men_r_mysterious Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Hello. I am so confused. I'm almost 32 and have been divorced for a bit, and am just starting to think about dating again. Oh, I'm a woman, in case my nickname didn't give that away already. So anyways, I was curious about this local phone singles thing I saw on TV, and called. I got lots of messages after leaving my ad so I payed to become a premium member lol and ended up talking to a guy about 10 years older than me on the phone for an hour. He was great! I was really looking foward to meeting him and I think he was looking forward to meeting me. I was sleepy though so I told him bye. Now here's where my woes start... The next day I talked to a male friend of mine who is in his early twenties. He told me that he would go with me to meet this guy at the coffeehouse where we were going to meet. I thought that was cool (is it not?!) He's like a little brother to me and I thought, how nice to have a friend come with me to meet him! So, Mr. Great called me in the evening and asked when would be a good time for us to meet on Friday (this last Friday.) We agreed on the time and then I told him that my friend would be coming, and he said that it was very immature. I was shocked and upset. After he said that he was going to have to think about it, I said I was going to have to think about it too, and told him bye. After a while I called him and left him a message saying I don't think we should meet after all. Needless to say, I have not heard a peep from him since. Yesterday evening I talked about it with a guy friend who was a little older than me, and he said that my wanting a male friend to come was giving a wrong signal and was weird. Did I do a weird thing? I didn't mean to, and I sure didn't mean to insult Mr. Great. Now I wish I had just kept my mouth shut and went alone. My older guy friend said it would have been ok to take a girl friend along, but not a guy friend. Is that true? What do you think? I feel so bummed. Did I mess up a perfectly good opportunity or was he wrong for getting upset about me wanting to bring a male friend along? Please give me your opinion, whether you're male or female. I feel so ashamed and like a weird freak! Help!
Jilly Bean Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 At 32, you shouldn't be bringing ANYONE on a date. This is something that high schoolers do. So, if I was the guy, I would have lost interest immediately as well. It was terribly immature at your age. If you are meeting a first date in a public place and providing your own information, then you do not need a chaperone. But, it sounds like your "little brother" knew what he was doing, and purposely c*ck blocked the dated for you.
loveslife Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I don't think it was weird or immature to want to bring someone along. It can be very uncomfortable meeting a stranger. Sounds to me like the date was trying to intimidate you. And maybe he was hoping for some "adult fun" and figures that only a child wouldn't be ready for that on a first date. Whatever.. His response shows he's kind of insensitive. IME.
Author men_r_mysterious Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 At 32, you shouldn't be bringing ANYONE on a date. This is something that high schoolers do. Ahh, he also said he wasn't a teenager. Wow, I couldn't figure out why he said that. Boy am i naive. So, if I was the guy, I would have lost interest immediately as well. It was terribly immature at your age. Well, if it's any excuse, I've never done this before, but now I know and you can believe me, I won't do that again, I just wish I knew that before messing it up with this great man! (At least I assume he's great. I've never met him and now will never get a chance.) Sigh, life's cruel lessons... If you are meeting a first date in a public place and providing your own information, then you do not need a chaperone. But, it sounds like your "little brother" knew what he was doing, and purposely c*ck blocked the dated for you. Is that what he was doing? My older guy friend said that maybe the younger one (they know each other) likes me, but I really don't think so. Man I'm so upset! There's nothing I can do either, hmm, to change this guy's mind, right?
Storyrider Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 It means he wanted things to move fast and now realized you would be cautious and want them to go slow. Not a good fit, so probably for the best.
Jilly Bean Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Is that what he was doing? My older guy friend said that maybe the younger one (they know each other) likes me, but I really don't think so. Man I'm so upset! There's nothing I can do either, hmm, to change this guy's mind, right? Sounds it to me, yes. I mean, at this age, no one brings a chaperone on a date, so he had to know, as a dude, how another guy would take his presence. Well, if you really liked him, you can always contact him, explain that you are new to dating after being married most of your adult life, and aren't that great at navigating the waters yet. That it was a friend who suggested her come along, and now you realize it was unnecessary and came off oddly. And, that if he would still like to meet for a coffee at Starbucks, you'd really like that.
Author men_r_mysterious Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Hi Lovelife and Storyrider, Yeah I guess it could be all of those things. I don't know. I'll never meet him, and now that I'm afraid I did something immature/weird, I wish that I hadn't. I am extremely curious and even though I have no clue if he's as great as I thought he was, I wish I had not messed up the possibility of meeting him to find out. But yeah ya'll are right Storyrider, I want to move slow. I told him that before all this friend thing happened, and he seemed fine with that. I did think it was insensitive of him Lovelife, which is why I called to cancel, but he more than likely decided no after my saying I was bringing a friend with me.
Jilly Bean Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 It means he wanted things to move fast and now realized you would be cautious and want them to go slow. Not a good fit, so probably for the best. Are you serious? The guy is 42. I think most men of this age expect to date a woman without a chaperone. Doesn't mean he wanted to move fast. Just means he wants to date like an adult, IMO.
385 Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 If someone I liked said they were bringing a friend on their first date with me, I'd immediately think that she's not worth my time. Why? 1) I want to get to know her, not her AND her friend. I don't want to have to talk to her friend, I don't want her to talk to her friend - the conversation can easily get exclusive with her and her friend talking to each other. If I like her, friends can come later - but not on a first date. 2) I will also think that she wants me to be a friend of her's instead of a potential boyfriend. I wouldn't think that she's taking me seriously if she brought a friend.
Author men_r_mysterious Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Um well, I was upset and didn't understand what was going on, so I deleted his number. Yeah I know, stupid and emotionally driven. I did apologize to him on the phone singles messages thing, but who knows if he's blocked me. I do think you are right, he lost all interest in me after that. I have a feeling he probably just decided to pursue another girl. I wasn't his only option I'm sure. What's some basic rules I should know as a 32 year old woman dating again? What are meeting people you've never met before rules? I was planning on paying for myself, but I really had no clue what else to do/not do and I am so upset I'm learning this the hard way and missing out on someone I was so looking foward to meeting! But maybe Storyrider you're right. Maybe now i'm just so upset and he might not be as great as I think he is.
Author men_r_mysterious Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 If someone I liked said they were bringing a friend on their first date with me, I'd immediately think that she's not worth my time. Why? 1) I want to get to know her, not her AND her friend. I don't want to have to talk to her friend, I don't want her to talk to her friend - the conversation can easily get exclusive with her and her friend talking to each other. If I like her, friends can come later - but not on a first date. 2) I will also think that she wants me to be a friend of her's instead of a potential boyfriend. I wouldn't think that she's taking me seriously if she brought a friend. Thanks. I guess that's understandable. I just so didn't think that way at the time, but I see it now. Man I am kicking myself! Oh well. There's nothing I can do, right? He has totally lost interest, so I should just count it as lesson learned, yeah?
BobSacamento Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Yeah brining a friend along is pretty lame. Next time don't tell him and have your friend sit in another area of the place.
Storyrider Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Are you serious? The guy is 42. I think most men of this age expect to date a woman without a chaperone. Doesn't mean he wanted to move fast. Just means he wants to date like an adult, IMO. I'm just saying the same thing you are without the judgement. She can move at whatever pace she wants. There are some men who will feel the same.
Jilly Bean Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 What's some basic rules I should know as a 32 year old woman dating again? What are meeting people you've never met before rules? I was planning on paying for myself 1 - NEVER give out any personal info. in advance of meeting. This means, no last name, home address, place of employment, home phone numbers, etc. 2 - ALWAYS provide your own transportation. 3 - If he invites you out, then he pays. Really, the big thing is to keep yourself SAFE. And I honestly don't think he's a "bad guy" because at 42 years old, he was expecting to have a solo date. It's pretty much the norm past 17...
385 Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Thanks. I guess that's understandable. I just so didn't think that way at the time, but I see it now. Man I am kicking myself! Oh well. There's nothing I can do, right? He has totally lost interest, so I should just count it as lesson learned, yeah? Nothing wrong with learning from your mistakes so no reason to kick yourself. I make mistakes all the time too. The only time you should kick yourself is if you make the same mistake twice.
Storyrider Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I'm just saying the same thing you are without the judgement. She can move at whatever pace she wants. There are some men who will feel the same. To add to my response to JB, the fact that she felt good bringing someone along shows me she is scared. The fact that his reaction was so strong as to reject her for it, shows me he is very impatient. Not a good combination, but no judgement necessary. Even if she would be ok going without the friend, she is still scared. Still for the best that she found out in advance he can't deal with that.
Author men_r_mysterious Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 1 - NEVER give out any personal info. in advance of meeting. This means, no last name, home address, place of employment, home phone numbers, etc. 2 - ALWAYS provide your own transportation. 3 - If he invites you out, then he pays. Really, the big thing is to keep yourself SAFE. And I honestly don't think he's a "bad guy" because at 42 years old, he was expecting to have a solo date. It's pretty much the norm past 17... Sounds good. Yeah, that's why I'm so upset right now. I think he is, but I messed it up. That's such a yucky feeling. Thanks Jilly Bean for your advice.
alpha wizard Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I think you really like the young guy you were going to take with you more than you now realize. Mr. Great would probably have had a miserable time talking to you youngsters. He wanted to look deep into your eyes all night long and that was absolutely impossible with a third party. Wake-up and smell the coffee, please!
Jilly Bean Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 To add to my response to JB, the fact that she felt good bringing someone along shows me she is scared. The fact that his reaction was so strong as to reject her for it, shows me he is very impatient. Not a good combination, but no judgement necessary. Even if she would be ok going without the friend, she is still scared. Still for the best that she found out in advance he can't deal with that. Actually, SHE was the one who cancelled the date, so she rejected him. I don't so much think the OP really wanted or needed a chaperone. I think she took the suggestion from the c*ck blocking 20 year old who has designs on her... And I still contend, I don't think at 42 many men are looking to "group date" if they are interested in a woman. If this is something the OP needs going forward, I think she'll run into the same response.
Author men_r_mysterious Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 To add to my response to JB, the fact that she felt good bringing someone along shows me she is scared. The fact that his reaction was so strong as to reject her for it, shows me he is very impatient. Not a good combination, but no judgement necessary. Even if she would be ok going without the friend, she is still scared. Still for the best that she found out in advance he can't deal with that. I was scared, there's no doubt about it - not of him specifically, but just of the fact that I had never had a blind date. My dating relationships with guys before I was married followed the pattern of 1. They got to know me with their friends and my friends hanging out together. 2. They'd express interest in me. 3. I accept and return interest. I do understand the issue now though. Oh for a time machine lol!
Storyrider Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Actually, SHE was the one who cancelled the date, so she rejected him. I don't so much think the OP really wanted or needed a chaperone. I think she took the suggestion from the c*ck blocking 20 year old who has designs on her... And I still contend, I don't think at 42 many men are looking to "group date" if they are interested in a woman. If this is something the OP needs going forward, I think she'll run into the same response. I agree with you that it is not typical. I guess my point is that instead of feeling ashamed at making a "mistake", she should slow down and take a look at what she really wants right now. I'm of a mind to say her decision to bring the friend either means she isn't ready, or that there is a serious difference in pacing. If a chaperone sounded good, maybe she is a-typical and needs an a-typical guy.
Author men_r_mysterious Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 I think you really like the young guy you were going to take with you more than you now realize. Mr. Great would probably have had a miserable time talking to you youngsters. He wanted to look deep into your eyes all night long and that was absolutely impossible with a third party. Wake-up and smell the coffee, please! Lol, no actually I do not like Young Guy that way. He is a good friend though and I thought he was just doing a brotherly thing. (I don't have any brothers.) Mr. Great is right in losing interest. I see that now, cause I was dumb or whatever you want to say about that. I just wish I had not messed it up like that, cause I did that and canceled the date too out of ignorance. Maybe I should take a course on common sense! I am so mad at myself.
loveslife Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Do me a favor and live by what makes you feel comfortable, not what some strangers on a message board say is the right thing to do. If in the future your warning bells go off then please listen and don't feel like you should do something you're not comfortable with just because some guy won't date you otherwise. If it makes you feel uncomfortable meeting a stranger (and I completely understand) then don't do the phone dating service thing. I used to feel extremely uncomfortable meeting guys I met on online dating sites so I stopped doing it.
BUENG1 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I'd say yes bringing a male friend on a date is disrespectful, even more disrespectful than a female friend(but both are bad imo). If your not comfortable meeting strangers then dating sites aren't for you. If you didn't want to meet this guy alone I would suggest maybe telling him you'd like to hang out with a couple of friends but make it clear its not a date.
sugarmomma Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Think of it like this. You probably would have met in person and there would have been NO physiocal chemistry. The likelyhood of that happening is very slim. I click with people all the time over the phone and when I meet them in person its like NOT there. You know the next time and there will be a next time. I meet guys from online usually in a bar or coffeeshop alone. Don't get in their car to go anywhere and don't get drunk. You are human and will make many more mistakes.
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