zeus Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Wanted to see what everyone thought of this...need advice, make sure I'm not losing it. Here's my situation. I met this girl in 2005 thru yahoo profiles. She saw my profile and messaged me. We met in person soon after, as we hit it off. The first night she came over to meet me, we had a connection that I felt immediately. I had never felt like this before- just an instant attraction. So much so that I found myself just moving closer and closer to her, talking about our lives and such (deep stuff), and nearly holding hands and all of that. Turns out she was still in love with this guy she had dated (and lived with) for 2 yrs. He was an ass and didn't love her, but she was in love with him. We talked for a week but lost contact for about a month because of this other dude. We got back in touch after that and started a rship- a month into it we were saying I love you to each other, spending the night over at her place constantly, spending tons of time together (she didn't have a job at the time, just finished school, and her parents were basically paying her way for time being). She still told me how she had feelings for the old guy, and that ended up finally ruining it, as she finally decided she still loved him and that what we had couldn't work. It lasted about 9 months total, really great in ways but rocky too because the old flame who wasn't around, but she still had the feelings. We stopped talking abruptly and I thought that was over for good. My mother died and she called to see how I was (this was about a yr later). Turns out she had a kid with some guy she had sex with one time (accidental pregnancy of course). We talked for a half hour, she's with some new guy who is living with her now, not the child's baby but new guy in general. The babys dad is deadbeat and has never met the daughter and left her life right away (she doesn't talk to him at all now- she had dna test done, and it is his, but he's never met her, doesn't pay any money, isn't part of her or childs life). The new guy she was living with when she called was out of the picture after less than a yr- he loved the kid but didn't ever truly love her. Now, I always said to myself- I never want kids. I just don't want them...I want to finish school (I'm 30 and back in school), she's 30 as well. I want to get a good career finally and live and have fun (I feel I missed out on my 20s in a lot of ways). She appears in my life via myspace messages about 3 months ago. We get together after a cpl weeks in person and it's like never missing a beat...I still find her wildly attractive, and I get along with her, we have a connection. It's like 5 yrs ago all over again. Cept she has a kid. She's currently living at home in a house that is basically 2 houses on top of each other- her house is in the basement with full kitchen, bath, bedrooms, living rooms, etc...her parents are upstairs. She was working but quit the job to take a few more classes to do blood work for a living. Kid is taken care of with money she has saved from working (and tax returns), and parents help out a lot too. She can leave kid with her parents often and they don't mind- they built this new house the way they did so she could live at home but haver basically her own place (with her own back entrance). I've met her daughter-- she's 3, and she's sweet. I feel I'm not good with kids, but she says I'm great with her. Kid seems to like me. I've come over 4 or 5 times at night (near 9pm) when kid was up...but kid is usually in bed soon after, so it hasn't been speending time with her and kid a lot. I'm worried that she even introduced me to her so quickly. We are again saying I love you to each other- it just felt natural. Maybe we're moving fast, but it feels right. She comes over to my place without kid in tow- leaving her with her grandparents, and it's great...we do all the adult things I love- we can talk about anything, watch any movie, leave on spur of moment to go eat or whatever. It feels as if her time over here always comes when she has time to sneak away or when she's visiting friends and can stop by- I always feel like I'm waiting for her to say "I have to go, my daughter needs me." So, time together is often rushed feeling. She'll come over and stay till 2 am, duaghter sleep at home with her grandparents, but she can't stay all night (of course), and we can never fall asleep or even go long periods without her having to check in with her own mother and talk to her daughter. She's been trying, it seems to quickly get me into kids life. She puts her on the phone constantly, then tries to mention a few times us all going out together. Biggest problem for me, and I've explained to her, is that I'm scared we will never be able to truly build rship the way you do traditionally. Will never be able to sleep at each others houses, will never be able to take trips, no romantic weekends, no sleeping until noon together, no lying naked in each others arms, none of the adult stuff that you usually have for yrs before you ever even discuss having kids. I never wanted kids, but I guess I could see me having kids eventually. I have several yrs for what I want in school- I want to get a phd in cinematography and work in movies and television. I might have to move after my initial degree is finished for masters and doctorate, but I realize she will never follow me since she has kid. She may have 5 yrs ago, but not today she won't. She tells me, and I get it, that her daughter is number 1- most important thing in her life. I always wanted to be with her and have her to myself, and to be most important in her life. I guess that's initial info. If anyone has any advice, questions, whatever, please let me know. We had discussion last night in her car before she left my place about how it's scary for me to know I will never have years with her where it's just us, doing what we want, building a great lasting foundation, doing all the adult romantic things I feel you need to actually build something that will last long term. It seems early to even be discussing this, but it is what it is. Last night she made the comment that- all the stuff we've been doing for past 2 months just the two of us, if we were going to do this long term, we couldn't do any of it. She couldn't come over and stay till 2 am and she couldn't be cozy and romantic with me, she couldn't just do something spur of moment...she really will need someone who can be there for daughter and take care of daughter. She's not looking for financial help- she has that esp with her parents who are very well off. She does, however, need a father for daughter eventually as dad has never met kid. We left each other last night with her saying- maybe we need some time apart for me to decide if I could be with her and continue knowing that we will never have all the traditional romance stuff we'd have in a perfect world. Tho she called me several times today and left a few texts. I called her back finally (didn't get first messages until later) but no answer yet. Not sure if she's trying to get me into kids life too fast, if I'm being dumb for being upset that we will never have all the adult romance stuff with just me and her, feel dumb for being sad that I will never ever have a chance to be number 1 in her life and most important, etc. Sorry this turned into a novel, just need some advice. Appreciate any of it.
whimsical_memory Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 You mentioned not being ready for kids, if this is truly the case, I would advise you to leave her alone. You will not be doing anyone (especially the child) any favors by letting her get attached to you and then leaving. One of the disadvantages of dating a single parent is just that, they are a single parent. Based upon what you're saying in your post (about having things you still want to do), I would say that you are not ready to be in a relationship with her, no matter how attracted you are to her.
lab_brat Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Right or wrong, she is at a different stage in her life to you right now. She's raising her baby and looking for a family-type situation, and you want to go on towards your PhD. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want, they are just different goals. I think you need to make it v. clear to her that you aren't looking for anything that serious right now and are not interested in becoming a family. Also, try to avoid doing things with the child as it sends a mixed message and children do get attached really easily. It sounds harsh, and it will hurt her, as it'll feel like a rejection of her and her child. And in a way it is, which sucks, but you need to be true to what you want because you won't be able to fake it forever. It'll be better off in the long run, as she can find someone that shares her dream, and you yours. Good luck with your PhD!
Thornton Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Really, the choice you have to make is whether you want to be a family with this girl and a father figure to her child, or whether you want to continue living the single life with no children involved. I wonder why she can't stay overnight, since even if she goes home at 2am the kid would already be in bed. If she's staying till 2am, I don't see any reason why she couldn't stay till 8am, since her parents are probably looking after the kid and it will be sound asleep when she goes home anyway. That seems a bit odd to me. She is clearly far too attached to the child - I don't mean she shouldn't be attached to her child, but she seems a bit too possessive, like she can't leave the kid with her parents without calling every five minutes, and she can't stay out overnight and let someone else take care of the kid. Is there a reason why you can't stay at her place with the kid asleep in the next room? There's no reason why you can't go for a romantic weekend together, or why she can't stay the night and lie in bed with you the next morning - no reason other than her refusal to spend any time apart from the child. I also don't see why she couldn't move away with you eventually if your job demands it, you would have been together 5-6 years at that point I guess, with a kid who was about 9 years old, and possibly another kid of your own. Families move all the time. If she wants a relationship with you, she needs to make some room for you in her life - you said she puts her daughter first, but if she's going to be in a relationship with you she has to put you joint first along with her daughter, nobody wants to have a relationship in which they will always come second. I know you feel like you want your gf all to yourself, but in time you would grow to love the child, and she would grow to love you, and you would have both of them all to yourself. You're placing yourself in opposition to the child for your gf's affection, and I can't help thinking that your gf has created that situation by telling you the child always comes first and you come second, when she should be treating you both equally. In turn, you need to be a little more understanding if she wants to make a quick phonecall to the kid if she's out all day. Also, remember you can still go out and do stuff as a family, go for day trips, to the cinema, out for dinner, etc. Tbh it seems to me like she's looking for a father for the kid, not for a partner for herself. She doesn't want to make room for you in her life at all, she wants you to fit snugly into her existing life and give her what she wants, but relationships don't work like that. She sounds kind of selfish - if she isn't prepared to accommodate you and compromise on some things your relationship will never work. She introduced you to the child quite quickly because she already knows you, you're not exactly a stranger because she previously had a 9 month relationship with you, and she must feel pretty confident that your relationship might be going somewhere for her to introduce you to her child. But you need to make a decision about what you want to do long term before you get too involved with the child, before she becomes attached to you (and possibly vice versa).
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