Long, but important, post. Anything is appreciated.

[heatherb16]

I decided I would try to find a forum like this today, because I have been feeling extremely down lately. You guessed it, break-up. We were together for almost a year and a half. When I was 15, I thought I found the guy that I was going to marry. My parents are high-school sweethearts, so I knew that it was possible. I need to get my story out there, so I do know that I'm not alone. That others are going through the same thing I am.

 

So it all started 15 months ago, March 16th, 2008. I remember almost every detail of that day. I was a nervous wreck. We had been talking for about 6 months and I knew that was the day. My first boyfriend. Here he was. I didn't expect much out of my first relationship. Then things got serious. He told me that he loved me. For the first time in my life, I knew I was actually experiencing love. It was the best thing ever. Then around September, an argument arose, and he told me he needed a break. He told me we weren't done. We would be together. He promised. And kept that promise. This was so he could take some time for us. Time to realize that when we get back together we will be serious about each other and committed 100 percent. We technically weren't dating, but every time we saw each other we would kiss. We couldn't stay away from each other. Once the physical attraction was there, it couldn't leave. Then in December, the time came. He officially asked me back out. I questioned him- making sure he was absolutely ready for us. He assured me that he was. I should have known. I should have known that he can't deal with things- with arguments, or commitment. But we went for it. Happier than ever. And I started thinking, maybe this was best for us. We seemed to be closer than ever before. Then, it happened. A couple weeks ago, I knew things weren't going to go well. We were having our nightly talk. He was telling me how his day went wrong and I was offering my opinion. Worst mistake. I shouldn't have done that. I do it all the time and I always say that I'm sorry and I'll try. But this time it wasn't enough. He couldn't take it anymore. He told me how lately he just hasn't been happy. The arguing is tearing him apart. He had a lot of things going on that week so he pretty much dangled our relationship on a string and said, you know what, you can wait and I'll let you know what I think we should do later. I had to step in. It's when I told him, "When I get off work, I need to know what you want to do." I got off work, picked up my phone, and read a text that said, "I don't think this is working. I can't do it anymore." It was almost a relief. I knew we just weren't meant to be. If he couldn't stand by my side no matter how many times I argued, then we just can't be together. I had to keep reminding myself, that no matter how many times I wanted him back, it just couldn’t happen. The first day I cried my heart out. I handled things in a very unhealthy manner. I stopped eating for 3 days straight and lost 10 pounds. I’m a small girl. I started getting bad chest pains, as well. Since we never really had the chance to talk about our break-up, I went over to his house and dropped off a few things he let me borrow, too. We got to talking and emotions flew. For the first time, I saw him cry. I couldn’t help but grab his hand and let him know that everything would be okay. He has a tough family life and has no one to turn to. After telling him I can’t be friends with him, I started to re-think my decision. We both needed each other. We are both in the same boat. It’s not me wanting to be friends and him not wanting to be friends- we want it together. We both still care deeply for one another, we are just simply not meant to be. I truly believe that God put him and I here to be best friends, not boyfriend-girlfriend material. As happy as it made us both, talking about how good of friends we would like to continue being, it still scares me every day. We both talked about having to stay strong and not give in to the attraction, but how does one go about doing that? It was proven once that during our “break” we couldn’t stay away from each other. How is now going to be any different? It seemed so easy in the beginning talking about how we will be great friends after this is all settled, but now it seems a little more complicated. Let me clarify. There are absolutely NO intentions of getting back together. We don't want this friendship so we can pursue a relationship later. We are done. But I am constantly reminded of things we did, or things we never got to do, or things we were supposed to do. I am constantly reminded of things we can NEVER do. Ever. I went in my room today, looked around, and thought to myself that he will never see this again. When our family goes out for fun things, I will never be able to invite him along again. I will never get my kiss under the fireworks that I wanted this year, from him. I will never get a kiss again, from him. Ever. We shared so much with each other. This all sucks. Every morning I wake up thinking about this. Each day is different. I think it’s going to be a great day and then I’m reminded again. He was my first boyfriend. My first everything. We gave ourselves to each other. My first love. So I guess what I’m wanting is for people to speak out. Let me know your similar situation. Give me advice. Advice on the friendship situation after a relationship. Something to help me keep going. Something genuine. Something inspirational. A way that you think can help my situation, even to the smallest degree. Anything.

Thanks,

Heather

[Battlewax]

Seems to me like the attraction and love is there but neither of you wanted to truly do what it took to make it work. I'm not saying you didn't try, since somethings arent' meant to be.

 

I was in a relationship like this once. For 3 and a half years we would see each other and suddenly boom back in it, we will call her "K". Instead of working on the relationship, we just ran with it. Of course the original issues kept popping back up, break up, get back together, rinse, repeat. This repeated itself and I missed out on a lot because of it, same with her. We finally split after both of us wanted something different and we got in a huge argument.

 

Her and I were good friends before we dated, and talked about how we wanted to be afterwards. The thing is, you need time and distance for that to happen.

 

You can only be friends once indifference sets in. That takes a long time. K and I didn't talk for over a year and a half. By the time we did talk again, the indifference to them being with others had set in. We were both in new relationships and we could finally be the friends we had talked about so long ago.

 

With my and her most recent break up, we have really leaned on each other for support. This time the attraction is different so we can actually sit back and look at the bigger picture. We now joke about some of the stupid things we did and we help the other with whomever they choose to be with, no animosity, jealousy or envy.

 

To make a long story longer, yes it is possible to be friends. It is going to take time.