a possible future romance.

 

I am curious --how will you explain the sudden absence of your friend to your H? I suppose you could use the fact that you two don't work together?

 

As for your question about my friend... firstly, he was not a married man, he was a single man who had just broken up with a long-term g/f. I got the feeling he might be attracted to me physically (he was complimentary etc) and I made sure I never thought of him in a sexual way, ever, and I NEVER treated him in any kind of flirtatious way... I am not attracted to him in that way. I just like him as a friend. After a few months, he finally sifted through some potential girls and found himself head over heels in love with his current g/f. I am going to meet her soon

 

If I was sexually/physically attracted to a guy I would not let him know. When you do that, it all goes downhill from then. Next, if he went phishing for my view on him in an attraction sense, I would not lead him on. And, to safeguard myself I would not continue if I felt attracted to him... btw with my new friend, he hasn't been to my house. We have always met at yoga class, or for coffee and a chat. Once we went out to dinner with my kids and my son's g/f (all in college). My kids thought he was gay, lol. So I guess there was no vibes being sent out my way or his.

 

As I have told my H last year, I no longer assure him of my fidelity. If I met a really wonderful man, I would not take all my usual precautions of not falling into an inappropriate relationship. But, then, I would also tell my H, and I would divorce him pronto.

I do not want to start an affair with a man. But, if that happens, well, I consider myself separated from my H...we live in one country, he works abroad, and he was home for Xmas and New Year. He had his recent affair Feb/March which led to us not seeing each other then as planned. When he came home last month, I refused to sleep with him. I have told him I want a divorce, and I have seen a lawyer twice, telling my H each time I was due to go to the appointment.

 

I will safeguard myself against 'happily married men' by not becoming friends with them... hmm, actually, I have email contact with an old friend of mine from college who is unhappily married, and he just recently asked me to go on vacation with him and his friend.... ha ha, my H would Freak Out! I was entertaining the idea, and asked old friend if my 22 year old son could come too, and he said yes... lol... I am not going to go, but anyway, I would like to see what my H would say!

Anyway, at the moment, I have a lot to deal with in my life, I am in a transitional stage... (at age 44, having been a SAHM and studying for a degree, now our youngest has just finished her first year of college) like what career to follow, which job to go for, what Master's degree to complete.

Also, I have my kids home for the Summer and we are going away overseas for a few weeks.

The last thing I need is a new relationship with a new man, when I am still untangling myself from H. But, if it happens, it will make me extricate myself quicker from my M. As far as I am concerned mentally and physically my marital status is 'Separated', not 'Married'. Yes, I even told H's parents this, the other day.

[Athena]

The women who make it so clear up front that nothing will happen are all the better for chasing yes? Are you more switched on to the games men play after what your H confessed? How can you not be suspicious of every married man that talks to you in a friendly way?

 

I have had more than my fair share of attention from men, married and single men. As I have been married for more than half of my life -- from age 21 to now, 23 years later, I am pretty used to batting the men off...

But, yes, after hearing about my H's tactics -- using his marital status as a way of getting closer to a potential OW by letting them get their guard down, I am more suspicious... HOWEVER, by nature I am friendly and polite, so when I am approached by a man, I do talk to him, then carry on my way. I just see it as a compliment when a man says something nice to me.

 

How long have you been married, Halo? Do you have children? How old are you and your H?

You said you had a pretty good marriage. You are blessed.

[jasminetea]

Just to clear things up......

Just so you know, he is at work and it's winter here. We live in Australia.

 

No vacation, no holiday with his W. Don't misunderstand....the total number of texts has been 3. All sent within 3 days of the breakup( 9 days ago now). I am very mindful of bombarding him (or anyone for that matter) with txts. . But had I been in the northern hemisphere your assumptions may have been good. Thanks!

 

I think its not only telling that he hasn't been in contact at all, but also the fact his wife - one of your 'close' friends from uni also hasn't contacted you. They look like they're working on their marriage and ring fencing it.

 

I was naieve in my ability to not recognise the experience and charms of my MM.

This sounds like you're blaming the MM for your falling for him. Maybe it would be a good idea to think about who is responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions.

[her_halo_slipped]

 

I am curious --how will you explain the sudden absence of your friend to your H? I suppose you could use the fact that you two don't work together?

Yes...exactly that. I am a busy person usually and so I could also use that as an excuse (reason). Eventually MM and I may cross paths in a work sense. We are medical profesionals and attend professional development meetings which may see us in the same room together at some point. Not in the near future as I don't plan on attending until I am 100% over him.

 

As for your question about my friend...

Okay that makes sense as does your update on your M. What a sensible outlook you have. I wish you every success.

[her_halo_slipped]

How long have you been married, Halo? Do you have children? How old are you and your H?

You said you had a pretty good marriage. You are blessed.

I have been married 14 years with children aged 12 and 9. I cannot really complain about my H. As far as I know he is faithful and happy. He likes the simple things in life and enjoys his work. He is very family orientated and we share the same life goals and values. As far as I can tell he adores me. We spend a lot of time together and are happy.

Most people assume there is something "missing", "wrong" or "broken" in a relationship for one partner to seek friendship with another member of the opposite sex but i don't necessarily concur with that. I have done some soul searching and it would be a very long bow for me to draw in my situation. I think I was attracted to my MM because he was a person with qualities I both admired and respected. Over time I did become attracted to him. We shared many things and did find comfort together in some of the difficult work related situations we found ourselves in. I guess the progression was a natural human tendancy, clearly not a moral one and the next thing we were in an EA. HOWEVER...your earlier comments, Athena " I want to warn you though... something about your MM makes me think he is way more experienced than he has led you to believe ... and the way you have been thinking and acting all along in the past year makes me think you (naively) have tended to trust and give MM the benefit of the doubt whenever it was questionable if he were making advances to you ... in particular, you mentioned his ambiguous invitations... "have me thinking perhaps I was slightly naieve and perhaps he really was playing a game with me. I will probably never really know that.

The fact is he did lead me on...he instigated many of our meetings. His conversation was tainted with innuendo. He came to my home when my H was out. I think he did know what he was doing. He asked me to his home twice both times his W was out and both times I felt uncomfortable. I always wondered why he never invited her to coffee but he always said she was busy. When I tired of the "not knowing" and put the cards on the table he backed right down. Fair enough. (before anyone starts jumping up and down..yes I played a part in this entire situation and I accept my share of the blame too). I am only trying to understand it. Maybe you are right Athena and he is more a player than I thought. Maybe another poster was right in say that I read more into it than there was. Maybe you were right in saying he might have been interested but the wisdom of his previous experience in having an affair took over and he just couldn't go there.Who knows. Anyway the more I post here the more I am beginning to realize it really isn't important. What's important is I learn from this, let the situation go and move on. If the truth be told I never really wanted a PA out of it. I just wanted to see if that's where he wanted to go. Clearly it wasn't. Hence my comments about the misunderstanding re all or nothing.

Anyway...whats done is done. It was unhealthy as it was and it needed to be addressed one way or another. I could have chosen another option but I didn't.

[her_halo_slipped]

? On Sunday I wrote my feelings (the whole kitty and caboodle) in an email and sent it.

 

For those following my thread...he still hasn't read this email.

Should I delete it so he never gets to read it?

[Athena]

? On sunday i wrote my feelings (the whole kitty and caboodle) in an email and sent it.

 

for those following my thread...he still hasn't read this email.

should i delete it so he never gets to read it?

 

yes!!.....

[Athena]

What's important is I learn from this, let the situation go and move on. If the truth be told I never really wanted a PA out of it. I just wanted to see if that's where he wanted to go. Clearly it wasn't. Hence my comments about the misunderstanding re all or nothing.

Anyway...whats done is done. It was unhealthy as it was and it needed to be addressed one way or another. I could have chosen another option but I didn't.

 

Now look who's being Sensible!

Good for you!

 

Do what's right, and stay away from him. But -- Be Prepared, because it is only human nature for him to start to miss you, and he WILL COME back to you! Again, he will probably use some innocent sounding excuse, or some such thing to pick up where you left off... so think about it all from now -- will you pick up, or will you tell him to take a hike?

<shrug> What is it YOU want?

[Athena]

BTW Halo, your marriage sounds really good, and your H sounds like a good man. You may take this for granted -- a good man and a good marriage, but I think you are truly fortunate, and should think long and hard about doing anything to damage/change what you have... don't risk it... most people do not know what they have until they lose it. Don't be just another statistic.

[her_halo_slipped]

Now look who's being Sensible!

Good for you!

 

so think about it all from now -- will you pick up, or will you tell him to take a hike?

<shrug> What is it YOU want?

I know what I don't want Athena and that is a repeat performance. As for what I do want...that will require some thought. It is one thing to want something but quite another for that want to be practical. I would like his friendship but I am not sure that will be practical. More thinking to do on that. For now I know I cannot have anything to do with him. It's too soon. I'll wait a bit and when the dust settles I'll think some more about it.

You are right about taking a good H and M for granted. I don't do that and am grateful for what I have. Each day I thank my lucky stars for the life I have. I know this EA is a little blip on the radar of life as a whole and that just as a storm passes so to will this. Hopefully, thankfully the EA not progressing to a PA and my ability to end it now will not leave a trail of destruction as a tornado might have. I am deleting that email as we speak.

[whichwayisup]

But WHY do you want his friendship? What is it that you're going to get out of it? If you decide to keep the friendship, will you allow your husband and him to meet? Would you hang out together as couples? Keeping this friendship (and I know it will be hidden from your H) is just going to keep your romantic feelings for him alive. You have expectations because of your emotions - Which is why I think you're trying to hang onto a 'friendship', and the fact that you really like how this guy makes you feel. That isn't a healthy friendship, it is one that does damage to you, to the MM, your marriage and his marriage.

 

Imagine this, you wake up tomorrow with some illness. WHO would it be that is going be there with you? To support you, hold you, care for you. MM or your husband?

[her_halo_slipped]

But WHY do you want his friendship? What is it that you're going to get out of it? If you decide to keep the friendship, will you allow your husband and him to meet? Would you hang out together as couples? Keeping this friendship (and I know it will be hidden from your H) is just going to keep your romantic feelings for him alive. You have expectations because of your emotions - Which is why I think you're trying to hang onto a 'friendship', and the fact that you really like how this guy makes you feel. That isn't a healthy friendship, it is one that does damage to you, to the MM, your marriage and his marriage.

 

Imagine this, you wake up tomorrow with some illness. WHO would it be that is going be there with you? To support you, hold you, care for you. MM or your husband?

My H and MM have already met before socially at a work function. As I said this started as a platonic friendship, that was not closeted away and until the last three meetings my H was aware of my meetings with MM. Keeping the friendship is a long way off, if it happens at all. Why are you so against remaining friends? I think friendships following these types of situations can be achieved if both parties are on the same page. It was not healthy towards the end in the state it was because there was too much speculation, innuendo and unspoken intentions. That had to end. Realistically as I said I never wanted a PA and neither did he it seems but it took my putting the cards on the table to establish that.

It is not about waking up tomorrow with an illness...I would have many people supporting me first and foremost my H. So to my MM. He is a physician.

[her_halo_slipped]

 

I am an Exec. Admin and have worked for male bosses my entire career (over 20 years). At no time did I ever develop feelings for them (emotional or physical). There is a line that you just don't cross. ESPECIALLY if you are married.

Just to be clear...MM was not my boss. We are equals.

It is commendable of you to never have developed feelings for your bosses. Neither have I done that in my 25 year career.

[Lyssa]

Men, unlike women, will 'test the waters' just to see IF they could Get Somewhere with an available female. I don't know why. They just do. So here we are, unsuspecting women who assume that a friendly married man is just being, well, "friendly" -- Nope... a friendly man is phishing to see what His Chances Are... even if it's just a mental check & tally, and he has no intentions to act on his chances.

 

That is so true, Athena. I have caught a few of my married guy friends doing that to me several times and clearly, after a few attempts (them), I have told them I can no longer be friends with them.

 

It makes me wonder at times, are some men not happy enough with what they have?