StoptheDrama Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 What is it about the MM that they need to keep us hanging on after we end the A or are trying to?? I've read so much about addiction and cake eaters and selfish behavior but they (at least in my situation) still mystify me. I would NEVER lower myself to crying as a way to try to keep someone in my life (as he has done) and yet, as women, aren't we supposedly the 'emotional' sex? I can't fathom desperately wanting to keep someone in my life if I did not care about them deeply but he doesn't love me...maybe it's the woman in me (as in we supposedly have affairs for emotional connection whereas men supposedly have them for sex) but I just don't get it. Is it the ego? The inability to take rejection? Addiction? Immaturity? Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I'd really like to see what you ladies (& gents) think. BTW - he called me to make sure I wasn't upset with him as he hadn't had much time for me the past few days as he was really busy... AARRGGHH! & yet again I need to vent...
MistyK Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Because it suits their purposes. They do whatever they have to do to get what they want and the know the OW and the BW well enough to be able to yank both their chains to keep everyone hanging on. For my MM - his thing is trying to get a satisfying life piecemeal: He wants to have the surface appearance of the million dollar family - the wife and kids and dog by his side and also get the emotional and physical piece he is supposedly missing with his wife. I just read about another guy like that - they figure that no one can really meet their needs so they try to piece it together with several different people. Or, maybe, they're just dicks.
Lyssa Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Is it the ego? The inability to take rejection? Addiction? Immaturity? Narcissistic Personality Disorder? All of the above. Some MM want to feel that they are the best thing that has ever happened to the OW and when it's clear to them that the OW can move on without them, it pisses MM off.
sugarmomma Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 They will cry and kill their mommas to get sex on the side!!!
jj33 Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Its not always sex that they want. Sometimes they just want that emotional connection. Many times the A fufills unmet emotional needs in the marriage and even if the PA cant continue they are not ready to let go of that connection so they keep up the EA. No its not fair but in my experience they tell themselves that if there is no more PA, then its not an A and its fine, he isnt keeping you hanging on. Only you can detach yourself. That is not something he can do for you.
torranceshipman Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Because you let them!! The way he has acted, you should really be saying 'back off loser, stop contacting me-you're pathetic' - and really mean it. But you let him come back and speak to you...why?!? Laugh in his face next time, invent a new baggage free hot single guy and tell him you're happily dating that man, as that is what single people do. And that you're sorry he's having to still deal with his own miserable baggage ad so on, but whatever, that's his problem. Then go and start a new chapter of your life without this sorry ass in the picture!
jj33 Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Stop. I dont really have anything new to add but am thinking about your thread (and procrastinting...) and he will keep you hanging on as long as you let him. Why they do it isnt the question. Trust me as you know from my other thread I have asked those questions for over a year.... and it gets you nowhere. It all comes back to that opening scene from Hes Just Not That Into You. Women are taught from an early age to decode mens bad behavior and say oh he is only doing that because he loves you... and too many of us (myself included) keep doing that as adults. The trick is not to become a sleuth. The trick is to say OK hes not with me, the A is over, hes still married, he's being an azz. I dont want him in my life while is a married azz. Analysis over. When and if he ever has something meaningful to say to you (e.g. I am now divorced, so sorry I was an azz, I realize I was wrong, lets try to work things out) then you consider speaking to him. Until then, he doesnt deserve your time or attention. Cut him off. No more reading tea leaves. Easier said than done I know. But that is the attiitude that will get you past this. Its only been a short time (a few days) that I have been able to muster this stance but it feels so much better and he has stopped being an azz (its not a personal relationshp but he has stopped being an azz in business because he knows he wont get the same reaction from me anymore).
OpenBook Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I think it's the same principle as for single guys. Turn a guy down, and he'll try even harder to get your attention. Men stay men, even after they get married. A leopard doesn't change its spots. Also, you have previously said "yes" to this MM. So he thinks he'll get it again, if he just tries a little harder. I call it Pavlov's Dog Syndrome. Of course, this doesn't change the fact that he's married and "shouldn't" be chasing anyone (although "shouldn't" hasn't ever stopped these guys, and never will). This isn't about you. Meaning, he isn't thinking about your well-being. It's all about him and getting his own needs met... and he thinks you're the most convenient person to do it. Ain't love grand. (on BOTH sides of the marriage)
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 They keep you hanging on because they like having you in their life. That in no way means that they want to replace things in their life with you - they just like having you as a 'vacation' partner and it is nice knowing that there is someone out there who wants you in a way that your W or H doesn't (or at the very least usually doesn't bother to show).
Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Listen to your screen name - Stop the drama! Most affairs are about ego stroking and external validation, to the cheater. With this in mind, why would he want to lose his narcissistic supply? Btw, your thread title made me think of Kim Wilde's 1987 remake of the Supreme's classic: You Keep Me Hangin' On.
NoIDidn't Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Its not always sex that they want. Sometimes they just want that emotional connection. Many times the A fufills unmet emotional needs in the marriage and even if the PA cant continue they are not ready to let go of that connection so they keep up the EA. No its not fair but in my experience they tell themselves that if there is no more PA, then its not an A and its fine, he isnt keeping you hanging on. Only you can detach yourself. That is not something he can do for you. This is true but generally the marriage is devoid of emotional connection because the cheater can't develop one with someone close to them. Having an A helps them keep the marriage from feeling like they are being ruled or taken over. The marriage wouldn't lack the emotional connection if the cheater actually fostered it in the marriage to begin with. But why do they keep "us" hanging on? Because apparently "we" let them. No other reason. No one can make you do what you don't want to do. If you don't want to hang on, then stop the drama.
jj33 Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I agree NID. Noone keeps you hanging on but you (or in my case I kept myself hanging on). When you are done, you simply stop caring what they say or how many stones they throw to get your attention. Its no longer important to enough to get your attention.
NoIDidn't Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I agree NID. Noone keeps you hanging on but you (or in my case I kept myself hanging on). When you are done, you simply stop caring what they say or how many stones they throw to get your attention. Its no longer important to enough to get your attention. My ex contacted me on FaceBook the other day. I really did love him even though I knew he had a girlfriend. He always told me he felt obligated to her since she had terminated a pregnancy shortly after they first met. I always broke up with him after those "speeches". LOL But I kept myself hanging on concerning him. I knew I didn't want to be with him for life, but I wanted him to pine for me. But it only turned into me pining for him and his attention. When I realized that I was doing this to myself, I let it go. I didn't really need his attention. I just wanted it. I wanted it to prove that I actually meant something to him, anything. No more hanging on to wanting him to pine for me. When he contacted me, it was like talking to anyone else that I haven't spoken to in a while and would like to keep it that way. It was short and polite. The feelings are gone. But it took me many years to get to this place. My H and his EA helped me put it into perspective. We really do keep ourselves hanging on, and for many different reasons.
fooled once Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Because you let them!! The way he has acted, you should really be saying 'back off loser, stop contacting me-you're pathetic' - and really mean it. But you let him come back and speak to you...why?!? Laugh in his face next time, invent a new baggage free hot single guy and tell him you're happily dating that man, as that is what single people do. And that you're sorry he's having to still deal with his own miserable baggage ad so on, but whatever, that's his problem. Then go and start a new chapter of your life without this sorry ass in the picture! I totally agree. They do it because women LET them.
Ariadne Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 What is it about the MM that they need to keep us hanging on after we end the A or are trying to?? Where else is he going to find another like you? Is not like lovers are around the corner.
Gamine Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Some people need, want, enjoy... a distraction... and what a better distraction could there possibly be than one where they feel like 'King of the Hill'?
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