appreciate responses, even tho i know the truth

[Exit]

So we've been broken up for 2 months. After doing limited contact and not getting her to come back, I sent her a letter closing up all the loose ends, giving myself closure, and finally saying goodbye to her. Instead of letting it end then and there, she takes the opportunity to string me along by saying "I'll write back to you later this week".

 

Soooo like a sucker I've waited. I asked her after a week if she was going to write or if she changed her mind, she said she would today. So at 11pm I ask her if she's going to keep her word or not. She tells me she had trouble connecting to the internet and wasn't home at the moment. (she knows what game she's playing with me by saying "Not home" instead of saying exactly where she is). Of course she couldn't have been adult enough during the day to tell me she couldn't get online, and save me the trouble of checking me email every 5 mins hoping to hear from her. And hearing that she wasn't home freaked me out so I called her mom and she said she's just out with friends. Still paranoid about what she might be doing out though.

 

There's a WAR inside of me right now. Part of me so badly wants to tell her to take whatever she was gunna write in that letter and shove it up her ______. But then I will always wonder what she was going to write to me, maybe she finally had something good to say.

 

Neither choice is ideal. Either I sit here like a tool, let her party out all night with her friends, and hope that she sends the letter tomorrow (could end up having "internet trouble" again), or I have to be the bigger person and finally end this and tell her not to bother.

 

But the curiosity kills me that I finally said goodbye and she said she had something to write back to me.

 

I hate that I love someone so much to let them yank me around like this.

 

Yes I know this is why people advocate NC, but if I had gone NC, she'd be out partying right now and wouldn't have any intention in the world of writing to me. So although NC might not have me hurting tonight, I wouldn't be making any progress trying to get her back either.

 

I still stand by everything I've done.

[asuman]

Well, you can stand by what you've done, but it hasn't made you happier has it?

 

This is a tough period of time for you. I'm in the same boat. But I've been in constant NC since the first second. I'd say it's a bit easier to deal with. I don't think about the next time I'm going to hear from her. I don't analyze what I'm going to say to her. I don't worry about whether she will respond to me or not, because she has nothing to respond to. I'm just walking away from it all, one day at a time. You should do the same. It's the best thing you can do for your sanity.

[Exit]

No my actions haven't necessarily made me happier but NC wasn't working for me either. I was completely guilty of hoping NC would make her miss me and bring her back to me, I wasn't using it properly to help me move on. NC or not I think I'd be in about the same position tonight, wondering where she is, if I'm gunna hear from her, etc.

 

Yeah I know I have made constant excuses why to not give up hope yet, to keep talking to her, etc.

 

For my own good, this has to be the end.

 

I will bite my tongue until tomorrow, I won't tell her not to write to me because I'll regret it. But she has one more day to write to me. Come hell or high water (or internet trouble), if I don't have a message from her tomorrow, that needs to be IT for me.

 

My friend just broke up with his GF who had a bad attitude and he seemed so strong and so happy with his choice, I need to find that type of strength within myself, to know that this girl isn't good for me.

 

Even what's going on right now tonight, the way she goes out and never answers her phone and never feels the need to tell anyone what's going on, its the same BS that I saw during our relationship, why am I trying to get this back in my life?

 

Just turned Midnight here. I will see how this plays out for one more day. Then no more talking to her, no more checking up on her online, no more using her mom as a source of information. If she has something important to say to me, it needs to be said tomorrow.

 

I hate how easy it is to slip up on the nights when I can't find anything to do. I've been out with friends a lot lately and if I had managed to do that tonight I wouldn't have even cared if she wrote yet or not.

[Beeotch]

Wow....

 

Ummm so what has not doing NC done for you again? Since she is STILL out partying, still NOT replying and you're still battling this?

 

It is interesting to say "let her" do this and that...you aren't letting her do anything...she's doing whatever she wants that has nothing to do with you.You have no control over her choices anymore and she no longer cares enough...isn't it obvious? Anyone who REALLY wanted to reply and who really had something good to say would have found a way to say it....

 

But I understand that sometimes people are clouded by their feelings...so all I can say is, perhaps one day you will look back and think WTF were you thinking, because right now I can tell you are still in that rationalizing stage and believe your choices are somehow helpful.

[Lyssa]

It's easier said than done but seriously, let her go. Her coming up with lame excuses not to write to you says it all.

[asuman]

It's easier said than done but seriously, let her go. Her coming up with lame excuses not to write to you says it all.

 

Exactly. How much of a priority are you to her if she can't even bother writing a standard email that would just make you temporarily feel better for a while? Not that that's actually her job in the first place. But the fact that she chooses not to do it is evidence that you should stop depending on her to satisfy your emotional cravings.

[Beeotch]

Exactly. How much of a priority are you to her if she can't even bother writing a standard email that would just make you temporarily feel better for a while? Not that that's actually her job in the first place. But the fact that she chooses not to do it is evidence that you should stop depending on her to satisfy your emotional cravings.

 

I agree.

 

Everyone has to come to that realization on their own though, because until he does for himself, nothing anyone says will convince him otherwise.

 

I stopped making excuses for my ex when he didn't do things he said he would...I realized it was ridiculous and when he was invested in me he did far more complicated things and now even simplistic stuff he can't do? It's not that he can't or he's busy or has no internet or died or any excuse I would think up...HE DOESN'T WANT TO! Once I realized that....it made me angry and that much easier to not chase him down. It was like an epiphany: people find ways and means of doing the things they truly want to do or care about doing.

[Exit]

I agree with all you guys have said, except for one part, "she doesn't want to". You're saying she's making these excuses and whatever just because she doesn't want to talk to me.

 

You're missing part of the story then. A week ago I sent her a letter, got everything off my chest, and said GOODBYE. I didn't say "write back and say bye to me" or "call me when you get this", I said GOODBYE and expected nothing back from her.

 

SHE is the one who then told me she was going to write to me. And then after a week when I asked "are you going to, or did you change your mind?", if she didn't want to, she again had an opportunity right there to say "yeah forget it". But she insists that she has something to say.

 

So I'd have to disagree with "take a hint, she doesn't want to". I didn't put her up to any of this.

 

But I do agree somewhat, if she had something to say she would have said it by now. And I've had to bite my tongue all week to stop myself from saying something like that to her "it's obviously not important, forget it".

[Exit]

Honestly the real answer here, is that I've allowed all this to happen because I tell myself I deserve it. I did enough wrong in the relationship that I felt like I deserved for her to leave me, and deserve to get yanked around for 2 months chasing after her, trying to get her back, having her offer to talk to me, etc.

 

But I know that means I don't have a lot of love for myself.

 

So today will be it. 10 weeks I waited for her, never got mad or bitter about it, just sat here as patiently as I could, because I felt like I deserved this.

 

But we're beyond that point now. I didn't deserve to continue to get dragged along after finally working up the courage to say goodbye to her in a letter. And I don't deserve to be sitting here day after day wondering where this letter is. I've suffered enough, I've waited long enough to make up for the way I mistreated her.

 

Now I have to accept that I've paid my dues, I tried to make ammends for what happened, but I'm not going to let myself hurt anymore.

[asuman]

I agree with all you guys have said, except for one part, "she doesn't want to". You're saying she's making these excuses and whatever just because she doesn't want to talk to me.

 

You're missing part of the story then. A week ago I sent her a letter, got everything off my chest, and said GOODBYE. I didn't say "write back and say bye to me" or "call me when you get this", I said GOODBYE and expected nothing back from her.

 

SHE is the one who then told me she was going to write to me. And then after a week when I asked "are you going to, or did you change your mind?", if she didn't want to, she again had an opportunity right there to say "yeah forget it". But she insists that she has something to say.

 

So I'd have to disagree with "take a hint, she doesn't want to". I didn't put her up to any of this.

 

But I do agree somewhat, if she had something to say she would have said it by now. And I've had to bite my tongue all week to stop myself from saying something like that to her "it's obviously not important, forget it".

 

She said she'd write back because her conscience tells her that's what she's supposed to do. What she knows she should do and what she wants to do are not the same thing.

[Exit]

Well then her conscience is messed up because the best thing to do for me would have been to accept my goodbye and never say anything. Honestly that day when I felt my phone ringing in my pocket, the last thing I ever expected was a message from her saying that she would write back.

 

A big part of me still wants to tell her forget it. She works 3-7 today and it's obvious at this point (1:15) that she didn't get it done before work, so again it's clearly not too important to her.

 

My last chance at any strength/dignity is to tell her forget it. Plus I could be waiting for a letter that isn't going to say anything good anyway, then I'll really feel foolish that I waited for it.

 

But my curiosity will kill me if I tell her not to.

 

She stalled and took 3 weeks to give my things back. Then when I finally say goodbye, she wants to keep talking to me. I can't help but think maybe she is going to make me an offer to try again.

 

I know I sound weak right now, but I'm pretty sure most other people here would have a hard time turning down a letter from their ex too.

 

Plus I know her attitude, if I send a message saying forget about writing to me, her response won't be "sorry ive been busy I promise I will", it'll just be "fine, your loss".

[Exit]

Sooo close to picking up my phone and texting "it's obviously not important, just forget it. should have just let me say goodbye".

 

Trying so hard not to make decisions based on my ego. I just want to calm down and leave it alone and if she writes or doesn't, then so be it. But part of me would feel relieved to send that.

[NopeNah]

I sense a "soul bear crash" coming out of this. I think you're building up alot of false hope that's going to come back and bite you. Is she seeing anyone else?

[Exit]

I sense a "soul bear crash" coming out of this. I think you're building up alot of false hope that's going to come back and bite you. Is she seeing anyone else?

 

Yeah I think that is the root cause of my urge to tell her to forget it, part of me senses that the letter is not going to be good anyway.

 

I don't think she is seeing anyone. She became interested in me while she was in a relationship and she had the backbone to sit down and tell that guy the truth that there was someone else, so I don't think she would hide it from me.

 

I'm a mess. I can't comprehend why she wants to write to me after I finally said goodbye. She never budged an INCH about giving me another chance, trying to have a casual meal together, nothing. So I finally said goodbye, and you would think she would have left it alone.

 

Yes my hopes are "up" somewhat, I don't see why at this point she would write another letter to rehash what went wrong, or to tell me that I don't get another chance, she's already said all that a millions times. I can't help but think she has something different to say. And that's what's stopping me from telling her to forget it.

 

I think I will wait. If I tell her to forget it, there's a 0% chance of hearing something good from her. If I let her write to me, it's 50/50. And if the letter isn't good, yes it will crush me, but I will be relieved. And at that point I WILL be ready to incorporate NC the way it's meant to be used. I will be ready to forget her.

[Beeotch]

I agree with all you guys have said, except for one part, "she doesn't want to". You're saying she's making these excuses and whatever just because she doesn't want to talk to me.

 

You're missing part of the story then. A week ago I sent her a letter, got everything off my chest, and said GOODBYE. I didn't say "write back and say bye to me" or "call me when you get this", I said GOODBYE and expected nothing back from her.

 

SHE is the one who then told me she was going to write to me. And then after a week when I asked "are you going to, or did you change your mind?", if she didn't want to, she again had an opportunity right there to say "yeah forget it". But she insists that she has something to say.

 

So I'd have to disagree with "take a hint, she doesn't want to". I didn't put her up to any of this.

 

But I do agree somewhat, if she had something to say she would have said it by now. And I've had to bite my tongue all week to stop myself from saying something like that to her "it's obviously not important, forget it".

 

People can often feel guilty....even if you didn't ask for a response...she probably felt like awww maybe I should say something in return. So the fact that you didn't ask her to reply really doesn't mean anything...she perhaps was suffering from a guilty conscience when she said that.

 

As for having the opportunity to say she didn't want to...we have all been there...and my ex and I have been there. He had many opportunities (I thought) to say certain things and he didn't...

 

IN TRUTH: I can't know what he is thinking. It is very annoying and frustrating to read into clues. So I STOPPED. Yes it could be this or it could be that but at the end of the day you only have their ACTUAL ACTIONS to go off of...and I chose that route versus the open-ended "maybe-this-maybe-that" route.

 

I decided that if he feels a particular way or has a particular thing he wants to say: HE WILL SAY IT! But in the meantime I am not going to read into the little hints etc. That is what drives you crazy. The unknown...the maybe...the open-endedness...NC personally helps me because I am not at his mercy waiting for his response, reading into the little hopeful things he says etc. I do me and if and when he should come around...he does, but I am not dragged along on his emotional/indecisive rollercoaster.

[NopeNah]

I wouldn't tell her to forget it and start your NC now. I also would accept that there's chance that it will never come and begin to move on. If it comes, cool! If not, cool!

[Beeotch]

Sooo close to picking up my phone and texting "it's obviously not important, just forget it. should have just let me say goodbye".

 

Trying so hard not to make decisions based on my ego. I just want to calm down and leave it alone and if she writes or doesn't, then so be it. But part of me would feel relieved to send that.

 

Your strategy for doing that is also one in which you hope she will feel guilty and finally make a response when you say that...reverse psychology.

 

I totally get it...but it is not worth it to be honest.

 

At the end of the day do you really want someone who you had to chase down or guilt into a response?

 

You perhaps know deep down that she won't reply...I doubt you believe that she is just about to write you and you saying don't bother will deter her.

[Exit]

People can often feel guilty....even if you didn't ask for a response...she probably felt like awww maybe I should say something in return. So the fact that you didn't ask her to reply really doesn't mean anything...she perhaps was suffering from a guilty conscience when she said that.

 

 

Yeah, I understand what you are saying. This just isn't usual behavior for her. She didn't feel guilty when it crushed me to break up with me. She didn't feel guilty to talk to me every few weeks and still tell me no, etc etc etc, so now to tell myself "she offered to write back out of guilt" just doesn't fit the bill. She is a deliberate person. She does what she wants. When I kept telling her it was absurd to not even go out to dinner with me and see if we can make it work, she said stuff like "I will do or not do whatever I want". She doesn't operate on guilt. I can only believe she is writing this letter because she has something to say.

 

Oh well, I just want today to go by fast. I have to stop myself from controlling the situation. Why tell her not to write to me if she is planning on it. Just leave it alone. But after tonight I am done waiting.

 

 

 

 

And yeah, telling her to forget it would be trying to motivate her out of guilt.

 

I will just leave it alone. I will check my mail tonight. If nothing is there I won't even say anything.

[Beeotch]

Yeah, I understand what you are saying. This just isn't usual behavior for her. She didn't feel guilty when it crushed me to break up with me. She didn't feel guilty to talk to me every few weeks and still tell me no, etc etc etc, so now to tell myself "she offered to write back out of guilt" just doesn't fit the bill. She is a deliberate person. She does what she wants. When I kept telling her it was absurd to not even go out to dinner with me and see if we can make it work, she said stuff like "I will do or not do whatever I want". She doesn't operate on guilt. I can only believe she is writing this letter because she has something to say.

 

Oh well, I just want today to go by fast. I have to stop myself from controlling the situation. Why tell her not to write to me if she is planning on it. Just leave it alone. But after tonight I am done waiting.

 

 

 

 

And yeah, telling her to forget it would be trying to motivate her out of guilt.

 

I will just leave it alone. I will check my mail tonight. If nothing is there I won't even say anything.

 

People's behavior often doesn't make sense...

 

I had an ex (the one before my most current ex) who would always email me promising to call or asking for reconciliation, promising to do all these great things...mind you I did not ask him to say any of this...and he ALWAYS fell through. I have clues as to why: cowardice, he's ashamed, scared, doesn't really know what to do, he admitted being intimidated by me etc.

 

Most recently this year he resurfaced making all these promises...fell through...and I got so pissed off because I am like "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? LEAVE ME ALONE! WHY COME BACK OF YOUR OWN FREE WILL AND MAKE ALL THESE PROMISES THEN NOT DO IT...I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO...WHY PUT YOURSELF IN AN AWKWARD POSITION?????"

 

I just left him to his own devices though lol. Fortunately, I am not inlove with him anymore so it doesn't bother me deeply...it is just annoying and makes me shake my head at how ridiculous people can be and nonsensical. I don't understand why he does that....but I just said that to say that...things don't always make sense. Who knows why people do certan things?? The point is: great for them but you don't have to be dragged along.

[Exit]

Yeah, she hasn't made sense this entire time. After insisting that she would not take me back, I told her "fine, I want my stuff back, and DO NOT HESITATE TO GIVE IT BACK or I will think that you can't go through with this". I even offered she could leave it outside my house without even having to see me. She drives this direction every day for work. Sure enough, 2 weeks later, I still didn't have my things. I had to go wait at her car and confront her to get it back. And I said "thanks for hesitating after I asked you not to".

 

So already back then she wasn't making sense. And now same thing with this. After being told by her "you have your stuff, leave me alone now", THEN offering to talk to me again, THEN falling through on that offer to talk again is when I sent her the letter saying goodbye, THEN she offers to write back to me.....

 

She doesn't know what she wants and I am sure of that. But I need to stop waiting.

 

I regret that I responded to her offer to write back. I immediately said "ok that would be nice". I should have left her in the dark like she's doing to me.

 

It is EXACTLY what you said, why do they put themselves in these awkward situations??? I tell her "give my stuff back or I'll assume we're getting back together". What does she do? Keeps my stuff. I write her a letter saying "ok I know I need to leave you alone now, so goodbye". What does she do? She offers to write back!!!!!

 

You mention trying to judge her actions instead of her words, well that's what I'm doing. Her words have been "you had your chance, we're done". Her actions have been nothing but stalling.

 

I know exactly what you mean, I need to break this chain myself because I can't rely on her to do it for me. Although she broke up with me and hasn't come back, she is still doing just enough to keep me on her string.

[Beeotch]

Yeah, she hasn't made sense this entire time. After insisting that she would not take me back, I told her "fine, I want my stuff back, and DO NOT HESITATE TO GIVE IT BACK or I will think that you can't go through with this". I even offered she could leave it outside my house without even having to see me. She drives this direction every day for work. Sure enough, 2 weeks later, I still didn't have my things. I had to go wait at her car and confront her to get it back. And I said "thanks for hesitating after I asked you not to".

 

So already back then she wasn't making sense. And now same thing with this. After being told by her "you have your stuff, leave me alone now", THEN offering to talk to me again, THEN falling through on that offer to talk again is when I sent her the letter saying goodbye, THEN she offers to write back to me.....

 

She doesn't know what she wants and I am sure of that. But I need to stop waiting.

 

I regret that I responded to her offer to write back. I immediately said "ok that would be nice". I should have left her in the dark like she's doing to me.

 

It is EXACTLY what you said, why do they put themselves in these awkward situations??? I tell her "give my stuff back or I'll assume we're getting back together". What does she do? Keeps my stuff. I write her a letter saying "ok I know I need to leave you alone now, so goodbye". What does she do? She offers to write back!!!!!

 

You mention trying to judge her actions instead of her words, well that's what I'm doing. Her words have been "you had your chance, we're done". Her actions have been nothing but stalling.

 

I know exactly what you mean, I need to break this chain myself because I can't rely on her to do it for me. Although she broke up with me and hasn't come back, she is still doing just enough to keep me on her string.

 

Exactly!

 

Stop putting the power and choice in their hands. Stop making decisions based on what they are going to do/not going to do/feeling/thinking etc...don't wait on their actions/inactions/response feelings to do what YOU need to do. These people are NOT waiting on our response/feelings/actions. So why should we wait on theirs?

 

Take back the control!

[Exit]

Yeah, that's what I hate about this situation. I took control by saying goodbye to her, and mere minutes later, she snatched it right back from me by saying she would write back. She is too good at playing this game.

 

I have been going out with other people, been spending time with another girl although we're just friends right now. It's just the days when I can't find anything to do that I start to lose my grip on things. I hate that I even asked her why she hadn't written yet. Should have left it alone.

[t0ri]

She totally is keeping you hanging by a very thin thread. She knows very well that you're waiting around for the letter. If I were you, I'd forget about the letter and never mention it again. It's apparently not important, whatever she might say, or she would have done it already.

[Exit]

Yeah, I can't change the past but I'm not going to ask her anymore.

 

And I hate having to play games, but if she sends the letter, I might not read it for a few days, especially if she sends it on MySpace where you can check if the message is read/unread yet by the person you sent it too.

 

It probably won't be anything important. I got my hopes up that she had something good to say. But probably not.

 

I've already braced myself for bad news. And I'm not going to cry or beg again. If her letters has no point I'm just going to say "ok, thanks, goodbye like I said a week ago".

[I_Wonder]

she is just playing mind games with you. my ex did the same thing and i eventually let go. at first it was we can't talk on the phone because there would be too much emotion but we could text/email. i sent about 4 emails and he never responded even though he kept saying he would. finally i sent one last email just putting everything out there and told him that i didn't want a response and i meant it. you said you didn't want a response but your actions are showing otherwise. if it was for closure then you wouldn't even care if she emailed you or not. by askin her over and over if she is going to respond and checking up on her via her mom, you're giving her the power. if you don't care...act like it! you will only come off as weak and still hanging on. i dont mean to come off harsh, but i say this because when i looked back on my actions thats exactly how i came off. you have to truly let go and not care about their actions. i know its easier said than done, but you truly have to stop worrying about the other person. its time to focus on you! who cares if she said she would respond? you shouldn't! if you check your email and there is no response, you should be able to shrug your shoulders and hit the log out button! btw...NC goes for the family too! i realized this after a while. the family needs time and space too!