weeble78 Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for seven years - we own a flat together, which we have done for two years now, and this is what started the problems off. The main issues are money and dishonesty. He did not see a problem emptying the joint bank account a few weeks after we set it up, or paying solicitors fees etc for the house purchase by putting it on a credit card. There have been many problems with money, including him not paying people, me having to turn people away at the door etc. His other problem is that he lies because he is too immature to hold his hands up and resolve a problem - it's his reflex to react to situations by glossing things over or making things up e.g. we'll plan to do something special at the weekend when he knows full well he's been invited to play football. He doesn't want to let down his friends so he fobs them off, and then at the last minute on the day he says 'my mates have just got in touch and there's a really important game on - do you mind if I go just for today?' when I know he knew about this a week ago. Sooooo anyway, I react by getting angry - I also have a big mouth on me and seem to have a talent for sticking the needle in just the right place to get a reaction and then boom - argument city. The last year has been particularly bad with the money problems - it goes in a circle. The more he does things like the above, the less respect I feel for him and so get angry and let him have it. Of note, he always keeps calm and never says anything hurtful just so he can say it. The jist of it is, he's in the living room sleeping on the sofa after our latest argument culminated in him saying he's moving out, and I'm sitting on the bed typing this message crying after having screamed blue murder (and many other mean, nasty, horrible things relating to his family/behaviour etc) and agreeing to reorganise the mortgage into my name only with him moving out Tuesday. The question I'm getting at is that I feel as though I do love him, but through this arguing etc I feel like I don't respect him enough or truly 'love'him any more - I don't know!!! When do I know if I should let him carry on moving out and move on - how do I know if we're doing the right thing splitting up?!!! I'd really love some advice from anybody - it seems the older you get the more complicated things become!!!!
asuman Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 There are advantages to being in a relationship for as long as you have without getting married. One of them is realizing that a major issue exists that could or should prevent you from going forward with the relationship. Financial dysfunction is the #1 cause of divorces in the States. We no longer live in societies where women stayed at home and men took care of all the finances with no questions asked. His decisions impact you and your family directly, you have a stake in them, and you may well earn more income than him. I'm familiar with this problem up close and personal, because I was once married and we had a disastrous relationship when it came to money issues. We are no longer together. If you can't trust your partner with money issues, it isn't much good to you even if you can supposedly trust him in other aspects of your life. You've listed a number of examples of his serious abuse of your joint funds (which is in fact a serious abuse of your trust). These are major red flags. Not yellow flags. RED flags. If you're having these problems now, what will happen 10 years from now? Is he going to raid your children's college funds when he feels like it? Do you trust this guy to help build up your savings for retirement, decades from now? I think you have made the right decision.
asuman Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Also, it strikes me that he is not only dishonest with you when it comes to finances, but he's just plain immature about money. What was his reason for "emptying" (holy crap!) your joint account? It sounds like your boyfriend has the same sense of financial responsibility as a 12-year old would.
Author weeble78 Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Hello Asuman Thanks for your reply - gosh it's great reading from someone else when it seems like the whole world is asleep out there and you're the only one awake.... That's what I worry about - I see my children-to-be's faces when I have to explain why I'm trying to push a man out of the door who's demanding money, or why I can't afford to pay for them to go on holiday. I do find that really worrying. I mean I've had to pay the mortgage for him on several occasions adn every month I call the bank about 10 times checking the money's gone in. I've found out that he also goes to his Mum, Dad and Sister separately borrowing money from them saying he needs a bit extra - is that wrong for a 27 year old? I feel bad saying all these things as he has many good qualities i.e. keeping the house clean the way I like it, looking after me when I'm poorly, supporting me if I've had a ruck with family or friends, or work is bad. He has also never said a bad word against me even though I've said millions to him - I don't know how he does that! I guess the thing is what really is a deal breaker? Since I've matured in relationships I've come to realise that life isn't like Cosmo magazine where I will get a nice glossy shiny prince to cater to my every whim (oooh if only!!) and that relationships take effort on both parts. Now though, this is confusing me - just how much work and effort should it take? And well done for confronting your relationship and moving on - from where I'm standing all you people who have done this are as amazing and I envy your strength xx
Author weeble78 Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 [ Yep holy crap indeed - after not even thinking twice about opening this account I was nearly knocked out cold upon learning of that little surprise....his excuse was he needed it to pay off the solicitor debts and was going to pay it off before I'd noticed it. 1. I questioned under what illusion was he that I would ever find that attitude alright, 2. I wondered when is it ever ok to take on a huge debt aiming to pay it off using credit card, and 3. what did he think I would say - yes it's fine to steal from me, feel free. Basically he just hoped to get away with it - I feel he thinks that it's a quick fix and it gives him a breather to think of a good excuse afterwards whereas most people would think of a way to avoid that situation in the first place or admit it upfront. So how do you get round a 27 year old who behaves like a 12 year old sometimes - they must surely learn to mature when faced with responsibility? Yes my glasses are forever rose-tinted!
boogieboy Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I have a younger brother who lost a relationship because of the same thing. He cant handle his finances and is immature about them. Constantly leeching off of my mother, and hes 35!!! His ex left him, and my point is he had no intention on changing his ways. I think if this is a big problem with you two, its best to let him go, because that is a type that wont improve. He will not mature in that regard, for a long time. Especially if he thinks he has nothing to lose with enablers behind him. Youre doing the right thing. Theres plenty of men out there that will be your prince charming, and still be mature financially. Besides, you probably couldnt fall in love with him again if you tried.
asuman Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 He's 27 but mooching money from his parents and other relatives? And it sounds like he's also mooching money from you? Not acceptable. A 19 year old I can see acting like this. 8 years later, he's supposed to have figured it out by now. 8 years from today he will be behaving the same way. Don't stay with him unless you find that acceptable. Your fears about your future children and your future in general are well-founded. It's not late in the States btw.
Author weeble78 Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Asuman you're right - he has been mooching money from me, he mooched nearly £2k and every month for the last year or so we'd have rows with me trying to make him give me some sort of payment back as it was my savings. Luckily for me he got made redundant (got a job a week later - some recession!) and paid off - this payment covered what he owed me, which he paid back immediately. His attitude to the payoff was 'great, now I have loads of money to spend' - and he's still got train fare evasion tickets rolling in the door. One thing I wonder about, I don't know if you do too, is that how can love and joy at meeting one person in the world who makes you feel as if there could never be anyone else for you, that you've found your soulmate, the one person who totally gets you - how can stupid things like money get in the way? I'm trying not to be dumb as I realise that you have to try and safeguard yourself, but isn't there a way I can fall back in love with him again and make everything alright? I know this is sad, but a second night crying and feeling sick is very persuasive - spending the next few months like this is not appealing (and nor will it do anything for these bulgy red eyebags - must find cucumber)...
Just Angel Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Awfully hard to fall back in love with someone you cant trust or depend on at all. If you decide to give it another go with him (which I personally would not do), Id seperate all the money. Seperate bills, seperate accts. That way you'd be safeguarding yourself as well as forcing him to take some personal responsibility. (no thats not your job at all, but *if* you decide to stick it out with him..)
asuman Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Awfully hard to fall back in love with someone you cant trust or depend on at all. If you decide to give it another go with him (which I personally would not do), Id seperate all the money. Seperate bills, seperate accts. That way you'd be safeguarding yourself as well as forcing him to take some personal responsibility. (no thats not your job at all, but *if* you decide to stick it out with him..) But if you have to do that, it's not a relationship at all. The bottom line is that if you can't trust your partner on money issues, that root problem will grow like a cancer and eat up other aspects of your relationship too. It is, simply put, a deal-killer. Money is very, very important whether we like it or not.
Author weeble78 Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Hi there Just Angel, thanks for your response - in reply, I have already taken control of all financial responsibility. In fairness he did sit down and sort a budget out with me last year which he faithfully stuck to while I was helping him work through it. Xmas came and went and then everything fizzled out again - it's really hard to help somebody manage part of their life when you feel they should be able to do this themselves. We had a huge chat earlier - without screaming and shouting for once which was a relief - I know my throat is grateful after the last couple of days! I basically told him that I do love him but that things that have happened over the last couple of years have eroded my love and that what's left is a residual uneasiness and anxiety e.g. coming home every day and stressing about what post he has in case it's a demand for money. This feeling has pervaded all aspects of the relationship and my first feeling when I think of our relationship is that of dread. He says he still loves me, but kind of agrees about the bad feeling underlying everything. I said we have got two options: either split up and not speak to each other again, or somehow tackle the giant mountain of issues and problems in a constructive way i.e. not bringing blame and little arguments into the equation - 'you did this', 'you did that'. I said that I'm erring on the side of splitting up, to do what's sensible for us both which will eventually bring us both happiness with other people, and I said we can still do this in a caring way. He said he's going to think about what he really wants, and then we'll talk about things again. I tell you what though, it is so nice to be able to speak to him without screaming. I hate those times when you've screamed all you can and you're alone with nobody to talk to. That's what makes this site so fantastic!!!
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