Lostgurl Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Another thing is though...he is my sister's husbands friend and he knows my sister and brother quite well and some of our mutual friends which makes it far more awkward...~ sigh ~ it would be much easier otherwise...they are all telling me how nice a guy he is...what will they all think if I change my phone number though it would have been a good idea otherwise... Thanks ~ Lake of fire ~ Not for long, especially if you tell them how he treats you. They'll realize that they never knew him at all and will be glad to have him out of their and your lives. My bf was friends with all my brothers. Needless to say they aren't friends anymore. I didn't have to say much, they knew just by the way he treated me while they were around.
sugarmomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Hi everyone... I just cannot believe this really...but I'm starting to think that this lovely guy whom I thought was so sweet at the start is just saying and doing things to make me feel bad... If I outline a few things please let me know what you think: 1) always talking about other women - he loves seeing his dentist because she is a pretty oriental girl ( he told me this on our second date - why ), Morticia Adams is the woman of his dreams, Courtney Love is GORGEOUS, showing me pictures of the mother of his children on his computer who looks like Courtney Love, telling me about how a lady at his work asked him to fix his computer then when it was fixed invited him round again because she "wanted a shoulder to cry on" Then, "I wouldn't necessarily pick you out in the crowd, but I feel a strong mental connection with you" - this made me feel really ugly, then he said oh I think you're pretty after raving about how gorgeous Courtney Love was ( I am brunette by the way ) For somebody who says he hates feeling jealous, he sure loves doing it to me... 2) I met his children for the first time last weekend and tried so hard to be nice for them, then after I had met them I praised them with compliments and said how nice they were...all that he has said to me about them is that his son commented "is that woman here again dad?"...and apparently when he said to his daughter that she had been nice to me she replied "I'm nice to everyone dad" - why did he have to tell me this? I have heard no more positive feedback at all and don't even want to go round there this weekend 3) He punished me for not coming to his birthday do ( we had just started dating, I felt too nervous ) by not responding to my texts, giving me the cold shoulder and not speaking to me all night - now the same thing is happening, last night he was in the hospital, his friend is extremely ill, she is also my sister's best friend - I wasn't there since I don't know her as well but I sent two really sweet texts over to him and now I have heard nothing He has told me that he loves the thrill of the chase and in the past, he has just suddenly left women after the chase is over which makes me always feel like this is about to happen to me - he implies I am lucky because he hasn't done it to me yet He also implied that I went out too much last time we met - I was only meeting my brother I have been with abusers before and I'm worried he will turn out to be another one - I don't know what is happening right now, why I have heard nothing - he kept on sending such sweet texts saying he loved me, I was gorgeous, he missed me - so I sent two sweet ones back and now I have heard nothing. I'm starting to think it's because I mentioned the L word... I feel tired of everything - this girl is really ill, she was only thirty five, she had a mini stroke, everyone was in the hospital last night apart from me and now I am sitting here in the dark, knowing nothing...I want to run away from everything. Apparently he was really upset yesterday and I wasn't there...only other people, so now I feel guilty and bad since I haven't heard anything as if I didn't do enough and he is punishing me for not being there... He was really sweet at first but now I'm starting to think he was just pretending...I don't really want to see him again I was crazy about him at first, we have only been dating seven weeks, I know he is probably really upset about his friend just now but I keep thinking of everyone else being there to console him but me - I just feel I cannot go through all this pain again, the guilt, the fear, the worthlessness, the shame, the not knowing... ~ Lake of Fire ~ Maybe he's not bad enough to leave him just yet. Just keep note of what he is capable of and try to set some boundaries with him. Hope it works out for you.
sugarmomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Thank you very much Mary3...x There are just certain things that make me think surely he cannot really be like this... 1) He is close to his mum and takes good care of her 2) He has two children whom he has raised singlehandedly since they were very young, now aged eighteen and twenty - the twenty year old girl is perfect in every way with a good job, loving boyfriend, perfect life, very successful...he must have raised her well. On the other hand he has fought with his son before who is more of an angry young man...he is eighteen ( another thing that bothered me actually was that he told me he has whacked his son a couple of times though he would never lay a finger on his daughter ) Those are the reasons why he seems like a "good guy"... On the other hand there were a few odd things yesterday 1) at one point we were having dinner with his daughter and her boyfriend and even she said, "dad...she's talking to you"...when he was ignoring something I said 2) we saw a friend of his when we were out whom he chatted away to and he didn't even bother to introduce me 3) We were climbing down a steep hill, he didn't give me a hand and this guy said "you should be helping your girlfriend..." so he laughs and says "oh she'll be okay"...just already feel taken for granted 4) In the morning he was just chatting with his kids, chatting with his friends, I might as well not have been there...then he said to his daughter to text us later if she was going out and we would come and join her without even asking me if I wanted to go 5) Constantly teasing, pressuring me into revealing things, giving him what he wants, trying to bring out a very sexual side of me already which I don't want to give away since I don't want to feel like his sex object 6) Already asking me if there's another guy in my life texting me, getting jealous of my ex phoning, wanting to come out with me to places I go... 7) My sister thought he was a bit weird first time she met him 8) He has hundreds of books, films and pictures all about the war everywhere and seems utterly obsessed with it...and my brother said, first time he met him he could tell he was a very angry person and felt intimidated in his presence... 9) He seems to much prefer it if we "stay in" rather than "go out"... He is very intense and serious and most of the time, doesn't laugh at jokes...however he seems to more with other people... All in all, I just feel like it will never be okay to just be myself, like my opinions don't really count and won't really be listened to and I come home feeling worthless when I'm with him and I don't even know exactly why...sometimes I just see these angry looks he gives though... I know not all of these things seem too bad but my brother said, when you add them all together they just are...and he thinks I should finish it as well But I just don't get how his daughter could turn out so fine if he's the wolf in sheep's clothing that I suspect...she is the most lovely, well-adjusted girl... Thanks once again Mary3 - your words are very encouraging and filling me with the strength to be able to do this one little thing and break it off before it gets worse... ~ Lake of fire ~ On the other hand, here are more signs. Be careful with this guy.
Mary3 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I just wanted to let you all know, your words have not fallen upon deaf ears, you really talked some sense into me and I'm doing my very best to love myself, care for myself, have fun, be myself, did some yoga, went to the hairdresser ( the man cut it beautifully which has made me feel a million dollars better ) and above all not let myself be controlled...if I don't feel like texting back I won't do it... And in a way I'm feeling fine... But I'm starting to feel very worried as well, things are all rushing, I feel smothered...I didn't respond to his texts, three arrived in succession, the final one said " Hello beautiful I am waiting for a repeat of Saturday night ( first time we did it ) it was amazing hoping it is going to get even better have I made you blush yet honey been looking on the internet for places for us to stay we will have to sit down together and decide on somewhere lots and lots of love" ....then he said check your email and there was an email there about the place where he wanted to go on holiday and he wrote that he wanted to make it up for upsetting me, he really does care for me... I don't know what to do! In a way I feel like screaming...I don't know how to break it off without being harsh, cruel and mean... I feel utterly smothered but for now I'm just going to bury my head in the sand and try to forget about it... I feel like I'm being carried along on a wave and a tide and I'm powerless to stop the rushing of the water... The good news is though...I've hardly texted at all, but it isn't making any difference, in fact it is only making him keener! Whether he is abusive or not, it still seems a bit weird...would you consider it strange? I'm thinking maybe I should give him a chance and see, he could have just been acting strange because his friend was so ill... Please help me here somebody! Thank you all... ~ Lake of fire ~ ps...hey I really know what the answer is...just it seems like a damn hard test I have been set this time... Lets break this down : Do you understand what NC ~ No Contact means ? I'm sure you have a good idea but do you know WHY you do NC ? Its like he's an addiction and after not talking to him ( which I know right now seems unthinkable ) but when you do break up with him, NC allows you to heal. Not at first it seems rough and unpleasant and lonely buts its soley for YOU ! I feel honestly that at this point you feel * guilty * for not answering his texts. You feel * bad * if you dont continue this but remember the title of your post : MY boyfriend is hurting me " You are setting off alarms and everyone here is really trying to help you. You are * touched * by his latest text. You think its sweet and good. " He really does care for me " Its like you are under the influence of something here . WHAT about all he has said and done ? Is it you don't want to be alone ? You like the familairty of having someone ? You like the idea of Holiday together ? There are guys who WILL help you up the hill ! ITs unthinkable that any gentlemen would let his lady struggle. There are guys who WILL answer you at the dinner table and NOT ignore you. There are guys out there eager to please you ! I thought I saw some progress here but it seems you have convinced yourself he is a wonderful guy. If thats the case I guess we won't be hearing much from you. Afterall this is an Abuse forum. We all do want you to be happy. If you have decided to give him a chance , its against my better judgement knowing former abusive men who see the ship sinking and break out the sweetness .
Author Lake of fire Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Hi Mary3... I just wanted to make it clear here, I didn't write he really cares for me His email stated I really care for you - I was just writing it down...! Of course I know what NC is all about, but the truth is, I don't feel fair just going NC without giving an explanation first since he is bending over backwards to say how sorry he is about how he treated me over those few days... We did get on very well originally, I was really happy with him... I am going to see what happens and keep my eyes open in the future... I'm thankful for all the help you've given me though, you really woke me up and made me see that once again I am liable to be controlled and sucked into things so easily if I am not careful and you also reminded me that I've still got to work on regaining all of my lost self-esteem... If he does anything else, I will finish it and I won't feel guilty...promise you that... Or I may still end it anyway but I've got to give some explanation first, I would never just leave somebody hanging like that...not unless they had done something really awful rather than just being pretty thoughtless... Thank you Sugarmomma too...I will be looking out for warning signs IF I stay...I was glad to see you here once again ~ Lake ~
Island Girl Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Hi Lake One thing that has struck me from the beginning is how he says wonderful things by text or when you are away from each other but he actions when you are together don't match. I think you really want to believe those great things he says and you somehow feel that it will be that way, at some point, when you are together. It probably WAS good in the beginning. All relationships are like that. Talk to a battered woman and she will not tell you that on their first date he hauled off and hit her. It is a gradual progression. It doesn't usually start with violence and sometimes never goes that direction. It always starts with small things. But abuse is abuse whether it is emotional, verbal, physical, etc. What matters is how you feel when you are with him. And several times now you have said when you are with him you are uncomfortable, unhappy, self loathing, etc. If this is really the case, you must get to the bottom of why you buy in to the words when you are apart and disregard the actions when you are together. And to get better you need to be alone or with someone wholly emotionally supportive. I wish you well. And good luck.
Author Lake of fire Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 ~ Thank you Island Girl ~ I will be paying attention constantly now to how I feel when I am with him and if I start to feel bad again AT ALL it really is finishing... But that was what even surprised me, the words in his texts, considering how he was acting and I said to them they just seemed like lies... I will keep you updated and speak to you again I hope Lake x
Lishy Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 You will just continue to put up with it Good luck to you x
Author Lake of fire Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Hi Lishy I am very thankful for your help but no, that's not true that I will just continue to put up with it Not true... Thanks though, I know you want me to be happy above all else and you speak as someone who has been there... ~ Lake ~ x
Author Lake of fire Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Just strolling along, this question going round and round in my head..."why am I attempting to postpone the inevitable", you are so right... He isn't healthy, I'm not healthy ( when I'm with guys like this ), this wouldn't be good...and I think he might have BPD Guess that I had better just DO it! I hope that I come back in here with some good news...~ Lake ~
Mary3 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I hope you take this the right way : You seem to like being controlled or suggestive at the very least. [My mom was controlled by my dad all her life but she was very sick all the time with a bad heart , could not work and died from her CHF ( Congestive Heart Failure )] I am pretty sure you are very self sufficient but I wonder what makes women let a man call all the shots and control almost every aspect of their lives ?. As a result I detest bossy dominating men. Like when you said " He punished me for doing this ________ " That just sent out a huge red flag. The reason I say what I do is : " Suggestive " : What ever you read here by multiple posters you heartily agree that you will definately DO something . Now thats all well and good but ACTIONS speak everything. Just like bf says " Oh honey I love you " ~ In words but in ACTIONS he does not show it very well. ( That scenario is called on many women every day - Does his actions match his words ? ) Its like a pet peeve of mine is someone who complains but does nothing or very little about their situation , eventually I stop giving advice to that person because I feel maybe they * like * the drama of whats going on at the moment and have no intention of taking steps to better their lives. Not trying to say this is you but really here at LS , most of us just kind of stop and step back , nerve wracking as it is to try and help others. We really do want to see you safe , healthy, happy and sound . I think you are a good person. I hope you continue therapy. I hope he is not BS'ing you for some later hurt. At least you received numerous posts from readers who really do care.
Author Lake of fire Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 God have a bit of faith in me ladies ...I may surprise you yet! I hope I'll be back in here to surprise you now... Sheesh ~ Lake of fire ~ x
Author Lake of fire Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Well ladies and gents...I am preparing to break it off tonight in person and I'm feeling ridiculously scared... I hope to come back in here with good news... Thank you everyone... ~ Lake of fire ~
Island Girl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Well ladies...I am preparing to break it off tonight in person and I'm feeling ridiculously scared... I hope to come back in here with good news... Thank you everyone... ~ Lake of fire ~ I am not sure why you should feel frightened. Is there some threat to your physical safety?
Author Lake of fire Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I said I felt ridiculously scared...I don't like hurting people's feelings...that's all... ~ Lake ~
Island Girl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I said I felt ridiculously scared...I don't like hurting people's feelings...that's all... ~ Lake ~ I think you should remember this is a person who thinks nothing of hurting YOUR feelings. And all you are doing is saying, "carry on with your life - I hope it is wonderful - but WE are not suited for each other and would not bring happiness to each other".
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