MistyK Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 So the unexpected fall out of my asking him to leave me alone on vacation was him attacking me, which ruined about 2 days for me. Apparently MM and BW had a discussion about her therapy session in which she said she would care for him if he required care (like after an accident), and I would not. Supposedly he didn't tell her this, but he nevertheless believes this to be true. I find it hilarious in light of how I've shoved aside my whole life to care for him for two years while according to him, she has never been able to bring herself to iron a shirt. At any rate, it's incredibly insulting for someone who claims to know me and he explained his reaction as the result of viewing me as a stereotype mistress. Well isn't that nice? So eventually, I saw this little episode for what it was, but then it got me even madder that he'd be so infantile. Which brings me to another point - some of you may recall that I predicted nothing would have changed while I was gone. Well, I was right of course. The second car he's keeping over there is getting inspected in a few days and he intends to return it to the W's house when it's done. And just Guess where the creep is RIGHT NOW, waiting for BW to come home from a date (babysitting the kids, supposedly)? And it turns out, all the stuff he keeps buying for the kids for his house, he has taken over to the BW's house and keeps "forgetting" to bring it home. Riiiiiiiiiight. Damn I am so pissed and sad I can't see straight. Fair enough, maybe that's what I need to get him out of my life for good.
NoIDidn't Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Damn I am so pissed and sad I can't see straight. Fair enough, maybe that's what I need to get him out of my life for good. That's the ticket.
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I think the light is going on around you and you're seeing the 'truth' now. Get out now and don't look back. This guy is LYING to you and he will continue to do so because he knows (or thinks he knows) that you will take it and eventually 'believe' him so he can still pull your chain.
Lyssa Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 And it turns out, all the stuff he keeps buying for the kids for his house, he has taken over to the BW's house and keeps "forgetting" to bring it home. Riiiiiiiiiight. Guess it's time to tell him to shove those stuff up his arse!
Author MistyK Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 I should also mention that part of his temper tantrum is the result of my telling him that I intend to start seeing other people. I don't know why, but I just didn't expect this kind of retaliation. I mean what kind of bullsh*t is it for him to spend every waking moment with his W (who he is supposedly divorcing - she filed) and yet I am supposed to continue giving him the undying loyalty he's had for almost 3 years with no reciprocation. Piss on that.
sugarmomma Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Doesn't sound like they are getting a divorce to me. She filed and he got his azz in gear. At home while she's on a date? That is priceless!!!!!! Move on M!!!
torranceshipman Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 He is really a sad and pathetic excuse for a man....he seems to be doing a HELL of a lot of manipulation on you and it is clearer than daylight that he is NEVER going to leave the W, that he is lying and that he is certainly no prize. Seriously, the only way out of this situation is for YOU to end it on YOUR terms, so you don't feel need for closure, and just walk away - and remove him 100% from your life, as this little weasel seems intent on really playing with you and hurting you, and the longer you stay in touch the more destruction he'll do. I think that the moment you do that, the sense of pride and freedom from having your self-esteem trampled on every moment, will be liberating. I think this is like the movie Sliding Doors, if you ever saw that...your decision to leave this guy pronto will leave you with a) happy new life even though it is a hard transitional period to get over the sadness of ending it, or b) sorry ass continuation of a life half lived for a long time, with a an who doesn't deserve you, missing out on other great things in the meantime.
fooled once Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Misty; I really hope you are getting him out of your life and moving on. He doesn't deserve you. YOU deserve so much more than the crumbs he gives you. I wish you could just tell him to leave you alone and mean it. I wish you would NOT take his calls; not allow him over; do not email him or accept emails from him. He has shown you time and time again that you are NOT important to him. I do wish you so much happiness; and it will NOT be with him. Sorry he ruined your vacation. Just goes to show what a selfish prick he is.
Author MistyK Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 This is not exactly a surprise, but of course MM is blaming his glacial movement on me - he feels certain that I'm going to hurt him. How funny since his refusal to not be ruled by that fear not only hurts me, but also makes all of this a self-fulfilling prophecy. He admits he is still indecisive even as he wants me to believe that his moving out means he "chose" me. (ok, wtf?) I also recently learned that the BW is trying to force him into a decision by asking him to remove his belongings from the house (if he does it, which so far he has refused, she has her answer). Also she's having the final divorce papers sent to him to sign in advance of the expiration of the waiting period. Again I think the goal is to see if he signs them or holds them to get her answer. He claims he'll sign them immediately. I don't believe this for a second, especially since I know she's still asking him to come home daily. I am gylad she's forcing him to make a decision, but it pisses me off royal that one or both of us (me and the BW) always seem to have to force him in a corner to get him off the dime. Anyway, the end of the waiting period is only a month away. I told him again this morning that I am not putting my life on hold for him anymore because he refuses to take the risk to be really with me. I am refocusing on my own life because I am tired of feeling that my life is at the mercy of MM and his W's decisions. Still, I am curious to see what happens when the waiting period expires and it is only a month away....is it just another wasted month?
KikiW Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Gah, at this point I'd want to have coffee with the BW and talk about how this joker isn't good for EITHER of us and make sure his azz gets tossed out of BOTH lives. There can be so few redeeming qualities in this guy. Why in the world would you OR the wife want to deal with someone who strings along two women like this? ICK ICK ICK. I want a man, not a spineless weenie. JMO.
Angel1111 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I should also mention that part of his temper tantrum is the result of my telling him that I intend to start seeing other people. I don't know why, but I just didn't expect this kind of retaliation. I mean what kind of bullsh*t is it for him to spend every waking moment with his W (who he is supposedly divorcing - she filed) and yet I am supposed to continue giving him the undying loyalty he's had for almost 3 years with no reciprocation. Piss on that. I can tell you what the issues are in his marriage - his temper. And if you stay with him, it'll be the same thing. It doesn't matter what causes his temper tantrums - if he verbally attacks you, walk away. It's really that simple. There are few things worse on this earth than a man with no self-control. Lose the idiot.
2sure Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I cannot help but notice that throughout the course of your threads and posts... Although I see the typical he wont decide, doesnt want to be the bad guy, cake eater in your MM. This one adds a new twist. When he won't commit to you...he makes it YOUR FAULT. To be honest, this is contemptible , unattractive, and beneath your intelligence. Its got to be.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 With or without the divorce his stbx owns his balls, and he enjoys it and uses being there for his kids as a cover. Just my $.02. I have my own MM to deal with *sigh*
Author MistyK Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 He really hates it when I call him out for what I see as the truth of his behaviors, and I get the silent treatment until he can bring himself to not be so infantile. I know the "it's about the kids" thing is at best partially true. Now that I've declared that I'm not waiting for him anymore, he's been all about sending me lovey-dovey emails and texts today. It's obvious manipulation, so it pisses me off more than anything else. Oh well, guess it's nice to be "loved", eh? Nevertheless, I am determined to reclaim my life, if only one tiny piece at a time.
ForumFool Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Misty like before I told you to let go ..it is going just as he wants it too..You cannot blame it on the wife...if he didnt want the divorce she could not push him in any way....he would just move all his stuff...he is a cake eater....Don't be his cake.....cut him off 100% GET A NEW PHONE number and let it go..he isnt going to let his marriage end...but sorry for your pain
Author MistyK Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Misty like before I told you to let go ..it is going just as he wants it too..You cannot blame it on the wife...if he didnt want the divorce she could not push him in any way....he would just move all his stuff...he is a cake eater....Don't be his cake.....cut him off 100% GET A NEW PHONE number and let it go..he isnt going to let his marriage end...but sorry for your pain I'm not blaming his wife, actually I'm glad she's putting some heat on him. But yes, I believe he'll thwart her efforts to move him off the dime.
Gamine Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 If you think he's ridiculously selfish now, trust me... you don't want to be a wife to his guy. It sounds to me as if the wife is calling the shots and he's doing whatever he needs to in order to keep whatever is left in the marriage going. I think you and his wife should give him the bum's rush and send him packing... all on his own. That would truly be just desserts for this cake eater.
Angel1111 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 He really hates it when I call him out for what I see as the truth of his behaviors, and I get the silent treatment until he can bring himself to not be so infantile. I know the "it's about the kids" thing is at best partially true. Now that I've declared that I'm not waiting for him anymore, he's been all about sending me lovey-dovey emails and texts today. It's obvious manipulation, so it pisses me off more than anything else. Oh well, guess it's nice to be "loved", eh? Nevertheless, I am determined to reclaim my life, if only one tiny piece at a time. It doesn't matter if he hates it or not that you call him out for his behavior - this isn't a contest. This guy is a child and you're lucky that he's married so that you're not the one he's cheating on, and that this isn't a train wreck that you must divorce yourself from. People like this do not change so do yourself a favor and let it go before he consumes any more of your life. And it doesn't matter what you 'declare' to him. The fact that you continue playing this game with him, that you continue to speak to him at all, tells him everything he needs to know about you.
Angel1111 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 .....cut him off 100% GET A NEW PHONE number and let it go.. Perfect advice.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 And just Guess where the creep is RIGHT NOW. he was a creep the day you and him hooked up....if not before. But it was obvious when you and he started boffing.
Author MistyK Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I know. I just have such a terrible time staying away from him. When I pull away he has an amazing ability to make me feel guilty, insensitive to him, or just plain impatient. He gives me the speech about how much he loves me and knows he's hurt me so badly and he can never make it up to me, he doesn't deserve me, he'll look out the window for me for the rest of his life, etc. I feel so alone that I guess lame love feels better than none. In his own lame way, he made enough effort to make me wonder if I am being too hasty - he did move out and is trying (albeit ridiculously slowly) to normalize our relationship. It's his lack of motivation to remove his wife as plan B because he is still so enmeshed with her. He tells me all kinds of horror stories about what the kids and the W are saying to him, but he gets pissed when I tell him it's really the result of his "not cutting the cord"...he's causing way more pain by leaving the door open to come home (if in fact he does not intend to do that). Then I get the "you don't know how I feel or what i have to deal with because my kids are older than yours, I was married for 5 years longer, I have brown eyes, whatever..." Sometimes when I've told him I want to leave him he says things like: "ok, I love you so much I guess I ought to show it and let you go while I sort my stuff out here." But then of course, he doesn't. And I'm too scared to enforce it. He's telling me now that he intends to finalize the divorce by the end of July (when the waiting period expires because the W is having the documents sent to him early in advance of that date). So last night i said fine - then why not be straight with everyone now that you aren't coming home instead of expecting them to wait and get the message when they see you've signed off. And, for that matter, why not move the rest of your stuff out now. He then gets all wounded and gets off the phone. Even the second car has been excuse after excuse - it's low to the ground and he's afraid it will scrape the underside going in his new garage. It probably will, and he's known that for 4 months while he's lived there, so why has he made NO MOVES to get the driveway fixed? Well, I can only assume it's because that would have meant acting on the idea of not going back to BW. As someone else pointed out here, nothing he has done is irreversible. Even the house - he is under agreement withis best friend to buy it in September, for now he is renting. He hasn't attempted to decorate and doesn't even have a TV in the living room yet. It isn't "home" for him and he doesn't seem to want to make it "home-y". It's all so conflicting. So many mixed messages. Since D-day, i feel more like his W and I are in the same boat - he strings both of us along instead of making a choice one way or the other. She even said at some point that she feels like the OW to him because she knows his heart is with me. And even he is not functioning well under the pressure of trying to do nothing. Obviously BW, her kids, and I are pushing to get him to get off the dime. He's messing up at work badly and is sick all the time. And that triggers my want to take care of him. So anyway, my point is that i have never been able to go cold turkey. For whatever reason, I need baby steps with him. Last night he slept at the marital home. BW wasn't there, she is out of state visiting a friend. But I thought it was very telling that he refused to have the kids overnight at his own house and insited on sleeping at the marital home (which is his W's preference, obviously, because its another sign he wants to come home to her.) In the four months since he's moved out, the kids have never been there overnight and have been there twice at all. They now don't want to go there because it doesn't feel like home and he really doesn't seem interested in pushing the issue to get over this hump. It just pushes me one step father away from him.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Since D-day, i feel more like his W and I are in the same boat - he strings both of us along instead of making a choice one way or the other. Misty, since D day you might have felt this, but its truly been the case all along. You two are sharing one man who's not sure exactly what he wants or doesn't have the guts to act on it.
Reggie Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 So the unexpected fall out of my asking him to leave me alone on vacation was him attacking me, which ruined about 2 days for me. Apparently MM and BW had a discussion about her therapy session in which she said she would care for him if he required care (like after an accident), and I would not. Supposedly he didn't tell her this, but he nevertheless believes this to be true. I find it hilarious in light of how I've shoved aside my whole life to care for him for two years while according to him, she has never been able to bring herself to iron a shirt. At any rate, it's incredibly insulting for someone who claims to know me and he explained his reaction as the result of viewing me as a stereotype mistress. Well isn't that nice? So eventually, I saw this little episode for what it was, but then it got me even madder that he'd be so infantile. Which brings me to another point - some of you may recall that I predicted nothing would have changed while I was gone. Well, I was right of course. The second car he's keeping over there is getting inspected in a few days and he intends to return it to the W's house when it's done. And just Guess where the creep is RIGHT NOW, waiting for BW to come home from a date (babysitting the kids, supposedly)? And it turns out, all the stuff he keeps buying for the kids for his house, he has taken over to the BW's house and keeps "forgetting" to bring it home. Riiiiiiiiiight. Damn I am so pissed and sad I can't see straight. Fair enough, maybe that's what I need to get him out of my life for good. You were well played.
Author MistyK Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Since D-day, i feel more like his W and I are in the same boat - he strings both of us along instead of making a choice one way or the other. Misty, since D day you might have felt this, but its truly been the case all along. You two are sharing one man who's not sure exactly what he wants or doesn't have the guts to act on it. He claims it's a guts issue, that he knows what he wants but can't bring himself to do anything about it. He feels guilty for what's been happening with the kids. Now he's SAYING he'll take the car over to his own house tonight and "work on" a few other things, but I am just at the point where I feel talk is cheap. For some reason I have a weird feeling that today he was watching me at work again today. (I work an hour away from where he works.) I went to lunch with a male co-worker (who has a girlfriend and I have no interest in). MM has always had major issues with the idea me doing this even though it's like 5 times a year, if that. When MM came to my office in November (before he moved out) he happened to "catch" me on one of these extremely rare occasions of going to lunch with my coworker and he freaked out. He asked me what I did that day and I lied to him about what i did for lunch becuase a) I had already told him I was done with him and b) there's nothing to it and it was stupid for him to jealous about it. But, today I went and had a nice lunch because I'm determined to start live my life my own way and focus on what makes me happy rather than what suits his insecurities. (After all he didn't care much about my comfort last night, did he?) He asked me what I did for lunch and I lied ("the usual," I said). I guess it's because I don't want to hurt his feelings and for whatever reason I feel guilty. I promised him before that if he could commit to me I'd not go to lunch with coworker as a matter of respect for what upset him. But I don't see that he's committed to anything other than not committing to anything. He will even admit as much sometimes. I don't want to tell him about today, but I feel a confrontation brewing in him. I'm afraid I'll set him back even further (if that's even possible) if I tell him what i really did for lunch. What do I say if he calls me out? Anyway he said something that made me think he came here again and saw me - which is actually funny because it's not as if I'm doing anything wrong. Or am I? He always makes me feel wrong, i don't even know which way is up anymore.
NoIDidn't Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 He claims it's a guts issue, that he knows what he wants but can't bring himself to do anything about it. He feels guilty for what's been happening with the kids. Now he's SAYING he'll take the car over to his own house tonight and "work on" a few other things, but I am just at the point where I feel talk is cheap. For some reason I have a weird feeling that today he was watching me at work again today. (I work an hour away from where he works.) I went to lunch with a male co-worker (who has a girlfriend and I have no interest in). MM has always had major issues with the idea me doing this even though it's like 5 times a year, if that. When MM came to my office in November (before he moved out) he happened to "catch" me on one of these extremely rare occasions of going to lunch with my coworker and he freaked out. He asked me what I did that day and I lied to him about what i did for lunch becuase a) I had already told him I was done with him and b) there's nothing to it and it was stupid for him to jealous about it. But, today I went and had a nice lunch because I'm determined to start live my life my own way and focus on what makes me happy rather than what suits his insecurities. (After all he didn't care much about my comfort last night, did he?) He asked me what I did for lunch and I lied ("the usual," I said). I guess it's because I don't want to hurt his feelings and for whatever reason I feel guilty. I promised him before that if he could commit to me I'd not go to lunch with coworker as a matter of respect for what upset him. But I don't see that he's committed to anything other than not committing to anything. He will even admit as much sometimes. I don't want to tell him about today, but I feel a confrontation brewing in him. I'm afraid I'll set him back even further (if that's even possible) if I tell him what i really did for lunch. What do I say if he calls me out? Anyway he said something that made me think he came here again and saw me - which is actually funny because it's not as if I'm doing anything wrong. Or am I? He always makes me feel wrong, i don't even know which way is up anymore. He and his W are really using you, but with different angles. He's insecure that you will basically just cheat on him like you did on your H with him. So he's afraid to commit to you because it doesn't seem like a good bet. And his W uses this angle to keep him closer to her and further from you. If you tell him the truth, she will use it against you. If you tell him a lie, she will definitely use it against you. What can you do about it? Nothing other than cut ties with him for good and let his life play out without the both of them using you to one end or another. You can't win unless you leave him alone.
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