Frustrated and upset!

[lizamcfc]

Not sure whether this really belongs here or in break-ups. Its a very long post but please read, I'm so confused!

 

Basically I started seeing a guy about three months ago now - we really clicked (I felt) and from things he said like that it just felt really right with me I thought he felt the same. Since our first date three months a day hasn't gone by without him texting/calling me and after a few weeks it soon came that I was spending 3-4 nights a week at his, and we were spending a lot of time together. Whenever we weren't together he was texting/calling me saying he missed me, and on a few occasions he came to pick me up at night cos he wanted me to be with him... So I felt like things were really good.

 

Two weeks into us going on our first date, he was suspended from his job through no fault of his own and to be honest at first it was a blessing as his job is quite stressful and he works long hours, so it allowed us to spend more time together than if he had been at work. So he's still not back at work, and its been 10 weeks.

 

ABout two weeks ago I noticed a change in him when we were apart. Although he was still texting me every day it wasn't really constant, and I felt it wasn't as affectionate as it had been. He would also stop replying to me if we were chatting, and he didn't call at all last week. He also (and this is a big deal for us) didn't ask me to see him at all. The previous week had been my last week in college and I was swamped with work, and he'd said he'd wait for me to get in touch with him, cos I was busy, and yet he didn't and asked me to see him. So one week literally he can't wait to see me, and the next he just doesn't ask to see me. So anyway at the end of the week I confronted him, said I felt he was being different and distant with me and he said it was just the work issue getting him down but that of course he still wanted to see me, he really likes me

 

Also in the conversation I just detailed, he asked me what I wanted from him, (in the nicest possible way - his words, not mine) so I took it as him wanting to know where we were going as we still have not had The Talk. I'm going to university in September in another city, and I came out of a 4 year relationship less than a year ago so I'm not sure what I want to be honest, but I was really enjoying what me and this guy had, so I said I wasn't sure with me moving in September and what did he think? He said he hadn't thought about it, which I thought was odd... and then asked me to see him the following day. Why would you ask someone that if you hadn't thought about it... So thats one of my clues to his behaviour that followed I suppose. Me and my girlfriends read it as he wanted me to say that I wanted to be with him, but hey, if anyone disagrees I'd love to hear it because I'm totally confused.

 

So anyway I went to see him and things were ok, we had a tiny spat at one point, the first in the three months. It was my own fault, I was still sulking over how he'd been and looking back I don't think I should have gone to see him in that frame of mind. Anyway it only lasted about 10 minutes, we made up and then I spent the following two days with him and things were great again, like nothing had ever happened. I came home and felt really good about things.

 

Anyway this week has been the same as last, if not more distant. His texts have become less and less affectionate and he only called once, on Friday. When we discussed him being distant, I said every time I mention work you just clam up and he said, "that's because I don't like talking about it" so I've avoided talking about it. He still ignores my questions, for instance I asked him what he thought about Michael Jackson, and he just didn't reply. Anyway I felt like I could not take anymore, pretending I hadn't noticed his behaviour so last night I text him confronting him again, telling him how I felt.

 

His response totally shocked me - he said he just isn't feeling himself at the minute and he doesn't feel he can be who I want him to be and he understands whatever I choose to do. He said its not me, he doesn't want to be around anyone at the minute. He's not sure if he can 'deal with this' at the minute.

 

So I took it from that he wants to break up, kinda obvious really. I feel like that last message was the whole 'its not you, its me' cliche, in disguise. What I take great exception to in the whole situation is the fact that he continued to contact me every day, albeit not like he had in the past, being overly affectionate but still, he always contacted me. I'm not an idiot, I can read signals, but like I said to my girlfriends, if he didn't want to see me anymore, why didn't he just stop contacting me? I just don't get it at all, I feel like he's strung me along for two weeks...

 

The reason I posted it on here is because I'm a questioner, its what I do. And I'm constantly questioning his behaviour, it doesn't add up to me. I've never seen such a quick change in a person, from full on OTT to completely distant. Also, like I just said, why didn't he say two weeks ago if this was what he was feeling - I gave him the perfect opportunity, when he said he felt down about work I asked him if he needed me to give him some space for a while, and he said no. So yeah, I posted it on here because I can't make head nor tail of his behaviour and I wondered if someone else could... Please... I'm going out of my mind asking questions... thanks people

[lizamcfc]

Oh and I saw a few posts mentioning ages so in case thats relevant to you guys, I'm 21 and he's 26

[Island Girl]

He could be dow about work. I think he is telling the truth about that.

 

But you are right that we do not ask questions about the relationship that we have not thought of and mulled over ourselves.

I get the impression he wanted more of an indication of what he was investing himself in - if you were just going to leave and be done.

 

One of the possible reasons for this could be that he has no job and feels bad about that but what happens if he keeps investing in you and then you leave and he has nothing but possibly a broken heart.

 

Certainly you just spoke honestly. But why didn't you share that you were enjoying getting to know him and just wanted to see where you were at that point?

You did not indicate your feelings at all and clearly he was asking about them.

It just makes me wonder why your communication was so guarded.

[MrFun]

Let this one go. He doesn't seem interested enough. Concentrate on moving instead, that should be more important to you.

 

The whole thing feels kinda "loose" anyway. His job situation, your uni thing.

 

Move on, tell him you enjoyed your time together and leave it at that. Good luck!

[lizamcfc]

Sorry, I did tell him that. Was just shortening the story because it was long... I said to him I was enjoying spending time with him (I didn't mention the moving away to him). I said I really liked him, enjoy being with him but as to what I wanted from him, I didn't really know. I actually really like him and probably would like to be with him properly in a relationship but I just am unsure whether its the best thing for me right now, with me moving away...

 

His job, he's only been suspended and he has a hearing on Thursday and has been told by the person doing the hearing that he will more than likely only recieve a slap on the wrists and will be back in work Friday. He was told that last weekend whilst I was there so I don't understand why he had continued to be distant with me this week...

 

My friend had an idea that maybe he's been seeing someone else and was seeing how that went... The fact his behaviour changed before we had that conversation that mentioned where the relationship was going so that can't be the only reason. But he did become MORE distant after it. If that's partly the reason for his behaviour, I feel I should talk more about it, but it may not be, and I feel like I'd look stupid and desperate if I say it to him....

[lizamcfc]

Let this one go. He doesn't seem interested enough.

 

Yeah... thats what I thought. Tbh I can accept that things are finished between us, I just really am so confused at how he changed so quickly. Full on into me one week, distant the next. I just really want an explanation as to how that happened really.

[MrFun]

Full on into me one week, distant the next. I just really want an explanation as to how that happened really.

 

The eternal question. He probably doesn't know the answer himself, and even if he did it would probably be "she's not the one". Don't torture yourself over it. Remember the good times next time it'll be different

[Island Girl]

In light of your recent post I would not talk to him further about it.

 

It will be rough at first but keep yourself busy. You'll adjust quickly.

 

He suddenly scaled contact way back and won't share about it. Both things are unfair to do in a relationship. Once addressed (which you did) and nothing changes it is best to realize you deserve better and you gave him a chance to improve -- so move on.

 

It is driving you crazy because you haven't been treated like this and especially out of the blue.

But it does happen.

And when it does you just end it and move on.

 

Once you do, he may come around with way more contact or urgency. If that does happen then at that time you need to really evaluate whether he is worth any investment of time, etc. since he already pulled it once - he is capable of doing it again and who knows when...

[calazhage]

Let this one go. He doesn't seem interested enough. Concentrate on moving instead, that should be more important to you.

 

The whole thing feels kinda "loose" anyway. His job situation, your uni thing.

 

Move on, tell him you enjoyed your time together and leave it at that. Good luck!

good advice.

[lizamcfc]

Ok so I think I have a lot of trouble with letting go of things. This was first posted towards the end of June, and considering we're at the end of August its been 2 months.... And I'm still in some kind of situation with this guy. Basically after posting all that on here, we got into a huge argument, and both said that at the moment we should just be friends, as he doesn't seem to be able to give me what I want. I was absolutely fine with that, as I had already come to terms with that myself, that things were over between us.

So a week after we had that conversation he started speaking to me on facebook chat (I kept him on facebook, I thought it was petty to delete him). I chatted politely, and thought no more of it. A week after that I received a blank text from him which I ignored. Then an hour later he sent me another, so I asked 'Are you ok? I've had a couple of blank text messages from you?' He said 'yeah i'm ok, just trying to not be a fool.' I replied with 'What are you talking about?' And he was like 'I shouldn't think what I'm thinking...I miss you.' So we ended up spending the night together, and the following day. The next day he seemed to be a bit cold/distant ,with me, which upset me, I felt a bit used. We ended up in a huge argument again, and I asked for him to leave me alone, completely. I said I didnt think we could even be friends, because I didn't think we ever would be 'just friends'. He said it really hurt him, but agreed. But after a few days I caved and we started talking again. But just as friends. I said we wouldn't see each other again like that.

We went a couple of weeks without talking again, then he text me asking how I was... We got chatting, I'd had some serious health worries and he was really concerned and he said if I ever needed someone to talk to that he'd come get me and we'd spend time together and he'd do anything I wanted and look after me and stuff. His exact words were 'For you? I'd do anything.' We ended up meeting up, we went to watch a film at the cinema then I went to his and we had a long talk about our feelings and just the whole situation. If you've read the situation from the start, at this point I thought he was still suspended from his job, although I had suspected he might have some mental health issue, like depression. I have experience with dealing with depressed people and he seemed to be displaying symptoms. So he said that he's actually off work sick. He said he does want to be with me, but he didn't think it was right to start a relationship off on problems and he's going to get counselling about it all, his depression, the fact that he pushed me away when he didn't want to. So I felt kinda good about that. I thought maybe when he's feelnig better we can try and sort things out.

So that's where we are now. We spend time together, do coupley things together, act like a couple when we're together, but I can go days without hearing from him, and I feel like I can't say anything about that. Because we're not in a relationship and he's stressed and low enough as it is. My friends say I'm crazy for settling for this, but I keep thinking that when he's better things may get better, and even if they don't, I have to take a chance on him because I care about him. My friends think he's exaggerating his depression to keep me around (he told me he contemplates suicide a lot and feels that this is normal, which frightened me). My friends think that he's manipulative and is doing all this just to keep me exactly where he wants me, a girlfriend when he wants one, a friend when he doesn't. But I'm scared to walk away from him and I don't want to, because I'm worried about him. But this isn't making me happy. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Myst]

I say ditch him. He wasnt a long term boyfriend was he? U said ud only been seeing him. Its not fair he's putting u thru this. Most guys if theyre into you and care about u, will make sure u know it by telling you, so u dont go away. This guy sure aint doing that.

 

Lifes too short to be in a situation like this;) Move on like another poster said:cool:

[runnergal]

Check this out. It was posted by a guy on a forum I found...

 

Most girls won't realise what they did wrong because the concept is so alien to them. Most guys won't even know how to express it.

 

 

The number one cause of men bailing out of a relationship, is feeling that they have no freedom. This doesn't quite mean being able to do whatever they want, but rather being able to recharge, being able to sit back and simply 'be'.

 

When a guy is on empty after some intense physical or mental activity, he wants to recharge. To not engage in the world around him and simply let all the physical and mental build-up drain away. Maybe he'll distract himself with video games, TV, reading a book, or playing his favourite musical instrument. It might be as simple as reading the paper when he gets back from work. All these serve the same purpose. You forget the world around you, lose all thoughts in your head, and simply live in the moment. This will leave him feeling restored and ready to start over again. No matter how much he really *does* enjoy spending time with you, unless spending time with you is an absolutely zero-effort engagement (unlikely, you want him to feel intense emotions and get physical from time to time, right?) it's almost certain he needs this recharge time. Almost every guy does need some time to himself, and this is why.

 

The relationship breaks down when he isn't able to do this enough any more. Every relationship starts with him on a 'full tank'. When he gets low, if he can't recharge, he'll leave you sooner or later. Signs of this are the guys feeling constantly tired, unmotivated, acting distant, needing time apart, and generally not being as attentive as he once was. He might even say he needs space or freedom. It might take weeks. It might take months. It might even take years - but if he can't recharge it will happen.

 

Here's a hard one for girls to accept: His spending time with you often won't help. It can make things worse - even if you're trying to help. The very act of wanting to help and caring about the way he's feeling puts another concern in his head. If you're so concerned about the relationship, your concerns are going to be in his head 24/7 - if he can't get them out of his head, he can't recharge. If he can't recharge, your relationship is in big trouble.

 

This is why guys will often run away from clingy or emotional girls. The stress of someone else's expectations can be very draining. The more he sees your concerns, and the more you ask him what's wrong or why things are suddenly different, the worse it'll get.

 

Ironically, this is often why a guy will change his mind and want to take you back some time after he broke up with you. The time apart allowed him to escape all pressures and obligations, recharge, and so he's ready to be with you again.

 

I'm sure the 'nice guys' will say they want to be with their loved one 24/7 and will be unphased by any emotional, mental or physical intensity, but the rest will agree with me here.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I think that you went too fast at beginning and he couldn't keep up the pace. Your relationship essentially burnt out without building true underlying emotions to hold you together,

 

When you first start dating someone, you don't spend all your time with them. It needs to be a gradual process. It feels like he started to slow down by pulling away, but you kept putting the pressure on in asking why he is distant. You came across as clingy and wouldn't let him scale down the contact to essentially what's normal for the stage of the relationship you are in (as I said talking all the time and spending most nights together is not a healthy dynamic when you have just started dating someone).

 

The guy probably really liked you and if you have toned down on the clinginess you would have still been together.

 

Now he doesn't know what to do. He misses you but doesn't want to feel forced to contact you all the time.

[Neutrino]

Having only read the thread briefly : forget this guy and focus your energy on No 1 (yourself).

 

Why was he suspended from work ? 10 weeks is a very long time to sort things out, why doesn't he want to talk about it ? Maybe something he doesn't want you to know ...?

 

The problem he has may be temporary, but the character traits are for life. Make sure it's not your life too