Mary3 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Thank you very much Mary3...x There are just certain things that make me think surely he cannot really be like this... 1) He is close to his mum and takes good care of her 2) He has two children whom he has raised singlehandedly since they were very young, now aged eighteen and twenty - the twenty year old girl is perfect in every way with a good job, loving boyfriend, perfect life, very successful...he must have raised her well. On the other hand he has fought with his son before who is more of an angry young man...he is eighteen ( another thing that bothered me actually was that he told me he has whacked his son a couple of times though he would never lay a finger on his daughter ) Those are the reasons why he seems like a "good guy"... On the other hand there were a few odd things yesterday 1) at one point we were having dinner with his daughter and her boyfriend and even she said, "dad...she's talking to you"...when he was ignoring something I said 2) we saw a friend of his when we were out whom he chatted away to and he didn't even bother to introduce me 3) We were climbing down a steep hill, he didn't give me a hand and this guy said "you should be helping your girlfriend..." so he laughs and says "oh she'll be okay"...just already feel taken for granted 4) In the morning he was just chatting with his kids, chatting with his friends, I might as well not have been there...then he said to his daughter to text us later if she was going out and we would come and join her without even asking me if I wanted to go 5) Constantly teasing, pressuring me into revealing things, giving him what he wants, trying to bring out a very sexual side of me already which I don't want to give away since I don't want to feel like his sex object 6) Already asking me if there's another guy in my life texting me, getting jealous of my ex phoning, wanting to come out with me to places I go... 7) My sister thought he was a bit weird first time she met him 8) He has hundreds of books, films and pictures all about the war everywhere and seems utterly obsessed with it...and my brother said, first time he met him he could tell he was a very angry person and felt intimidated in his presence... 9) He seems to much prefer it if we "stay in" rather than "go out"... He is very intense and serious and most of the time, doesn't laugh at jokes...however he seems to more with other people... All in all, I just feel like it will never be okay to just be myself, like my opinions don't really count and won't really be listened to and I come home feeling worthless when I'm with him and I don't even know exactly why...sometimes I just see these angry looks he gives though... I know not all of these things seem too bad but my brother said, when you add them all together they just are...and he thinks I should finish it as well But I just don't get how his daughter could turn out so fine if he's the wolf in sheep's clothing that I suspect...she is the most lovely, well-adjusted girl... Thanks once again Mary3 - your words are very encouraging and filling me with the strength to be able to do this one little thing and break it off before it gets worse... ~ Lake of fire ~ And now this one : My x H was very close to his mom and abused me ( emotional and some physical ) daily. His mom was sweet and nice but his dad abandoned them not before beating the mom and stabbing my exH. It took me some time to get out of there but I DID. I never experienced abuse before so I did not honestly know what to do. I had to have help to get out. Regarding raising his kids . Even a screwed up person can take the best of what he has learned and apply it. I do wonder though if his abuse is mostly directed at women. Mostly YOU. He may not really treat women with ANY respect. His mom will love him forever so he feels so threat to that love loss. Regarding him ignoring you at the dinner table. He does not care much about you to even LISTEN when you are talking. Not introducing you to his friends. You are like vapor to him. Easy to dissapear and ignore. He didn't help you up/down the hill. Do you REALLY want this piece of human waste as a boyfriend ? Seriously ? He doesn't care about you . Period. He doesnt ask you if you want to go somewhere. He just throws you in there. No communication. Listen with respect , love and communication you have NO RELATIONSHIP !. He is fine with bedding you and that part works for him and even THERE he is throwing around comments. NO THANKS !! You reveal NOTHING about your sexual side that you are not comfortable with. Not to scare you but he seems like the kind of man that would be okay with spousal rape . He doesnt TRUST you ! He wants to see your texts and follow you where you go. Pay attention to your sis's instincts. My brother was obessed with war stuff but he never hurt anyone ! He wants to keep you in the house. Away from everything.
letha Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 hey, listen my advice would be to dump him. he seems like he's only into hurting you. he also may have grown up with a dad that did this to his mother. i don't think that this would be a very healthy relationship.
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Mary3 first let me say that I am very very sorry for your ordeal and you are a wonderful woman to have come through all that and now be helping other people so much... Your words are like gold dust... Letha thank you too...I don't know, it's like when I see him though, a cloud comes over the sun and when I leave I feel like the sun has come out again and feel so relaxed and happy... I got this text tonight and thought "oh god"...I had received a text earlier as well referring to a holiday we planned and the more texts I see now the more worried I feel, it's like I'm being sucked into something I started and couldn't finish... I sent a placatory text back as well - I'm worried about upsetting him now but I've made up my mind that I will finish it with him in person next time I see him... He wrote " Well I am bombarding you with texts today you caught me by surprise yesterday morning being in such an unhappy mood I was starting to feel much better after the dreadful way I had been feeling on sat after seeing Lucy" ( a friend who is unwell in hospital - I became unhappy because he was ignoring me and also he shouted and raised his voice when I made a joke about the Courtney Love thing, it was only a joke though! ) Then "I am feeling closer to you after sleeping with you on sat" ( first time ) Then "can we meet..." Love from... I wrote back: " Hello will be lovely to see you then...we can meet we will have a nicer night this time promise"...Love from...( the nicer night thing is a lie coming out of my mouth if I am going to finish it as planned but I even excused and rationalised it away thinking maybe if I say that it will scare him away anyway and it will finish naturally that way ) But I will finish things when we meet... I know it sounds stupid but I feel like things will be worse if I rock and sway the boat and write something unexpectedly cold suddenly ( these texts have been going on for weeks ) This way seems easier- nothing horrible will happen this way, I hope that I can really stop this from progressing further though if I make up my mind to do it now and I prepare... I keep just reminding myself that things are within my control...and at least if I arrange to meet him I can finish it in person and have time to mentally prepare myself... Can anyone help me out? I feel trapped and a little bit scared... It's just been a weird time lately and I'm feeling less strong than usual...as I mentioned earlier our mutual friend was in a coma but thankfully she came out today which is wonderful news at least! PS saw your profile Letha...let's see if I can give you some advice then! Thank you so much ~ Lake of fire ~
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Do you think that he might change or does that sound very stupid and am I being fooled by manipulation? He has just sent me a very sweet text message saying " I will really make more effort - I am really sorry if I was the cause of you feeling so low thinking of you honey" and said he was angry and frustrated because he couldn't make our friend better again...she had a mini-stroke and though she is out of the coma we don't know how bad the damage is yet... I am deeply confused...and scared because it sounds like he really needs me so much - at the same time, I am sad about our friend, please send over loving thoughts, she came around today after having the mini-stroke and she grabbed at her gown and a tear came down her cheek... I would be thankful for any words, kind or harsh...but sadly my own intuition tells me that I might be being fooled... ~ Lake of fire ~
sugarmomma Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I don't understand. If you are afraid of him why are you looking to end it in person? You know what's gonna happen. He's gonna make all kinds of emppty promises and become nice for a couple weeks then start treating you like sh*t again. I'm not sure you have mustered the courage to end the r and that's okay too but be honest with yourself. Don't tell us what you think we want to hear. You don't know us and that should help you to be honest with yourself. If you are not ready to leave, don't. But based on everything you say about this guy and yourself, he's a loser and you're not healthy enough to take care of yourself with abusive men. I pray that God will give you the courage to do the thing you fear the most, which is take a leap of faith and cut all contact with this guy.
sugarmomma Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Do you think that he might change or does that sound very stupid and am I being fooled by manipulation? He has just sent me a very sweet text message saying " I will really make more effort - I am really sorry if I was the cause of you feeling so low thinking of you honey" and said he was angry and frustrated because he couldn't make our friend better again...she had a mini-stroke and though she is out of the coma we don't know how bad the damage is yet... I am deeply confused...and scared because it sounds like he really needs me so much - at the same time, I am sad about our friend, please send over loving thoughts, she came around today after having the mini-stroke and she grabbed at her gown and a tear came down her cheek... I would be thankful for any words, kind or harsh...but sadly my own intuition tells me that I might be being fooled... ~ Lake of fire ~ Go back and read your original title and post. Boyfriend hurting me. That alone speaks volumes. I don't think you're confused. I think you know exactly what you need to do (leave him alone for good) but you fear doing it. Ask God to give you some courage.
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Thank you so much Sugarmomma but did you see the post above ( edited )...that makes everything different really... It's a weird time alright...but yeah I need to think about cutting contact ~ Lake of fire ~
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 There are times when I ask my guardian angels for courage...because he sounds like he needs me it makes me more afraid Thank you Sugarmomma...I really mean it - I will take that advice...x x x
sugarmomma Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I'm afraid to say but sometimes we have to keep having certain experiences until we learn the lesson. You are not in shape for anykind of a relationship. You sound very needy and everything he says you just seem to eat it up. You say he needs you? OMG you have nothing to give. Your self esteem is so low that you are virtually empty. You can't give from an empty space. How old are you? Nothing I say will convince you. When the pain gets greater than the pleasure you will make a decision. Now it sounds like more pleasure than pain. We are here if you need us. I was with my abuser for 6 years and would never have a man to treat me the way you have described. Abusers chip away at you self worth until you have none. I wish you the best and hope your friend get better from the stroke. To answer your question. NO he will not change.
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Okay I really don't want him, I know I deserve so much better... Harsh words! The funny thing is, I used to just drop men all the time like hot rocks and now it's just so hard... But really...I just want to start going to the gym, dating for fun again... I truly do not want this! I don't want to seem this desperate, I never used to...I have a good home, a good job, admirers, looks, intelligence... OMG WHAT AM I DOING? That is the question... Sugarmomma I am not that young... This needs to be a turning point really...I really don't know why I'm acting this way, sounding this way... I will put a stop to it now! By the way my self-esteem is not usually this low, just that guys like him seem to bring it all out...so I become like this frightened little girl...I am not usually so empty I have nothing to give, I have lots to give... It's time to stop being a dummy ~ Lake of fire ~
sugarmomma Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Don't beat yourself up. I just want you to see this the way it REALLY is and not the way you WANT it to be. When you're with an abuser its easy sometimes to go into denial about what you're really dealing with because they SAY all these nice things that they know we want to hear. Here's the trick!!! DO NOT LISTEN TO ONE WORD THAT COMES OUT HIS LYING PIE HOLE!!! GO BACK AND READ EVERY ACTION THAT HE HAS DONE TO YOU AND JUDGE HIM BY THAT ALONE!! Women like to HEAR sweet things so that's what they do. Its just a whole lot of air. Judge a man by the way he treats you and not the BS that comes from his mouth. That's just your neediness eating it up.
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 I know you ladies have all been through it so I'm going to listen to your advice now! Well done for walking away sugarmomma...best I do it now, I know you're right... ~ Lake of fire ~
Island Girl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 By the way my self-esteem is not usually this low, just that guys like him seem to bring it all out...so I become like this frightened little girl All the more reason you need to get rid of him PRONTO. Immediately. And if you feel like caving - go to the gym or go for a walk. SOMETHING. I really was shocked that some stranger recognized the help on the hill things and was bothered enough to COMMENT yet you didn't end it at the end of that time with him. GIRLFRIEND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! You can end it by text, e-mail, phone call to his voice mail, etc. And you don't go through an explanation. All he needs to know is "It's over. Don't contact me again."
TroyNJ Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I remember staying in a relationship because I didn't want to hurt her, fact is i did more damage by not ending it when I should have. You owe it too yourself to gather your strength and do the right thing, YOU CAN DO IT. Don't fall into the "maybe he will change" mind set, I think you already know that answer. From your posts this guy has classic signs of being insecure & controlling, these things usually don't just go away. Be strong!
sugarmomma Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 It wasn't easy and I have a lot of work to do on myself. Just now starting to regain some self worth and watching my boundaries with men. I started to go online and educate myself about abusers, why I stayed, boundaries, detaching, codependence, self love/acceptance, fear of being alone. I am very codependent and I am getting help for that also. I still attract the same kind of men but I am able to extract myself from situations more easily because I look at them realistically now. One day I hope to attract a totally different kind of man. One that is loving and kind, understanding, generous, etc. It takes time and it won't happen overnight. But you have to take a leap of faith and put yourself first. I would suggest 6 months no dating and just working on your issues. Boundaries is huge with abuser. You learn to be assertive and speak up for yourself when you feel disrespected. If it happens again, you dump their ass.
2sure Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Many of us keep finding ourselves with different partners but the same unsatisfactory, bad, or abusive relationship. Why? The only non variable is you. As you said yourself, low self esteem, lack of confidence, insecurity are all factors. Predators, abusers, emotionally stunted people seek out relationships with vulnerable women. Because women who are not vulnerable do not have relationships with them.
Island Girl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Many of us keep finding ourselves with different partners but the same unsatisfactory, bad, or abusive relationship. Why? The only non variable is you. As you said yourself, low self esteem, lack of confidence, insecurity are all factors. And these are all things that can be changed. Predators, abusers, emotionally stunted people seek out relationships with vulnerable women. Because women who are not vulnerable do not have relationships with them. Exactly 2sure. EXACTLY.
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Thank you everybody for this...I can end it and I will end it! He isn't that young so he would have changed by now if he was going to... Sugarmomma interestingly enough I am highly codependent and I attend twelve step meetings for this purpose...I will be very proud of myself if I can pass this test and actually put my feelings and wishes first before somebody else's this time... TroyNJ it's nice to get encouragement from a guy as well! Thank you Island Girl, thank you for posting again...just great to hear from you again 2Sure I just find it incredible that there are people around like this, who hunt out people who may be easily exploited - it's almost beyond me to comprehend...but it must be true though... Six months no dating sounds just fine to me after this...! Just the joy of no longer worrying about stuff, having fun, just being myself... Thank you everyone for not giving me a rough slaughtering here...even I can see myself how dumb the "do you think he might change..." thing sounds...but really, I do just seem to revert back to feeling like a little lost girl if I am not careful, always when I meet these guys... Well I haven't replied to any texts yet and that's a start! ~Lake of fire ~
Island Girl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 2Sure I just find it incredible that there are people around like this, who hunt out people who may be easily exploited - it's almost beyond me to comprehend...but it must be true though... They usually do not do this intentionally. You are broken and have a "victim" mentality and perhaps some co-dependent issues - certainly lacking in self esteem. They are broken as well and have a "victimizer" mentality with perhaps other issues as well. Those two people are drawn to each other - like metal and magnet. Until they do the work to fix themselves they will repeat it over and over. Cut him loose and put the effort into yourself. You will see and live with those great results. You deserve your time and you deserve your protection. You do it for YOU.
Mary3 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Many of us keep finding ourselves with different partners but the same unsatisfactory, bad, or abusive relationship. Why? The only non variable is you. As you said yourself, low self esteem, lack of confidence, insecurity are all factors. Predators, abusers, emotionally stunted people seek out relationships with vulnerable women. Because women who are not vulnerable do not have relationships with them. The truth is spoken ~ ~ ! You notice that part is very true. You see the abused women being pushed around by the controlling men. Unless those women get SERIOUS help and counseling , they just keep attracting the no good low life pond scum contributers of this earth.
2sure Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 2Sure I just find it incredible that there are people around like this, who hunt out people who may be easily exploited - it's almost beyond me to comprehend...but it must be true though... To be honest, I bet he doesn't see himself as a predator or as an abuser. He may be asking himself...why do I always end up with women who act like martyrs, or who have no confidence? What I'm saying is that each of us can become comfortable with a role in relationships. A role in the scheme of things. If your Dad was a drinker and a hitter...its easy to be comfortable with a bf who just drinks and yells. From there, maybe to be comfortable the next time with one who pushes a bit only when he drinks. Now thats just an example, alcohol and domestic violence can be substituted with passive aggressiveness and verbal abuse, whatever. Whatever is less than a healthy person would tolerate or give out.
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 He is very much like my dad was...weird as that sounds, that is probably part of the attraction...I know it's very unhealthy though... And controlling dominant men are always drawn to me...because my dad was like that... But I will feel so wonderful if I have the courage this time to break it off... I can see the pattern very well, I will try my best to break it but it won't be easy...but it shouldn't be this hard after only two months! ~ Lake of fire ~
Mary3 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Mary3 first let me say that I am very very sorry for your ordeal and you are a wonderful woman to have come through all that and now be helping other people so much... Your words are like gold dust... Letha thank you too...I don't know, it's like when I see him though, a cloud comes over the sun and when I leave I feel like the sun has come out again and feel so relaxed and happy... I got this text tonight and thought "oh god"...I had received a text earlier as well referring to a holiday we planned and the more texts I see now the more worried I feel, it's like I'm being sucked into something I started and couldn't finish... I sent a placatory text back as well - I'm worried about upsetting him now but I've made up my mind that I will finish it with him in person next time I see him... He wrote " Well I am bombarding you with texts today you caught me by surprise yesterday morning being in such an unhappy mood I was starting to feel much better after the dreadful way I had been feeling on sat after seeing Lucy" ( a friend who is unwell in hospital - I became unhappy because he was ignoring me and also he shouted and raised his voice when I made a joke about the Courtney Love thing, it was only a joke though! ) Then "I am feeling closer to you after sleeping with you on sat" ( first time ) Then "can we meet..." Love from... I wrote back: " Hello will be lovely to see you then...we can meet we will have a nicer night this time promise"...Love from...( the nicer night thing is a lie coming out of my mouth if I am going to finish it as planned but I even excused and rationalised it away thinking maybe if I say that it will scare him away anyway and it will finish naturally that way ) But I will finish things when we meet... I know it sounds stupid but I feel like things will be worse if I rock and sway the boat and write something unexpectedly cold suddenly ( these texts have been going on for weeks ) This way seems easier- nothing horrible will happen this way, I hope that I can really stop this from progressing further though if I make up my mind to do it now and I prepare... I keep just reminding myself that things are within my control...and at least if I arrange to meet him I can finish it in person and have time to mentally prepare myself... Can anyone help me out? I feel trapped and a little bit scared... It's just been a weird time lately and I'm feeling less strong than usual...as I mentioned earlier our mutual friend was in a coma but thankfully she came out today which is wonderful news at least! PS saw your profile Letha...let's see if I can give you some advice then! Thank you so much ~ Lake of fire ~ Thank you LakeofFire. ( by the way thats a very cool screen name ) . I never dreamed I could help anyone on a forum like this. Back then there was no PC in the 80's ( at least I didn't own one ) . I don't even go on the Abuse forum ( with the exception of this week ) But I saw a need to try and help you. I hope my words glitter the night sky so that you might have the realization that this Punk is history ! Everyone here is offering HUGE great words of advice. I pray you take some of that advice and soon ! That dark cloud you feel when he is around is DOOM. I would almost say he's like a satanic beast who has come into your life and is hurting you. RUN ! ( sorry for being melodramatic but this guy is TOXIC ! ) Listen , can you beg out of the Holiday? Fake illness or make an excuse. You have Mono or something ? Doc says you have to stay away from ppl for awhile, Sorry Joe but I cant go on Holiday with you ? ( How about that ) Listen your worst NIGHTMARE is him when he see's you in person and you break it OFF. Now please bring a friend or TWO when you do it ! Please dont be alone with him ! He could get desperate and really do some damage to you on the scene or later as a pretense to getting some of his CD's come back to your house and really HURT you. You could say " Joe , I'm ill right now. I am going to be staying at home . This is a good time to end this. If you have any property over here my brother will return it to you. " Then get a protective order from the court if he continues to harass you.
Mary3 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Do you think that he might change or does that sound very stupid and am I being fooled by manipulation? He has just sent me a very sweet text message saying " I will really make more effort - I am really sorry if I was the cause of you feeling so low thinking of you honey" and said he was angry and frustrated because he couldn't make our friend better again...she had a mini-stroke and though she is out of the coma we don't know how bad the damage is yet... I am deeply confused...and scared because it sounds like he really needs me so much - at the same time, I am sad about our friend, please send over loving thoughts, she came around today after having the mini-stroke and she grabbed at her gown and a tear came down her cheek... I would be thankful for any words, kind or harsh...but sadly my own intuition tells me that I might be being fooled... ~ Lake of fire ~ * IF * he were currently in Therapy or Counseling for the last 6 months THEN I would believe part of this . If you can get him to GO to therapy and tell him you only want to be his FRIEND ( and a distant one at that until YOU get help and HE gets help ) Then maybe I could believe he is worth saving. BUT because he is using sweet words because you are getting disgusted by how he is acting and because you are SMART to listen to your gut instinct and because you are on LS getting hourly advice ( sorry long sentence , lol ) Then I would not TRUST anything he says. Sure you are an amazing beautiful women and he knows he might lose you. Will that spur him into getting SERIOUS help and LEARN how to treat you like the amazing women that you ARE ! ?? This is his issue , his problem , his life. You GO ON and make an amazing life for yourself and tell the bloke to check back with you in 6 months.
Island Girl Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Sorry but the two of you feed each other's problems. Even if you work on yourself and he works on himself the two of you probably will not end up compatible. Your reactions to what he says and does are your natural pattern. What he says and what he does are his pattern. And vice versa. It is easy, even with professional help, to fall back into these same actions and responses. You need to get yourself HEALTHY so you can find and attract HEALTHY. Do not waste one moment on this guy. Let him resolve his own issues IF he is ever goig to. What matters is that you will no longer be a victim. And that starts with him. You declare it and cut him out of your life. You will feel empowered and it is the first step to a healthier and happier you. I am not sure why you haven't done it yet...?!
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