Battlewax Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 The ex and I got together last night. That was a mistake. We had gotten together last week and just chit chatted. It was good, so I figured we could do it again. Of course my impatience pushed it to last night instead of waiting till Sunday, since both of us had to work Saturday. Last week I felt it was cool, this week... not so much. Compound her working an 11 hour waitress shift and you get a grumpy exhausted woman. On top of the things we went through and the things she's currently going through. It was an eye opener for me. I have finally seen the coldness that I've been waiting for. I'm wondering if I subconsciously wanted to see it. I dunno. She got really angry when I told her that I had a Tarot card reading. Probabaly because she had asked me so many times. She does that occasionally. I always said it ended up badly for me so I was afraid to do it, this time, I figured things have already hit rock bottom so it couldn't get any worse. It's one of those things where she's irritated that I'm doing all the stuff she asked me to do, but this time it's of my own accord. I didn't want deep conversation but somehow it did. Probably the biggest eye opener was her, abandonment issues. I knew they were there but I had never heard her say it. Explains the need for stability. When that was gone our relationship went down hill fairly quickly. Then I found out she's spiraled into a depression. We'll more like felt it. (and some of the things she's written on facebook) She started talking about how lack of money, looking for an apt, worrying about not having a place to live in a week and all the stuff about us on top. She looks me dead in the eye and says, "Even Alex (her best friend, yes it's a girl) doesnt' know what's really going on in her head. She's closed off to the world. She had warned me of this once and asked me not to run away. Her exact words, "Im having a hard time and I need to get through it before i;m going to want to be open." which is where I was over a month ago. It's weird how all of the issues I had in my head went away last night, if only for the moment. The reason being, I'm further along than she is. It sucks because we usually have a good time when we are together, now it seems like a chore. I still love her and care about her, I can't stand to see her like this. There was a time that I would have done all I could to help her through this. Now it's impossible. I know what I should do. That's easier said than done. I just wanted to get it out. Not sure where I'm going from here. So many things I want to say to her. I even entertained sending a thank you note, just for getting together. I just don't know where I'm headed at the moment. I look back, I was in denial for a while.
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