Lake of fire Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Hi everyone... I just cannot believe this really...but I'm starting to think that this lovely guy whom I thought was so sweet at the start is just saying and doing things to make me feel bad... If I outline a few things please let me know what you think: 1) always talking about other women - he loves seeing his dentist because she is a pretty oriental girl ( he told me this on our second date - why ), Morticia Adams is the woman of his dreams, Courtney Love is GORGEOUS, showing me pictures of the mother of his children on his computer who looks like Courtney Love, telling me about how a lady at his work asked him to fix his computer then when it was fixed invited him round again because she "wanted a shoulder to cry on" Then, "I wouldn't necessarily pick you out in the crowd, but I feel a strong mental connection with you" - this made me feel really ugly, then he said oh I think you're pretty after raving about how gorgeous Courtney Love was ( I am brunette by the way ) For somebody who says he hates feeling jealous, he sure loves doing it to me... 2) I met his children for the first time last weekend and tried so hard to be nice for them, then after I had met them I praised them with compliments and said how nice they were...all that he has said to me about them is that his son commented "is that woman here again dad?"...and apparently when he said to his daughter that she had been nice to me she replied "I'm nice to everyone dad" - why did he have to tell me this? I have heard no more positive feedback at all and don't even want to go round there this weekend 3) He punished me for not coming to his birthday do ( we had just started dating, I felt too nervous ) by not responding to my texts, giving me the cold shoulder and not speaking to me all night - now the same thing is happening, last night he was in the hospital, his friend is extremely ill, she is also my sister's best friend - I wasn't there since I don't know her as well but I sent two really sweet texts over to him and now I have heard nothing He has told me that he loves the thrill of the chase and in the past, he has just suddenly left women after the chase is over which makes me always feel like this is about to happen to me - he implies I am lucky because he hasn't done it to me yet He also implied that I went out too much last time we met - I was only meeting my brother I have been with abusers before and I'm worried he will turn out to be another one - I don't know what is happening right now, why I have heard nothing - he kept on sending such sweet texts saying he loved me, I was gorgeous, he missed me - so I sent two sweet ones back and now I have heard nothing. I'm starting to think it's because I mentioned the L word... I feel tired of everything - this girl is really ill, she was only thirty five, she had a mini stroke, everyone was in the hospital last night apart from me and now I am sitting here in the dark, knowing nothing...I want to run away from everything. Apparently he was really upset yesterday and I wasn't there...only other people, so now I feel guilty and bad since I haven't heard anything as if I didn't do enough and he is punishing me for not being there... He was really sweet at first but now I'm starting to think he was just pretending...I don't really want to see him again I was crazy about him at first, we have only been dating seven weeks, I know he is probably really upset about his friend just now but I keep thinking of everyone else being there to console him but me - I just feel I cannot go through all this pain again, the guilt, the fear, the worthlessness, the shame, the not knowing... ~ Lake of Fire ~
Adunaphel Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 hello lake of fire... I am sorry that this guy who looked so nice and sweet has disappointed you so much, but it is great that you are an intelligent and strong woman who is capable of seeing all those red flags even if you are in an early stage of the relationship where it is much easier not to see the foretelling signs of huge problems ahead. I think you made a perfect analysis of your situation and are not sticking your head in the sand... so... you already know things are not going to change, and this looks more like the real him than the facade of sweetness he first showed you does. I'm not saying he is a bad guy... he might not be hurting you on purpose (some people have jhust unhealthy ways of living a relationship), but matter-of-factly he is hurting you, so please get out of this relationship while you are still very lucid about the red flags and expecially before he damages you to a point where you will have relationship issues next time you get together with someone!
Author Lake of fire Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Thank you Adunaphel for your calm and consoling words... It just helps to know that it is not me being overly-sensitive or paranoid...there have been a few nights I have gone home crying or hurt by his actions - he has also given me the cold shoulder before You are right and the wonderful thing is, I know I have the choice to walk away from this and feel strong enough to do it...
Island Girl Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Hi everyone... Hi. Sorry things are rough right now. 1) always talking about other women - he loves seeing his dentist because she is a pretty oriental girl ( he told me this on our second date - why ), Morticia Adams is the woman of his dreams, Courtney Love is GORGEOUS, showing me pictures of the mother of his children on his computer who looks like Courtney Love, telling me about how a lady at his work asked him to fix his computer then when it was fixed invited him round again because she "wanted a shoulder to cry on" This screams "double standard" and insecurity! Treat people how you want to be treated. All of the above is a huge warning. Then, "I wouldn't necessarily pick you out in the crowd, but I feel a strong mental connection with you" - this made me feel really ugly, then he said oh I think you're pretty after raving about how gorgeous Courtney Love was ( I am brunette by the way ) That sucks! Didn't you feel like saying, "Hey - don't do ME any favors pal! Men like you who do not know how to appreciate a woman are not special you are a dime a million. I can go down to the corner bar and find 4 or 5 just like you right now. In fact, if I show up in 20 years there you'll be all alone holding down a stool! C YA!" and walk out? I would have. What makes a man special is the way he treats me. For somebody who says he hates feeling jealous, he sure loves doing it to me... Do as I say not as I do? Screw THAT. Obviously he has double standards and that wasn't just a statement to cause jealousy that was intentionally mean. Thankfully you are seeing this now while you can get out early. 2) I met his children for the first time last weekend and tried so hard to be nice for them, then after I had met them I praised them with compliments and said how nice they were...all that he has said to me about them is that his son commented "is that woman here again dad?"...and apparently when he said to his daughter that she had been nice to me she replied "I'm nice to everyone dad" - why did he have to tell me this? I have heard no more positive feedback at all and don't even want to go round there this weekend He seems to like to keep you feeling insecure and unworthy. Telling you about their comments was unnecessary and if he cared about your feelings he could have breezed by it all and just said he thought it went well. But he had to give you a back handed slap instead to keep you off balance. All of the above are clear signs he could be abusive to you and he doesn't see you as a valued human being. 3) He punished me for not coming to his birthday do ( we had just started dating, I felt too nervous ) by not responding to my texts, giving me the cold shoulder and not speaking to me all night - now the same thing is happening, last night he was in the hospital, his friend is extremely ill, she is also my sister's best friend - I wasn't there since I don't know her as well but I sent two really sweet texts over to him and now I have heard nothing Any therapist will tell you this is abusive and passive aggressive manipulation. It is completely unhealthy. Why did you send him sweet texts when he has behaving like such a jackass to you? He has told me that he loves the thrill of the chase and in the past, he has just suddenly left women after the chase is over which makes me always feel like this is about to happen to me - he implies I am lucky because he hasn't done it to me yet That is why he told you all of this. He likes you being insecure. Somehow he is spinning it in your head - otherwise you wouldn't still be here. That sad thing is when women stay in relationships like these (abusive) then pretty soon they too believe they are lucky the abuser wants them because they feel they are unlovable. He is mentally and emotionally abusive already. Do I want to keep reading..._ He also implied that I went out too much last time we met - I was only meeting my brother So he is already planting the seeds to keep you house bound and cut ties with the people close to you especially family. Another classic abuser behavior. :mad::mad: I have been with abusers before and I'm worried he will turn out to be another one - I don't know what is happening right now, why I have heard nothing - he kept on sending such sweet texts saying he loved me, I was gorgeous, he missed me - so I sent two sweet ones back and now I have heard nothing. I'm starting to think it's because I mentioned the L word... That guy in the beginning was a facade to get you bought in. Now the real guy is showing his true colors. You used the L word and now he thinks he can start the mental abuse games and manipulative tactics because you are bought in enough with emotion that you are "stuck". You aren't and you do not need to stay with him. If you have been with abuser in the past then you could be attracting that. Did you get help? Have you worked on healthy boundaries and your self esteem? It doesn't seem like it because a "healthy" girl would have cut him loose already but you have stayed. Yet you are cognizant enough to see these things and point them out...so you have to have done some of the work. A person who victimizes others can spot victims as if they have a neon sign on their forehead. It has been shown time and time again to be true. Somehow in the way you have behaved, etc. he saw you as an opportunity. He was saying wonderful things until you responded because he wanted to see if he had pushed too hard too fast. If you took the abuse and are still willing to take more. You sent the sweet ones back and now he knows you are still there. That puts all the "power" right back into his hands. And he can play on your insecurity further by not responding and giving you the silent treatment. You can not seriously think you love him right? I mean you are just recently seeing this behavior and THIS is the real him. :sick: Do not buy in to the facade - do not convince yourself this decision to stick around is the right one - he is starting to hurt you and hurt your self esteem and he will only continue to do so. In fact you can expect far worse. THAT should scare you. And it should make you end it without ever looking back. I feel tired of everything - this girl is really ill, she was only thirty five, she had a mini stroke, everyone was in the hospital last night apart from me and now I am sitting here in the dark, knowing nothing...I want to run away from everything. Apparently he was really upset yesterday and I wasn't there...only other people, so now I feel guilty and bad since I haven't heard anything as if I didn't do enough and he is punishing me for not being there... This is a really unhealthy statement. You shouldn't feel guilty there was nothing you can do. The thing that makes you think like this is that beacon that abusers see and get drawn to you. Please do not blame yourself for this or anything else anymore. First of all, he is a big boy and took care of himself before you came along - and did so just fine. Secondly he is someone's daddy. You have to learn how to be strong for others and for yourself when you are a parent. If he is having trouble with that he needs to get up and put his "Big Boy Pants" on just like the rest of us do - one leg at a time. He is not your responsibility. You did not give birth to him and he is not a child. He was really sweet at first but now I'm starting to think he was just pretending...I don't really want to see him again You are right. And you should never see him again. I was crazy about him at first, we have only been dating seven weeks, I know he is probably really upset about his friend just now but I keep thinking of everyone else being there to console him but me - I just feel I cannot go through all this pain again, the guilt, the fear, the worthlessness, the shame, the not knowing... ~ Lake of Fire ~ You shouldn't go through it. So now it is up to you to empower yourself, put an end to it, and realize that it brings you that much closer to finding your way to a healthy relationship. This isn't healthy and it never will be. Sheezus this has all happened in 7 weeks??!! And since the beginning was good -- am I to assume he started this just a couple weeks ago and all of these events are compacted into time that can be counted easily in DAYS? Get out. Break it off now. Move on and don't look back. Go NC. He may try and act like Mr. Wonderful again to reel you back in but he has shown who he really is and it'll bring you nothing but heartbreak and pain. You deserve so much better. And you'll never have it as long as you stay with anyone who treats you the way he is treating you now.
Adunaphel Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Thank you Adunaphel for your calm and consoling words... It just helps to know that it is not me being overly-sensitive or paranoid...there have been a few nights I have gone home crying or hurt by his actions - he has also given me the cold shoulder before You are right and the wonderful thing is, I know I have the choice to walk away from this and feel strong enough to do it... It is definitely NOT you!! I am sure you will be getting tons of posts from people who will confirm it is not you, and stay assured that Loveshack is a forum where if posters think that you are overreacting or paranoid, they have no problems telling you. I just read Island Girl's post, she is so rigth. Luckily you sound like one of those posters who are looking for confirm and support in doing the right thing (walking away) instead of trying to getting told that you should stay with him!
Author Lake of fire Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Hey Island Girl... I am so utterly thankful to you for this! Sending hugs to you wherever you are... I needed to hear this... I'll write more later - trouble is I am meant to be seeing him and his kids tonight and I really don't feel like it but I'm feeling like I have too because of the thing with his friend in the hospital... I don't think I'll be going though - I'll think of some way out Thank you again! ~ Lake of fire ~
Author Lake of fire Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Adunaphel thank you so much...I'll be back in here later ~hugs to you both ~ Laika
Island Girl Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 No problem at all. I just hate how these abusive guys act so great and then switch after the girl takes the bait. :mad::mad::mad: And they know just the girls to pull this crap with too like some sixth sense. :mad::mad::mad: HUGS to you sweetheart. I am glad you are putting yourself first and stopping this madness. He is a jackass and I really hope you get out of seeing him again. Always remember the only thing a bad guy does really well is keep the good guys away. Best to get rid of rubbish the second you discover it is there stinking up the place.
Author Lake of fire Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 :mad::mad::mad: Thanks Island Girl!
Author Lake of fire Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Still pretty stunned though...I've posted here and on another forum and everyone has been kinda yikes! Get out now! I must have been blind... Can't have been me though - most definitely - yet so often I think it is... ~ Lake of fire ~
Island Girl Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Can't have been me though - most definitely - yet so often I think it is... ~ Lake of fire ~ It isn't you that makes them act this way but how you act/react in the relationship does have something to do with progression of events or increase in severity or occurrence. I wonder why you saw something wrong but didn't see it as bad as we see it. Part of you seemed to be taking on the responsibility (dangerous thinking "if I was just better then these things wouldn't be done or said" -- NOT TRUE of course) or at least wanting to be wrong and excuse it away somehow. IF that is true then you should just spend some time working on yourself and sound things off with a therapist. Find one that specializes in abuse and self esteem. I gave you an example of what I would have said when he was rubbing the Courtney Love, etc. stuff in your face. -----If it was the first window of this behavior I may have been softer about it and merely said, "I know! You aren't my type at all either! I generally go out with guys like <insert body type/brain type, etc. that he could NEVER be> and then here you are. But it is worth a shot, right? I mean those kinds of guys are everywhere so they're very easy to find. This may end up being something really good." Talk about throwing HIM off balance. But I never would have reacted in a soft loving or silent way to that. Maybe I am not illustrating this correctly but I hope it comes through. It's really late. He put out feelers to see what boundaries weren't really there - or if they were they weren't strong - and when he got the reaction that you normally give he realized "Ah Ha!". He's a sicko to be sure. But you need to get a more accurate prospective of yourself. That you are unique and special and deserving. And that you are entitled to a man who is kind, loving, thoughtful, and generous. You are almost there - I mean you saw these behaviors and thought "there is something wrong with this" and then questioned yourself "...I think...maybe" Your instincts were right and then your head started messing it up or something. Once you figure that part out and get it straight there'll be no stopping you!
Author Lake of fire Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Hey Island Girl... Guess I must be almost there because I haven't had a text good night, I haven't had a text good morning, I've had sweet F A - yet I am feeling okay, fine in fact...it's almost as if I was expecting this inevitability and I'm glad it's come in light of all the warnings I've had... So at the moment it's looking like its finished anyway The funny thing is, I get asked out by a lot of men and I get a lot of male attention, I am pretty...yet I don't feel it as much already and that's one of the reasons I just don't want to see him anymore I guess the reason that I disregarded and blotted out the bad things, was all the sweet things because he can be really sweet and when he's not being moody / insensitive we got on very well... He sent me numerous loving texts yet never called and didn't say the thing in his texts in person...then later sometimes he would bring up his loving texts, saying that he was just in a funny mood when he sent them so I'd wonder if he had really meant it... And you know what - the minute he knows I won't tolerate crap instantly he's there, being super sweet again... Of course at the beginning he mentioned marriage, told me he loved me, I was beautiful outside and inside and now that I've taken the bait and shown some feelings back ( which I felt obligated to feel because his texts were so excessively sweet ) he's gone... He might not have texted because he's so upset or exhausted today which is fine and I am really sorry but I'm still feeling like, god did my texts sound really drippy or something? Anyhow even if he does text and I'm sure he will, I'm feeling so wound up now and that I don't even feel like going around to his house tonight as planned...I don't feel like seeing him or his bratty kids however that sounds! I do go to group therapy at the moment since I have incredibly low self-esteem, I've stayed far too long with some very abusive men...but right now I'm actually feeling not too bad, proud of myself really - guess I must be learning... You are right about him putting out the feelers - I've noticed that with abusive men I don't actually want to be with a guy who's only sweet and loving to me some of the time...and I know I can do better I can see that he was trying to keep me off guard, to make me feel small - just don't get why some people are like that - I would never dream of it... And just seems too late to make it better, I don't want to try - I already feel second in line to the blonde mother of his children now...there is no point, I'm actually glad this has happened and I've heard nothing...the damage has already been done, I'm just glad I can move on now... ~ Lake of fire ~
Author Lake of fire Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Also he was mean about his kids...most people would have smoothed it over a little and said something like, I think she liked you or something... Just feel like I cannot face seeing them after this and I don't want to... I'm feeling good right now actually because I know that whatever happens next, I'm taking care of me rather than him...I don't want to go round to his house so I won't go ~ Laika ~
quankanne Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 laika – he's exhibiting classic signs of an abuser. In this case, his forte seems to be psychological and emotional abuse, and that's just as damaging. time to cut the cord, IMO – the other gals give excellent insight as to why. I'll second it, and add, "DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT," because you deserve WAY better than what that pendejo can offer. A decent man is going to be considerate of your feelings, not find or say things that will make you feel bad about yourself. at which point, I can offer the advice that a bully doesn't like when the tables are turned and he or she is the recipient of cruel or teasing behavior. So, the next time you're dealing with him and he starts insinuating about how you are somehow "lesser," you need to look him straight in the eye and nip it in the bud by turning those comments around ... "I ended up with you when I could be with one of *those* women" – "Yeah, and you're damned lucky I'd even consider having you, because you're no Viggo Mortensen yourself" or "Honey, I'm just marking time with you til X comes along, so dont' get too comfortable." last bit of advice? Cancel tonight's date. You don't owe this jackass anything; by going out with him, you continue playing into his hands, and you deserve a better life than that. cut him off, block his number on your cell, just pretend he's dead and no longer available. Because the sooner you get rid of that toxic bit of baggage you call a boyfriend, the faster you begin to start living a more healthy life. Again, because you deserve something better than what he has to offer.
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 The guy is an a-hole. It sounds like he has a huge ego and is very selfish.. He probably is one of those types of men who have old fashioned ways, has certain beliefs about women (doesn't respect them much, thinks they should be at home rasing kids, cleaning the house, and are only good for one thing.....) and he also sounds like a taker, not a giver or someone who will compromise, put you first or make you feel good! Break up with him. Tell him that things aren't working out and that it would be best if he stopped contacting you. THEN ignore him. He doesn't deserve your love.
Author Lake of fire Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Thank you so so much everyone... I cannot tell you how much your words mean... I will check in again ~ Lake of fire ~ x x x
Mary3 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Did your new boyfriend know about your former abusive partners ? It is like a huge neon sign that you wear and he sees it flashing and took his opportunity to * test the waters * and see how crappy he could treat you and if you could tolerate it. I don't recommend the " Yea, what was I thinking getting a lame boyfriend like you : " Because ; he won't believe that coming from you. I strongly recommend that you stop worrying about his problems . He is NOT worthy of you. I am glad you are in counseling. I also strongly suggest NOT getting involved with anyone until you get stronger. Thus you have this scenario where this cockroach has invaded your life and is going to nibble and destroy what little self esteem you DO HAVE. Don't worry about his feelings , his kids , his needs , his texts , his words , his threats , his sweet messages to get you to believe him. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU ! ( Not trying to hurt you , trying to get you to WAKE UP ) Get right , get strong and you WILL find a good man. ( Just as I did , formerly an abuse victim 12 YEARS ago. ( See how counseling and life changes and a great forum of wonderful people here who really CARE about you matters ) ?
sugarmomma Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 He is an abuser. They always come on really sweet and strong in the beginning. Egomaniac with low self esteem. Drop his azz like a hot rock!!
Author Lake of fire Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 I haven't broken it off yet, I tried to yesterday... I told him all of the reasons I just didn't want to see him again, the things I have written about on here, he said that he would never deliberately hurt me, I was being oversensitive, he DID say his children liked me, I was only imagining that he didn't...he said to me, you're trying to get me to break up with you aren't you, it's a defense mechanism and I just couldn't say, well I want us to break up... And it was the strangest thing - I met my brother for a coffee and instantly I felt so much better, like it was fine to just be myself, I felt happy and relaxed again...I hadn't the whole time that I was with him. And now tonight two sweet texts have come saying "hello honey...I had a lovely time with you...I do really like you, stop worrying about things"..." I don't like to see you upset"...with love...just like he was at first...and he's being all nice again... Yet I couldn't believe it in person...it was like it had all changed from loving, romantic, sweet, to sex, sex, sex...he keeps on asking me about all of my sexual fantasies and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable since we've only just starting dating but he seemed to keep pushing it... He knew I had been with somebody very abusive when I met him...but now matters may be even worse because I have revealed all my vulnerabilities and insecurities to him and my low self-worth and self-esteem - in fact I ended up conceding that all of this must have just been me, my own fault, because I was overly sensitive, yet I've been here and posted about all the stuff that he did and I am so stunned that you've all sent me these replies... I feel like I don't have the willpower or strength to break it off...he even said to me, it wasn't fair of me to bring it up and threaten to do it unless I really was going to do it which is fair enough...I will have to gather up the strength though because each time I see him my self-esteem feels a little lower and I can't even pinpoint exactly why... I just know I can do better than this...I am starting to feel like little more than a sex object to him... I am so thankful for all of your replies... ~ Lake of fire ~
sugarmomma Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I haven't broken it off yet, I tried to yesterday... I told him all of the reasons I just didn't want to see him again, the things I have written about on here, he said that he would never deliberately hurt me, I was being oversensitive, he DID say his children liked me, I was only imagining that he didn't...he said to me, you're trying to get me to break up with you aren't you, it's a defense mechanism and I just couldn't say, well I want us to break up... This is a boundary issue And it was the strangest thing - I met my brother for a coffee and instantly I felt so much better, like it was fine to just be myself, I felt happy and relaxed again...I hadn't the whole time that I was with him. And now tonight two sweet texts have come saying "hello honey...I had a lovely time with you...I do really like you, stop worrying about things"..." I don't like to see you upset"...with love...just like he was at first...and he's being all nice again... This is the cycle of abuse (google it and get educated about these creeps) Yet I couldn't believe it in person...it was like it had all changed from loving, romantic, sweet, to sex, sex, sex...he keeps on asking me about all of my sexual fantasies and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable since we've only just starting dating but he seemed to keep pushing it... He knew I had been with somebody very abusive when I met him...but now matters may be even worse because I have revealed all my vulnerabilities and insecurities to him and my low self-worth and self-esteeem - in fact I ended up conceding that all of this must have just been me, my own fault, because I was overly sensitive, yet I've been here and posted about all the stuff that he did and I am so stunned that you've all sent me these replies... You should not be in a r withanyone with your self worth and self esteem so low. This is why you can't end it. He knows your history and you are repeating it. You have to know that you deserve more than an abuser. I feel like I don't have the willpower or strength to break it off...he even said to me, it wasn't fair of me to bring it up and threaten to do it unless I really was going to do it which is fair enough...I will have to gather up the strength though because each time I see him my self-esteem feels a little lower and I can't even pinpoint exactly why... I just know I can do better than this...I am starting to feel like little more than a sex object to him... I am so thankful for all of your replies... ~ Lake of fire ~ http://lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore/emotional_abuse_recovery/
Author Lake of fire Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 You have to know that you deserve more than an abuser... Hey thanks so much Sugarmomma... Thank you for helping me see more clearly with this and especially for the words above...also you are so right in pointing out, it is due to my low self-esteem that I cannot end it... You are so right as well about the fear I have at setting boundaries... I've got to finish this soon, I can see all the classic signs...in the morning when I wake I'm going to read that article you posted... ~ Lake of fire ~
Mary3 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Thats the KEY. You feel better around your brother because he is accepting of you and he loves you. Your boyfriend makes your sensors go off. PAY attention to that ! Its not just a funny feeling. Its your brain WARNING you of whats to come. I just simply cannot believe you can't do this for yourself. Its TRUE that its not easy . It may take some outside help. Thats the FEAR of abuse. He will be sweet and nice but it won't last. Abusers do that and then break out the bad stuff. : Which you have already had a taste of. Why does he do it ? Because likely he was abused or neglected. I do NOT see a happy outcome here. Please post and read here everything you can get your hands on. Google Abuse . Please don't stay with him because you feel alone. Thats NEVER a good reason to stay . His sexual fantasies. I am not knocking fantasies. His may include torture and humilation once he gets you where he wants you. Please post here daily if you have to . You can tell us whatever you feel like. What he says and does. We wont let you go down. But we can't make you stop talking to him. That comes from within you.
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Thank you very much Mary3...x There are just certain things that make me think surely he cannot really be like this... 1) He is close to his mum and takes good care of her 2) He has two children whom he has raised singlehandedly since they were very young, now aged eighteen and twenty - the twenty year old girl is perfect in every way with a good job, loving boyfriend, perfect life, very successful...he must have raised her well. On the other hand he has fought with his son before who is more of an angry young man...he is eighteen ( another thing that bothered me actually was that he told me he has whacked his son a couple of times though he would never lay a finger on his daughter ) Those are the reasons why he seems like a "good guy"... On the other hand there were a few odd things yesterday 1) at one point we were having dinner with his daughter and her boyfriend and even she said, "dad...she's talking to you"...when he was ignoring something I said 2) we saw a friend of his when we were out whom he chatted away to and he didn't even bother to introduce me 3) We were climbing down a steep hill, he didn't give me a hand and this guy said "you should be helping your girlfriend..." so he laughs and says "oh she'll be okay"...just already feel taken for granted 4) In the morning he was just chatting with his kids, chatting with his friends, I might as well not have been there...then he said to his daughter to text us later if she was going out and we would come and join her without even asking me if I wanted to go 5) Constantly teasing, pressuring me into revealing things, giving him what he wants, trying to bring out a very sexual side of me already which I don't want to give away since I don't want to feel like his sex object 6) Already asking me if there's another guy in my life texting me, getting jealous of my ex phoning, wanting to come out with me to places I go... 7) My sister thought he was a bit weird first time she met him 8) He has hundreds of books, films and pictures all about the war everywhere and seems utterly obsessed with it...and my brother said, first time he met him he could tell he was a very angry person and felt intimidated in his presence... 9) He seems to much prefer it if we "stay in" rather than "go out"... He is very intense and serious and most of the time, doesn't laugh at jokes...however he seems to more with other people... All in all, I just feel like it will never be okay to just be myself, like my opinions don't really count and won't really be listened to and I come home feeling worthless when I'm with him and I don't even know exactly why...sometimes I just see these angry looks he gives though... I know not all of these things seem too bad but my brother said, when you add them all together they just are...and he thinks I should finish it as well But I just don't get how his daughter could turn out so fine if he's the wolf in sheep's clothing that I suspect...she is the most lovely, well-adjusted girl... Thanks once again Mary3 - your words are very encouraging and filling me with the strength to be able to do this one little thing and break it off before it gets worse... ~ Lake of fire ~
Author Lake of fire Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Feeling more angry now than upset...just remembering another s***** thing he said...when we were first in bed having sex: "oh you know what really turns me on? When I look back to a wonderful experience I had before..." Just what I really needed to hear to make me feel comfortable...grrrr - he really will be chucked soon My self-esteem feels fine now actually...just knowing that I can walk off from this one... But the strange thing is, I only just realised it...it is fear that is paralysing me here...another text message has come today, he texts all day long and I feel like I must reply to it, I almost feel like I'm trapped... But I already said to him: all his sweet words seem like lies now... Your posts will help to give me the strength to finish this...and hey it's better to be feeling mad than sad... ~ Lake of fire ~
Mary3 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Feeling more angry now than upset...just remembering another s***** thing he said...when we were first in bed having sex: "oh you know what really turns me on? When I look back to a wonderful experience I had before..." Just what I really needed to hear to make me feel comfortable...grrrr - he really will be chucked soon My self-esteem feels fine now actually...just knowing that I can walk off from this one... But the strange thing is, I only just realised it...it is fear that is paralysing me here...another text message has come today, he texts all day long and I feel like I must reply to it, I almost feel like I'm trapped... But I already said to him: all his sweet words seem like lies now... Your posts will help to give me the strength to finish this...and hey it's better to be feeling mad than sad... ~ Lake of fire ~ Let me respond to this one first : The bedroom comments , I take it he is reliving something and expects you to * go there * . Sorry but this man does not love you and I would not * go there * with him AT ALL. To slight you and put you down in a passive agressive tone is the SAME as putting you down and hinting that you suck in bed ( or whatever he is trying to suggest ) There is NO place for insults in the bedroom. Period. I am very GLAD you KNOW you can walk away from this A**clown . The biggest thing : The FEAR . I lived it ! You are paralyzed. Should I do this ? Or that ? To the POINT that the simpliest things like should I take the trash out become a monumental task. You KNOW you should take the trash out or pay a bill but your brain is hurting from the emotional abuse and the NEED to get the heck out !. It is similar to depression. You just do NOTHING because its easier than doing * something *
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